Very confused, need advice please

[trent]

Hi, this is a long one, but i really need as much advice as possible.

 

My ex and I went out for 3.5 years, and lived together for two of them. We split in February, (her dec) in hindsight because she wanted more commitment, to get married and have kids, and I had shirked that a bit. In hindsight, I would of married her, I want the same things, I just didn't show it at the time.

 

Main complication, just before we split she started seeing another bloke she'd met (not local), because she said she felt neglected.

I've tried telling her how much I love her and that I wanted the same things to no avail. She's still seeing this bloke, but at the same time, she has said things like she's not happy, and seems pissed off I'm buying my own house (I'm staying with a mate at the moment).

 

The no contact thing doesn't really work well, as I still have to pick up post, and she rings occasionally because she needs something I have.

Anyway I went around the other evening at her request to give her something, and we had a pleasant chat and a couple of beers, then she tells me this bloke is coming to stay for a couple of nights!She also tells me she's going on holiday with him in June! Did I need to know that?

 

I don't know where she's coming from (ladies any advice?), I don't know if its completely over and she just likes to know I'm still madly in love with her, or if it's something else?

 

I've been mentally tortured by all this for 3 months and just when it seems to be getting better, it gets worse and I can't sleep at night.

 

I don't think I can handle her on going on holiday with him, but I still really love her, I also think he's just a fling (punishment for me?) as he lives 300 miles away and not going to give her a family, which is what she wants.

 

What do I do, carry on being the nice guy who still loves her, while she sees someone else, or get whats left off my stuff and get out of it( ts would be very very hard as I still love her).What I really want to say to her is ask her not to go on holiday with him, and try agin with me, but i'm pretty sure that won't get a result.

All advice much appreciated, thanks

[BreArna]

Not really sure whats going on with her ffrom what you said, but maybe in her own little way she is trying to make u pay for not wanting to get married in the first place. I think you should try and move on even tho that is very hard right now. Sorry i couldnt help much

[trent]

Thanks. Anyone else have some advice/interpretation please

[SincerlyHurt]

Trent, dang man I feel your pain. My ex fiance left me after nine years just over 3 months ago. Within two weeks she was shacked up with a guy from 2000 miles away. Every weekend since they have been together. About a month after our split she went to stay with him for 10 days in New York City. Now I found out they have a vacation planned for Costa Rica in a week or so. So what have I done? I have moved on. We were engaged, had life plans together and all that came crashing down in the span of an evening.

 

About all you can do at this point is remain the nice guy you have been but start worrying about yourself. Have you done anything new to improve upon you? Do that, it creates confidence and will make you feel better all around. Stop obsessing over her and him, he has nothing to do with you and there is not much you can do about them. If your ex comes back you will want her to come back wholeheartedly and not out of pity for you. So step back and figure out ALL of the shortcomings you and her had and address them, this way even if she does not come back you will be a better mate for the next woman that you find.

 

As for asking her not to go on vacation with him, nah, that probably wont work. I did the same thing with my ex and she sounded reluctant to have him come here the first time but the tickets and arrangements had already been made so she went through with it. If their plans are already in order she will probably feel like she needs to go through with them and you pleading will not change anything. So hang on to that pride, swallow hard and get ready to crash because it freaking hurts. Go out, meet new people and try to get your mind on something else. When those walls close in around you get out.

 

I hope this helps in some way, it is probably not what you wanted to hear but I have just been through a similiar situation and can honestly say that now I am happier than ever, I think.

[trent]

Can anyone else help, I'm very confused

[jasminebose]

Hi Trent,

It sounds to me like she was maybe telling you about the holiday and new man to test out your reaction. Maybe she wanted you to say 'no! i still love you!'. Sometimes a girl will try and show her ex what he is missing by trying to make him jealous, in this case it seems to be working!

 

Have you told her you still love her and regret that you broke up? If not then I think you should. don't beg her not to go away with this guy or to break up with him, but she should know how you feel and can then make up her mind. I know it makes you really vulnerable to do that, so you have to be prepared for her to say no but at least you will know that you tried and did all you could. Breaks the no contact rule, I know, but I personally think honesty is whats called for in this case.

 

Another thing is that you said the reason she broke up with you was because you didn't want to commit. Do you still feel like that? Are you ready now? I think that is an issue as it may come up again even if you were to get back together. You need to think about if you are ready.

Good luck

JZ

[trent]

Thanks for the reply. Why do you think its a bad idea to ask her not to go, as well as telling her I love her. I think that wil show my feelings

[Mix Maxster]

because it could sound like you're tellign her what to do.

I mean I did the same thing with my ex, I sounded sincere and honest and I wasn't trying to TELL her what to do, but to her that's all it sounded like. In her head it was like "oh so your'e tellign me what I can and cannot do?" when that's not what I was tryign to say at all, I didn't say to ehr "you are not goign! because this guy has me worried that he'll do something with you" and of course I DID NOT say that, but that's what she said it sounded like. Honestly I would play it cool and do it the indirect way, like wish her a good trip or tell her you hope she has fun and hopefully she'll say somethign liek "i doubt it" or "i don't know, I'll try" to which you could say something like "what, you don't want to go or something?" and see where it goes from there. Like in the end tell her, why do you want ot go then? I mean why not just not go? to which she would respond a lot better than if you just were blunt about it because if you sound mature about it and make her believe that you cannot control what she does and thereforeee respect her decision to go, she may respond by saying that she's unsure of why she wants to go or something like that. If she really is happy then i'm sure she'lll enjoy going and will tell you so, but you can't do anything or else that will offend her and possible make her mad at you. It's what you're willing to take i guess and you are in control of you and you can do whatever you wish, but you may end up losing her if you can't prove to her how much of a man you are lol. I mean really it takes a brave man to ignore his own feelings and tell his ex that he's happy for her and only wants her to be happy and to put her feelings before his own. That really makes an impact when you can tell someone you love them enough to say you respect them to do what they have to and that you can only say you love them, but it's up to them to care or do anything about it.

[DrNick]

Hiya Trent, you sound like an Aussie... if so, hello from a fellow aussie. My take on the situation is that she feels that you neglected her, so she found someone else, and now she's rubbing your nose in it (ie. she's trying to show you everything you're missing).

The fact that she's bothering to rub your nose in it means she still has feelings for you, but she's hurt and she wants you to suffer. Just because someone has feelings for you doesn't mean they will eventually get back with you. Women are strange that way Simply telling her that you love her and you want her back isn't going to change anything. What you need to do is (if appropriate) apologise for what you did wrong, then walk away and don't contact her again. Try to get over her and move on. Don't stay friends with her, it will only lead to you getting upset. If she truly loves you and is testing you, she will eventually call you. If she doesn't and she's happy with the new guy, then nothing you do now will change that, so keep your dignity and don't approach her. I know it's hard, but believe me, it's the best thing you can do.

[trent]

Cheers, but I don't think I couldn't not ask her not to go. I feel I hadn't tried enough

[jasminebose]

Quite right trent! What I meant was, don't beg her (i.e. don't lose your self respect) but do tell her how you feel. I don't think you should tell her not to go, ask her if you have to but in the end she will make up her own mind. Hopefully if you make it clear how you feel about her she will make the choice not to go with him without you having to ask her!

JZ