Breaking through the friendly façade?

[Something funny]

A lot of the posts here seem to be about broken relationships where in many cases, the ex doesn't want to talk at all, hangs up the phone and doesn't reply to emails. Now I would see that as sort of a sound reaction since there are still strong feelings at work. And on the other hand, it's obviously not a good sign, since it's all about the wrong feelings.

 

What if the ex holds a façade of complete niceness, keeping everything very friendly and platonic? My ex has contacted me a few times wanting to be friends, and she's keeping some kind of happy front where everything is A-OK, even though I know that she's feeling unstable on the inside. She's sent me emails like "Hi, how are you?!" with smileys and stuff, always ending them with "I hope we can be friends soon". My replies have sort of mirrored hers, with the same happy tone, but with me telling her that I need more time.

 

I can't stand this damn shallow front she's showing me. Is there any good way of breaking it down somehow? When I finally do contact her (I promised her to do so when I felt I was "ready") I don't want to get into a conversation about the past relationship. I just want to go behind the façade and talk to her as a person, not just a made-up front.

 

I guess it's insecurity forcing her to act like this towards me, that she's still afraid of the feelings that might remain inside her. It's probably easier to act like someone else in such situations.

 

But how do I deal with that? How do I break down the façade?

[GeeCee]

Something Funny

 

This is just a thought .... is it possible that she does care for you deeply as a friend, and wants to remain friends with you? That she is not putting up a facade, but does want you in her life as a friend?

 

G xx

[Something funny]

Oh of course that's possible. But having known her for more than six years, I know when she's putting up a façade and when she's being honest. And here she's not being honest.

 

I mean, she's probably telling me she wants to be friends because - yeah - that's what she wants. But that's not what's bothering me, it's that "everything is perfect" façade that's killing me. That she's just acting like nothing happened and that everything is just great.

[GeeCee]

Ok, obviously you know your situation better than any of us. I have no idea how great her life is. But you do.

 

I am not sure how you move forward in terms of making the leap from friends to relationship. Dear lord - haven't reached the friendship stage yet!!!

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[Hannibal]

It sounds to me that shes putting up this front so that she can run from her problems. People tend to do this when they're scared of a decision that they made and the consequences that it has or may have. My ex is doing the exact same thing when i see her, shes all smiley and happy. But with a little investigation and slight pushes at her I've found out that shes in a worse position then I was when we first broke up, go figure.

I think the best way to break it down is talking, and when ever you sense a slight offset on the front which there will be, investigate by saying is something on your mind. Eventually she will open up to you.

[Something funny]

Yeah, that's the thing. I can just tell that she's doing it to run from something. It's so obvious; it's like she's just trying to ignore the way she feels (depressed, lonely, unsure of herself?). I guess I just have to talk to her and get under her skin, so to speak. When I feel ready and independent, that is. Maybe the façade will fade away in time. I mean, even if she still wants to be my friend she wouldn't have to act so shallow (insecure) around me.

[ziggystar]

hey somethingfunny,

 

why do you want to break her fascade? because it bothers you. because you're not getting want you want. think about it from her side. what if she's doing it to protect her and you from having these emotions go out of control and wind up doing something you'll both regret from an extreme reaction of one of her feelings. she's trying to keep it together and you want to knock her down. i say don't push or you might get a reaction you don't want. let her settle down emotionally with some time and space. it takes time. do this for you too. i've been in the same situation as you. it took some time and wasn't easy, but we're both relaxed and positive. if i had reacted one or two weeks ago just to get a rise out of my ex, the now relaxed and positive vibe would not be happening.

[GeeCee]

ZiggyStar

 

You give some great advice!! Really great!!

 

G xx

[ziggystar]

thanks ceegee.

 

i better give good advice. i had to learn all this by screwing up a lot of relationships, so i better have something to show for all of that heartache. lol.

[Something funny]

Yeah I guess you're right. It will probably fade away after some time.