can getting back together work if your ex lied?

[sandrawg]

I'm starting to think it's almost impossible to get back together when there was lying in the relationship.

 

My bf lied to me about his ex-it's too much to go into. We've been back together the last 2 months and things had been great, and he was making some serious changes with his life, but I am having trouble trusting. Last night we got into a big fight and I brought up a bunch of stuff from the past.

 

I just don't even know how to get past what he did.

 

It's something for all of ya'al who are dying to get back together with your ex...think about what tore you apart in the first place. Is it something you really think you can overcome? And maybe you need a plan for how you are going to forgive and put all of it past you.

[glegend]

The one thing to think about is if he lied to you in the past, whats stopping him from telling a lie in the present/future?

 

If he has really seen what he's done in the past and make chances to better himself as a person and changes his was well I guess it possible to be able to get back together.

 

I think in the end it really depends what the ex did. If they cheated and lied about it then I say its not worth getting back together. One a lier and a cheater, always a lier and cheater.

[sandrawg]

Yeah, it makes it really hard to trust.

 

He saw her once, behind my back, and lied about it, but I'm not sure if anything happened. She told ME that he lied to her and said we were broken up, at the time.

 

We've only been back together 2 months, and he's made SIGNIFICANT changes--we used to have problems because he drank and parties too much-he's cut down on that a LOT. As for the ex, I think what is bothering me is that, the last time we broke up over his drinking, he immediately contacted her. He swears it's cuz he ran into her over the weekend that we ended it, and he felt bad for what he put her through, and wanted to apologize.

 

I can't help thinking, feel BAD for what he put HER though? The b*tch wouldn't leave him alone, full well knowing he had a girlfriend! Not sure what there is to feel sorry about, esp since he claims she lied to me so much about stuff he said to her. If I were him I'd be mad. But the fact that he wanted to reconnect their friendship, makes me think she probably WASN'T lying. Which leads me to seriously distrust my bf.

 

The one thing to think about is if he lied to you in the past, whats stopping him from telling a lie in the present/future?

 

If he has really seen what he's done in the past and make chances to better himself as a person and changes his was well I guess it possible to be able to get back together.

 

I think in the end it really depends what the ex did. If they cheated and lied about it then I say its not worth getting back together. One a lier and a cheater, always a lier and cheater.

[lana111]

i think it will work if you can forgive him and he makes an effort to show you how/why he wouldnt do such a thing again. otherwise, i think its a waste of your time.

[sandrawg]

How can he show me or prove to me that he wouldn't do it again?

[lana111]

well, since i dont know exactly what the issue is i cant give specifics... but just being open to you. no hiding of emails or his phone. always doing or being what/where he says he is. having everything he says being backed up by actions...

[sandrawg]

Thanks. So far, he has done all of those things, but it's only been 2 months. Maybe I need a longer track record.

 

well, since i dont know exactly what the issue is i cant give specifics... but just being open to you. no hiding of emails or his phone. always doing or being what/where he says he is. having everything he says being backed up by actions...

[HeartGoesOn]

How can he show me or prove to me that he wouldn't do it again?

 

 

The only person that can honestly answer that is him.

[glegend]

It very hard. You want to give the benefit of the doubt, but its hard to knowing his history.

 

He saw her once, I guess its ok, but the fact tha he lied about it is what makes it bad. Which makes you wonder, he saw her once, or did he see more then once? Plus the fac that he lied to her.

 

Good to hear that he's made changes like that. It has probably come to his realization that he needs to change his ways. You probably meant a lot to him and had a significant impact on his life, and when you guys were split it, it made him realize that if he doesn't change his ways he will keep loosing women like you.

 

As for him contacting her right away, I don't know what to say, Maybe he was looking for her to take him back. I would wonder too, what the other was put thorugh. At the same time she didn't back off knowing he's taken.

[sandrawg]

He said he was sorry for putting her through "all the drama".

 

Sometimes he insinuates the drama was caused by me. The drama was, he decided after hooking up with her for a month, that he wanted to get back together with me. So he ditched her but forgot to tell her that he and I got back together, for about 3 weeks. I accidentally saw a text msg from her on his phone and went nuts, cuz he had promised me he'd get rid of her.

 

We argued and eventually he told her the truth. In the meantime, I found out he had been contacting her behind my back and lied to me about it, leading up to our breakup.

 

Later, I found out by accident yet AGAIN (don't tell me fate doesn't lead us to find out things we'd rather not know), that he had met up with her at a bar with his friends, about a month or so before we broke up. I contacted her to get the truth. She told me he had lied to her and said he and I were broken up. She said that when they hooked up during our break-up, he talked about moving in with her.

