Stupid, stupid, stupid.....

[debisfun]

Darn cell phone. I had deleted his numbers so i wouldn't have to see them everyday.

 

And wouldn't you know it...almost 1 month to the day after he broke up with me, almost 3 weeks of no contact....he called.

 

Funny story though, I was in my car and honestly was not expecting him to call and I answered the phone w/o looking at the number. He said "hello", and I said "Hello?" (not recognizing his voice). He said "Hello!" again, and I said "Hello????this is deborah..."

 

He said "I can't believe you have forgotten me already." Ha!

 

Anyway, he rambled on a bit about what he had been doing, stuff about his daughter's, etc. I cut him off short and asked him why he was calling. He said that he missed me and wanted me to know that he was thinking of me. He said that it's been hard these past few weeks, but it has been good for him.

 

We talked a bit more, I told him that I was working on myself and that even though I had fantasies of him showing up at my door with a big ring, (he interrupted at that point and said he had been thinking about that too), I said "BUT----I know it's not healthy and I can't let you do that".

 

I told him that I'm coming to grips with the fact that I am a flawed person and that it's okay. I don't have to try to be perfect for him and that I refuse to think that "maybe if I did this...or maybe if I didn't do that", then things would have been better. Note that I'm not I'm saying we never should stop trying to improve ourselves, it's just that I am going to accept me for me. I told him that I pray that he gets the help he needs to learn to love and accept, because I'm the best thing that could ever happen to him, and that if he couldn't decide to marry me, then he would be alone for the rest of his life. He pretty much agreed.

 

He said some other stuff about wanting to go on a bike ride with me this weekend. I told him I was busy. He said "well, maybe next weekend, I don't know". I told him "We'll see, I've been pretty busy and I'm not going to rearrange my schedule for him." He sounded a bit shocked, but said "fair enough".

 

He said that "If we get back together, it would be for the last time. We would either get married, or break up for good". I told him that wasn't good enough for me, and that I couldn't go through this again. I was never going to break up with him again, and that I was going to do everything I could do to protect myself. I was NOT going to let myself get this hurt again.

 

Today when i got to work, he was logged onto AOL (he NEVER uses AOL). It's like he was trying to make himself visible to me. I blocked him.

 

Now I'm more confused than ever. I really want him. Why? Why? Why? I really want to be over him as well.

 

In a weird way, I feel like I have some control of the situation now. I let him know that I wasn't staying at home feeling sorry for myself, and that I wasn't waiting around for him to call. I let him know that I was taking care of myself and that I was doing everything in my power to put my life back together again.

 

I love him, but I love myself more.

[ch_nkmel]

i hope you keep things up. that takes alot of strenght and i admire that. it's not so easy for others (such as myself) but... now that he knows it's hard to get you, he might try hard... ppl always want what they can't have. i have to start saying that... i love myself more than any1 else. that's good stuff.

[tiger_lilies]

Yeah!!!! Good for you Debrisfun! You got the call we all wait for. And you were brave and confident. That's awsome news. Now what do you do? Well, I would suggest taking things real slow. You will have to decide on what to do by his actions. I hope he's smart enough to realize that you are the best thing to happen to him. Be stong Deborah, you give me hope.

[princesa]

Hi Deborah,

 

Sounds really cool, I especially liked the bit

Note that I'm not I'm saying we never should stop trying to improve ourselves, it's just that I am going to accept me for me. I told him that I pray that he gets the help he needs to learn to love and accept, because I'm the best thing that could ever happen to him

I just posted another reply elsewhere wishing I could accept myself as I am, because even like this I really think I'm the best thing that could ever happen to this person who (sort of) dumped me. If he can't see it, too bad.

You sound so strong! I'm happy for you, because inner strength is the only way through pain.

take care, princesa

[just jeff]

Deborah...... brovo!! I admire your strentgh and will... you're 100% right... best wishs...

 

Jeff

[kungfumaster]

Debisfun,

 

More like "strong, strong, strong!" - I agree with everyone on this post. Wow. That's all I can say.

 

Good luck.

Kung fu

[lisaria]

WOW DEB!!!

I am so proud of you!!!! I think you handled that so well and that you've certainly got his attention. He will either decide it's not worth it or he will be so intrigued and worried that you are moving on that you will not be able to get rid of him.

Like tiger_lillies said, we all wait and wish for that phone call like the one you got. I just hope I will be as cool as you were if it ever comes for me. You did good. "hugs"

Lisa

[debisfun]

I feel like such an imposter.

 

If only I really felt as strong as I appear. I'm not. I still wish and hope that he'll change. But deep down, I know that he has issues that I can't fix, and that if we DID get back together, it would be disasterous for me.

 

The only way for me to REALLY heal is to accept that this relationship is over, and I'm struggling with that thought. I still dream about how wonderful out life would be together -- IF ONLY. Classic thoughts of a "Women Who Loves Too Much".

 

NO CONTACT is for me to heal. Period. Keeping thoughts alive of "maybe???" will not allow me (or you) to move on and become healthy.

 

It's amazing how rejection can slam your self-esteem. Before I started dating my ex, I felt like I could do anything, and anything was possible. I know I'm still the same person and I will get that back. Only then will I be attractive to another HEALTHY person.

 

We can all get through this.

[lisaria]

Hey Deb,

I think you are much stronger than you think you are. Just by your actions you've proven how more together you are than you give yourself credit for. I'm very proud of you.

I was like you before my ex and I got together. I had it all together. I was free, independent, looking good, capable, strong, and so much better off. I will....WE will be there again.

I have my fantasies of how things should have been and the reality just sucks. I don't know what to do with these dreams I had that still make me want him. I had made alot of progress that seems to have been thrown out the window this week, but I'll be there again. You sound like you are already halfway there deb and I admire you for that. It is and was so hard but you are coming through it with flying colors. Keep it up.

Lisa