My girlfriend said she is not horny anymore

[iridethedirt]

My favorite thing is reading relationship advice from 22 year old guys who reccomend secretly looking into the pasts of your girlfriend to determine what their problem is based on actions in the past... I am a married man, been together for over 7 years, the amount of what I know is based on my experiances, and what I have seen happen with others. Not once has dishonesty, or a lack of trust helped a situation with a relationship. Honesty and open communication is what helps. When relationships cannot find a way to have that open and honest communication, they all eventually fail. Bottom line, if you do not trust, and cannot be honest with your SO, your relationship will eventually fail.

I have heard funny stories that included people thinking they were being cheated on, so they do things like hack email accounts, only to find out that their SO was planning a big surprise for them... So mistrust ruins a surprise and hurts the trust they shared... Good luck snooping behind your girlfriends backs, I am sure it will help you learn to communicate and trust each other.

[Iakasot]

Are you kidding me? You're acting as if I'm giving advice that will help improve the relationship, based on what you've seen other guys my age post. You're immediately dismissing my ideas and shielding yourself from them. How can my posts be your favorite part of ENA if you haven't even paid enough attention to the content to understand them and get my point. I acknowledged the relationship was over because she didn't want him anymore, and offered advice on how he could start getting over her and end it in a way that benefits him.

 

I have life experience too, and I've seen plenty from other people's relationships, so don't act like you being older and being married somehow makes you better than me.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Are you kidding me? You're acting as if I'm giving advice that will help improve the relationship, based on what you've seen other guys my age post. You're immediately dismissing my ideas and shielding yourself from them. How can my posts be your favorite part of ENA if you haven't even paid enough attention to the content to understand them and get my point. I acknowledged the relationship was over because she didn't want him anymore, and offered advice on how he could start getting over her and end it in a way that benefits him.

 

I have life experience too, and I've seen plenty from other people's relationships, so don't act like you being older and being married somehow makes you better than me.

 

And from the OP's update, it's not over and things seem to be fine now.

[Iakasot]

And from the OP's update, it's not over and things seem to be fine now.

 

I saw the update today, I still think the flakiness of her sexual desire will be the downfall of a relationship. A remission isn't a complete recovery. Sex is obviously important to him, and these types of problems with lack of desire recur, especially as the relationship goes on for longer. I would've said "what? how long till you don't want me anymore? every day i keep thinking about how you'll lose attraction again, and this time for good, and i'll be left out in the cold. no, i can't do this anymore" and ended it.

[hexaemeron]

I saw the update today, I still think the flakiness of her sexual desire will be the downfall of a relationship. A remission isn't a complete recovery. Sex is obviously important to him, and these types of problems with lack of desire recur, especially as the relationship goes on for longer. I would've said "what? how long till you don't want me anymore? every day i keep thinking about how you'll lose attraction again, and this time for good, and i'll be left out in the cold. no, i can't do this anymore" and ended it.

 

So the partner makes a real effort to be accommodating, and you'd still dump her out of insecurity? That doesn't seem constructive.

[Iakasot]

So the partner makes a real effort to be accommodating, and you'd still dump her out of insecurity? That doesn't seem constructive.

 

Okay, if she brings up something like that I'd say "What? don't try to think you're doing me a favor by having sex with me again. The inherent nature of the situation is, I want you by default, and you don't want me by default, and if you have to feel like you're doing me a favor for us to have sex, we're obviously in the wrong relationship and aren't equal partners. Yeah, I'm insecure. Yeah, it's a turn-off for you, but it's time to call it quits, because despite you having many flaws, they don't turn me off, and it's not fair that I'm in a position where it's the case that my flaws are a turn-off, despite me having less flaws. Trust me, even though I'm breaking up with you, this break-up would be harder for me, because I'm still attracted to you, and you'll have more options for dating than me after the relationship ends, plus the way I'm acting right now being a turn-off will further make it easier for you, because it's easier to get over someone toward whom your feelings come and go, come and go, as opposed to being constant like mine, and with the addition of that turn-off, you're set. It's cake. Have a nice life."

 

...i dunno, something like that would work.

[hexaemeron]

wow.

[Iakasot]

wow.

