Finally he approaches me... pls read the last post

[Hunney Pooh]

There are a few parts of my story as I have been updating it. So, if you have the time, please read until my last post in page 4. Opinions and advices are welcomed as there is no deadline. I will keep on checking to see if there's anyone who gives new feedback, from time to time.

 

I broke up with him 4 weeks ago. I was the one who decided on the break up. Since then, I've not been seeing him but only received some forwarded mails from him once in a while. Last week I sent a sms to his cell phone asking him not to send me anymore mails.

 

He had been once disloyal to me and at first he did a lot of things to gain back my confidence but after two months, he started going out with friends without wanting me to go. I was angry because he did not fulfil his promise to help me gain my confidence and yet took me for granted.

 

I suffered a lot in this one month time. Really suffer!! I miss him a lot but on the other hand, I hate him for not putting extra effort into this relationship. I cried myself to sleep almost every night and I keep on thinking of him every minute. I can't even pay attention to the things I do. Only by sleeping, I won't think of him. It's very suffering as I just Couldn't get him off my mind no matter what I do.

 

I have thought of approaching him but I can't do that. Even he comes back after I begged him, I won't be respected by him anymore as begging shows that he is more important to me than I am to him. He won't bother about my feelings anymore even if he flirts around with girls in the future when he knows that I can't live without him. Can anyone out there tell me what can I do? I feel very weak and I have no confidence. It's just like I've lost my direction in life.

[kungfumaster]

Hi Hunney,

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

 

The thing is, what had he done to be "disloyal" to you - did he cheat on you with another girl?? If he did cheat on you, then its good that you dumped him. Forget about him. You deserve better. You gave him another chance, and now, he is taking you for granted again by not being considerate of your feelings. It takes great strength to try to trust again after being cheated on.

 

Don't worry Hunney, things will get better. Time is the best healer. Just right now, try to hang out with your friends and family to try to get your mind off him - come here to this site and vent! That's helped me.

 

Anyways, hope you feel better.

Take care.

Kung fu

[Hunney Pooh]

Thanks a lot, Kungfumaster! It's really hard for me right now but I'll try my very best. All the best to you and take care.

[ravishing]

I have been through the same thing. believe me, u will be just fine. I used to cry a lot and had the same problem but I diverted my attention to other things. At this point, dont be alone. Just hang out with friends even if u dont feel like. Go out whenever u get a chance. U will feel much better. Keep urself busy..thats the key.

[kuhl282000]

hello

 

Sorry for the heartbreak, we have all been there. The question you have to ask yourself is how long do you want to suffer ? That is all up to you. We all heal different. When i went through it, I choose to heal as soon as possible. Different stages you go through, regret, anger, loss and so on. Take things real slow right now. Your life is not over, it is just starting. If he cheated, you had to dump him. It was his loss, and your gain. You deserve to be treated better.

 

Be Strong

 

Kuhl

 

 

[JT]

I just wanted to say that I was in a similar situation a year ago. She cut things off with me... but what I did was work, work work.. I got a new job, went to therapy..worked on my issues and we got back together for a year. Things were going great, however I feel she did not work on herself enough in therapy to fix the issues she brought to the relationship. In turn we had communication issues, I could not bring up issues where I felt I was not appreciated. It began to fester.. it turned into fights.. I tried to tell her I couldnt talk to her but she did nothing but assault me every time with a barrage of everything I've ever done wrong in the relationship. In all.. I did a great deal to change myself.. but It takes two to tango. I eventually cut her off of the relationship... I was the one to leave. I wish she would just change and come back.. but I know its something she has to do. But, I am confident knowing I learned much about the relationship, and finding out things about myself, what kind of woman I need, and constructive commucation is a key element of that.

[Hunney Pooh]

Dear Ravishing, Kuhl and JT,

 

Thanks so much to you guys!!! I really appreciate the advices and suggestions given. I have to stay strong and move on. I know I can do it but what I need most is time. As for JT, I hope you'll achieve what you are hoping for, I really hope so. You guys are too kind to console me and provide me with guides to overcome the difficulties that I'm facing right now. Wishing you guys all the best and take care!!!

