Letter or closure or no?

[lisaria]

Hey everybody,

I have a question. If you have sent your ex a letter or email of closure did it help you? If so, did it help you two become friends or just help close things for you? I am writing one for my ex, but not sure if I want to send it or not. I have to have some kind of closure and get on with my life and I want him to know how much I learned from our relationship. Not going to be mushy or even ask him for anything, just a letter to help me along. Opinions?

Lisa

[lisaria]

hey monet,

I couldn't talk to him face to face. I get too emotional in situations like that. have you ever had closure by talking to them in person?

lisa

[wanderingalonenow]

Yeah, I think you know what you have to do. I did write a letter, but I made the mistake of making mine a little too emotional. Which I guess ended up making her feel like I was pressuring her and just made things worse. It's important, as you realize, to no be too gushy about it. So I say (and it's just my humble opinion) go for it if you feel like it'll help you get the closure you need.

[AB38]

I totally agree with the last post. I wrote a letter of closure, but ended up talking to her in person. Obviously it was a very emotional moment but helped me sort things out and for her as well.

 

We both have been able to move on. It's the leftover memories that are hard to get over. I will give myself a few months for that.

[woopsydaisy]

Hi ...i would defenitly say writing a letter is a good thing to me it was a way of exsplaining my feelings for my ex without any pressure.I just wrote down the sum total of my thoughts for her and exsplained how i felt.I to tryed exsplaining myself and my feelings seeing my ex in person..but it didnt work..to many emotions got in the way and we ended up nowere.So i would definetly advise writing a letter, and i wouldnt hold back with your feelings...it will give the person reading it time to think about what you put without jumping in and maybe critising , like what would happen if you see the person face to face.

[Scout]

What would be "closure" for you? The chance to tell him something you want to get off your chest? Or to hear him tell you something? I just ask because if you write him an email or letter and he doesn't respond, you aren't going to get closure if you need to hear something from him. And if that's what you want, you will have to actually talk to him.

[DragonGirl724]

i wrote 2 & it helped me gain closure & allowed him to know how i feel b/c i sumtimes get choked up & overwhelmed w/ thoughts when i saw him. right now im giving him the space he needs last letter i wrote was april 25th it was an upbeat letter talkin about my life & what im up to & i appologized for acting smothering wen we were together & i left it open ended i said 'hey if u want to re-establish a friendship etc..its your call i dont want to pressure you anymore than i might have when we were together take care & be good.'

 

the letter was 6pages & i felt a lot better since i delievered it to his house...i feel handwritten letters are better than emails.

 

best of luck. love doesnt always come easy, if it didnt require work it wouldnt be as special...

 

-DG724

[lisaria]

Hey people,

I am having this unbelievable urge to contact him. I wrote an email. The gist of it goes like this:

Dear SO,

I was cleaning out a few folders and found the one about your new job promotion and realized I had never replied. So I want to congratulate you on that and I hope it's everything you wanted.

While I'm writing this I figure I may as well get a little closure on a few things.

I really enjoyed our time together and I hope you have a few good memories also. There are a few things I did that I'm not proud of and I want to apologise for that. I hope the bad doesn't outweigh the good. The gin and tonics, the trips, the sex, the wine tasting, the company and the laughter. I think you're a fascinating man and I wish all the best for you.

PS Please do not reply. A short and impersonal email would do neither of us justice.

Does this sound like I'm asking for something from him? Like I want him back? Please tell me if you think I should send it. It's been nearly four months and I am hoping this will either completely close it for me or it will be a new beginning.

Please give me your opinions.

Lisa

[princesa]

Dear Lisa,

 

I think you must know best if writing an e-mail you ask him not to reply will give you the closure you need. I've written some letters in the past with the same intention, but today I'd say I did that in order to get an answer. And only the "negative" or indifferent answer gave me closure = I had to realise he truly didn't want me anymore. Did I have to humiliate myself, I think sometimes...because at the end of the day, shouldn't cheaters and dumpers themselves apologise for hurting us, and not us for loving them and maybe for some things we did and are not that proud of?I'm not sure.

