Should we give up

[Mix Maxster]

Hey all,

I had a nice long talk with my brother on the phone, both of us being analytical, logical and scientific kind of people, we like to understand why things happen the way they do and the reaction afterwards. Well I was talking to my brother about what he would do in my situation and what he had to say was very true.

 

Ok onto the meat of the conversation. Basically I explained my situation and asked what he would do in my situation. He said it would depend on the situation, like who broke up with who and why. So I told him that my ex and I split on mutual ground. He listened to what I had to say and had something to tell me. He said that through his experience at college, he had the chance to be around a whole bunch of people all with different experiences in relationships. So he told me that for some people it plays out like this, basically there's a time at which the dumper (before breaking up) will start thinking about the relationship. They will wonder about the relationship as a whole and they can either ignore it or will start to question the doubts they are now seeing. This doesn't happen over a course of a week either, this happens on average for about 5 months. Essentially all they do is wonder if the relationship is worth it anymore. Some of them will try to deal with the issues head on, but more times than not they don't deal with it. So they muster over it for ages and ages, essentially intentionally distancing themselves so they lose their feelings for you. Ya it sounds bad, but the truth is its probably exactly what happened. So time goes on and they slowly lose the love they once had, perhaps they're fighting more, or are more indifferent to everything you talk about, or perhaps they start nagging you more. The point is that now they're starting to resent you until you either break up with them, question about it and they say "I think we should see other people" or they will be happy they were able to deal with it.

 

Now this sounds bad doesn't it? That the one you love has been slowly resenting you behind your back and didn't have the nerve to tell you. My brother said it's a good way of making it easier for you to deal with, as it just doesn't matter in the end and they will usually worry about the dumpee as it can usually come as a surprise. But at this point they have really lost all feelings and to them it's over, which is why if there's someone else that's interested in them, they have no problems getting involved really quickly. I of course got sick to my stomach as this sounded A LOT like me and my ex. So I figured I should just let it go and say "well screw it then!" because he made a lot of sense. I mean what could I do? It was obvious at this point that she was only worried about me because she knows I'd have a hard time dealing with it, but she doesn't really care as her feelings are gone for me. I then explained to my brother the connection me and my ex shared and everythingt hat we had talked about and basically what I felt was so different about my relationship with her and he said he didn't know what to say as it was a different situation. He then went to say that well you shouldn't do anything that will get you hurt again, but you never know what she is thinking. The truth is, is that there's A LOT of potential out there ot love someone and really you can fall in love with someone, BUT it's near impossible to find someone who connects so well on all levels and is almost the same as you, but different enough to complement each other. He went to say that although it's selfish, a small amount of people will get back together in the end once the dumper figures out that what they really have been missing out on is nothing. I said that makes sense.

 

So to all who are still reading this I hope this doesn't shatter your dreams of getting back with your ex, but understand that if you've been through a situation like mine, it's NOT going to happen anytime soon if not at all. I hate to get your hopes down, but my hope is diminishing into nothing, however I wonder as this new guy she is with is like me but he has red hair like she always wanted and the fact that he isn't me. Meaning nothing bad really, but the fact that he's new and fresh and may not have had the same emotional problems as I had, but I've gotten over them and this guy may get it even worse than me, you just don't know. So where I love her enough to let her go as I trust she knows what she is doing, I still feel some part inside of me is saying that the chances of it working between her and this new guy are slim. I know for a fact she has not thought everything through, she has only focused on the bad of the relationship so there's really no way of knowing whether or not she remembers the good stuff.

 

I hope in all of my rambling something good was to come of it.

[kipster]

Hey all,

I had a nice long talk with my brother on the phone, both of us being analytical, logical and scientific kind of people, we like to understand why things happen the way they do and the reaction afterwards.... So to all who are still reading this I hope this doesn't shatter your dreams of getting back with your ex, but understand that if you've been through a situation like mine, it's NOT going to happen anytime soon if not at all. I hate to get your hopes down, but my hope is diminishing into nothing, however I wonder as this new guy she is with is like me but he has red hair like she always wanted and the fact that he isn't me.

 

First and foremost, I'd say that trying to analyze the art of love with an analytica, logical, and scientific approach is like trying to study the solar system with a magnifying glass. Its not the best approach. For instance, its real hard for a male to understand what a female is thinking since many of us try to put on our logical and rational hat to try to get a read on what a woman may be experiencing emotionally. In my experience, its like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole at best. Many times, for a guy the best person to ask about why an Ex GF is feeling the way she is, is to ask another woman! Even logic would tell you that. I too have seen many relationships that were destined to work fizzle, while those that seemed destined to fizzle, have flourished. So its not an exact science at all.

