Does this ever work out?

[MountainGuy3]

Hey everybody,

 

Long time since I've posted here, good to be back.

 

So, I've had my share of relationships over the past few years, and I seem to be noticing a trend - Maybe it's good, maybe not.

 

Things always start normally - Boy meets girl, they flirt, get to know eachother, go out, see eachother regularly/date, etc.

 

But, there's always a twist. I always seem to become attracted to somewhat religious girls. I don't even know this about the woman in question until the second or third date, when the topic usually surfaces.

 

The problem is that I don't subscribe to any specific religion, and it seems to keep getting in the way. I consider myself spiritual, but agnostic. I just can't seem to buy into the dogmatic prescriptions offered by most organized religions.

 

I don't mind at all if the person I'm seeing has strong beliefs, or non-existent beliefs when it comes to religion. In fact, I seem to enjoy talking about it with them, and learning about their thoughts - I feel it's something good to share and relate with. I also genuinely appreciate some of the personality traits that tend to accompany these girls: They are usually non-judgemental, caring, good listeners, value morality and ethics, and *ahem* not "loose."

 

It seems that they are really bothered by the fact that I don't actively practice a religion, and am not a part of a church or society. It's like I'm no good, despite caring about them, treating them well, and valuing many of the same things they do in life.

 

I really don't get it. Are these values, and being an agnostic mutually exclusive traits in people?

 

It always comes up the same way. After a period of time where it seems like no problem, and we become close, the issue pops up. "We should talk about something... It's really important to me that I am with somebody who shares the same beliefs as I do. We get along really well, and I do like you, but I can't let myself have feelings for somebody like you." This happened to me with a girl who I really fell for, only to have her break it off after a number of years together. I found out a while later that she's going to be marrying a guy she dated for a year, who apparently shares her same beliefs. It's pretty clear what was missing with me based on what she said when we broke up

 

Sigh. It's not like I go looking for these types of women (consciously, at least... Who knows what my subconscious is doing?). It seems like I'm attracted to them, and them to me... But there's always this inherent deal breaker looming.

 

I guess that the root of my question is if anybody has ever had a long-term relationship work out when one person is religious, and the other is agnostic (and accepting of the religion, but not an active participant)?

 

I wouldn't even be posting about this, save for the fact that the pattern seems to keep repeating.

 

Any thoughts? Thanks to everybody who takes the time to read and respond

[Kerrian]

I've had a very nice long-term relationship with someone who was an Anglican, when I'm an atheist. There were a couple of issues telling his family that I'm not even a little religious - they're very involved with the church so although it was obvious they would have preferred him to find a nice Christian girl, it wasn't a dealbreaker. They didn't approve of me tons, I don't think...but it didn't matter to him at all.

 

To him, there was no problem at all. It came up a few times in conversation, and we had some pretty interesting talks about our beliefs and feelings - I told him that I respected his beliefs and found them interesting and he just accepted that I think differently.

 

So yes, it can work out. As long as the person you're with can do the same thing you can and be accepting of your different beliefs. You can be supportive and accepting without believing the same thing, after all.

[MountainGuy3]

Well, that's good to hear!

 

Would you say that there is any key to sustaining a mixed-belief relationship? Obviously, one can't "make" a relationship work, but it seems like this keeps coming up... and I'm not doing anything differently, so maybe the problem is on my end.

 

I mean, is it possible that I'm not making it clear that I respect their choices and have interest in sharing their experiences? I just am not at a point (and maybe never will be) where I can buy the supernatural pretenses put forth by most organized religions.

 

I certainly don't think less of them because of their beliefs, but is it possible that they think I do?

 

Maybe I'm just meeting the wrong women, haha.

[Kerrian]

I found that after we had a proper discussion about it, sat down and told one another what we actually believed and talked about the other person's beliefs and religion - we were able to move forward from there and it never really came up as a problem from then on as we both knew where the other person stood.

 

I, although I don't follow a religion myself, got to know the university chaplain, who is also an Anglican - and ended up discussing some things with him as well, which also made me more comfortable attending some of the chaplaincy events - as I could be there as a friend as opposed to as a Christian.

 

But in general - what makes it work is respect from both sides, and you just need to find somebody who can respect your beliefs as well as expecting you to respect theirs.

[Ms Darcy]

Well ... is it possible that I'm not making it clear that I respect their choices and have interest in sharing their experiences? I just am not at a point (and maybe never will be) where I can buy the supernatural pretenses put forth by most organized religions.

 

I certainly don't think less of them because of their beliefs, but is it possible that they think I do?

 

Maybe I'm just meeting the wrong women, haha.

 

I think it's possible that you are not realizing that you need to find out what they believe upfront, make your beliefs clear upfront, and say that you will not change in no uncertain terms.

 

I suspect that they spend some time thinking that you are fantastic and hoping that you will change. You can't change them and they can't change you.

[mca1975]

I can't say that I have ever had issues with religion before. I consider myself to have Christian values and just choose to treat people in a nice way, I don't need to have a religion or go to church to be like that. If anyone had a problem with that, I don't think I could go out with them. I don't think it really matters. But obviously, if there were strong beliefs that different and that became a problem, then it probably just wouldn't work out.