It's reasonable, makes no sense to be in an unequal and rigged relationship. I think that's something OP understands, but wants her too much to make it a priority, and jumps at any chance of hope and to have her. I used to be like that, but it's the wrong way to approach things, and if you do that, you're with the person for the wrong reasons. However, what I've described is a legitimate reason to end it with someone.

[Ashley1640]

And from the OP's update, it's not over and things seem to be fine now.

 

Words of truth.

[dangletsbang]

All I have to say..is good luck with your future relationship..if you ever have any with that attitude.

[Iakasot]

All I have to say..is good luck with your future relationship..if you ever have any with that attitude.

 

So you think it's unreasonable to want an equal relationship? Doesn't that perpetuate the entitlement attitude that many girls like OP's gf have? Like she feels like he owes it to her to entertain her, but she doesn't have to entertain him. From an avatar that looks like Paris Hilton, I'm going to assume, YES, you feel like women should have an entitlement attitude, and that it's unreasonable for men to want equal relationships.

 

You're also assuming that girls I will date in the future won't have a shred of decency. I expect that some won't, but that doesn't mean that all won't. It only takes one decent person to create a lifelong mate, remember that.

 

And remember, ending relationships is a skill too. You're not breaking someone's heart if she's no longer attracted to you when you dump her.

[dangletsbang]

So you think it's unreasonable to want an equal relationship? Doesn't that perpetuate the entitlement attitude that many girls like OP's gf have? Like she feels like he owes it to her to entertain her, but she doesn't have to entertain him. From an avatar that looks like Paris Hilton, I'm going to assume, YES, you feel like women should have an entitlement attitude, and that it's unreasonable for men to want equal relationships.

 

You're also assuming that girls I will date in the future won't have a shred of decency. I expect that some won't, but that doesn't mean that all won't. It only takes one decent person to create a lifelong mate, remember that.

 

No thanks. My boyfriend and I actually have a very equal relationship..you give and you take..

 

and just because I don't want to have sex one night because maybe I don't feel like it shouldn't lead to a break up, IMO.

[Cognitive_Canine]

What about their relationship is unequal? You are projecting what you think women think onto the OP's partner.

 

Sounds to me like she just got the wits scared out of her due to the pregnancy scare and has been turned off from sex. You cure that with communication and being safer next time, not snooping in people's past and assuming that they are doing it out manipulation.

[Iakasot]

What about their relationship is unequal? You are projecting what you think women think onto the OP's partner.

 

Sounds to me like she just got the wits scared out of her due to the pregnancy scare and has been turned off from sex. You cure that with communication and being safer next time, not snooping in people's past and assuming that they are doing it out manipulation.

 

Remember the posts that talked about how she felt like it was his job to entertain her? That's what I was referring to in my previous post. Sex can fall into the realm of inequality too, obviously if she has it while she doesn't want it, it's a problem, no? I don't think not wanting it here and there is a problem, but when it's consistent, recurrent, and coupled with being otherwise emotionally cold, like I'm sure you know, Cognitive_Canine, from his previous posts, he's described her being that way to him. Suddenly seems a lot more than just a pregnancy scare, doesn't it?

 

You have a preconceived notion of me as someone who projects and doesn't take everything into account. I think I have a good grasp of what kind of girl we're dealing with. Give it a few months.

 

Serial monogamists have hearts too, but that doesn't mean they are always reasonable, and that they have patience enough to stay with someone they're not attracted to for the rest of their life.

 

to Ms. Paris Hilton: If we asked your bf about whether the relationship is equal, his answer could very well be different. Men can be reluctant to speak up on such matters in fears of not getting laid for a while. Doesn't mean they always won't. Sometimes truth is worth taking a risk of a plunge for.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Remember the posts that talked about how she felt like it was his job to entertain her? That's what I was referring to in my previous post. Sex can fall into the realm of inequality too, obviously if she has it while she doesn't want it, it's a problem, no? I don't think not wanting it here and there is a problem, but when it's consistent, recurrent, and coupled with being otherwise emotionally cold, like I'm sure you know, Cognitive_Canine, from his previous posts, he's described her being that way to him. Suddenly seems a lot more than just a pregnancy scare, doesn't it?

 

It's been three weeks. This hasn't been going on for months. They've only been dating for 2. Emotionally distant? I'm not emotionally close at 2 months. I know few people who are.

