She seems confused -- going very slow now

[gp913]

(this story has been evolving, so the latest updates can be found later in the thread)

 

Hey everyone,

 

My ex and I have had a somewhat confusing getting back together story... for the whole story, you can look at my past posts... but some quick bullet points:

 

-Together 4 years, lived together for 2.5years.

-Broke up in August, she dumped her rebound for me in October. She wanted to date, but with no titles, etc.

-November said that she might want to date someone else also.

-End of November, I said that I was confused and was feeling stressed, things were said that were misinterpreted and I didn't hear from her for 2 weeks. I said that if she wanted to try dating someone else, then I shouldn't be in the picture and date her at the same time.

-Mid December, we cleared things up. I said that I feel like things are getting better and how we would have a better shot later, if we tried again... but some space is good. She said that she wasn't angry if I felt like I couldn't see her while she was unsure of what she wanted... She said she was angry because with the misinterpretations that happened that one night, it seemed like I didn't care about how she felt and I was being selfish. She said that we should "just be friends, for now"

 

Okay, so when we cleared things up earlier this month... She said that she had felt a little stressed also, but she felt like we were building things towards a relationship. She also told me she had only gone on one date with someone during the month of November. Her saying "just friends for now", could this be her just wanting to be more casual and build things up without any stress? Because I certainly feel way less stressed and feel like we can talk easier now... and I don't always wonder when and if I should talk to her and why she isn't contacting me...

 

I didn't hear from her for a week after that talk -- I went over to her place a week after to pick up my artificial Christmas tree we had been storing at her Mom's. I thought I'd go over there, pick it up, and try not to hang around... but she started offering me something to drink, eat, said her mom could fix us something, we watched a dvd with her mom, etc... I could've stayed there for a while, but it started snowing and I would've been trapped if I didn't leave when I did.

 

What really confused me that night was we hugged, showed affection, but she welcomed it... She also played with the idea of holding my hand, by kind of hitting it, and then I just grabbed it and held it... I did end up kissing her on her forehead during one of the hugs... I didn't expect this at all... I thought that I'd be over there 15 minutes max, not almost 4 hours.

 

Since that night (for the past week), now she's been commenting on my Facebook page daily, having long comment conversations on her page that she keeps going. She mentions on her page in our comments how I've just been over to her apt, doing things together, loads of recent pictures of us together... She makes it very known that she is still talking to me...

 

My therapist and I think she is just really confused. She hasn't outright ever said no to me. She still feels hurt that it took her breaking up with me to actually make some changes in my life... I'm enjoying things a lot more now (would be even more if I had her in my life) and she likes what she is seeing, but I think she is having a hard time getting over that... I'm not sure.

 

I feel much less stressed now... I feel like we could build something up again, but I don't want to push things anymore. That seemed be where I screwed up... I had just stressed out since the situation was so confusing.

 

I told her that I got her and her mom a little present. She said, Aww, that I didn't have to, and she would let me know when I could come by. She said this on Wednesday, but today is Christmas, and she hasn't said anything about WHEN I can come by, although she has mentioned giving me a freezer she said she'd give me and that I better make her one of our fave foods for Christmas, being playful. I won't push anything, but I suppose I'll get her present to her eventually, whenever the next time I see her... She doesn't have much money, so I don't care if I don't get anything and am not expecting it.

 

What does this sound like to you? She isn't one to play games and with what she told me recently about building things again, we talked about marriage not long ago, etc... I still think I'm in a good spot. My therapist said to keep light contact, keep letting her initiate contact and for every few times she contacts me, maybe I can initiate something... said that maybe if I suggested lunch next week, that wouldn't be too much... and that this could take a while... Our problem in October was that we moved too fast, but I don't think she was healed from the breakup... she had her rebound that she was with during August/September, while I had all of this time alone... She knows that I won't and can't be just friends...

[Casanova4life]

Sounds like she is having her cake and eating it too. She is stringing along. That crap she told about one date in a month is all about telling you what u want to hear.

 

As soon she completes her branch swing she will completely cut off contact you . This is textbook stuff.

[Wyssaway]

This girl sounds terrible lol. Im sorry if that sounds mean, but she really doesn't seem ready for a serious relationship. You mentioned how you two had spoken about marriage... that should be the last thing on your mind right now.

[stickman]

These types of people you deal with are the worst.

 

And honestly, you feel only as bad as you allow this person to make you feel. Your heart deserves much better my friend and friends.

