she wasn't a virgin..

[melatonin]

Hi all. Several days ago, my girlfriend told me she had had sex with someone before me. We had made love a couple of times, and she is my first, and I always believed (and she knew this) that I thought I was her first. She never misled me, but at the same time it was clear what I believed. I consider sex extremely important, and it's not for nothing that I didn't do it until now, and she knew my feelings and regard for it.

 

When she told me, I felt utterly betrayed. It had been preying on her conscience for a while - we had done an online quiz thing a couple of months back where one of the question was whether you had slept with someone before, and we both just went quiet, so it had been on her mind since then - and she felt she had to tell me.

 

So, I was really upset but then we talked about it. It was about a year ago, and she maintains that she has changed (which I believe; even since I met her she has changed a fair bit) and at the time there was peer pressure from friends etc to do it, which I understand to an extent, but it was only a year ago, and I'm not sure what this says about her strength of character. Some things never change.

 

So now I feel isolated from her, and I'm not sure if this has kneecapped our relationship. The thought of her having knowledge of sex before me, while I believed she didn't, is a horrible one. I enjoyed it and it meant so much to me, and now I can't help but think that she would have been thinking (at least in passing) about the other guy. What a horrible thought for the first time. If I had known previously, it wouldn't have mattered all that much. I just feel betrayed.

 

I 'got over' it, and we've had a nice week. But I'm not sure what the underlying effects of this are.

 

hmm. there we have it.

[brokenpogostick]

I know that it may be difficult to swallow, but everyone has a past and that's something that we all just have to deal with. Chances are, she didn't even know you before that happened. If she didn't know you at all then how was she supposed to have your feelings in mind at the time. She didn't do what she did to hurt you because she didn't even know you existed. I know it's hard, but try not to dwell on it.

 

Take it easy,

 

~Melanie

[hurtbylove]

After a certain age, most everyone has had a relationship before.

 

People learn from their previous relationships and it all happened before you were even in the picture. What she did in the past makes her who she is today.

 

There really is no use in thinking about her past, you can't change it. What's important is that she wants to be with you. Don't let this issue get to you too much, just enjoy the time you have with her. Love is often gone before you know it.

[routerx]

First, let me say that I don't believe in sex before marriage for the exact reasons you are describing. Sex is so special, treat it any other way, and you have problems.

 

But, since you've done this, my advice would be to get over yourself a little bit.

 

What she did was wrong, she should have been up front with you. My guess is that the reason she was not up front with you is because she was afriad of losing you. So, don't take it as an insult.

 

You've entered tricky territory. Do you respect her after having sex with her prior to being in love with her... does she respect you?

 

Until your relationship is open and honest, I would suggest focusing on your foundation.. not the climax.

[guitargirl]

Well, it's in her past, and there is nothing you can do about it, really. Just try to get over it...What does it matter

[guitargirl]

sorry didn't finish my post! What does it matter in the course of a lifetime?

[DopeStar]

that sucks that she didnt tell you but if it was only one time its not like she had that much knowledge about sex over you, dont feel bad about this she did it because she cared about you and didnt want you to be worried. Or you can look at it this way, the first girl i had sex with was out of town for the summer(before we had sex) and called me on night crying hystericly but wouldnt tell me what was wrong. well we had sex for what i thought was the first time for both of us a littel bit after her ruturn home, as it turned out, and i foudnt his out a few months later, was that she was raped while she was out of town and didnt tell me about it. i felt bad for her but ultimatly it ruin my respect for her since she didnt tell me and that was just not respectful of me. Enjoy the fact taht she is sleeping with you and not someone else, or with you and someone else.

 

as homer simpson once said "let it go Marge, thats in the past now" or something to that effect

[Stefi]

Dopestar,

 

I just want to point out that your first girl was a victim of a crime. Being raped is not like being mugged. Victims of rape feel violated in every way physically and emotionally. It's a violation of their souls. Also because of the sexual nature of the crime many victims of rape feel ashamed that they were raped, eventhough it's not their fault and find it difficult to talk about the trauma. I realize you must have felt that she wasn't being honest with you by not confiding in you right away, and she ultimately told you because she trusted you. Also know that it must have taken a great deal of courage for her to be able to talk to you about it.

[DopeStar]

i understand that she was a victim, but seriously you dont sleep with someone after youve been raped without making sure ok first, she never got checked out and didnt tell anyone that this happened, no cops, parents nothing, maybe she couldnt. was she really raped i dont know, thats just what she told me, she may have done it intentionally and told me she was raped so she didnt look like a cheater, she was the kind of girl to get into situations that things happens in, i never accused her of cheating but i just never felt right in the relationship after words. Im not saying that i didnt feel bad for her or want to help her but her actions after the incedent never matched up, so i could never get my head on straight about the whole situation, it was not long after she got back for us to get together maybe a week and this was only like 2 weeks from the phone call i got, if it was raped and she was truamatized she would not have been so eager to jump into bed with me, right? the truth was i felt lied to and cheated and it just wasnt going to work for me, i was young and selfish, i have grown since then.

[Stefi]

Hi Dopestar,

 

It sounds like you had reasons to doubt her intentions, so I can see why you'd suspect that she was not being honest with you. It must have been tough to not know what was going on.

 

Take care,

Stefi

[melatonin]

I did and do love her; that is the problem. It was the fact that we were so ready for it, that it came as such a shock when the experience I thought she was having (i.e. of making love to me) wasn't quite what what I believed it to be.

 

You're right about her past; I do need to let that rest and frankly ignore it from this point of view. Thanks for your replies.

[riotgurl84]

if you want a really good ancwer to your question go rent the movie "CHACING AMY" it will help you alot i think its my fave movie so yea rent it love it and learn from it