 

I do think you make a good point with about how long it takes for an Ex to contact you. Generally it doesn't happen right away though we all would like it to. Especially in a long term relationship, it seems like we expect a change overnight, when we fail to realize that it took time to get to this point and only time will be able to give both people a chance to gain valuable insight into what they want. But what I would encourage everyone to do in this situation, which I myself have been in for a bit, is to really ask yourself do you really want to be with person X because you love them and want them to be with you or are you simply scared to be alone? And take some time to think about it. If its the former, then pursue them but do so with your head, not with your heart. Because the begging and pleading route seems to never work.

 

Also remain optimistic which every direction you choose to take, because nothing seems to come to a pessimist--Kind of like the phenomenon where a person who doesn't know (or doesn't believe) they have a disease lives what seems like forever, whereas the person that simply quits seems to die the next day. In most cases, what attracted your EX to you was your confidence and belief in yourself. So if your saying forget it, then what does that say to them? Now I'm not saying be a fool and stop your life for them? No that's not using your head. But, have fun, go out with others, stop answering all of their calls, and use your time for self-improvement as other threads have said here.

[DragonGirl724]

well max,

 

we spoke & im glad uve found means to move on, but i cant help but ask... what about those who get back together? i know ppl who broke up for years & are now married! how do we know if our exs are resenting us? and when do u think is time to call it quits?? when does your emotions go from "not giving up on love" to "false hopes" to "F-it!"...???

 

and my best friend & i spoke today & she said dont think David doesnt love u anymore, youre a girl tryin to get into the brain of a guy. its not the same thing...do u think b/c your brother is well, a GUY maybe he looks at it differently than your ex, whos obviously a girl...lol

 

-DG724

[Mix Maxster]

Ya, I see exactly what you're saying Kipster. I am very much aware of the fact that it isn't healthy or good in any way to try and think like the other person. As yes, you are not them so you can never know 100% if what you're thinking is what they're thinking. I guess what I meant by it, was that we try to understand ourselves and our purpose in all of it. What it is we are to do and what the potential outcome may be. As for the other part at which I meant, I meant that I like to gather information from other sources to gain more insight into the situation. It's impossible to tell for sure what the ex is thinking for the simple fact that we are not them. I find though, that some people will act differently in situations, so you can get a BETTER understanding of the situation by taking the two sides and understanding their views and such. So really it's not good to try and think what the other person is thinking, but you can take a better approach to things.

 

As for what you had said about the X, wondering if you want them back. I feel I have come to a VERY GOOD realization and it comes to the point where the ex may be too late to pursue me again. Basically there's an understanding I have based on the evidence, I don't know for sure if it's how she feels or is thinking, but it makes the most sense. As for what I wanted to say, ok I feel that OFTEN times the one to appreciate relationships more and to come to an understanding a lot sooner is the dumpee. They're usually the ones that gets really scewed over by the dumper because they're still in love with the other are they not??? I mean I had NO idea my ex would ever stop loving me like she did, I felt that me and her connected on so many levels and completed each other so well that I felt that we were to be together in the end. When I found out that she wanted to break up I was completely crushed! The dreams of owning a studio together, the dreams of sharing the same room, the dreams of marrying each other was instantly torn out of my butt. Who doesn't go through this realization when this sort of thing happens?

 

Now for the other point, THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULDN'T DO is be so hard on yourself! I mean chances are you can have a lot to do with it, BUT they have a part in it too. Afterall it's not like they really faught for it when they started feeling the way they did. They allowed themselves to fall out of love with you, but if they REALLY loved what you two had i'm sure they'd kick themselves in the butt for letting you go. So now it comes to what Kipster was asking about, do you really want X back? That depends, I find that me personally, I have learnt to grow as a person and have come to a stronger realization of what relationships should be about. I think that the dumpee usually has this opportunity as they have lost the one they loved, as the dumper doesn't want the dumpee anymore as they're looking for what they want. So the dumpee figures out who they would want, what went wrong in their past relationship, what to do in the next one and if they'd ever want their ex back!

 

Now on to wanting your ex back, why would one want their ex back? Well there's many reasons, 1) afraid of being alone, 2) afraid of losing their ex after they feel they made the mistakes, 3) feel like they were the one that lost their soul mate due to their own doing and will never forgive themselves unless the ex comes back, 4) that their ex really was someone that they'd ever look for and know that they REALLY CAN find someone else to love, but it wouldn't be the same.

