I feel like a bad wife & mother =/

[Ashley1640]

I'm so tired, so sleepy. So exhausted, never enough sleep. Never have 'me' time. I do 4 adult laundry and 1 baby laundry. I cook for 5 adults. My 4 month old is teething and always fussy. I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I'm stressed. Clothes are piling up because I'm trying to do EVERYONES. I can't keep dishes kept up because I cook and no one helps me clean. NO one picks up their own messes.. I have to come in behind them and pick it up; If I don't pick it up it'll turn into a complete disaster.. I can't live that way! And if I DO go on strike.. everyone blames me. As usual.

 

I get called lazy.. Yet I do everything to keep everyone happy. I make sure everything downstairs is clean for company.. but I'm so busy picking up downstairs and cleaning up after everyone I don't have time to clean up anything upstairs.

 

Everything is piling up. And I'm sinking. I'm drowning. It's causing me to want to sleep for a full 24hrs.. but who wants to wake up to a complete wreck and no help? Family members say they don't receive any help, but I'm always always there helping. Why can't I ever get help in return?

 

I'm not depressed. I'm just enormously stressed out. I need to calm down. To breathe. To relax. But how can a mommy of a teething 4 month old ever get that? When she lays down for the night, I'm busy trying to do things I couldn't during the day. If not that, then I try spending time with the husband because I don't get to see him until after 10pm. Last night he didn't even get home til midnight. I miss him.. I hate this new schedule. 3 and a half more weeks to go.. hopefully.

 

I just want sleep. 8-12 hours would be nice. And I'm not feeling well. I'm always dizzy and I've been nauseous today. Not to mention I fell down the stairs yesterday and my knee and elbow are sore from the landing.

 

 

Sigh. I feel better after typing this out. No idea why.

 

Edit:

Ahh what'dya know. I get a small break. Off to go clean something

[No One]

Yes, family is supposed to work together as a team.

 

So, you, husband working 3 jobs, very elderly relatives, and your children??

[HeartGoesOn]

From what I read, it seems like you live with your parent's? Are you, along with your husband and baby planning on getting your own place? I'm sure that would be much easier on you.

[IGlareOften]

That's not fair. I don't care how many jobs a person works...they can't forgo responsibility. I't's not up to you be mom to 3 other adults. *sigh* That's not fair.

[Ashley1640]

Sorry, I don't think I said anything about my husband having 3 jobs. He is a cop and has funky hours. Right now his schedule is 2pm-10pm. He leaves at 1, and I really don't expect to see him anywhere around 10pm because of the job he does. Once his schedule *should* go back to nights (10pm to 6am), it'll be easier. He'll get to spend more time with me and our baby(4months).

 

Yeah we live with our parents. If you want some back history, check out my forum called "I'm living with the devil in disguise!"

It's me my husband and baby, along with my mom and dad, and my mom's mom. Everyone works except me and my grandma, but my grandma is 82 and literally sleeps all the time. If she's not sleeping, she's reading a book. She's a legendary pack rat, never cleans anything.. yet no one expects her to. And then when my mom eventually has enough, explodes on her, but nothing changes. Can't teach a dog new tricks I guess. Or to ever respect people's belongings and a house they wish to keep clean. People are so selfish...

 

If I cook dinner, it's always me having to clean it up as well. I'm always cleaning up after everyone. While I don't mind cleaning considering everyone works - it would just be nice if people would AT THE VERY LEAST, pick it up if they got it out. It's one less thing I would have to pick up, clean up, fold, straighten, etc..

So, the aspect of cleaning doesn't bother me. I just wish people would pick up their crap rather than letting me be everyone's mom and maid. If my husband was the ONLY one that did it, I wouldn't mind.... but I feel like I'm taking care of 3 OTHER adults, two of which that has raised me.

 

My mom is an anal clean freak. But since there are now so many people in the house(have been for 2 years), she's lost that cleanliness. She's normally always pissed off that the house is a wreck.. we'll go through a weekend where she's anal and cleans, then come Mon/Tues she's too tired and won't help me, and then she makes her own messes and says she's too tired. She's always too tired. Which I get... but if you're going to gripe and gripe and complain and then point the finger at me, cmon.. at least practice what you preach!