 

The bottom line:

 

....you have a lot of history with this person and there is SOME comfort for both of you. But, she wants something different that YOU can't give her. She has to figure that out for herself and won't ever be able to do that with you in the picture. Meaning: WE ALL never know what we had till it is gone.. completely.

 

We value most that which is the most hard to obtain or might never obtain. YOUR value is exactly what YOU are. Your value to HER can be higher only when it is no longer on the open market.

 

For now, you should consider withdrawing from her...work on feeling better about YOU...and let her miss what she once had. When you learn to Love yourself more, it will show to others...

 

In the mean time you might also consider in you head (and on PAPER)....just what you want most from a woman and soon...you will understand that this EX...well...she is NOT it.

[coolchick64]

I think you've been handling everything really well so far. You've been firm and clear about your boundaries, but patient and open-minded. That's tough to do, so you should feel good about it. It's hard to say what she's thinking. I don't buy into the branch-swinging stuff because you guys had a long and serious relationship. Obviously, she had some doubts or issues to resolve that led to the break-up. She's probably still sorting through all of it. She may be trying to decide whether to commit to you fully or play the field instead. If you want to call that stringing you along, I guess it might be. I prefer to think of it like she's confused about what she wants.

 

If I were you, I'd try to talk to her about your relationship before---what was bothering her and what can you do to improve things. I wouldn't dwell on the "dating other guys" stuff. That's just a way of saying she's uncertain about the two of you. If she felt more sure of your relationship, all that other stuff would go out the window.

 

The only other thing you can do is give her lots of space. I agree---you should be moving on in your life, dating if the opportunity comes up, and just trying to focus on your other goals and activities. Whenever she resurfaces, make yourself available and try to cultivate a happy, peaceful relationship with her. It's difficult to be patient in these situations because it's really stressful---not knowing what will happen next, etc.---but that's my advice. Be patient, stay open, and see what happens.

[gp913]

Thanks coolchick64. That's been what I've been trying to do... It's good to hear the same thing from someone else.

 

We've pretty much talked about the relationship a lot, already. We talked about it all when we first reconnected in October -- I asked her if there was anything else I could be working on and she couldn't think of a single thing... She was really happy with everything that I was doing. She came back because she saw that I was actually doing things... she had figured I'd never change and that I'd be better off with a different type of girl (I guess one who would deal with how I was behaving). She's been really happy with everything I've been doing, I just think she is really confused and she is still hurt that I change AFTER she broke up with me. I was blind to all of the red flags before... but looking back, it's so easy to see. A lot of regret was there for me.

 

I guess I'll continue to be patient and just see where it goes... I've been trying to stay away from updating my Facebook page since that type of contact is so small... She'll comment on something or Like something... I actually want a conversation with her...

 

It is difficult to be patient and keep distance... She told me 2 days before Christmas that she'd let me know when I could come by to drop off her present (we're about 5 mins apart)... On Christmas Eve, she made a comment on Facebook about how I should make her one our fave snacks and how she was going to give me a freezer she and her mom were getting rid of... I still have not heard anything and it's the 27th, so that messes with me a bit... but I'm trying to just go on...

[gp913]

Well, here's a motivator to keep my distance... I just saw a comment from the rebound she dumped to get back together with me (late September) on her Facebook... and she replied to it... The way she replied makes me wonder if they've been talking... Although, most likely in the friend zone, this kind of stings. This is the first time I've seen anything between them since... I've never trusted the guy. I still must try to stay logical and not let my emotions get the best of me again... It's so hard...

 

I posted a status update on Facebook and she replied and said she'd let me know soon when I can come by.

 

... What is this? Her replying in a friendly manner to her rebound on Facebook? She told me that he treated her horribly, but they knew eachother longer than we knew eachother, although he would pop in and out from time to time... He's also 10 years older than her, and she was 17 when they met online, so... That sometimes seems weird to me. She's 23 now. I seem to have to expect ANYTHING... This was my first breakup EVER and I have to go through all of this... Atleast I'm learning a lot.

[ghostdog]

OP- how much sex have you guys had since yall've started this little game playing and dancing?

[gp913]

A few times at the beginning in October when we first reconnected, but then we both thought we were moving too fast.

[ghostdog]

reason i say is because IMO when a woman really wants to be with you and has made a decision to be with you...the sex will be forthcoming....