 

So what are we to do? I figure that what a lot of people have been sayign makes a lot of sense and that you really should be focusing on yourself and taking the time to yourself. I cannot believe the way my ex and her new fling was treating me, I was telling them that my ex had to make the effort to make it up to me and they thought I was tryign to verbally abuse her. I mean in all honesty, it was unfair to me and I really got HURT in this and they figure I should be friends because she's willing ot do it. I didn't very much appreciate that and I haven't really spoken to my ex in a while. However this doesn't mean I have given up and it doesn't mean that I'm sitting here wondering when she's going to call because I HOPE she doesn't call AS OF YET. Why? because NOT enough time has passed and I am still going through a huge life change. I'd fear that my ex would come back in desperation and not really have as good an understanding of relationships as I feel I do. I want it to work between my ex and I for what I feel are the right reasons. I cannot speak for her, but I know that we feed off each others wants and inspirations and hopes and dreams so well that we never were in much disagreement. That's what I feel felt different about me and her, which is why we both connected so quickly.

 

What am I to do now? Nothing as there really isn't anything I can do. I AM however in control of me and thereforeee can look after myself. If there was somethign I felt I messed up on, instead of blaming myself I will do my damndest to fix that so IN CASE she does come back, she'll find me more perfect. Also if I end up with someone else, they'll be happy I'm not like that. As much as I feel I had done my fair share of messing up in the relationship and I COULD go so far to say that I may have been 90% of the problem, I know that if I do what I have to now to fix myself up, that my ex would notice it if she cared to come back, but the point is that when SOMEONE loves you and I mean REALLY loves you, they will want to come back regardless. They may doubt it again, but if it IS different the next time around, they may want to stay for good. Which is why some second chances work for good. This will sound a little absurd and farfetched, but I feel that it was necessary for this to happen, I feel I had some problems with myself that I wasn't goign to deal with and that my ex had her problems that SHE wouldn't have dealt with, so we were broken apart so we could fix what was tearing us apart. If I force myself to hate her or tell myself "man she is worse off without me" or anythign that soudns childish and immature, well then I will end up without her. But if I tell myself I am unsure of what is to become of me and her and to not get involved with her relationships then it may work out.

 

Now there's the fear that I have that in her mind it is over and she never intends on coming back ever and that after all these realizations that I have made, it won't make a difference in the end. That I will have to live with the fact that I messed up and she's not ever coming back. The point is, that this is very well true. Chances are in her mind it IS over and she doesn't intend on getting back right now, but this is where true love is put on the line. I feel that she will give her go at new relationships and will always wonder about me and maybe through the grapevine she will hear I became everythign she thought I couldn't be and will then kick herself for have given up. She may think of her life, if she isn't with anyone, and wonder how SHE could have been so stupid to give up and may hate herself. THIS IS far fetched, but it's possible as well.

 

I guess what I am trying to see is the following, that it isn't helping you grow or mature or become BETTER as a person if you're hurting yourself by hating you for losing the one you'd EVER want to love. That isn't how you will get them back and you won't be able to move on if you're so desperately wanting the ex back. You have to let them go in hopes that they WILL come back and that you may never see them ago either. So as weird as that sounds, you basically have to trust your ex. It's a HUGE THING to do, but really you have to trust your instincts that you can let go in hopes they will come back and that you may also never see them again and will you be happy with that? You don't have much control in the matter and you can't sit here and hurt yourself. If you love yourself, your ex will love you. If you forgive your ex, they may forgive you. If you TRUST your ex, they will try not to let you down. If it's you they want, they will always love you. It's what drew you two together in the first place that will have you back in each others arms in the end. Now believe that, don't hurt yourself, live your life and grow!

[kipster]

Ya, I see exactly what you're saying Kipster. I am very much aware of the fact that it isn't healthy or good in any way to try and think like the other person. As yes, you are not them so you can never know 100% if what you're thinking is what they're thinking. I guess what I meant by it, was that we try to understand ourselves and our purpose in all of it. ... I find though, that some people will act differently in situations, so you can get a BETTER understanding of the situation by taking the two sides and understanding their views and such....

 

Wow, you said a mouthful there but I read it all! Anyways, I'm just saying the art of Love is not an exact science and you could have learned what makes your EX feel loved and great and that could be the exact opposite to what your new girl likes to make her feel desired. So these 'facts' (and I use the term loosely) that we learn are really person specific and every relationship is different. That's why sometimes the more we know about a relationship, the more we don't know.