 

By the way, this wasn't allllll soo stressful BEFORE I had a baby. Yeah it was annoying, and we bickered..but now that I have a child of my own, I don't have time to play mommy to others, even if I'm currently not working and not attending college until January. Again.

[HeartGoesOn]

That's a lot of stress and work for you! Is there a reason why you're not living in your own place?

[Ashley1640]

My husband just graduated from the police academy early September(Before that he unfortunately got laid off from his previous job). We've had it rough.. but come March 2010 we'll be able to see regular paychecks rather than crappy ones from being in the training stage. Once March and regular paychecks + overtime comes, we'll be able to move out and *hopefully* buy a house rather than rent an apartment.

 

It's just a matter of time and gritting teeth. I just wish there was a way I could talk effectively to my mother and get her to understand me completely. For some crazy reason, my dad thinks I'm a lazy person.. I don't know why... I'm allwayyssss cleaning and playing mommy to everyone. Maybe he just thinks I should get a job, or at least go to school - both of which I'll be starting come January. (I say January for the job because I have to wait til husband is on his set schedule so I can find a job).

 

blah blah blah. i just want to do what this smiley is doing: ](*,)

 

 

Edit:

When my mom was griping at me earlier I told her to leave me alone, and he said something about me being 'lazy'. Well, I just talked to my dad about it. I told him, "Dad, I don't want you thinking I'm lazy... and I personally don't think I'm lazy, so I'd really like for you to tell me why you think I'm lazy that way I can work on it and not be lazy." He told me he didn't view me as lazy, he misused the word. He told me that while I was growing up my parents gave me everything and did everything for me(which is true), and that that is why I'm the way I am today. Not LAZY, just.. dependent I guess is what he means. Dependent and that I'm a taker.. I guess.

I completely agree with him, because it's a subject my husband and I talk about a LOT. It was something that was the one thing he absolutely could not stand about me. He has amazing work ethic, and when he looks at me he's like.. um..??? (Back history: his mother has worked all her life and was never a stay at home mother.. so he doesn't have the society/traditional view of stay-at-home-moms like how I was raised. My mom didn't start working until I was in highschool, she was always a stay at home mom and did everything for me).

 

I'm not selfish, not even close. I really think it was just how I was raised, how both my husband and dad(just tonight) have told me. There are just some things I need to work on, but hey, who is absolutely perfect and has everything correct?

 

Getting a job will take time though. And honestly, they(everyone in family), thinks me finishing college is more important than having a part time job right now. Which I agree with. But I'd still like to have a little part time job, few hours a day maybe 3-4 days a week. Just to get out of the house, meet people, be "alone" in a sense.. and heck, earn a bit of money. I could put it all back and start saving for Kami's college now. Or another car. xD

[MD Geist]

WOW Ashley! If thats you in your avatar all I can is I would have never guessed you where a mother at your age!. your beautiful!.

 

Anyways I'm far from being a mother however I'm basically the father of the house hold. I'm the only one who mans up to everything helping out my mother and my 3 lazy ass brothers who are much older than me without jobs.

 

Try and do what you can. like I tell everyone around the house, "Leon can't do everythang!" Just hang in there, at least you have a reason to be working hard, me I find myself arguing to the fam about my personal life or taking care of them.

[spearntime]

I can completely relate. (I have four children ranging in ages from 6 months to 14 years, and the oldest and youngest have special needs).

 

My husband also works in law enforcement. His schedule is CRAZY. Working graves, sleeps ALL day... it's a nightmare.

 

Please realize that everyone shouldn't be expecting you to clean up after them. They are adults. It seems as though you need to set limits with them.

 

Everyone I know is aware that someone with a four month old baby needs time to recover...not clean up after and cook for everyone!

 

With little sleep, (breastfeeding? That take A LOT out of a mother to make milk and keep up the calories), hormones, isolation, body changes...

 

give yourself a break! I can't believe you would even entertain that ANYONE would judge you right now with school, etc...

 

Taking care of a baby is a full time job..just add another full time job and that would describe what you do. TWO full time jobs. Esp. at that baby's age.

 

I would go online to a mom's support site (link removed is good). Talk to other moms. You are not alone.

 

Good luck with everything!

[waveseer]

Here are some suggestions:

 

1. Cook only on Sundays and freeze meals for the week.

2. Let the dishes dry themselves.

3. Do each person's laundry separately and those who can fold and put away for themselves should.

4. Put all the clutter into a laundry basket and when anyone asks where something is tell them its "in the basket", they'll learn.

