Chances of getting back together when...

[agualibre777]

...your breakup was quite sudden, recent, both members are being very lovely to each other, saying kind things, being supportive and helping each other out...

 

My ex broke up with me because I was getting insecure, and he has a lot of other things going on at the moment with his career (serious things at stake), and didn't feel he could be supportive at this time. It happened very suddenly because I suggested he was lying to me and I couldn't trust him. And he was concerned I would continue to do this and be unpredictable (he has some baggage with this- an ex threatening to commit suicide, and pretending to be pregnant among other things). I had no reason at all to believe he was lying- this is all my own baggage as well and fears from the past.

 

He was unsure about the break up but I told him I couldn't wait for him to decide.

 

He is right to be worried about my insecurities, I don't have a great track record, but I own my issues and I'm working on them.

 

Regardless, he says he admires me and wants to be more like me, doesn't want to lose me as a friend, wants to help me out with some things the next couple of months as I transition my career.

 

I wrote him an email about some good news without any emotion to it- just thanking him for helping me, said I hope he had a good thanksgiving and a safe drive and he wrote me back saying how wonderful it was and he hoped I had a great thanksgiving and he is thankful for knowing me. It was worded odd and I didn't know how to read that but I didn't say anything about feelings toward him in my email on purpose. I did not reply to that email.

 

I'm seeing him in a couple of weeks at an event (he is coming to be supportive of me). I'm fine, I know I'll be fine without him, but it was so sudden and I don't think we got give the relationship a full chance to work. He said he has a problem leaving relationships once they get shakey.

 

I guess I am wondering if you all think there is any chance we can work this issue out. I guess as I write this, it does sound kind of hopeless, but the truth is he is a very very good person at heart, and he knows the same about me. We have really good honest communication, and trust each other (well, I do when I'm not having anxiety issues). And have a blast together as well...

[petnames]

Sorry in advance for the long post, I think I went through something similar and wanted to share if you care to read it. It might help you with your issue, even though it is not a straight answer.

 

How long were you together? I was with my ex for 15 months, and we were totally in love (at least for a good portion of it, I don't know exactly what her feelings were at the end of it). When she ended things, it literally came out of nowhere for me. We had spent a weekend together (summers were LDR for us but we made sure to see each other), and it went great. I think that a big reason she ended things with me was the fact that I had developed some insecurities, and had become very dependent on her. We had great communication, get along great (still, when we are around each other), trust each other, etc. She also pulls away when she starts to worry about getting hurt. We were each others first love, and I miss her incredibly. I have moved on enough to work on myself, but I still would do anything to get her back and struggle saying no to her.

 

If this sounds similar to your situation, then here is what I did, what happened, and what I regret and don't regret:

I started off agreeing we should take a break (huge mistake, I gave her my blessing and she committed. I should have been forcefully clear that I DID NOT want that. I still don't know what I was thinking). I immediately regretted that and broke down, begging her and asking her why (another mistake, reinforced the neediness. I should have asked her why and fought for us instead of begging for us. I can be persuasive, I just had gotten extremely scared). I spent the next month begging her to let us stay close friends and breaking down to her about how much it hurt and how much I needed her and continuing to ask her why (I should have taken at least an entire month to myself, I have found out since then that she confided to her friends that she was lonely a lot and I helped her deal with that loneliness until she got used to using her friends to fill the void. This first month was the biggest mistake I made, I think that if I hadnt made this mistake then I may have already gotten another shot). After that, I confessed my feelings to her, she denied them, and we went NC for a month (I do not regret this at all, it needed to be done, it should have been done at the beginning. I broke after a week, we hung out, it went terribly as I had been drinking, etc. After that, there were no breaks by my, just miserable weeks.) She broke NC after about 3 weeks from my breaking it, we started to see each other periodically (NC was awful, school had started, she lives with my two best female friends, both of whom I became close with before she did, she became close with them through me, although they are in a sorority together. We have very similar friends and it was painfully hard to avoid each other, we both talked about that afterward. Also, starting it late had multiple bad side effects. Since school started, she now was surrounded by people, got a job, and was occupied with school, whereas if I had started earlier she would have been alone and bored for much of the time). We ramped up from LC to moderate contact, and it went ok, I had been working out, feeling confident, going to counseling, doing yoga, and staying busy. I was still very hurt, but she truly is an incredible person who losing her entirely would be more painful to me than losing a relationship with her (I don't regret any of this. It is not weird for me to be around her, like I said her roommates are two of my best friends, both of whom continue to make an effort to see me, and me them. My ex came over once or twice to cook too, as many of the people I live with are her friends as well, which may seem a little much, but I handled it well and it wasn't too bad). After about a month of this contact, she began opening up, we started hanging out more, and talking more like we did when we were together. So after a week of this, I approached her to ask if something had changed for her (She had told me that she would give us another shot in the future if she and I had both made enough changes). I told her that if it hadn't, that was ok, I still wanted to continue our friendship. She told me that she was being my friend, wanted to stay my friend, but that anything more than that would be a bad idea (this irritates me, I want to ask why. I know the answer: because she doesn't want to be more, but if thats the reason just say it, don't say something that invites me to ask why. Anyway, that is a problem with semantics that doesn't really matter). I told her that is fine, stopped her from arguing with me by telling her I wasn't trying to have a conversation that we have had before, and she got very upbeat and thanked me, and then thanked me for talking to her about it maturely (I have no regrets about this. I want her back, but the way it was progressing in that way only led to me making a move and getting hurt since I haven't let go enough to handle the uncertainty of that kind of courtship. My biggest regret is not cutting contact the first month/2 months and approaching her with this then, if she hadnt come back to me, which I have a lot of confidence would happen.) We are now in LC to moderate contact, depending on what our plans are. If our paths cross, we can't seem to stay away from each other and catching up. If they don't, we are at casual texts, facebook wall posts about things we know the other will laugh at or enjoy (this is entirely mutual, not driven more by me or her). I am able to keep working on myself, which I like the motivation it gives me, I have begun seriously weight lifting for the first time since early high school and have noticed significant changes already. I have been on dates, etc, and can enjoy things in my life that are good. It just still isn't enough, and I hope that someday she decides she wants to try again, because I sure as hell do. I have resigned myself to wanting her back until I find someone better, but I am not going to stop living my life.