feel like i'm in limbo, not sure what to do.

[anna-marie]

hi, i realize the relationship i am involved in is relatively short (a month) but i would still welcome any advice as a confusing situation has been thrust upon me.

 

first off, it began as one of those very intense and time consuming relationships that felt all too real, amazing, giddy. i would say we spent 5-6 days out of each week together.

 

however, things eventually get "real" and i think the intensity of it started to scare us both---to make a long story short i think we each have slight abandonment issues we are working through.

 

needless to say it was obvious this was not a causal relationship and it was either headed to a 100% comittment or perhaps needed to end while still new. we talked for about a week in regards to our fears, wants, etc and it became apparent to me there was more reluctance on his part to open up completely. i understood his hesitation and said maybe we should slow things down and it would help.

 

well in the last few days he has become increasingly distant and a bit cold to me. when i asked him why he said he felt he was putting up some sort of defense because he was struggling with whether or not he could handle a relationship. after a series of long talks this is what basically came out:

 

he really feels like at this time in his life he may not be in the best headspace to be the kind of boyfriend that i deserve and he wants to be...however, he doesnt want to lose me so he's not sure what to do. he thought he could continue on with the relationship the way it is going but really feels his inabilty will cause him to act out in ways that will push me away and/or make me dislike him which is something he wants to avoid at all costs.

 

he said that perhaps its best to really slow things down so he can figure things out and work through his issues. basically, he wants to be healthy before being close to someone...also, he needs to make certain that he is ready for such a serious relationship. he doesnt want things defined as the pressure of feeling responsible to someone has created an enormous amount of stress and has a huge affect on his life (he needs to focus on his issues and he finds that he currently is putting mine before his...)

 

so basically he's not ready for a relationship or even ready for the pressure of a prelude to a relationship. i accepted this as a break-up but he stressed this wasnt what he was doing and did not want to lose me. that this process was perhaps the only way to have me in his life in the long-run. he said he needs time to figure things out and really hopes he can identify what the reluctance is and move past it because he doesnt want to lose me.

 

i just dont know what to do...a part of me feels like i should just walk away and avoid the possible outcome of him realizing he's not ready. but another part thinks its only been a month and we rushed into things so perhaps its not a bad idea to slow them down...i just dont like the vagueness of it all.

 

i really care him and i know he feels the same, i just wonder in giving him this space and time to figure things out what role should i play? he stresses he does not want our dynamic to change, just lessen (in terms of time spent together, expectations, obligations) he also made it clear this is not about seeing other people but about figuring out if he can be in a relationship (although he did say he understood if i needed to see other people since he was thrusting an unfair situation on me--although it wouldnt be his ideal choice--basically, he doesnt want me to feel like im "waiting" for him)

 

i dont know...i like him alot but i want to be fair to myself without delusions. perhaps im overreacting and should just see what happens but i also dont want to look like a stupid girl who settles (but again its just been a month and maybe it was unrealistic of both of ud to think we could define something that early...)

 

and any advice if i do hold out on perhaps making him feel comfprtable with the idea of being in a relationship?

[BreArna]

This is pretty hard to give advice on.. I think if you really like him then do what he is asking and give him the time and space he needs to figure this all out, but to be fair to you set a time limit... 2mths 6mths or something like that and make that clear to him that u cant put ur life on hold forever while he deals with his issues, and stick to what u have set, otherwise he will know he can keep you at arms length and ull allow it. I hope that helped abit and good luck!

[ziggystar]

anna-marie,

 

i've just been through exactly the same thing you just went through. it was very short and intense. all i can say is that if you wait or have hopes of him changing any time soon, you'll just frustrate yourself. my ex and i, had the same issues. it started entirely blissful with us spending 4-5 days a week together with many sleep over nights, basically daily. in the first month alone we had met each others parents and talked about moving in together and some hints of kids in the future. yes, it sounds a bit intense for one month. and we're not kids either. i'm 37 and she's 35. but after another month or so she began to get cold and aloof. this continued and worsen until about 3 months in. we began to get into arguments because of that. so we decided to take a break. at that point, i decided to buckle up and be supportive of her space issues. now 5 months later, she just wants to be friends. i don't regret a minute of this, although some spikes of anger do happen. but it was a hard and arduous journey. i'm not saying that this is what's going to happen to you. even if it were to happen, you still might need to go through it yourself. but there is a good chance that it might get messy and bad. i think you should let go of him and let him figure out things himself entirely. let him learn the natural consequences of his ambivalence. you being there only keeps it a stalemate, which will put you in limbo, a slow death. i'm not saying to do this in any negative fashion, but while it's still on good terms, break from it before it gets ugly. if it was meant to be, he'll be back, but give it some time.

[hurt and confused]

i think you should let go of him and let him figure out things himself entirely. let him learn the natural consequences of his ambivalence. you being there only keeps it a stalemate, which will put you in limbo, a slow death.

 

WOW, you hit this nail on the head!! Do you think most ever really figure it out though? My husband is sending me separation papers one day, and e-mailing me the next saying he is willing to go to therapy and keep an open mind about reconciliation. WTH is that? I've tried to make him understand how being ambivilant is not helping the relationship, but he sees it totally opposite of how I do. I just wish for once he'd stand up for himself and make a decision and stick to it. Maybe it's guilt, I don't really know.