gp913 Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 We've been "just dating" for the past 2 months after 2 months apart... and I may have just ended things myself... but I had to lookout for myself too... I love her so much, though. So my situation so far - Breakup after 4 years together (she had been upset that I hadn't proposed to her a few months before we broke up), lived together, and she broke up with me mid-August. - We had some contact (few emails), but that was it. I later wrote her a letter at the end of September to say I was moving on, etc. At the end, I mentioned something we needed talk about later (money), but it could wait. - She texted me a week later at the beginning of October to see if we could talk about whatever I mentioned that we needed to talk about, so we met up for lunch, and said it was the money, which wasn't a big issue... We talked, cleared things up, and reconnected. Said we'd give it another go. - She broke up with her rebound guy immediately. - We moved too fast, she felt confused, and she disappeared for a week... me thinking she regretted her quick decision to end things with the guy... but I'm sure she definitely ended things when she came back... - We saw eachother constantly until the beginning of November when I noticed her old ex talking to her more on Facebook (and texts) and this new guy who works at the library that she's constantly studying at (A LOT of interaction Facebook, for someone she didn't know until this month). The old ex is no longer an issue since she told me he is a creep. - She dropped the bomb on me in early November that she might also want to date someone else too, but wasn't sure, and that she really hoped that I could be patient for her... but could understand if I wasn't... And that brings us to now... It's been about 3 weeks since she told me that she wanted to date someone else also... I've been getting mixed signals from her on and off. A lot of people told me to not put up with that and leave... but I stuck around... I gave it time. I could have all the patience in the world for her, but I feel I should only have so much if she wants to try things with someone else also... why should I have to witness that if it ramps up? How do we really focus on eachother with that going on? She told me that she wanted no commitments now and wanted to try being independent. Last night, I made her dinner (we made sushi together, our favorite... I had just learned)... and then had a movie night (3 movies)... It was a really awesome night... but I knew I had to tell her how stressed I have been in the past week... It's hard watching the person you love interact with some other guy, while I feel like I'm just there... Anyways, she slept over and we went right to bed... I didn't know if I should tell her in the morning while we were in bed or what... I didn't know when I'd see her again, to be honest... I had to tell her how crazy I've been the past week. My therapist finally suggested the same. We'll cuddle, kiss, hold hands, hold eachother, all that... but we'll make out for a few seconds and then she sometimes kind of pulls away after a few and turns it into a hug. We woke up this morning and she laid her head on my chest... she asked why my heart was beating so fast... and then I told her. I told her that I was stressed and confused about things. I feel as though I'm in limbo here and I'm having a hardtime understanding what is going on with things. I told her that I didn't want to feel as though I were a backup plan and that perhaps we should take a break. She said that she was still unsure about how she felt for me, whether it was only as a friend, and that she still feels hurt by me... She then said that maybe we should just be friends afterall. I told her that I didn't want to be just friends and she asked me what I wanted from her? She felt like I was attacking her or trying to pressure her on the spot to just get back together. She confused me when she said something like "You had your chance" when she was talking about dating someone else also... Thinking about it now, I'm not sure if she's meant recently or if while we were in the 4 year relationship. I was wondering if she said this like, "now I have to give someone else a shot"... or something... I don't really know... She was really upset and angry that I brought this up just now and on Thanksgiving. Also, she said she was really confused since last night was so great and I seemed fine. She got really upset and said that she would talk to me later, wished me a Happy Thanksgiving, and walked out the door. I can still tell she's upset by something she posted on Facebook, but I just had to tell her. I feel so relieved just getting it out there... One of our problems in the relationship wasn't being open enough when conflict arose... and I had told her a while ago that I would change that. I hope that this will make her think on things, but I could very well lose her... I had to take some sort of stand. She was offended by the comment of me bringing up the possibility of becoming a backup plan, but I tried to clarify it, but I think she was just too upset. Anyways, I don't know what this means for us... but I couldn't do this while being so confused and witnessing interaction on Facebook with this guy... I was driving myself crazy... even though we were seeing eachother and doing couply things. I just felt like I was in complete limbo. I felt like she had a crush on this guy and didn't really know what I was to her... I didn't know where things would end up, or if I was comfort while she tried things out with this new guy. I hope that she will want to talk about this maybe soon. What we have when we're together is worth it. We both have said that we have an amazing connection and we can talk about anything with eachother. Her mom also loves me. I just wish that there was none of this confusion. Did I do the right thing here? Will this make her think? Do I have a shot? Or did I just help the other guy out? (I'm not even sure if it's him she's dating or really if she's dating anyone, all I've seen is that they're talking all the time) Link to comment