[Kantriakhor]

Remember the posts that talked about how she felt like it was his job to entertain her? That's what I was referring to in my previous post. Sex can fall into the realm of inequality too, obviously if she has it while she doesn't want it, it's a problem, no? I don't think not wanting it here and there is a problem, but when it's consistent, recurrent, and coupled with being otherwise emotionally cold, like I'm sure you know, Cognitive_Canine, from his previous posts, he's described her being that way to him. Suddenly seems a lot more than just a pregnancy scare, doesn't it?

 

They've been together for two months, on BC for one month, her body (ie hormones) are wreaking havoc on her moods and the pregnancy scare hasn't helped. Once her body has gotten used to the chemicals, or she switches to a new BC, and perhaps once they both mature along with their relationship we can make calls like that but for now, in these precise circumstances, it's too soon to say anything definitive other than they both lack communication skills and the OP either can't get his story straight or his memory is faulty/sporadic, both of which make things suspect but for now the first part of my post stands: the relationship is too new, the girl too unused to the BC, and both of them lack the communication skills necessary to make a relationship work.

 

Sex isn't the only problem here and I would suggest slowing the relationship down a bit until her body/hormones are closer to normal. Keep communicating and remember, the relationship is only a couple months old, if there is a sexual incompatibility that can't be remedied *after* she works out the BC issue then you may need to find a new partner.

[Kantriakhor]

It's been three weeks. This hasn't been going on for months. They've only been dating for 2. Emotionally distant? I'm not emotionally close at 2 months. I know few people who are.

 

To quote Turk from Scrubs:

 

"It's too soon for me to "always" be doing anything!"

[dangletsbang]

 

to Ms. Paris Hilton: If we asked your bf about whether the relationship is equal, his answer could very well be different. Men can be reluctant to speak up on such matters in fears of not getting laid for a while. Doesn't mean they always won't. Sometimes truth is worth taking a risk of a plunge for.

 

to Mr. Unexperienced:

 

So, you're assuming I would withold sex with my boyfriend..just because he's being honest? That's hilarious. I would probably hump him joyfully because he is an honest person. I would love for you to speak with my boyfriend regarding our relationshp - guy on guy even..where i'm not within ear shot. I would never make my boyfriend suffer sexually but I have a high sex drive while many women don't. But even with my high drive, sometimes I'm just not in the mood at all.

 

The OP and his gf have been together TWO MONTHS, quit with the emotional BS. Trey and I had a pregnancy scare when we first started becoming sexually active together..and believe me..I wasn't hot to trot for sex for at least a month..neither was he.

[Iakasot]

It's been three weeks. This hasn't been going on for months. They've only been dating for 2. Emotionally distant? I'm not emotionally close at 2 months. I know few people who are.

SHE was! She was emotionally close to him for a month and a half. She's had sex with him like right away. That doesn't count for anything?

 

If she's distant right now, she can't play the "it's too soon for me to feel close" card, because she's projected that he means everything to her, and if she plays the card mentioned above, she'd be indirectly admitting that she didn't really feel close to him before, and that was just to lure him in and/or to fulfill her early romantic rush fix. We can agree that how fast she moved doesn't designate an emotionally healthy person and doesn't create a healthy relationship, right? or are you just gonna try to pick arbitrary situations that obviously don't apply to their relationship in an attempt to make me look bad?

 

Paris, I did my "research" with post searching, your relationship is far from equal lol. Please don't try to discredit me like that It would help getting the guy's point of view. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if OP's gf thought their relationship was equal. Who would admit to themselves that it's not equal and they have the upper hand? =\

[Cognitive_Canine]

SHE was! She was emotionally close to him for a month and a half. She's had sex with him like right away. That doesn't count for anything?

 

If she's distant right now, she can't play the "it's too soon for me to feel close" card, because she's projected that he means everything to her, and if she plays the card mentioned above, she'd be indirectly admitting that she didn't really feel close to him before, and that was just to lure him in and/or to fulfill her early romantic rush fix. We can agree that how fast she moved doesn't designate an emotionally healthy person and doesn't create a healthy relationship, right? or are you just gonna try to pick arbitrary situations that obviously don't apply to their relationship in an attempt to make me look bad?

