The whole "I love you but im not in love with you"

[bowski]

I have posted my story a few times over the past 5 weeks for various reasons but am still bothered by that line. I received it from my girlfriend after her being not intimate and not in love with me for 5 months before she broke up with me. This after being together for almost 3 years. I just wonder if it is possible for someone to get feelings back for you when they live 3 hours away from you and you never have the chance to see them? My ex is graduating from college and from what ive gathered from friends (we went to the same college) is partying liek never before and acting very different from the person she used to be. I hold out hope that her being away from college will make her realize how in love she once was with me but i fear that i pushed her away with all my smothering and jealous behavior. Just had to get some feelings out there because its been a bad week.

[ElephantRider]

Or what about I have alot of feelings but not the correct feelings. By the way things aren't going anywhere b/w her and the new guy. She is having some health problems and is calling me for support.

 

What do you do?

[TrueHeart]

Bowski- worry not.. There is an answer to the mystery behind that phrase.. Allow me to try to explain....

 

Defining and interpreting love has always been a huge pain in the neck. There are always different levels of love... Your love for your sister is different than your love for your Mom... That kind of difference.

 

When someone says they love you, but aren't IN love with you-- that usually means they are saying "I care about you very much. Enough to not want to see you get hurt and to make sure that you are happy"-- THAT kind of love.... verses being IN LOVE with someone where its "I want to spend the rest of my life with you because you complete the other part of me, you make me whole and complete my life in every way."

 

Just remember something though...

 

Just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have...

 

I hope this puts things in a different perspective for you-- My heart goes out to you, friend..

[bowski]

thanks but im at the stage where i really dont want her to be my friend, i just want her to in love with me. is it possible to get someone to love you in that way again just by doing the no contact and hoping they realize they miss you and realize the good times you had together? Maybe we have just turned into different people and drifted apart. She told me she broke up with me in her mind a few months ago but for some reason i hold out hope things will change once she is home and away from the college atmosphere and realizes she graduated. Might just be me being foolish thouhg

[shockeddismayed]

bowski,

 

I know how you feel... you are in a tough spot.

 

However both versions of the future that you suggested are possible. There is no telling. Certainly she may miss you so much that she'll want to re-examine what is there... she doesn't need to "fall back in love" for you to have this chance. However, it could also be that she has drifted apart from you... this happens too. Especially at ages where big life changes are in store.

 

I know you don't want to be friends with her.... but unless you can try you will never get the chance. This doesn't mean that you have to be her best friend... or be her friend forever, but if you get the chance to establish contact with her, you are going to have to be ready... and secure enough... to make that choice.

 

Use this time to work on yourself... figure out why you were smothering her and jealous, etc.

 

Keep in mind that if this is one of those situations where she "needed a break" and eventually gets back together with you, it will be important that you've made the most of this time for reflection.

 

My ex said to me the other day, "I believe that it could be 'meant to be', but only if you use your time wisely". What she meant was that she might find herself wanting to get back together, but if she doesn't take her own space to sort out her thoughts, it might be too late (as I'll have moved on).

 

On the flip side... if your ex decides she misses you too much, she will more than likely express it as an offer of friendship. If you aren't ready to be strong and confident despite the fact you want MORE than friendship, the opportunity will pass you by.

[bowski]

You are right.... She is still in college and will be leaving there real soon and then maybe things will change. She really is a different person right now though and feels free, i think alot of this has to do with being the last few weeks of college before the real world sets in. Her feelings for me have changed over the months and i think maybe a little has to do with the college thing. I am not going to contact her or anything over the summer, and if she does contact me then so be it. She knows the ball is in her court and if she wants to start some sort of contact with me she can. I know its bad but i read her away messages on instant messenger everyday and they are all about partying and hooking up so i dont know what the deal is. She seems like a different person, i dont know if things will change once she calms down over the summer or if this is the person she is now. Only time will tell but I just wish there was some point where she missed me and wanted to hang out or something and we could take it from there. We live 2 hours away from each other so I dont know if she will ever get the urge to see me.