situation with my new-ex

[mrd]

My ex and I broke up two weeks ago over dubious reasons. Since then, we've hung out a lot, and recently I've been trying to put some distance between us. I would like to get back together, but she has stated she does not. This is acceptable to me but it is proving to be difficult. She wants to remain close friends, and she is still emotionally dependant on me. Seeing as I still have strongs feelings towards her, its hard for me to adjust to the change in relationship. Its even harder when she still calls me, asks me to hang out, tells me how important I am too her, etc. In other words, she acts as if we're still together, minus physical interaction. She also gets jealous whenever she thinks im going to see other women, which I have not done yet. She did at one point state she wants me but not a boyfriend. Its hard for me to get over my feelings when she still gives me special attention and I still see her on a regular basis. I would like to spend some time away from her, but this is extremely difficult, as in order to do so I have to sacrifice a large part of my social life (we have many mutual friends).

 

I would like to be friends someday but at the immediate moment I'm not ready for it. When I attempt to be her friend, I find myself in awkward situations where I would like to do things that are no longer appropriate (ex: we often lay in bed together, I wanna get physical).

 

The current situation upsets me tremendously and I've been trying to change it to make myself happier. This has caused numerous arguments with my ex, and I'm afraid in trying to change things I'm hurting her. At this point, I would like some sort of solution that can make both of us happy, but I am at a loss. I feel I've communicated my feelings to her effectively but I do not feel she has done the same. Whatever advice anyone can give is greatly appreciated.

[JT]

I read your post and have to say that I went through this crap 1 year ago. I initially broke it off because she became physical after an argument, wrecked her car the same night etc. Just an emotional mess. I dont appreciate being hit and I told her that. After 3 days of her crying It persuaded me to come back. After I did that then she was the one who decided to "talk on the phone but not see me".

 

Seems as if your in a similar situation.. which basically means "i'd like to keep you on the back burner until i find something better". Thats what I did for several months. It drove me nuts. I would try to go out with my friends, she'd call me and tell me "not to talk to girls," even though we werent officially together. I'd go out and talk to friends, and when she'd call me she'd ask where I was and then I'd tell her and she'd blow up.

 

Case in point.. dont fall for this crap. She dont want you like you want her, then YOUR NEEDS ARE'NT BEING MET. Time to move on my friend. I suggest playing her stupid game right back at her. Dont make yourself available. Dont call her back all the time. I know it sucks, but hey you gotta prove to her your not some shmuck who's just gonna sit around and wait for her.

 

Good luck. Dont do what I did. I learned the HARD way.

 

JT

[mrd]

after reading your post I dont think that my ex is nearly as bitchy. she's pretty kind and nice, and I have not been hit. she has showed equal concern for my feelings for the most part. she just fails to offer any sort of solution

[JT]

Your needs have to be met.. without that there's nothing. Tell her this.. if she wont compromise on a solution then there's no point.

[phaseone]

Its very difficult to be friends with someone you use to be more with. I think your best solution is to cut contact from her. I know you would like to remain friends, but since you guys just recently broke apart, its probably your best intention to move on with your life. When you're oover her, then you guys can definitely build upon a friendship.

 

If you do remain friends with her now, think about how hurtful it will be when she tells you about the new guy in her life. How amazing he is and how happy he makes her.

 

Good Luck!

[mrd]

last night we talked. she said she still has feelings for me, but had concerns about whether or not a relationship would still work. she said some other stuff, and overall the big problem on her side of things is that she doesnt tell me how she feels. she also said she's stressed out from school and stuff going on with her friends. knowing whats going on at school and with her friends, i can understand the stress, but alas i dont think i should be on the backburner.

[debisfun]

She's trying to rationalize her behaviour by saying she's under "stress". Honey, we are ALL under stress. That's called life.

 

It really sounds like she is using you as a safety net....she wants to move on, but wants to have you around as well to make her feel wanted and loved.

 

I'm not saying she is doing this to be intentionally malicious or hurtful. She may not realize her motivations.

 

However, you need to take care of the most important person in your life, YOU! Protect yourself. You need to institute no contact in order to start the healing process.

 

It will suck. It will hurt. You'll miss her and you will think that having her "on her terms" will be better than not having her at all. That's the addiction talking. But you CAN heal and move on.

 

Good Luck.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yeah buddy, give her the space she needs to sort herself. Just tell her you are needing space and giving her her space. If she sees that its space given to her she should see the ball in her court. Remember men keep women on the backburner, generally for sex, till they find the next one, better one etc. Women keep men on the backburner more for emotional needs and thats where the "friends" part comes in. Ever wonder why its always women who say "we can still be friends" or that friendship is more of a concern. If you were friends before maybe it will work. I think though she wants you around until she is sure of some other guy. Then where will she be? You have ask if she would really be there for you. I know of my ex girlfriends that wouldnt and the ones that would. The ones that would always broke up with me or at least initiated through behavior. I think you should give her the boot and move on dont talk to her it only makes it harder. If she wants to be with you its as simple as that. There is nothing you can do to make her Love you other than be yourself.

[JT]

The problem here is attachment, or in other words "codependence". The more you are codependent on the other person "being there" the longer it will take you to move on. Its been awhile for me since I last spoke to my ex, about 4 weeks. When we first broke up last year she was codependent on me being there for her emotionally, and sexually to some extent. The whole situation hurt me badly. Better to just suck it up and move on. Put it this way.. if you move on your no longer able to be hurt by her.. you are responsible for making yourself feel better.. not her. Do not consider yourself the victim here.. do not feel guilty in any way. Learn from it, pick your things up and move on. Its all easier said than done, but you can look back on other situations when you felt this way, and hey it worked out didnt it, so this one will to.

 

Avoid the codependent behavior. She's not there for you like you need her, dont be there for her. It'll drag it out.