Question about the negative effects of trying to reconcile..

[Brandell]

Hi Guys,

 

When should you give up on a relationship? When two people break up is it not better to think of it as over and try to get on with your life rather than hanging on to hope like "no contact" or offering friendship or other things.

 

I have read alot of posts from people who are desperate to get back with their ex. (me included, I posted a message a couple of days ago about trying to get back with a girl who I love but has basically put me through an emotional rollercoaster ride of "I want you/Don't want you" etc.)

 

It seems to me the whole idea of this forum is to give heart broken people some hope of getting back with someone who, whatever the reason, has decided they DO NOT want to be with you.

 

Is it not dangerous to cultivate hope and prevent healing by formulating strategies to get them back.

 

Is it not better just to let the relationship go and try to heal? After all if it is meant to be somehow it may rekindle in the future but the point is not to let yourself HOPE for reconciliation as you may be doomed to months or even years of yearning for something which may not be reconciled.

 

For example. The 'no contact' rule sounds fine on the surface and I have read people saying it also prepares you to recover from a relationship if the other person does NOT eventually contact you but to me mind it just keeps hope alive in your heart as in "I will not contact them and that way if they miss me they will call and if they don't at least sufficient time will have passed for me to have healed" but what you are REALLY thinking is "I hope they will call me no matter how much time has passed".

 

Any thoughts?

[curbie]

Is it not dangerous to cultivate hope and prevent healing by formulating strategies to get them back.

 

Yes, I believe that it is dangerous to a certain degree. The NC rule comes in handy, b/c it does prepare yourself and the other person. It is one of the hardest steps in recovery, but it is something you need to do. If you hang onto hope for a long time, and he or she tells you that it is indefinitely over, you're probably going to think suicide or something along those lines. Because you've given up your hopes and dreams and then you're going to feel like you have nothing left. I know it fees like we have nothing left when we do lose a loved one, but you know what I mean. I am on depression medication - Wellbutrin XL. 300mg once daily. It REALLY works. Better than Zoloft ever did. I plan on working out next month and keep working out/getting tan and looking after myself. I'm going to invest some serious time into myself and look very much forward to it. Just some insight and my two cents....

[buffalosoldier]

I know what you mean Brandell.

 

The thing is, i think everyone has there own way of dealing with things- and i think the no contact rule is sort of a way of giving yourself a goal to work towards. That goal is not necessairly to get back with the person who has dumped you (although i understand and agree that this is what alot of people have in mind) but for them to think of the goal as healing.i think the no contact rule sort of shows some people that there is light at the end of the tunnel- maybe it should not so much be viewed as a process,rather just something you do because,well,its probably the best thing to do in most instances.Do you know what i mean? Yes,it gives some people hope that they may get their ex back (which isnt always the best thing mind you) but also that even if they dont then by the end of it they will have grown and changed so much so that they will have forgotten about their ex anyway. ''Out of sight,out of mind''.

 

But on the whole, i do agree with most of what you say, and totally understand where you are coming from. People just have to deal with things the way they see fit at the time.There is only so much advice you can offer someone, because in the end they will folllow their own path anyway. But we all learn in the end dont we? and sometimes the best lessons learned in life are the ones that have caused us the most pain. Thats what i think anyway.

 

Hope i helped, it will be interesting to see what others say.

 

Buffalo

[Hopingpraying]

Brandell,

 

I hear what your saying, but for my personal situation I don't see it as a setback, or holding me back to hold out hope that my wife comes back to me. I am not putting my life on hold in the hopes that she does that, I just don't feel that having hope in and of itself is holding me back. It will be three months since she moved out on May 14th, I have made great strides in healing myself and fixing me. I have been to counseling, working out, going to school, trying to be the best father and husband I can be and should of been all along. So its not all a bad situation. If anything this has shaken me enough to wake me up at this fat, dumb, and happy stage I was in.

I cannot say the no-contact rule is for everyone, but whether your holding out hope you can get back together or not, I don't see the difference. No-Contact is your only option unless you are just dileberately trying to frustrate your EX.

 

I think it is all in how you play it out in your head. No-contact is the best way to let the relationship go, but it also seems to be the only way to try to get it back together as well. If that makes sense????? :shocked!:

[healing]

I did 'no contact' to heal when a relationship ended.

I am still doing 'no contact' because I think that it is what is best for me.

The relationship wasn't healthy, the friendship wasn't healthy, we just are not compatible, even as friends.

