Why are men always interested when you aren’t?

[Allyo]

I can’t help but noticing the trend that when I am interested in a man and approach him first that he seems to either run away or that the relationship eventually fails. Meanwhile, I am constantly approached and bombarded by men that I am no longer interested in or attracted to! Does this happen to you too?

 

Most recent example:

 

I was really into this somewhat shy guy in my master’s program. We hit it off well and have similar interests. I think it may have been going in a good direction… but I just kind of got tired of waiting around. I got impatient and felt like the relationship wasn’t progressing, maybe due to his shyness or personality.

 

So basically I began paying more attention to my rock-climbing friend. I met him a year ago, but we were both dating other people. There was a lot of attraction and we kissed several times, but I eventually decided to continue seeing exclusively the man that I had already been dating. But I stayed friends with rock-climbing guy, it just seemed natural since we also have a lot in common and are both pretty relaxed and easy-going. We hung out several times, invited each other to parties, basically talking and messaging on and off while we were both in other relationships.

 

Well rock climbing guy and I ended our relationships with other people about the same time in September, and suddenly he began messaging me more than ever. I sensed an interest, but it was hard to kind of to all of a sudden consider him when I had already put him in the friends category. I continued with my interest in shy guy, but I recently have felt really pulled into the charm of rock-climbing guy. He wasn’t my “first” pick between the two, but I feel like my feelings are growing for him since I am impressed in a way by his persistence. I felt like I should give him a chance, and I decided to forget shy guy.

 

So I take rock-climbing guy to the last Christmas party of the quarter. We are nothing official, just in the beginning stages of dating. Shy guy greets us as the door, gets a funny look on his face seeing us together, and ignores me the rest of the night! He was obviously jealous. Oh well I thought… The most ironic part is that he later sends me a dramatic message on messenger about how he passed by my house to talk and say goodbye before going to his parent’s house for Christmas, and I didn’t answer the door. I didn’t answer because I was in my house with rock-climbing guy, and I thought the man knocking at the door was just a solicitor since I wasn’t expecting anyone. On TOP of this, the guy that I broke up with in September found out that I was seeing rock-climbing guy and suddenly started messaging me again. So apparently it just takes a bit of jealously to make a man finally act or what?!

 

I basically feel very frustrated. But I am happy with my decision to take into consideration rock-climbing guy. I feel like my feelings could grow for him and that it could be a good relationship based on the fact that we were friends first.

 

Anyone have similar experiences/opinions…?

[Karibo]

Men are most fulfilled when they can make a woman happy (unless they are imature and only out for themselves). Therefore if you try too hard or show too much interest then they don't get the satisfaction from DOING things to make YOU happy. When they can make you happy, it makes them feel successful. if you offer yourself up to them on a plate, they don't have to DO anything for you and it doesn't light their fire.

 

Men who persue you when you aren't interested are enjoying the thrill of the chase, the act of DOING something to try and win you over so they can feel successful in making you happy.

[Creative]

So apparently it just takes a bit of jealously to make a man finally act or what?!

 

Some guys are not quick to act. Some of us just felt there are time for us to wait and see. Guys are not very good at multitasking either. Since he's in the Master's program, the majority of his time would be occupied. You can't expect him to put you first over his career. The only time he has is this Christmas break. Looks to me like this break is when he has his plan with you.

[bugbug]

Not really an answer, but it's related, and understanding this this rule-of-thumb changed my life:

 

Who you like is almost 100% irrelevant. Who likes you is 100% relevant.

 

There's a long, long, long list of women I like and would want to date. But so what? What matters is how many of 'em like me. Those are the women who I need to devote my time and energy to. The remainder are a waste of my time. If they're not interested in me, it doesn't matter how strongly I feel for them.

 

Americans (especially women) have been brainwashed from childhood into believing that our feelings are important. Messages like "follow your heart" and "believe in yourself and you can do anything" are forced down our throats from kindergarten. But the hard truth is that our feelings often don't matter: The feelings we feel do not necessarily reflect external reality. But women are reluctant to admit that "follow your heart" is terrible advice, so they turn to manipulation and rationalization, both of which create more heartache and drama.

 

So my suggestion is that you re-train yourself to look for the guys who are already interested in you. You'll be a lot happier in the long run.

 

Creative: Let's not resort to sexist nonsense. Women flatter themselves that they're good at multitasking, but in truth no one's good at multitasking: link removed

[June_Bug]

We all want what we can't have. It's called the law of scarcity. I don't understand it, either, but it's certainly true in my life.

 

For instance, I gave my number to a man a few weeks ago. The first voice mail he left was so off putting, I opted to not return his call. He's been calling and texting me for three weeks now. He has gotten no response from me, but he keeps trying. Why???? Honestly, if the initial voice mail hadn't been so off putting, I would have just politely declined him, but I digress...

 

The ones I want don't want me and I don't want the ones that do. Worse, I won't want them until they decide they don't want me. Then they suddenly, mysteriously become attractive to me. Crazy, right?

[Pnt8rshs]

June Bug is totally right. Even I do it, and I hate that I do it!

 

I recently broke off dating this guy............and almost as soon as he "agreed to it" I felt this rush of "Wait, maybe I do like you."