 

if not- unless we are seeing each other and talking to each other most days of the week...i'd be leery if she were getting hers elsewhere...

 

and only keeping me along the back burner

[gp913]

From what she admits on Facebook, she is always bored and she hasn't gone out a lot... It doesn't seem like she is very busy, which confuses me about why she is putting off letting me come by... She said that she'd let me know soon when I can. All I wanted was like 5 mins, but I'm not even sure if I should come by now. It was just a small present, meant for Christmas... Why is she postponing me coming over? Is she trying to figure out what she is doing?

 

It doesn't seem like she is going out a lot, but that doesn't mean she isn't talking to people or people are trying to get her to come out.

 

I don't think she is having sex with anyone... She felt stupid when she went out with the rebound and did things so fast... I forgave her, but she was still upset... It meant so much to me when she cut things off with the rebound, that's why this stings so much... Even though we aren't together and I have no say who she talks to, her talking to this guy is like a slap in the face to me, as I see it. Even if he is just a friend, just like some of her other friends, I know that they are interested in her still... but she never addresses it, keeps them as friends, and keeps going... while they stick around.

 

Am I wrong? She is sometimes too nice and tries to be friends with everyone... This makes it so damn confusing.

[stickman]

RUN...and dont look back.

[coolchick64]

I wouldn't like it either. If she cares about reconciling with you, that's a really stupid thing to be doing. She must know you can see and won't like it. It's also playing with fire, as far as the rebound guy is concerned.

 

I have a lot of male friends, too, and while my ex and I were together the first time, I kept in touch with them openly because I didn't think it was a big deal. I've changed my opinion on that. First off, during the time we broke up (we're together again now), most of my so-called friends hit on me. Second, even if it's strictly platonic, I think these opposite sex friendships are hard on a relationship. As the outsider, you always wonder what's really up for both parties. I think it adds unneeded stress.

 

In your case, it's even worse because they were sleeping together not long ago. I wonder all the time what games my ex's rebound is playing, trying to get him back. If he was friends with her on Facebook, I wouldn't like it one bit. Of course, you said you're not officially back together, but still. It's insensitive on her part.

 

I also can't imagine why scheduling a time for you to drop off a Christmas gift has turned into such an epic project. That's really strange. Sorry to be so negative, but there are some red flags here, definitely.

[gp913]

Thank you for your replies coolchick64.

 

It's the 30th now, and still haven't heard anything about when I could come by. I'm not pushing it and don't really care. I figure she will or will not eventually let me know... I'm doing fine either way. I'm surprised I've grown so much within the past few months. I knew she had a therapist appointment yesterday, which I put a lot of importance on... figuring she was waiting to talk to him about everything. I'm sure she did, but who knows what the result was of that. I'm not sure if she's holding this as a reason to see me and she is waiting until she's made a decision or something. Might as well go, right? But I'll just have to keep my distance.

 

Last night, I posted a status update on Facebook and she replied to it. I then replied to her comment and then later, I returned her poke on Facebook. I don't know why, but I figured I'd rather not have it on my main page. She had just finally returned my poke the other day. (we would do stuff like that) We've only had small contact like this the past week and a half.

 

Well, last night, she posted some lyrics from a love song, that of course anyone would overanalyze (I do it very well) saying something like I hope you're dreaming of me, etc. I don't think too hard on it, but it's strange to me.

 

This morning, I wake up and notice that she's hidden her Relationship Status on Facebook, so now it says nothing at all.

 

She could have done this because she's annoyed with people coming out of nowhere asking her out... possibly the rebound saw that she was still "Single" after many months and resurfaced... or she could have removed it to not hurt me and keep secretive.

 

The old rebound made two more comments on her Wall, one she ignored (he made a weird comment to some lyrics she posted) and the other she was very short with (she'll usually be very friendly).

 

So, yes, many flags. But I have not the slightest actual idea of what is going on. I can only come up with all of these possibilities. I feel like I should write a book or something, because my imagination is going all over the place. Many ideas.

 

I don't know if I should run -- obviously, I have to just keep going with things for myself... but I have no idea what is going on. I don't want to make assumptions... I've already done that and I'm not sure if it helped or hurt (we talked about the relationship finally, again). I was with this girl for 4 years and we lived together most of that time... She was pretty mature during the breakup, but now her actions are just straight up confusing. And it's not my business to go ask why she's acting this way... since we're not together anymore. But huge alarm bells going off in my head.