 

When he finally got rid of her he told her "it didn't matter if he was with me or not, but that he needed to put the past in the past" with her and that they both needed to move on.

 

Then 4 months ago, he and I broke up again (it's always over drinking), over drinking, and he apparently saw her in a bar, felt bad, and contacted her the next day. Even Facebook friended her. Ironically, that's how he and I ended up back together-I found out about this and went ballistic, asking how could he friend her after everything she did?

 

Then he said, he'd been going to therapy, and stopped drinking, and had realized how much I meant to him and wanted to try again.

 

And after 2 months, we were happy for the first time.

 

But I lost my job and some other stresses occurred, and it all kind of came to a head last night.

 

I hope all this information isn't too overwhelming.

[sandrawg]

I just have to say...it's SO hard. You love someone and you want to give them another chance, but when they've lied, it's hard not to question what they tell you.

 

He hasn't lied to me that I know of, not once, nor given me reason for suspicion in the 2 months we've been back together. But when I think about what happened with the ex, it just makes me wonder how we can move past it.

[Ashley1640]

My husband and I were married for 10 months when he started cheating on me. It was lie after lie after lie after lie with him. He even lied to the other girl - telling her that his marriage was over even though at that point we were still together (i did not know about her til later). After months and months of back and forth BS, I finally threw in the towel. We were separated for a year and we didn't talk to one another unless I was screaming at him to get the divorce, or he was crying to me telling me how sorry he was and missed me. So that year went by, and I was miserable. I finally called him up and said, FINE, let's do this.. but we're doing it my way. I layed down some "rules", as he did too, and we worked past it. We've now been married for 3 and a half years and have a beautiful 4 month old daughter.. and we're extremely happy!

 

So, how did I get over the lies? I told myself - "If I'm going to stay in this marriage, if I'm going to expect him to be faithful and only be with me.. then I need to do MY best and give him what he deserves(of course after he's proven it) and trust him." Granted, the first 6months were pretty rough, BUT, my husband completely understood. Now, he would get irritated time and time again with me for not 'hurrying up', but he alwaysssssss talked to me about it. He worked with me. He would bring up the obvious - he's home every night after work, he doesnt protect his phone or computer, hes not distracted, etc etc.. and it really helped me see past it.

You will never forget what he did to you. Ever. I still haven't forgotten.. But I forgave. My husband is my life, and if I wanted to have my life I had to get over it. I wanted to be happy, not anxious and scared all the time.

 

You love him, right? That should be enough, just jump already! If he does it again, if you get hurt again? YOU WILL LIVE, and you WILL get over it. But girl, you will never truly be happy unless you give in and trust. What's the point of love if all you feel is stress and anxiety?

 

I wish you the best.. it's a hard journey, but well worth it.

[thebluest]

I'm coming from the perspective of a liar, and someone whose boyfriend has forgiven her, worked things out together and we're stronger because of it. Not necessarily because this happens as a general rule, because my case was different and rather more complicated. My lies didn't involve cheating, we were both faithful to each other, but I was dishonest about other aspects of my life because I was ashamed of them. Maybe that's a different sort of scenario entirely from cheating and lying about it. I wasn't unhappy about our relationship, I was unhappy with myself at the time and perhaps he thought that that was something he could overcome and help me work on.

 

It wasn't something I expected from just anyone, and some people just can't get over a dishonest partner. It comes down to whether you can understand their reasons for dishonesty, and whether you can personally overcome the feelings of being betrayed.

[sandrawg]

He lied because he didn't take our relationship seriously at the time. So I think he thought it was ok to just sneak around with his ex behind my back.

 

So tonight, he came to my place and grabbed some of his stuff so he could spend the night at his own place-he may even spend the weekend there. He says he needs space to think about things. Agh, this is so hard, because I don't want to lose him.

 

So many times I took him back after he lied or hid things-I wish he could understand that it's hard for me to be as trusting as he wants me to be. I think he has trouble putting himself in my shoes. I'm not saying that excuses my angry outburst, but it's not easy for me to just put all the mess from the past aside-I think it is going to take me more time.

[sandrawg]

Just wanted to add, Ashley, thanks so much for your story. And bluest, it's nice to have the other side's perspective.

 

I guess 2 months of stellar behavior has given me hope I can trust him, but I am still trying to figure out, do we have compatible values? Were the past 2 yrs of lies and broken promises mistakes? Or is he someone who has trouble being honest?

 

Maybe he was someone who had trouble but is earnestly trying to change that. If this is the case, I need to figure out how to stop belaboring the past and punishing him for things he did long ago.