 

As for what you had said about the X, wondering if you want them back. I feel I have come to a VERY GOOD realization and it comes to the point where the ex may be too late to pursue me again....I cannot believe the way my ex and her new fling was treating me, I was telling them that my ex had to make the effort to make it up to me and they thought I was tryign to verbally abuse her. I mean in all honesty, it was unfair to me and I really got HURT in this and they figure I should be friends because she's willing ot do it. I didn't very much appreciate that and I haven't really spoken to my ex in a while. However this doesn't mean I have given up and it doesn't mean that I'm sitting here wondering when she's going to call because I HOPE she doesn't call AS OF YET!

 

Excellent! Then you've pondered the notion that whether your Ex comes back or not may be more your decision than it is hers, which I support fully. I see you also noted that they treated you poorly, but I would personally wouldn't have thought they (especially the new guy) would have treated you well anyway. That's just typical BF/EX BF behavior and to be expected. But I do applaud the fact that you've decided to move on and that if she comes back, on your terms, then you might consider it. I'm there with you on that.

[ravens_folly]

Well I just wanted to say that yes it is impossible to know what the other person's thinking. But there are so many reasons and happenings for people breaking up. sometimes its not worth getting back, and sometimes it really would be.

I know in my situation, my ex wouldn't tell me the whole reason for breaking up with me. He tried to tell me he didn't have enough time for me, and that he didn't think he was being fair to me. And i didn't understand it. But then I realized it was because i was getting mad at him for not doing the things I wanted him to do with me, and he didn't have the time to do all the things I wanted. And because I got mad at him, he must hav felt as though he could never give me what I wanted and decided it would be better to let me go. I know he didn't really want to break up with me because he said if there was a chance we could work it out, maybe he'd try, but he told me he couldn't see anyway, I finally I understood where he was coming from. I made a big mess and pushed him away by trying to get him to take me back. but there was no point, cause I wasn't any different!! SO finally I apologized to him for all my actions, and I know it made him feel better, and he said we could be friends and I could call him once in awhile. So, obviously to me he's left the door slightly open. I think there is a chance for me.

I was lucky I figured out where I went wrong before I made it even worse. Now there is a dim chance.

 

Now does everyone have those chances?? no. I am lucky that I have a situation I can possible work towards. I don't think I would even try if I didn't feel there was any possible way.

 

What I'm trying to say is, that if you have figured out where you went wrong, and you think that the whole relationship is worth fixing maybe it is. But everyone needs to look at their situation first and see where it goes.

I don't know for sure if it will work, but I can try, but I am not going to stomp my way through trying to make it work, if I can see that he clearly doesn't want me anymore.

It may take a long time, and it probably will. But I know in my situation that I have to be the one to do something, otherwise he just won't. It was the same way when I first met him to go out with him. I had to be the one that started the whole initiation. He got into though once he realized that I really did like him.

 

Its best really to look at it from both sides and decide to the best of your ability what you can do. Even if the best thing you can do it just talk to your ex to decide what went really wrong and how it could have been worked out so you don't make the same mistakes next time may be good enough.

 

Love is so complicated!!!

[DragonGirl724]

'ditto' to everything Raven said.

[Mix Maxster]

Raven,

You hit the nail on the head (or whatever the expression is lol). In all honesty that's the same approach I am taking. TO ME I feel it's healthy and I feel there's a chance for many reasons. I do not know for certain whether or not she'll come back, but I know she has been distracting herself from me and it's only a matter of time before she starts thinking about me. I may be wrong, but she has been partying ever since we broke up. I know my reasons for wanting her back and it's based on the fact I feel I have a good understanding of relationships. I feel that the dumpee has that opportunity as they didn't break up with the ex, the ex did broke up with them. So the dumpee is left to move on and it's that hard. Which is why I feel I have that understanding that I don't feel my ex does. Now as much as she caused a lot of the pain, I know now why it is I would ever want her back, but I know that she won't make any moves I have to do it myself. Not anything against her, but she spent all that time losing her feelings for me I doubt she would make any moves. Maybe because she would feel guilty for causing that pain, or maybe because she gave up too quickly. In any case, time will tell.

[ravens_folly]

good post mix!

 

I agree with you, in that the dumpee probably does have a better chance to make it work than with the dumper wanting to get back....

