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matador1972

By matador1972
in Getting Back Together

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matador1972 Contributor

matador1972

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I'm glad you have this mind sight Matador.

 

I just talked to my ex and I think it finally hit me that it's over forever... I'm glad someone can have a happy ending.

 

Im really sorry to hear that, that sucks.

 

To be honest i think she was having a terrible day yesterday, i called her on her internet dating thing and things went from bad to worse, she isnt seeing anyone from it (i know she cant be as she hasnt had a free day for the past few weeks cos she has been seeing me a lot). But its like i say, her actions are showing one thing and her mouth is saying another, i actually thought on the phone this morning we might end up getting back together there and then, she just seems to compose herself and tell herself she's doing this for some particular reason.

 

Anyway, I told her at lunch that im happy with what we have just now, spending time together and seeing what happens, so the ball is entirely in her court.

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LoveSoDeep Experienced

LoveSoDeep

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Well, I guess just see how xmas goes, after not initially having any plans to do anything today together, we ended up talking on the phone for an hour at 5am, then going to a gym class together at 9.30, then going out for lunch and a walk around the shops at 2.30.

 

You can see why its confusing, her mouth is saying she wants time and space, but her actions are saying she wants to spend time with me and is having a great time while we are together.

 

Oh, and we are back to goodbye kisses today again, funny old 24 hours!

 

Yay! I'm so happy for you matador! This is really good news.

 

I remind myself all the time that actions speak louder than words and I think you just proved it....especially in your case. She's spending way too much time with you to really want just friends....but she's still confused and a little scared so no wonder her head and her mouth are saying she just wants to be friends. Keep up the good work being that guy she fell in love with and I think eventually her mouth and her heart will sync up.

 

Have fun on you day together tomorrow!

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matador1972 Contributor

matador1972

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So back from the trip, we had a good time, a good laugh, she confirms that all she wants just now is friendship and I said for the time being im happy with friendship knowing that we still have something between us.

 

Im at a bit of a loss on what to do, after xmas I think ill have to go no contact because if she starts seeing anyone from her internet dating, it will kill me, yet at the same time, I know she probably has to do a bit more dating to realise what she had and could have.

 

Its a sticky old mess ive got myself into, Ive let myself fall pretty hard again for her and undone a good few months work, but if i wasnt so convinced that she is right for me, id walk away.

 

Hows this for conflicting viewpoints, she says im her best friend but she "dosent know that she's not toxic for me".

 

Women!

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LoveSoDeep Experienced

LoveSoDeep

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Hows this for conflicting viewpoints, she says im her best friend but she "dosent know that she's not toxic for me".

 

Women!

 

Well, I'm glad the trip went well...and that you are happy where things are (wherever that is).

 

If it makes you feel any better...it's not just women. My ex says basically the same thing and he's a man! He says I'm his best friend and he needs me in his life... he can't stand to think about me with another man but he knows getting back with me is a big committment and that really scares him. He's really confused and doesn't have a clue what he wants yet.

 

Men!

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LoveSoDeep Experienced

LoveSoDeep

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Well, im not really happy, id be happy enough if she wasnt going to be dating, if all it is is casual dating i can handle that, if she gets in a relationship with someone though, its over for me.

 

Yes. This is true. It's really hard to see your ex dating....my ex was dating (and more than casually probably) another woman after we split...and while I knew it was going on he never talked about it with me. If I had seen more of it than I did I don't know if I could have stuck around. I knew we were just friends and we were working on being friends but knowing she was in the picture was really hard. By the time he fianlly admitted to me that he was "dating her" he was ready to dump her. Now he wants to be friends with her...I don't know how either of us can handle any of this...and if you asked me if I would have considered this months ago I would have said no way....but somehow I think we both feel we just need to work through all this. I guess my point is don't say things like "if she does this it's over for me"...b/c you just never know what's is going to happen.

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matador1972 Contributor

matador1972

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I never slept all night, stupidly looked at her friends list on facebook and saw she has a new guy there, we have xmas together, ill get through that and reassess, but ive stupidly let myself fall for her again really hard, im getting so many mixed signals that its driving me nuts.

 

After xmas im going to go no contact again and im going to stop contacting her in the meantime, i think i need to become very aloof.

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j_cali_man Newbie

j_cali_man

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Hey Matador,

 

Wow man! Have read all of your posts and kept up to speed on your journey. It may just be me but it seems like things started off (as far as the reconciliation) as a courtship. Courtship is good. Reading further, it seems like things have fast tracked from a courtship to nearly a full blown relationship. From the things she is saying to you, it seems maybe too fast?

 

The trick (from reading hundreds of other posts and several excellent books) seems to be creating a bit of mystery and anticipation. Being a little less available (not aloof, just have a lot going on) may help that. She seems to have gotten a bit of cold feet because things rapidly became too familiar.

 

Not a chance to really re-explore getting to know each other. Instead, its you guys together doing this and that which initially is fun but then can get very scary. Underlying emotions create the comfort but at the same time can create fears of history repeating itself.

 

Any type of pressure and people will naturally resist. It may be indirect pressure to her for you guys to constantly be hanging out and doing stuff so soon. Even when she suggests meeting (or texts you at 5am) ease up a bit. Let her wonder where you are or when you'll be free to meet up again. Some space (not NC, just some space) may eliminate this yo-yo effect she is having right now.