 

I think that doing 'no contact' in hopes someone will call is game playing and not honest at all. I think that if someone has thought about it, and truly wants to get back with his ex, he should contact the person and say so. If she says 'no', then it is time to move on. This is when 'no contact' should be used, in order to heal and get over it.

 

Brandell, from what you describe, I think that 'no contact' will help you to let go and heal. The emotional rollercoaster is damaging, and it is perhaps time to get off the ride all together. She sounds messed up, she doesn't seem to know what she wants. You are better off without these mixed messages!

 

I agree that if a relationship is meant to be, and the two people are compatible, it will happen at the right time. Timing is really important!

 

Good luck!

[caveat]

Timing can be everything. If you love one another, but are at different stages of life (or at least there is a perception of such by one of you) I strongly believe that the person who feels compelled to do their own thing needs to be given that space/time to figure out what he/she wants. Sucks to be the one who is left holding the bag, but I can tell you that having that space and time provides for some pretty amazing insight and introspection. Painful, yes, but also very cleansing.

 

For me NC (and I adopted it before I knew there was actually a rule!) was in some ways a defense mechanism, but it was also a way to find resolution for both of us as quickly as possible. Once she had her heels dug in I knew that trying to force her to see she was making a mistake was futile. She needed her space and I needed to move on. NC thereforeeee made sense and though the first month (its been about 2 1/2) was unbelievably hard, its getting much better and I'm seeing things very clearly now. I don't think you can use NC as a 'strategy' to win her back without making yourself sick with loss. I think you use it as a strategy to move on, as hard as it may be.

[healing]

The first month is very hard. Actually, I think the first 60 days were teh worst for me - and then things really started to get better. I think that 'no contact' is a great way to get clarity and to see the relationship more objectively.

[ravens_folly]

I agree that NC is a way to get over them, and to get them back.

 

I don't think it brings false hope if you are rational enough to know that there may be a chance. If the person you know, told you that they don't want you and wanted to cut all ties with you and told you that directly and meant it. Or if the person was abusive, or really not good to you or to themselves, then pursuring them after this would be foolish and detrimental. You need to know if in your situation it is worth it.

 

I know in my situation there is a chance to get back together. I also feel that my ex is a very good person, especially since his intial reason was that he didn't feel he had enough time to give me. He was being very unselfish and trying to do the best for me. I don't feel he wanted to give me up but felt as if I was unhappy and thereforeeee that was making him unhappy. If I had of know about this site the day we broke up in the first place I probably wouldn't have made such a big mess out of it all, since I got more angry and upset with him when he did it. and I would probably not be this set back....

 

Good things have come from this breakup, I have learned so much about me and the way I was acting. I can take the time now to improve me and learn from my mistakes so I don't make them again. With my ex, or with anyone else.

 

I am using this NC to give me time to think about things and clear my mind. It will help my ex clear his mind and think about things. As you know, Absense makes the heart grow fonder.... so if you were significant, then they will truly see how much they really do miss you.

 

I am pretty sure he does miss me, but unfortunately I know he is the kind of person that won't act for fear of rejection, or for other reasons, especially since I did not make it clear in my last contact with him that I did want him back. I told him I thought he had made the right decision in breaking it off, which I feel he did. I didn't want to ask him at that time because I felt it wasn't right and it would be pressuring him.

 

I am not really sure what my next course of action will be.

I have been contemplating when I should get in contact with him. I feel that I should wait until I am confident in my actions and what I should do. However I do not know if I should play the friend, and just be there and call him once in awhile to rebuild a friendship.... which could only lead me to disappointment again if he truly does not want to get back together, OR

Should I contact him when I am ready, ask for time to talk and discuss what happened and make my intentions clear, without actually saying I want back with you right now.. but more saying this is what I feel, and my reasons and let me know where you stand so I know. You know ask if i am wasting my time so i can move on with my life.

 

 

I feel there are very good reasons to get back with an ex, provided it is someone you once shared a true love-bond with and they are a good person.

 

1: If you shared a love-bond, then there was obviously love there and it is likely you can love each other again.

 

2: If you don't learn to make a relationship work this time around, then when?? It is a good opportunity to learn and grow.

 

3: There is no guarantee that the next relationship will work out either, but at least you know that with this person you did make it work for so long and it is possible to continue if each wants, and each puts an active effort to learn what went wrong and learn from it.

 

 

Anyone else have any reasons??