[Hunney Pooh]

I did a stupid thing last night... When I was preparing to go to bed, a friend called and we talked for about half an hour. In the conversation, she told me that few days ago, my ex text another guy friend (a friend in our group which we used to go out together when we were still together) asking him to recommend a new job to him.

 

The stupid thing that I've done was to text him after the phone conversation. In that message, I told him that I've heard about him wanting to look for another job and I told him to let me know if there's anything I can help. I ended the message by wishing him all the best and take care. There's no respond from him and right now I'm feeling sad. Don't know why. I shouldn't have text him at the first place. I did that just because I still concern about him. I looked for trouble for myself as I begin to suffer all over again.

[Hunney Pooh]

Last night he replied my text. He thanked me for my message and told me that's he's fine. He said that he really hope that we can still remain as friends. He said that he's very drunk at that moment and living a single life bored him to death. I replied back, asking him is he ok (cause he's drunk) but there was not reply and I tried to call him but couldn't get through his cell phone.

 

After 30 minutes I tried again and he picked up the call. I asked him whether he is ok and he said that he's alright and already sleeping. So i just ask him to rest and put down the phone. Again, I did a stupid thing by making the second call. I asked him whether he is happy with the present life compared to the time we were still together and he said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I asked him why he just gave up like that and why he never call me. He said I never changed and still wanna blame him on things.

 

He said he doesn't want to be controlled. I told him that he never tried to give confidence and he just said everything is his fault. I asked him did he give me any freedom while we were together and he said now both of us have our own freedom to go wherever we want. I thought I could mend back the relationship, that's why I called him. Since he said things like this, I told him im sorry and that I shouldn't have called him and then I put down the phone.

 

Why did he tell me that he feel bored in a single life at the first place? He did mention in the conversation that he has heart pain (as in sad) but he said just let it pain. Why did he suddenly become so cold to me? Why can't we just talk and sort things out? I love him too much to throw this relationship away just like that.

[kungfumaster]

Hunney - why do you love him so much?? He has cheated on you, and from your first post, he has done nothing to try to regain your trust/confidence. I think this is what you need to ask yourself.

 

When he said "I feel bored in a single life" - awwwww - poor baby.

Don't waste your time on a drunken man's ramblings - because they are exactly that.

 

Hunney - you just have to move on.

 

Take care.

Kung fu

[Hunney Pooh]

He met with one of my friend on Saturday afternoon and had a drink. My friend asked him what's his plan or decision on our relationship. He just said that he doesn't know and he does not want his girlfriend to control him. That night itself, we will be going to a cafe for drink and my friend invited him along. He said that he's not sure whether he'll be going because "he's afraid if we meet up, can't stand it and get back together". I don't know he is referring to me or himself.

 

He showed up in the cafe that night. I sat at one corner and he sat at the other corner where we could hardly see each other. So we did not say hi to each other. Friends noticed that he kept on glancing at me (as in look me at a fast speed and then look somewhere else). Later he left, saying that he's going to have beer with friends. My friend later told me he has paid for my drink (only my drink and his). Why did he do that to me? Why did he keep on confusing me?

 

In the afternoon before that night at the cafe, 2 friends suggested to me that I should invite him to discuss and sort things out. Thinking about that, I texted him after he left saying "Is there anything that we can sit down and talk? If you want, we can sort things out". He did not reply and I sent another one saying "No matter you want to talk or not, at least reply me". Again, he did not reply. I texted him for the third time saying "I know your answer, you don't need to reply". This time he replied saying "I don't want to think about anything now, my brain is very packed, please go and sleep". Oh my god!!! Who am I to him?

 

He checked my mail and deleted a mail which was sent by a guy to me(the mail has a flower in it, I checked and marked it as unread). Three weeks ago, he asks a guy friend out (our mutual friend) for a drink and asked him how I'm doing. Why does he keep on confusing me? If he still cares, why doesn't want to discuss with me and sort things out? If he no longer cares, why does he asked about me from friends, pay for my drink and delete my mail before I see it? Can anybody wake me up? I don't want to stay in this dream. Scold me....anything...I just want to wake up.