Dumpers figure that they did it for the right reasons, or felt that they didn't have a choice or things weren't going the way they wanted to. I think most often they don't want to go back on what they said, but for fear of being rejected (I mean who would want to go back with someone who broke their heart, is what I can imagine they think) or they are too proud to admit they were wrong. Now of course this isn't always true.

 

But if they can see that the dumpee still loves them after all they have been through and is acting like the person they loved before... (with a few improvement in some important cases) then they might want to reconsider.

 

And usually... I find that if there is a significant noticeable change in the persons behavior. it is a sign that the whole breakup is affecting them in some way. Obviously if they were really happy with the decision and it was exactly what they wanted and they were sure of it... then they would be fine, they would probably interact with you as a normal friend (like they would have before you went out).

 

I know with my other ex, I dumped him, but I was happy with the decision and it didn't really bother me at all. I mean I felt bad for him yes, and I did love him, but it wasn't the love I wanted and I didn't want him. No one noticed any change in my behavior and I was the same person pretty much as I was before.

Now my ex wanted me back, but I had no intentions of getting back with him, so I blocked him completely from my msn/icq and didn't reply to his emails. I asked for some stuff back which he never did give to me, but oh well whatever.

 

Now my ex I have now, that I want back.... he has had noticeable behavioral change when I was there. Not talking to me, trying to avoid me, he was somewhat cranky there it seemed... and this was before apology. After apology he was obviously in a good mood after i talked to him, and then his sister told me he was in a really good mood that night.

Now I seen him just this past weekend and although he didn't actually say anything, this time he actually could stand to be in my presense and acknowledged I was there, he even sat and watched tv with us... which he wouldn't even want to be in the same room with me before.

 

Now if I didn't matter to him at all, or what I said didn't matter, then would it have made that kind of a noticeable difference? I don't think so.

really our actions show our feelings, no matter how hard we try to hide it.

Now I can go around in circles analyzing everything that happened, but I should basically stick to the main areas here.

 

So yes, if you see things that are positive in your favor look at those.

There is always a chance as long as the two of you are alive and the person hasn't directly said to your face that they don't want you anymore and they don't want to talk to you ever again, and has severed all ties with you.

 

Some people will be able to get their ex back faster than others, and it will be a lot of work, but imagine just how muuch all this work will be worth if you get them back and can make the relationship stronger and better than it was before!! So don't give up if there is a chance! The easy thing to do is quit, and you may find someone else. But if in your heart you know for good reasons this person is right for you, and your right for them.... then keep trying!

[just jeff]

I think you're totally right, the advantage always goes to the dumper and the dumpee has to figure out how they are to move on… alone. I am by nature an optimist, so I want to believe she return and realize our love was a true love. But now to work on myself… not for her, but for me.

 

I do not know how I will continue in life now, she was that mush a part of me. I wish her the best in her new relationship… she knows in her heart it isn't what she is making it out to be… but it's a safe relationship… I just need to use NC and see what happens… it's just like a part of me is dead… I wish you all the best in the world….

[Mix Maxster]

Just Jeff,

 

I feel you man, I'm goign through the same kind of situation. My ex jumped on the train to this new guy when he came around, it was predictable really. I mean she was losing her feeligns for me and started developing feeligns for this new guy then when he admits them BOOM she goes straight to him. I feel it's just puppy love and all, but I don't know if it WILL work for them. I just don't know, but my love is deep enough to let her go and if she's happy with this new guy, i wish her all the best. Afterall I gave up my feelings for her before, so my friend could go out with her, I can do it again. Don't get the wrong idea, i didn't tell my friend it's ok.. he just didn't know I liked her and it wouldn't have been fair to admit any feelings and plus I'm better than that!

 

Unfortunately nice guys do finish last, but that doesn't mean I don't end up with her. It's hard to say if she'll come back, but I'll always be by her side. I wish everyone the best in their quest to get back with their ex. I know I need the luck too, but i'm not counting on her coming back. I may have made all the mistakes, but that's something I don't know for sure. I will not beat myself up over it and I know how great i am and wouldn't do that to myself. I'm goign to change me for me and the next girl that comes aroudn will be glad she has me and that could even be my ex!

[taytay]

Me and my girlfriend just broke up after 3 months of a wonderful relationship. What I don't get is that the reason of the break-up was that she started having feelings for my good friend (they went out for 2 years). I really want her back and it's only been 1 day since we broke up. Right now she's st school so I have plenty of time to think because I'm suspended because i got into a fight because some kid was making fun of her. SUM1 PLZ HELP ME!