 

Major red flags and caution lights flashing with her dating instead of focusing on a full reconcile. You two don't seem to be on the same page. She knows your desire to have another go at things and in the face of that, lets you know she is still fishing. She is seeing just how much she can get away with. Again, I think taking yourself away and going back into a LC situation will allow you to sort out your next move and for her to decide if she is serious about moving forward or is just comfortable with something and someone who is familiar and safe.

 

You giving up is totally your right. However, is it true love and patience that is guiding you or just frustration of things not going exactly how you hoped they would be? I think again LC, setting boundaries on intimacy (if she is going to still date), and some reflection could so wonders.

 

Sigh...sticky situation you're in. Thoughts?

 

Just my 2 cents..

 

J

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matador1972 Contributor

matador1972

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Well thats sort of what im planning, i dont know how focussed she is on actually dating, she told me in the early morning phone call she dosent even really want to date, but then proceeds to use the dating site.

 

Im not going to call her today, we are supposed to be going to the movies tomorrow night, then she is staying over xmas eve, after xmas we dont have any plans until february, so ill just drop into LC and respond when she contacts me if she does.

 

In all this though, we are best friends, we have an extremely deep bond and we love spending time with each other which makes it all the harder, she says if she feels pressure she backs away, so ill remove the pressure.

 

Thanks for the advice, was good

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LoveSoDeep Experienced

LoveSoDeep

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Hi matador!

 

I agree I think being a little less available is a good idea. And I think you should believe her when she says she doesn't even really want to date. I'm up on a dationg site too...and I even answer the occasional e-mail just in case...I want to be oopen for something new if it happened to come along...but I really don't want to date.

 

Why is this so complicated? Probably b/c we make it this way

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matador1972 Contributor

matador1972

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Hi matador!

 

I agree I think being a little less available is a good idea. And I think you should believe her when she says she doesn't even really want to date. I'm up on a dationg site too...and I even answer the occasional e-mail just in case...I want to be oopen for something new if it happened to come along...but I really don't want to date.

 

Why is this so complicated? Probably b/c we make it this way

 

I think the thing is, with some of us, we know our ex's are in reach, and its just trying to find that magic combination to unlock their hearts, it happened before, i know im nearly there, but rather than a push i need to go the other way.

 

I think i put my foot in it on the saturday morning call, i think i could have had her back there and then if i hadnt started talking, me and my big mouth!

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fawndango Apprentice

fawndango

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Matador,

 

you two are such a cute couple. I wouldn't be too worried if I were you, she just came out of a long marriage, and you both have been together since she was twenty one. I seriously doubt that any man will readily come along that can replace what you both had together (even the bad) and you are the father of her children. So give her some rope and let her date. After divorce/separation, the thrill of freedom sometimes is not so appealing after a while, when you realize that what you want...you had all along.

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matador1972 Contributor

matador1972

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Matador,

 

you two are such a cute couple. I wouldn't be too worried if I were you, she just came out of a long marriage, and you both have been together since she was twenty one. I seriously doubt that any man will readily come along that can replace what you both had together (even the bad) and you are the father of her children. So give her some rope and let her date. After divorce/separation, the thrill of freedom sometimes is not so appealing after a while, when you realize that what you want...you had all along.

 

Thanks for this, but it is so hard knowing she is browsing for guys on the internet, whatever her intentions, I know if i force the issue i will push her away, so i cannot do that, i also know from dating myself that i dont want anyone but her so she probably needs to date to do the same thing.

 

Catch 22 situation.

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matador1972 Contributor

matador1972

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I hope your day gets better Matador. I know it can be hard....

 

Its not, im sort of rock bottom today. I let her back in, she showed interest, then she shut the door, its like being dumped all over again, i really think i need to move on and try and forget about winning her back for a while.

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OptomisticGirl Mentor

OptomisticGirl

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You might need to Matador.

 

Just because you decide to let go and move on, doesn't mean you are giving up completely darling. If she wants you back she knows where to find you. Even though I have tech. given up all hope of my ex coming back even though he himself said he couldn't say we would never get back together, I will always have that door cracked. At least for the time being.

 

There is no shame in realizing that you don't want to hurt anymore. I'm sure she knows you love her.

 

Keep us posted!

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matador1972 Contributor

matador1972

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You might need to Matador.

 

Just because you decide to let go and move on, doesn't mean you are giving up completely darling. If she wants you back she knows where to find you. Even though I have tech. given up all hope of my ex coming back even though he himself said he couldn't say we would never get back together, I will always have that door cracked. At least for the time being.

 

There is no shame in realizing that you don't want to hurt anymore. I'm sure she knows you love her.

 

Keep us posted!

 

Had a little cry this morning, first time in about a month, so im feeling a bit better, the funny thing, nothing really has changed, im just frustrated and xmas dosent help. Ill see how things go tonight and tomorrow but i have no plans to try anything, just have a good time with her and hopefully a night in her old house and her old bed will bring her a bit closer again.

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matador1972 Contributor

matador1972

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Ended up telling her i was giving her till valentines to decide what she wanted, ended in a huge argument.

 

Today was okay, she left for work a few hours ago, there was definetely something going on a few weeks ago, but i think it was too soon.

 

Im going no contact now (or as best as I can with two kids), i feel terrible today, but im going to gather my self respect and not make her make me feel like this anymore, im sick of being used.

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