5. Go to sleep at night as soon as your child goes to sleep. Try to nap when your child naps too.

6. Clean whatever room your child needs/wants to be in at the time. This way you can still interact while you get things done.

7. Put on blinders. Do only the essentials. If anyone complains tell them the maid quit.

[spearntime]

Waveseer is awesome

[Ashley1640]

WOW Ashley! If thats you in your avatar all I can is I would have never guessed you where a mother at your age!. your beautiful!.

 

Anyways I'm far from being a mother however I'm basically the father of the house hold. I'm the only one who mans up to everything helping out my mother and my 3 lazy ass brothers who are much older than me without jobs.

 

Try and do what you can. like I tell everyone around the house, "Leon can't do everythang!" Just hang in there, at least you have a reason to be working hard, me I find myself arguing to the fam about my personal life or taking care of them.

 

Haha thankyou. I'm pretty young, but geez I feel like my body is breaking down each day. LOL.

Is it mean for me to say I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this? lol

 

I can completely relate. (I have four children ranging in ages from 6 months to 14 years, and the oldest and youngest have special needs).

 

My husband also works in law enforcement. His schedule is CRAZY. Working graves, sleeps ALL day... it's a nightmare.

 

Please realize that everyone shouldn't be expecting you to clean up after them. They are adults. It seems as though you need to set limits with them.

 

Everyone I know is aware that someone with a four month old baby needs time to recover...not clean up after and cook for everyone!

 

With little sleep, (breastfeeding? That take A LOT out of a mother to make milk and keep up the calories), hormones, isolation, body changes...

 

give yourself a break! I can't believe you would even entertain that ANYONE would judge you right now with school, etc...

 

Taking care of a baby is a full time job..just add another full time job and that would describe what you do. TWO full time jobs. Esp. at that baby's age.

 

I would go online to a mom's support site (link removed is good). Talk to other moms. You are not alone.

 

Good luck with everything!

 

I'm not even sure how to 'set limits' without it starting an uproar in this household. Everyone is so sensitive and wears their feelings on their shoulders(can't say I don't do it either, though!)

I breastfed/pumped for Kami the first 3.5 to 4 months. I quit sometime in that time, and I'm happily feeding her formula and rice cereal, lol! It was EXTREMELY hard, I will admit.. But it was well worth it to know I gave her my immunities and extra vitamins and such. xD

And apparently since my mom raised me a certain way, since she's so perfect.. I have to do everything HER way. And if I do it differently, well, I feel as if it's being looked down upon(oh God, she pressured me SOO much to feed Kami rice cereal before she was actually ready for it, it was terrible). She always tells me I was never fussy, I was a very happy baby, she could move me from room to room and clean easily. But I do find that Kamryn is a happy baby too, it's just that she is somtimes a handle as well... especially now that she's teething. I have a ton of patience with her. But that doesn't mean I'm going to shut the door and let her scream in pain. If it means putting down the broom and aiding her every need, I'm going to do it. She's 4months old, she is in pain.

What set my mom off tonight was I left a couple of wet diapers in Kami's pack'n'play. She was yelling at me that it's disgusting and dirty, how could I forget, that Kami takes naps there, etc etc........ I GET IT. But when she's screaming from teething and exhaustion because she can't nap, a wet diaper is the last thing I'm thinking of. I'm running around trying to find anything and everything to please her. From temporary relief(baby orajel, teething tablets, cold teething rings, etc..) to running around the house pushing her in a stroller! lol. My mom is very organized, doesn't procrastinate, and somehow can get everything done in a day. When I was a baby she could have the house spotless every day, have me all perfect and happy, plus laundry done and dinner on the table. (I really think it's the age difference.. she got me when she was 34, and I'm 22). She just makes me feel so darn irresponsible and a pathetic mother..............Then when I cry about feeling so terrible, she wonders WHY I feel that way. You know what she told me the other day? "Well Ashley, if you feel like you're a terrible mother that probably means you're doing something that you know you shouldn't do."

Ugh. Just. Whatever..