 

A friend of mine wants to introduce a guy to me. That guy has my cell phone number. He texts me and calls me quite often. Should I try going out with this guy for a date? But I'm clear that I still love my ex very much.

[moneypennyxx]

Ok, for a start, you mates are rubbish.

 

try looking at the "do not contact" section!!! on these pages

 

there are two things that you dont have by calling and texting someone, thats respect and most of all power, the reason why us girls cry so much when men dont call or text is because we are powerless to the situation! and in fact the more that you do, the worse things are!!

 

mission one: DO NOT CALL

 

its obious that you have too much free time to think about him and the relationship, whether his calling etc etc, get a second job or start a hobbie, i started working in a bar and made great friends and before i even realised i stopped thinking about him

 

mission 2: fill your time!

 

 

most of all, the ball is in his court now, stop trying to contact him and make "things ok" i hate to be blunt but you are making things worse, and allowing him to get nastier and nastier towards you.

 

 

mission 3: get new mates!!

 

the ones you have obviously like you alot, but they dont need to talk about this guy all the time, one should at least be saying by now to pick yourself up, in the long run looking like you are "over it" to him and your mutual friends is gonna make him come running back alot faster than him hearing you are constantly moaping and calling.

 

i wish youthe best, its the only way to get yourself back a litle respect and power.

 

L

x

[Hunney Pooh]

Dear moneypennyxx,

 

What you've said are true. I really gave him the opportunities to be nastier. I felt a little regret for breaking the NC rule. I know I shouldn't have contacted him at the very beginning but all I wanted to do was to save this relationship. If all I have to do was just to make that stupid call to get that relationship back, I'm most willing to do it.

 

But anyway, at least I know I've tried my best for this relationship and I don't have anymore reasons to look back into it again in the future. That's the limit I can do and there's no way I'll do any other things to approach him again as I have already experienced how hurt it was and I know how great the pain was.

 

I'm sure life is better for him without me and that's why he never even think of discussing anything with me. That's great and I have to learn to do that as well. These days, I've been trying to keep myself busy doing things. I've been contacting my old friends...yah..they still welcome me. I consider myself lucky. Trying to look for more activities... and the most important thing..I want to be a stronger person.

 

Thanks for your feedback and opinions. I really appreciate that. Take care.

[Hunney Pooh]

Yesterday his mum called me at my cell phone when I was on my way back from work. His mum asked what is going on between the both of us as I've not been going over to his house for almost 2 months. It was not convenient for me to talk that time so I promised to call her back at night.

 

So, I called at night. I told his mum about the story. Later she asked about my job and told me some updates about him (his job and how is he getting on). When I was telling her about our problem, he eavesdropped our conversation from another phone and then his mum stopped him. His mum told me that he usually goes out in the weekends and stays at home in the weekdays. Whenever she asks him about me, he will just keep quiet. She told me that she is sad with his attitude and that he needs to grow up. After a while we ended the conversation.

 

I feel bad that I called his mum without his knowledge. thereforeeee, I texted him saying that "So, you heard the conversation. I think I need to make it clear that I never intend to call your mum. I just return her call. I still need some pride for myself". I never expect a reply from him but he then replied " I did not blame you or got angry with you. I'm just frustrated with myself. I really hope that we can still be friends. Can we?". I was confused after reading it and finally I decided to accept it. Afterall, I can't hate him like that forever. However, it may be a little hard to talk when friends are around, so I thought we should start talking on the phone as friends. So I texted him "Do you dare to talk on the phone (house phone)? My cell phone has run out of credit (which is true)". No reply. I texted again "Hey, do you wanna talk? Otherwise, I'll go sleep". He replied "I talked to you tomorrow okay. Sister ask me to read the bible now (SURE OR NOT???!!). Sorry for the late reply". I replied back saying "Nevermind, tomorrow I'll be going out (which is true). Bye". It ended here.

