Left for a Younger Woman

[Exinthecity]

I am new to this forum, and would guess that this subject has been raised a thousand times. My husband of 18 years left me a year ago for a woman 25 years younger than me. I have been through all the stages of grief and depression athis past year, and I am trying my best now to regroup and reshape my life. I still can't get my confidence back as a woman - I am a youthful and spirited 50 year old but I just can't come to grips with the reality that he is with a young girl, that I became unattractive and undesirable to him because I was too old. Its true I was 10 years older than him and for 18 years that was never an issue between us. Its as though one day he just turned 40 and decided he wanted to be with a younger woman. How have other dealt with this. It still breaks my heart. I have gone through exile, express, exorcise, explore - where I am today. I am Exploring new options, places to live and work, new friends, but I just can't look in the mirror and feel good about myself as a woman. Where is everyone else in the journey of "ex-ness"? Would love to hear other opinions.

[The Morrigan]

I beg to differ - with only one exception, I've only been approached by YOUNGER guys since I've been separated. To my surprise, there are a lot of guys who are actively looking for more maturity than they've found in younger women.

 

That said - I'm sorry you've had to go through that - but IMO it's pretty immature and shallow to go seeking out someone younger based on just that, without considering other things in life. And if that's the basis for his decision, or part of it - she's more trophy than partner - not a desireable position to be in. One thing is certain - she too WILL get older. Youth is fleeting - as are youthful looks, you can do better than someone who's willing to be attracted to that first and not look deeper. There are plenty of guys who appreciate women who have enough experience to have more of an idea of what they really want and value - you might hit some losers along the way, but I'm sure you'll hit on one who shares your ideas and will value you for exactly what your ex didn't.

[cruisin]

Dear Exinthecity,

 

I just wanted to say that I gave your Web site a quick look and like what I see. It looks very mature and professional. I'll check it out more thoroughly later.

 

Just let me say that if your ex is only going for youth then losing him is no great loss. I know it's a shock and unbelievable but some people stop growing and when that happens they have no where to go but back to where they came from, back through stages others are just going through now.

 

It's not really about looks or youth at all, it's about development and building to one's person, which your ex may not have done. In all fairness his leaving may have been due to something else in your relationship together but don't beat yourself up that it's about youth and looks. If it is, like I said, good riddance to him!

[Athena]

Xin,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Boy, you think you know someone hugh? I'm so sorry.

 

My thoughts are this, although it's reasonable that you do, I would encourage you to try and see this as not about YOU as the person you are. Here is what I mean by that. If you were someone else, same age, would it be reasonable to assume that he would have done the same thing? From what you've described I'd say yes. What ever his deal is, it's got to do with something that is not about you. The other thing to keep in mind here is that a major reason why he is with her is because of her age. I think its important for you to try and make this HIS issue and not your issue.

 

I think that when we are broken up with (in any situation) we tend to loose confidence in ourselves. You're situation certainly adds alot more to the loss of confidence issue. What I've done to help myself regain confidence in is to surround myself with people who think alot of me and express my feelings. Let them know you are feeling down about yourself. People who love you will give you all sorts of good reasons to think well of yourself. I also take on personal challanges to help me build my confidence back. One of th ways I do that is to travel somewhere far where I've never been before, and I go alone. That does wonders for me. You have to figure everything out for yourself. I've traveled alone many times (by choice now - not just to recoop from a breakup) and always find many interesting men to talk and spend time with - that helps boost the ego too!

 

The other thing to keep in mind, and you have to look at this one with "the glass is half full" perspective, you will never be younger than you are today, you will never be more physically beautiful than you are today, ENJOY, APPRECIATE and EXPLOIT who and what you have today.

 

That guy you were with was puddle deep. Now its time for you to explore YOU a bit more deeply than you may have before, and I am sure you will be impressed with what you find, and, there are lots of men out there who will be impressed as well. Men are alot like buses. They are big, loud and stinky and if you miss the first one, don't worry, there'll be one pulling in another 5 minutes.

 

Don't let this fool bring you down lady.

 

-A

[Ash]

Athena, please don't forget these two people were married for many years, and shared many good times together. Maybe a switch flipped in his head (ask me how I know ...) but he wasn't always the way he is today. Who really knows why things go wrong sometimes, but they do. I'm not defending him, but I also am sensitive to how Xinthecity might feel about him too.

 

Xinthecity, to address your initial post, you had asked for opinions on ex-ness. I am at fault in my marriage break up. I have good days, and I have bad days. I broke up largely because of another woman too, although age was not an issue. Affection and emotions were perhaps more so.

 

But, being on the other side, there are not many days when I can look myself in the mirror and feel good about myself. But for different reasons. You feel unattractive (which I doubt is actually true), I hope that will pass in time. I feel the guilt, and the fact I've so badly let down three families, her's, mine and ours.

 

Be careful about how many things you try to change at once, they cause a lot of stress. Moving, and getting a new job are very high stress, as is breaking up with a long time partner. Sure, get out and do different things, but if you house, or your job is comfortable, then perhaps you might want to stick with that comfort for the moment. Everybody is different though.

 

I had to move, and I kept thinking I couldn't hack my job anymore. But I felt I really had better stick out my job because I needed a constant.

 

I'm not sure if I have addressed your initial request for journey's of ex-ness. And when you've been so badly hurt, it can be difficult to hear about the other side of things. But I guess in truth, many times, there is a right side and a wrong. I can comment at length on the wrong ...