 

On the other hand, I like your mail because it's short, not really gushy, and you've found a good way to start it with that promotion thing. You say what you have to say and if you think that'll bring you closure, please go for it. If you do send this mail, and he won't answer, or if he answers in a very indifferent way, please get the grip and promise me not to do anything anymore!!!!! I know it hurts but you know you can't hang on anymore...

 

Actually, I'm doing something similar myself = I broke the NC rule (heck, I might as well admit it...)...I have been waiting for 2 looooooong months for this, that is his birthday, to send a "casual" congratulation as if giving him the ball by letting him know in a subtle way I haven't forgotten and I wish him all the best...I sent it this week and still haven't got any answer. I admit I'm waiting for one, naturally...and you can believe this uncertainty about whether he has received it really kills me!! If he doesn't answer, or answers in a very formal way or something like that, that's it then. (It should be it anyways!!!) In a way we're all looking for a closure somehow, I guess...

 

But really Lisa: no begging, pouring out your heart, apologising...He KNOWS how much you care, even if you didn't send the mail.

There is one sentence that worries me am hoping this will either completely close it for me or it will be a new beginning.

...so what do you want? Keep on as it is = you still hurting and wondering about him? This shows that you are expecting something to happen...like I am with the birthday thing . I guess we both have to make it clear that if us breaking the NC rule has as a consequence a) then what will we do, and if b) then what will we do. We shouldn't just wait and see and then make conclusions, I'm afraid that will make us feel worse. And what we don't want, I'm sure you don't want it either, is starting from square 1 all over again...

 

I don't know if you understand what I mean (my bloody english skills again...) - we should be prepared and not break the rule as if this was the last straw. For me it is...but I don't want it to break my back if it doesn't lead to expected answer...

 

You're a big girl and know best, like I always say!!!!

 

 

take care and let us know what happened,

princesa

[LMTT]

I'd definitely write a letter even if you don't send it. Just committing thoughts to paper can help you make sense of your own feelings. And if you do want to send the letter, it can be a good way of saying things which you can't express properly face to face..such as when emotions take over.

 

I sent my ex a long handwritten letter about three weeks after we split, and when she next got in touch with me, she made a point of thanking me for the letter, saying it had taken her a long time to digest and must have been very painful for me to write, but she was glad I had sent it to her. I wouldn't say the letter helped us to be friends as we ultimately intended to remain friends anyway once we had got our heads sorted out. But it helped me say everything I had left to say to her concerning our relationship and the way it had ended, and from then on I could declare the matter closed.

[lisaria]

Hey ya'll,

Thanks for your advice. I'm sending it. If I never hear anything then that is it. I'll probably be starting over but at least I will know for a fact that he doesn't want anymore to do with me. Of course, I guess his actions have proven that, wouldn't you say. So maybe this is closure for me. I do have to move on. God it is going to be so hard. Hell, it has been so very very hard. I will always want him and the dreams I had will never really go away. But this will be it one way or the other.

princesa, you have great english and thank you for all of your support over the last few crises for me. You're right, I am stupidly hoping I'll hear from him, but I think I really know in my heart finally that it is over. LM, I have written so many letters to him that I have never sent. But this time it's over. So, I'm getting closure finally ending it for me. Pray for me, it's going to be hard. Here goes.

Lisa

[Scout]

You probably already sent it, but if you didn't, I would take out the P.

[Scout]

...oops, sent it before I was finished. I would take out the P.S. because why ask him not to respond? I think closure for you means him talking to you and telling you why it ended.

[princesa]

Lisa,

 

I guess we are in the same situation then...waiting. This time around not just wondering about but playing the last card, right? Maybe dreams will come true and we'll have happy endings...if not, let's just hang around here in this forum for some time more and then find new princes. Deal?

 

Princesa