 

 

I don't think being emotionally close that soon is realistic nor possible unless they have been friends for quite a while beforehand. And sex right away doesn't really mean that much. It's sex, not a promise nor an emotional connection. They probably think they are emotionally close, much like people who have just met *think* it was love at first sight. Closeness comes with time and experience.

 

And, she doesn't have to be playing any card. And, I'm not trying to make you look bad. I'm keeping the OP from making a rash decision when it doesn't appear to be that kind of situation to me. Pregnancy scares are absolutely horrible. They make you doubt yourself, your lifestyle, and your relationship with your partner. The thoughts of "am I being a good person?", "Is my partner a good enough person (IE, if I actually was pregnant, would they split on me?)?" and "should I be having sex? I obviously can't handle the consequences" are running through your head. The OP and his girlfriend are a young couple who haven't figured out each other yet. I think calling it quits because of a shaky 3 weeks is going to leave you with a lot of short and dramatic relationships.

[Kantriakhor]

Sex in the early stages of a relationship is more about hormonal combustion than it is about being emotionally close.

 

Again, the birth control issue and the pregnancy scare coupled with their apparent lack of communication is far more pertinent and likely as the cause of this problem and can be remedied thusly:

 

Communication.

Allow the BC to level out or switch to a new form.

Counseling for the pregnancy scare.

[Ashley1640]

 

to Ms. Paris Hilton:

 

It's not even Paris Hilton dude. It's Lady Gaga.

 

And you're wrong. Just wrong. You have like, 5 people here that are trying to explain it to you.

You asked me if I had read this whole thread, but.. I think you need to re-read it. =( I comprehend your posts, but they don't make sense. ](*,)

[Ashley1640]

Oh. And. They're happy now. Isn't that proof that your logic is extremely.. wrong?

[canvasofredink]

Maybe you two aren't compatible? Sex is a very important part of a relationship, you both are way too young to "not be horny". There could be a number of underlying issues to cause her not be aroused. Give it some time, focus on the emotional and see what happens.

[iridethedirt]

Are you kidding me? You're acting as if I'm giving advice that will help improve the relationship, based on what you've seen other guys my age post. You're immediately dismissing my ideas and shielding yourself from them. How can my posts be your favorite part of ENA if you haven't even paid enough attention to the content to understand them and get my point. I acknowledged the relationship was over because she didn't want him anymore, and offered advice on how he could start getting over her and end it in a way that benefits him.

 

I have life experience too, and I've seen plenty from other people's relationships, so don't act like you being older and being married somehow makes you better than me.

1. "my favorite part" was sarcastic.

2. In no way did I sheild myself from your ideas, I addressed them stating my opinion is that they benefit nobody. The OP stated things are on the mend, however your advice pertains only on why and how he should end it/move on. And honestly your advice on that made me cringe as well.

3. I fully comprehend your points, I just find zero merit in them as being good for anybody. I have seen people take similar actions to what you suggest, never went well for anybody, people feel violated disrespected, etc. So just because I disagree does not mean I do not comprehend the deep wise meaning in your advice... Simply that I disagree.

4. In no way did I make a claim my advice or opinion was better, or more valid. I gave background regarding myself, and my life experiance. I am older, but not by much. I am married, and have been in the relationship for the majority of my adult life. But again I never stated that made me "better" I simply gave it as the background and basis for the advice I gave.

 

5. You may think that in the long term this relationship is doomed, and you may be right, you probably are. They are both young and things dint sound good for the log haul. However, you are not concidering the aspects of life and love that do not follow logic... The heart has a way of ignoring reason and logic, especially when you are young, or inexperianced with love. Thing is, just cause she might not be "the one" or whatever, doesn't mean he cannot have a good relationship which can foster growth, and learning... Life experiances which he can apply later in life... Sometimes you must live things for it to really make sense enough to you to stick... These are the things you do not consider. At 18 I was dating a girl, I loved her. I knew my relationship with her would end. And not only that but I knew when. Not only that but she cheated on me. I stayed with her until the end... When she left for college. I would not change it even though it caused some rough times. I learned a lot.

So for our OP, in his case, two months in is not when he is ready to call it quits, support what he is trying to do, not just what your logical rational brain says.