hypatia Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 I think you've been in a stressful ambiguous situation. *IF*she was seeing others and wanted to date around while she decided if things were going to keep moving forward toward a reconciliation with you, then you did the right thing. Most people would draw the line at being patient with an ex and going slow, if that ex wanted to continue to see others. It shows self-respect, and that you have normal boundaries. But you say you don't know if she is seeing someone, but have some suspicions she is still scouting around to see what is out there. This is what you need to have a discussion about. Tell her that you'll understand if that's what she still needs to do, and if she says that she does want to date around a little given that you and her are not committed, then tell her that you then have to step out. I think you can be committed to working on a reconciliation without being in a full-blown relationship. But in a reconciliation you have two people coming back together where there is emotional baggage, broken trust, etc., and so both people should be working a little to make the other feel safe. Her dating others would undermine the reconcilation process. So if that's what she is doing, yes, I would step out as you did. But talk first about what is really going on with her. Link to comment
gp913 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Share Posted November 27, 2009 Anybody? Should I just wait until (if) she contacts me? Or should I send her an email clarifying everything so it is crystal clear? Sorry it's a long post...Cliff Notes My ex have been dating for the past 2 months, she said that she wanted to date someone else also. I went a long with it for a few weeks, but I feel so stressed and pressured that I had a talk with her and suggested a break. She still feels hurt by me and isn't sure yet if I am only a friend or not... yet we've been doing coupley things whenever we're together. The night before Thanksgiving, we spent an amazing night together, dinner, movies, etc. I had to tell her how I was feeling, though... I love the time we spend together, but the time apart I have to spend worrying about other guys while we are supposed to be dating also, is overwhelming now. She got upset with me when I told her and I think she misinterpreted everything I told her about. I was just saying that I can't be there while she dates another guy. She thought that I was attacking her and pressuring her into just getting back together with me. Link to comment
hypatia Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 Sure, I would send an email or have a conversation with her to clarify things. Tell her that you're not trying to pressure her into getting back together immediately, that you are happy to take it slow, but that *you know yourself* and you can't devote time and energy toward rebuilding while she is dating someone else. Be supportive in telling her that if that's what she needs to do right now, then she should do it. But, tell her you're not the kind of guy who shares nicely with others Be strong, make it about your boundaries, tell her what you want and what you are willing to do, and also what you won't do. Then leave the decision up to her. Link to comment
gp913 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Share Posted November 27, 2009 Thank you so much hypatia. Your posts really helped me a lot. I'm going to send her an email clarifying things and saying that I'm supportive of her wanting to date someone else, but I need to step out while she does so... I also mentioned that I won't do this and that I won't only be a friend. I also clarified a comment I made about how I don't want to become a "back-up plan"... I probably shouldn't have said that, but I did. She was hurt that I would even say something like that... Because I know she wouldn't do that, but I'm just going to clarify that I didn't want to feel as though I would become one if I stayed in the picture. Yeah, I should have drawn the line when she told me... but I didn't... We had 3 big dates planned for the next week and I just kept going... then thought those dates went well and kept going... I think that we have a great time when we're together, but she told me yesterday she is still unsure of how she sees me and still feels hurt by me. The times in between these great dates and when we talk are horrible -- I'm so confused and always wondering what's going on. At the end of the email, I'm saying how I hope that maybe we can meet up and talk about this, but I say that I want her to be happy with whatever she decides to do... Link to comment