 

Here are some suggestions:

 

1. Cook only on Sundays and freeze meals for the week.

2. Let the dishes dry themselves.

3. Do each person's laundry separately and those who can fold and put away for themselves should.

4. Put all the clutter into a laundry basket and when anyone asks where something is tell them its "in the basket", they'll learn.

5. Go to sleep at night as soon as your child goes to sleep. Try to nap when your child naps too.

6. Clean whatever room your child needs/wants to be in at the time. This way you can still interact while you get things done.

7. Put on blinders. Do only the essentials. If anyone complains tell them the maid quit.

 

Your #1 is an amazing idea, thankyou! 2,3,4 I couldn't get away with. My mom cannot stand leaving clothes in a basket(wrinkles the clothes). She works all day, so she's too tired when she comes home to do anything but lay in bed, watch her TV shows, and play her facebook games.

 

 

 

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh I feel like I'm just baShing my mom! And God I love her soso much, she just has really gotten on my nerves since I've given birth to my own child! I swear she's a really good person, I hope I"m not making her out to be a monster..

[waveseer]

Waveseer is awesome

 

Thanks. Making time for fun takes a little efficiency.

[spearntime]

Oh, honey....your dear mother and you .... need to get away from each other. You should not be living under the same roof.

 

You'll get along better when you're not stepping on each other's toes. You're a grown woman now, not a child. Sometimes that can be hard for mothers to understand.

[waveseer]

Ashley,

 

Nobody thinks less of you, you are overwhelmed. How about a day off? Since you aren't paid you can just declare it.

 

"I am taking tomorrow off to spend with my child. If you need anything either get it yourself or ask someone else for help."

[sidehop]

I agree with Waveseer, gotta put your foot down and tell them enough is enough. Your body is going to take a toll and it's not going to help out anyone. They need to see that picture.

 

My wife and I split the load at home as much as possible. Some days are harder with packed schedules but when everyone does their share it's less tiring and things get done before we can sit down for the night.

 

Props to you, I hope things change for the better. By the way we used this for our daughter when she was teething: link removed Very good stuff

[Seraphim]

Here are some suggestions:

 

1. Cook only on Sundays and freeze meals for the week.

2. Let the dishes dry themselves.

3. Do each person's laundry separately and those who can fold and put away for themselves should.

4. Put all the clutter into a laundry basket and when anyone asks where something is tell them its "in the basket", they'll learn.

5. Go to sleep at night as soon as your child goes to sleep. Try to nap when your child naps too.

6. Clean whatever room your child needs/wants to be in at the time. This way you can still interact while you get things done.

7. Put on blinders. Do only the essentials. If anyone complains tell them the maid quit.

 

Hahah........yes I throw people's not put away junk in a garbage bag. They get it back when they put it away. I will clean up but I am not the maid.

[15 Storeys High]

Okay. I also work shifts, and 1400-2200 does not mean a person can't help but sit around the house. That's an 8 hour shift for christs sake. 8 hours is nothing. That's a ridiculous excuse on his part. What does he actually do during the morning?

 

As for your mother? Well...if she's such a neat freak yoy should just get in there and ask her to put her money where her mouth is. Stop taking all the crap these people are throwing on you.

[waveseer]

Hahah........yes I throw people's not put away junk in a garbage bag. They get it back when they put it away. I will clean up but I am not the maid.

 

I generally use boxes and after a day or two the box goes out to the garage. Then every few months the stuff in boxes in the garage goes to charity or the garbage bin, depending.

[Ashley1640]

Well, good news:

 

I talked to both of my parents and asked them politely to back off, and if they expect things then they need to help as well and not push it all on me to do. My dad 'babysat' for about 2hrs last night which allowed me to do some cleaning that I needed to do for myself, and he was nice and did the dishes =)

I talked to my mom today and she completely understood without flipping out. She didn't take it well at first, but then called me back and apologized. We agreed to make a deal. So hopefully things get better.

 

As for my husband? He's getting used to the 2-10 schedule, this is only his 4th day on this time schedule.. so he sleeps, a lot, trying to get used to it. he was on nights before, so he's having to re-train himself to go to bed at night rather than stay awake. so for now, im understanding and don't bother with him. if i want something done i'll tell him, and he usually does it.. so.. no real issue with him.

[waveseer]

I'm so glad you were able to speak up and initiate a few changes.

[sidehop]

Glad to hear

[Ashley1640]

We'll see how long it lasts though.