 

Now the thing is that I'm not sure whether I can be friends with him. Is it fair for me? Why he can just be so cool and take it so easy? I'm not sure whether I'm prepared to be his friend yet. I planned to take him as my godbrother so that I cannot have intentions towards him anymore. Should I? Is there any better idea? I don't know what to do now. 2 months of break up and become friends again? Is it too fast? Why did he sign in to my email account and check my emails last Thursday? Does a friend do that??? What's going on? I thought I'm already starting the NC rule. And here suddenly comes an interruption. What to do now?? I think I seriously need help.

[moneypennyxx]

The main thing that you need to see here is that there is still no improvement, if he`s gutsey enough to check your emails and listen when his mom calls then he is gutsey enough to ask you back or ask you out to talk.

 

But the fact is, he still doesnt want to talk to you and he still isnt being very respectful to you. The minute he contacts you he knows you will jump when he says. The whole point of the no contact rule is to say I WONT BE TREATED LIKE THIS! its not so he`ll call and then the minute he does you yake that as a lead to keep contacting him again.

 

i dont know about this god brother stuff. But anything that involves seeing or finding a reason in the back of your mind to speak to him is bad.

 

Do not contact him, let him know for once what he is missing! and dont start over calling him the minute he contacts you again!

 

x

[Hunney Pooh]

It's been 2 months....yah, it is. I think that's enough. Enough of hurts and disappointment. Thanks moneypennyxx. What you've said are very true. We've not been contacting each other since the last time I texted and I won't contact him again...not anymore. Not even if he texts me in the future.

 

I realize that I'm feeling happy again...like I used to be before being with him. I'm not lying to myself...that's the truth. To me now, family and friends come first. It's great that I'm over it.

[Hunney Pooh]

Last night, he texted me saying "Can we talk?". Only that 3 words in the text. My cousin brother (his friend too) told me that he said he wants me back but afraid that he'll have to lose his freedom again. I did not reply his text as I'm not sure what to do. I don't know whether I should have a thorough discussion with him and get back together or just ignore him. Friends say it's possible that he'll change (as in not to flirt around again) but I'm too afraid to experience that kind of worries again. Everyday I have to worry when he'll cheat on me again.

 

To tell you guys and gals the truth, I still love him but what should I do to gain the feeling of security from him or what should he do to provide me with security so that I can trust him again? Giving him freedom is not a problem for me but I just hope that he'll not cheat me again. Now I really understand how the 'No Contact' rule really works as I've not been contacting him for more than 3 weeks. May be I'll just have to wait and see whether he has the patience and what other effort he'll put to try to gain back this relationship.

[RayKay]

 

 

It is up to HIM to regain your trust and your security in him. If he does not make that effort on his part, and you have any doubts, well listen to your own heart - do you think he could change? He obviously has some insecurities about himself too to need that "validation" outside the relationship. You are not wrong to have doubts, he broke your trust, and if he wants to be with you again he will have to regain it. What he can do I am not sure...but he has to be open, communicative, explain why he did it, why he won't again. I would not treat him with mistrust, but explain your fears. Don't let him walk all over you...but act as if you can do just fine without him anyway.

 

It does seem that he really does want to talk..and was quite upfront about that. And it all depends on how strong YOU feel. If he is feeling pretty low, it is possible he might not contact you again for a while, but if you want...you could probably reply to his text. And if you DO want to talk - set it up to your own terms, what time suits you, your time frame etc.

 

I would say that if you DO get back together, you might want to make a few sessions of couples counselling a condiition - it might help you both. Depending on why he cheated, it is possible he never will again - while there are countless people who "never change" there are some who do - depending on the circumstances (was he not happy, was he scared of commitment, was he feeling un appreciated, insecure, etc). Your ex maybe one of those who really DOES change and you both could come back stronger. But you both have to put in effort together to rebuild - which is why I REALLY think counselling will be very good for both of you - even if you choose to do it solo each of you to vent more.

 

Good luck, whatever path you choose.