gp913 Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 I sent the email a few hours ago, but now I feel like crap. This reminds me of when we broke up... The last time I saw her before I brought up how I was feeling, everything was so amazing, we were cuddling in bed... and then everything changed... I don't know if she is angry, upset, or what with me... She was confused at why I was bringing all of this up now. I just can't focus on things if I know or believe she is dating someone else. When I brought it up, she said that she told me that I didn't have to wait... Anyways, this email was supposed to let her know that I have no bad intentions in any of this. I don't know if she's received my email yet, but her Facebook status message changed to "I must go on standing. You can't break that which isn't yours" ... Is this directed to me? Ugh, now I'm reading into everything again. I still stand by that I needed to do this... I was driving myself crazy. She said that she wanted to date someone else also, and even if I don't know the details, the fact that I had this on my mind constantly wasn't healthy... Maybe she was trying to make me jealous, I don't know... I am just so confused! I feel like crap now. Link to comment
gsxr104 Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 This boy/girl stuff really messes us up sometimes, doesn't it? Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Hey, sorry to hear what you're going through. I can only second Hypatia's advice. Try to focus on getting your facts straight before you make any big decisions. Facebook is not a reliable source of information . . . Link to comment
gp913 Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 Haha, yes, it really does. Wish it could be much easier! I did this so that I wouldn't stress out as much, but that only lasted so long. Link to comment
gp913 Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 Hey, sorry to hear what you're going through. I can only second Hypatia's advice. Try to focus on getting your facts straight before you make any big decisions. Facebook is not a reliable source of information . . . I probably took the wrong approach on this initially... I should have asked her what was going on before going into how stressed and confused I was... I'm a pretty big mess now. I just hope that she will contact me soon. She said that she'd talk to me later when I last saw her that morning. There were a lot of misunderstandings that morning. Everything I was saying, she thought that I was attacking her or she thought that I was bringing up stuff we already discussed... She said that she wanted to date someone else a few weeks ago, I've seen interaction ramping up online between this guy and her... I didn't ask her directly about him or anyone. When I brought up her wanting to date other people, she didn't say that she didn't want to do that anymore... I would've thought she'd clear that up with me that morning... Anyways, I hope that she can forgive me for that morning and we can clear stuff up... But I do feel stronger than I did at the beginning... I've gone through a lot... I know not to appear needy. The problem is that she probably thought that when I was attacking her and trying to force her to make a decision, she probably expected me to be needy, which is why she was assuming that was what I mean. My email should clear that up, I should hope... Link to comment
gp913 Posted November 29, 2009 Author Share Posted November 29, 2009 Still haven't heard anything from her. I still feel I did good by saying I don't think we should date while she is dating someone else, though it is hard knowing that I may not see her anymore... before I had been seeing her, but would stress out when she was not around. Plus the fact that this one guy works at the library where she is always studying. I'm hoping that she is waiting until her therapist appointment on Monday to talk to him about everything, before she talks to me... I see my therapist on Wednesday... I feel that we need to sit down and discuss this... I was just thinking now... If she says that she still wants to see someone else right now also, I will stand by what I said and say that we shouldn't date eachother while she is doing this... but I may mention that I had bought tickets to see the Nutcracker around Christmas time and if she is not seeing anyone at that time, I would love to take her... to just let me know. Would this still give her time to think? It would definitely give me time to chill out. It would almost give her a deadline to really think about things... All of my stress has been from worrying about neglected time because of someone else... If she says that she doesn't want to date anyone else right now anymore and wants us to work on things... I may suggest a break for us first and a planned date going to the Nutcracker (it would be about 4 weeks away)... I bought these tickets earlier this month and they were going to be a surprise. They're really good seats. We had always wanted to go together at Christmas time. Do these sound like good ideas? I would hope that we could discuss this though and I would have to wait for her to contact me... I was thinking if I don't hear from her by Thursday or something, I would call her and ask her to just talk for a bit. Link to comment
gp913 Posted November 29, 2009 Author Share Posted November 29, 2009 Anybody? Did what I say in the previous post sound like a good idea? I'll need to talk to her sometime soon anyways... She has my Christmas tree at her place... she was also going to give me a freezer... plus, I had just bought her a shirt that I thought was funny that I told her I got her. I'm hoping that I'll hear from her this week. I don't think what I told her would make her not want to talk to me, I would think that she'd want to talk to me about this. I made it clear that I would like to talk about this... Link to comment
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