Growing up without a father...

[AngryHeart]

It was hard to know where to put this. I'm going to try and not baffle on with a pity party, but I'm in a bad place tonight. I'm medicated for depression and anxiety, and my life is basicaly a mess. I guess I try to fill the void with guys, and then end up being hurt because they either use me, or leave me because...I guess I get too much for them. I'm an easy target for sleazebags too. I need to get my life sorted, but I don't even know how. I need to stop dating and falling for guys - it's doing me no good. I can't just take the bumps in my stride as easily as most people - they end up hurting me deeply to the core - I'm so sensitive to rejection and abandonment. I need councelling. I had it before a few times when I was younger, but I never told them everything that was going on, so maybe now it'd be more helpful?

 

I've never had a stable father figure. My dad was an abusive, lying, cheating, gambling-addicted man", and they broke up when I was 7. I would see him every other weekend for a few hours, and his new wife was horrible, and he was just never a real dad. He's done some horrible things. Eventually he just never contacted me again, after he told me he'd call me to have me over one Christmas, and I never see him or hear from him anymore. Apart from he once sent me a message on Facebook asking me if it was his daughter (yeah) and how am I, and told me he loved me...ha. Then nothing. He done it to his other kids too apart from the newest lot (he was like 10 kids all together) I was also molested by one of my mums ex boyfriends when I was a kid, and she had a couple other relationships with losers.

 

Is this probably my biggest problem? I have had no stable father figure. Never been daddy's little girl, etc. and one of my friends said she think I look for a father figure in men. I think she could maybe be right, because there's this one man I know, I feel really attached to him, and like I wish he was my dad. I find myself hugging him, and even jokingly said to him that I wish he was my dad (he's friends with my mum, and is also one of my exes father!) And I feel sad sometimes when I see people with nice dads, hanging out, having a laugh, having their support, etc. I can't look to my mums relationships, because they've been unhealthy, so it's also hard for me to know how to be in a relationship.

 

Does anybody here relate to this? ANybody grown up without a "real" father? What effects did it have/how did you get over it if you did? I'm starting to think more and more as I get older that maybe it's the root, if not one of the main roots, to my problems. Any advice/comments/whatever would be appreciated. Cheers.

[RougeKali823]

I too grew up without a father but I know that it's def. possible to move past that. I think talking about it in therapy has helped me a great deal.

[HelloMolly]

I can relate to this so much. I have never met my father or even seen a picture of him. I had step fathers growing up but they were all abusive. it's really hard to grow up and see your friends with these great dads and you got stuck with crap! I tried to find him for years but i got so sick of the way people treated me hen they found out i didnt know my father. so i have accepted i will never know him. But i have a lot of relationship problems because of this. I slept around a great deal fo many many years and it never made me feel any better, i just felt worthless afterwards. I finally found a really great guy and am very satisfied in my relationship. but my insecurities are our biggest problem. I am going to seek counseling in hopes of coming to terms with these feelings.I think this would be a good option for you too. good luck

[pinkelephant]

Wow, yes, I could've written that minus the molestation part. My dad, too, was abusive. I've never had any "stable" father figure. The closest to that I've ever gotten died of liver cancer. People come and go so often, I don't expect anyone to stick around. What I've learned is to live in the moment, enjoy what they have to offer and then forget it and move on. I try to forget about the fact that I crave a family. I love the idea of one. I just try channeling the energy into something else.

 

I didn't understand how to be in a relationship either. My mom's relationships were all disastrous. My parents were explosive together. So for my first couple of relationships, I didn't know how to "be". I'm slowly learning through trial and error. I still don't know how to be in a relationship, either and I think, I am too a great target for d-bags. I'm difficult to deal with, friendship wise too. I'm not sure what to tell you, just that I know exactly what you mean.

 

 

I tried out Cognitive Therapy and it helped a lot, but it's still not that great - though I think I just have to do the rest of the work and it has given me something substantial to work with. I just feel like everything will fall into place some day if I keep on trying. I hope you try therapy. I really liked the cognitive one. I've changed a lot since, for the better.