[gp913]

She finally texted me just now asking if I wanted to come over after a certain time tomorrow. I replied "Sure, that's cool with me" and she replied "Ok, then!" immediately

 

Her "Ok, then!" confused me, I can read into things too much though...

 

Any advice tomorrow? I put time into my gifts since I don't give many out, so I have a gift card, an ornament, and some chocolate in it... This is way less than what I usually got her. I already told her I got something for her... I don't know why it had to take like a week after Christmas to get it to her... Why was she postponing this? After seeming excited, saying we should do this and that for Christmas, etc... I hope she stops this confusion soon.

 

I don't know what to expect tomorrow, she's seemed friendly towards me on Facebook... I've been on a two week break from work and I feel like most of this break, I've been constantly wondering why I couldn't just give her a simple gift actually around Christmas. Also, then I start thinking she is talking to her old rebound again and she hides her Relationship Status on Facebook.

 

I'll keep this thread updated on what happens... But any advice? or ideas on what is going on in her head? I can assume everything, but I don't know a thing that is going on anymore. I'm expecting the worse... but also expecting to come out even more confused (hopefully she doesn't do that to me), just to put my guard up.

[coolchick64]

Be nonchalant and relaxed, keep your expectations low. You'll probably get a better sense of what's going on by talking to her, so focus on that.

 

I was thinking about your situation and it reminded me of a thought I had several months ago---about backburner relationships. A lot of posters seem to think it's horrible when a dumper tries to keep you on the backburner, but there's another way to look at it. You're also keeping her on the backburner. If you keep an open mind, without committing to her in any way, you have that door open without too much cost. You can (and should) be dating other people and living your life as if she's not in it. But by keeping loose contact with her, she's also on your backburner. Isn't it better to keep the possibility open? Try to look at it that way. Just a possibility at this point, but one you'd like to keep alive while you explore your other options.

[gp913]

Thanks coolchick64.

 

Update: I went over there around 4pm today and ended up staying about 5 hours... She, her mom, and I watched a movie and then we all just watched some tv. I also brought a fryer over and we made fried pickles and friend bananas since she was excited about those and I have been learning to cook since we broke up. We talked A LOT about random things, stories, things we've been doing, etc. It was good.

 

I brought up something jokingly that I saw a friend posted on her Facebook, but then it was deleted a few mins later, but I saw it... It was something about a stalker. She laughed about it and thought it was funny that I saw it, because she didn't want the person to see that they were talking about him... Apparently, her old old ex keeps trying to talk to her and get her to do things... She is pretty sure it is just for sex. But she let me know how she wants nothing to do with him. We joked about it a bit. Also, she brought up that the rebound that she broke up with a few months ago, for me again, won't leave her alone. He'll text her in the middle of the night, she won't even respond sometimes and he'll keep texting and writing emails. She told me some of the weird stuff he has said and he is probing to find out what is happening in her love life. She said that she has all of these crazy people around her. I said that I'm crazy too, but she said that I'm good crazy and we joked some more. I liked how she brought these things up with me.

 

That's why she took down her Relationship Status on Facebook... because them not seeing anything, she said that she hopes that they get the hint.

 

I tried my best to be cool and we weren't all touchy feely... it was good. We talked about a lot about different random things (no "us" talk though, obviously). She and her mom got me a little present. She, her mom, and I hugged a lot. I did end up kissing her on the forehead (during hugs) I think twice today and she said "Awww" both times. There was obviously distance, but I felt like us just talking about random stuff was cool.

 

I asked a question if her mom and her ever went to this place with Christmas lights that they were talking about going to (we had all planned to go together about a month ago)... She said she and her mom were possibly going tomorrow... She said she would have to ask her mom if it would be okay if I went aswell or if they were going. She said she'd let me know, so I may see her tomorrow, but will be okay if I don't.

 

So, how did things go? I think they went good... I don't know if she's ready to be in anything yet. I'm in a much better state of mind now... I guess I'll just keep doing whatever and not keep focusing on us getting back together... See what happens... She said "Talk to you later!" at the end of the night and seemed really cheerful.

 

Any opinions on all of this? I thought it went well...

[bish0p2004]

I think you did good, but I would advise against seeing her tomorrow.

 

Be careful though as she might be enjoying all the attention she is getting from you, her ex, and her rebound....there's nothing inherently wrong with that...just recognize it as a possibility.