 

Lol.

[erina]

I noticed this on online dating sites. I get plenty of mail from men who initiate contact from me. Most of them, I would never choose to date so I won't respond to them. But whenever I initiate contact, I rarely get a response. Whenever I do get a response, it is a brief platonic note, not a rejection note but nothing flirtatious either. I don't know why this is since I am an attractive woman (and the unappealing men will vouch for that, lol)

[AuthenticAuthor]

We all want what we can't have. It's called the law of scarcity. I don't understand it, either, but it's certainly true in my life.

 

For instance, I gave my number to a man a few weeks ago. The first voice mail he left was so off putting, I opted to not return his call. He's been calling and texting me for three weeks now. He has gotten no response from me, but he keeps trying. Why???? Honestly, if the initial voice mail hadn't been so off putting, I would have just politely declined him, but I digress...

 

The ones I want don't want me and I don't want the ones that do. Worse, I won't want them until they decide they don't want me. Then they suddenly, mysteriously become attractive to me. Crazy, right?

 

So by your logic, if I don't have rabies therefore I will want it?

 

I think the more correct explanation is this: People generally don't know for certain what they want in relationships, and instead mistake infatuation with genuine love. That's why they'll change their minds whether you're a perfect gentleman/lady or not, or whether you're their genuine soul-mate. Acting uninterested is not guaranteed to land you more men, just as how a guy acting the same way is not guaranteed to land himself more women. And if we all just did nothing and "played it cool", we'd never ask each other out.

[BriarRose]

In my experience, men always want you more when there is someone else in the picture. Or when you are not so responsive to them. I wish that wasn't the way, but it seems to be, from what I see.

 

For instance, I gave my number to a man a few weeks ago. The first voice mail he left was so off putting, I opted to not return his call. He's been calling and texting me for three weeks now. He has gotten no response from me, but he keeps trying. Why????

..

so typical, lol!

[erina]

So by your logic, if I don't have rabies therefore I will want it?

 

I think the more correct explanation is this: People generally don't know for certain what they want in relationships, and instead mistake infatuation with genuine love. That's why they'll change their minds whether you're a perfect gentleman/lady or not, or whether you're their genuine soul-mate. Acting uninterested is not guaranteed to land you more men, just as how a guy acting the same way is not guaranteed to land himself more women. And if we all just did nothing and "played it cool", we'd never ask each other out.

 

I love the rabies analogy and honestly could not say it better myself.

 

I don't think showing interest and taking initiative is what is a turn off, it is neediness and being clingy. If no one took initiative, no one would ever hook up.

 

I am an attractive woman (nice hair, smile, fit body, etc) but I usually will never attract the men I am interested in. Attractive men probably just go for the even hotter women. I have also tried to give the lesser attractive men a chance and really hoped that my feelings would grow but it did not happen.

 

Maybe it is just crap luck or something is really wrong with me, who knows? Possibly it is that I am more relaxed around men I am not attracted to, which is more attractive than my demeanor around attractive men.

[Creative]

"For instance, I gave my number to a man a few weeks ago. The first voice mail he left was so off putting, I opted to not return his call. He's been calling and texting me for three weeks now. He has gotten no response from me, but he keeps trying. Why????"

so typical, lol!

 

Yeah, I don't know why. That has been my mistake as well on the guy side of it. I act differently in my 1st message, as if trying to make myself more (fill in the blank) than I need to be.

 

Weird guy behavior. Not even I understand what's going on with me temporarily.

[riley123]

Attractive men probably just go for the even hotter women. I have also tried to give the lesser attractive men a chance and really hoped that my feelings would grow but it did not happen.

 

Maybe it is just crap luck or something is really wrong with me, who knows? Possibly it is that I am more relaxed around men I am not attracted to, which is more attractive than my demeanor around attractive men.

 

I disagree with this. Attractive men (like attractive women) will date someone who they are attracted to, and it doesn't have to be the stereotypical "hottie."

 

I think you are putting too much emphasis on looks.

[orchidrose]

"Attractive" is all in the eye of the beholder. I'm not stereotypically attractive, but I've dated guys who turn heads and all of my girlfriends swooned over. Why? Well, I had an attractive personality. But more importantly, they weren't attracted to what most guys are stereotypically attracted to. They didn't want blonde hair, blue eyes, hot body - they wanted kind of nerdy girls.

[riley123]

"Attractive" is all in the eye of the beholder. I'm not stereotypically attractive, but I've dated guys who turn heads and all of my girlfriends swooned over. Why? Well, I had an attractive personality. But more importantly, they weren't attracted to what most guys are stereotypically attracted to. They didn't want blonde hair, blue eyes, hot body - they wanted kind of nerdy girls.

 

Exactly. I agree.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you knew all along that each of these guys were into you, the ex, rock climbing guy, and the shy guy. Their interest in you is not what changed. What changed was the fact that when they felt that another guy was getting more attention from you than they were then they stepped up the contact.

 

These guys wanted to play the game, aka they wanted to compete for your affection. This is not a smart game to play because, it relegates them to putting in time with you in order to further their cause. In other words this means that the OP gets a lot of attention from these guys just because they want to be the guy that she picks.