 

Also, I personality don't like getting "Awws" in situations like this. You don't want to appear too "sweet"...instead, you want her to have this deer-in-the-headlight look whenever you do something romantic.

[gp913]

Very true. I'm sure she has loved the attention from being single, but it sounds and looks like she is getting very annoyed with it now, since people keep weirding her out. Who knows, though, I'm open to any possibility.

 

She just texted me now and said that she isn't feeling well and if I could go tomorrow. I said that that was cool, that I had something to do and we could do it after, and that I hope she feels better.

 

And she would always do "Aww" and light up with a smile... She said that nobody has ever been as sweet to her as I have been... but yeah, my interactions with her will be toned down from now on. And after I see her, I will let her contact me.

 

She posted a status update today saying that she is stressed out and so confused. She's been stressing out trying to find a job and I can only assume why she is confused. Could be good or bad if it's related to me (depending on how she viewed us hanging out last night, if she liked someone else, etc)... Who knows.

[gp913]

Another update:

 

I went over and picked her and her mom up and we went to the place with the lights (went in my car because it was still warm I offered to buy the tickets (since that was the norm everytime we all went out), but her mom bought her (my ex's) ticket. My ex bought my ticket. Her camera died, but I had mine, so she took a lot of pictures with my camera. We all had a really fun time and she said that she was glad that we all went together. She ended up posting like 40 pictures on Facebook and half were of me, me/her, me/her/her mom.

 

I held back being affectionate (it was tough! haha), etc, but we had a lot of fun goofing around. Later on Google Talk, she was on and we talked for a few mins, but I didn't drag it on. She apologized for not inviting me in when I dropped them off, but she said she was tired and wanted some time alone. I said no problem (I hadn't even thought about it).

 

I'm not going to initiate any contact soon, but I was glad that we got to have some fun together. Things don't seem -too- bad anymore... but I know that if I have any chance of reconciling, that it most likely won't be any time soon.

 

I'm keeping the idea of dating other people in my mind, yes, but I'm not ready yet. I'm so much stronger and I feel so much more confident. I'm getting back into old hobbies and discovering new hobbies. I'm happy with how myself is turning out, also.

 

Thoughts?

[gp913]

Update:

 

I got on and checked my email not long ago and saw that she sent me an email... it was her telling me that she won't get her first paycheck until the end of February and she can start slowly paying me back then, etc. (she owes me a lot of money I loaned her) I replied like an hour later and kept it short (I wanted to start a convo so bad) and said that's no problem, thanks for letting me know, and telling her congrats since I hadn't done so since she officially got the new job. She just replied as I was writing this that she hasn't talked about the job much to many people and she's been kind of depressed, but is feeling better now.

 

She then wrote: "I'll call you, and we can go to lunch or something soon

 

I've been always wanting for her to suggest doing something.

 

The only contact we have had the past month (besides seeing eachother 4 times) is through Facebook comments, "Likes" on status updates (and links), and Pokes on Facebook. She is the one who always initiates it and has posted stuff on my Wall. I hold back being active on her wall, except when she's done a lot of initiating. I'm not that active on Facebook to begin with -- she is always on.

 

Anyways, anyone have an takes on this? Advice? Going to just be myself with no expectations at all.

 

Also, she still has my apartment key that I gave back to her in October when we first started trying things again... I know her and if she isn't still confused, she would return it.

 

(my thread may be getting too long?)

 

Quick edit update She called me after this post and we talked for 3 hours on the phone and 1 hour online afterwards... She asked me if I wanted to go to a concert with her 3 months from now. I mentioned another concert of her fave band that happens in a month. She said she'd call me to let me know on Tuesday when we can maybe go grab some dinner and go see a movie that we wanted to see... So, I don't know... She mentioned things like there's nobody she'd rather talk to than me, etc. It seems like she misses seeing and talking to me, although she didn't say it. She talks a lot when she is nervous and she was talking a lot last night. It was nice.

 

She kept mentioning how she wanted to be single until she graduates... I think she wants to try being independent and focus on school. She doesn't graduate til the end of the year... She did say that dating is okay. I feel more confident with her, but I don't know... She did recently say she felt like we were rebuilding towards a relationship... so if we truly rebuild our connection, she may want to become more committed... I guess just see where this goes with no pressure... She may of just not wanted me to feel like I definitely have her. She may want me to put some effort into starting things over truly and building things up again, as if we just met?