first love lost and the dreaded "let's be friends"

[Hugwolf]

Hi everyone. I’ve been reading all the advice on the forum about getting back together and have a few questions about an ex wanting to be friends...

 

My girlfriend of nine years and I decided to try taking a break recently, so she moved out. There were lots of reasons for this. A lot of resentment had built up in her that I was not compromising enough for her needs anymore. She also regretted never having an opportunity to live on her own. She had moved directly from her parent’s house to my place in the beginning. We had not been able to resolve our problems together so we hoped some time apart would help us. Moving out was really hard for her and I ended up going over there every night for a few weeks to make her feel better. Eventually we decided to take the break more seriously and break contact, but she couldn’t stop texting for a few more weeks. Then I got a break-up e-mail. I pushed her a little but there was no fighting it, she was serious.

 

That was a few days ago. She said we weren’t quite right for each other anymore but she wanted my friendship a lot. The next day I told her the friend thing was a bad idea, but I didn’t make myself very clear I think because deep down I’m downright terrified to lose her from my life (overall I’ve known her for about 15 years). That night she’s already texting me random non-relationship type things. She asks me where I am (out drinking) and so I tell her, and the next thing I know she’s there having a beer with me like this is good old times (one day after breaking up with me!). I’m already piss drunk at that point for good reasons and end up saying things I just regret now (nothing hurtful—just a little pathetic).

 

I realize this is a bad situation for me and I’ve stopped responding to her texts. She e-mailed me already asking how I was doing and pointed out I stopped responding to her texts, and said she’d try to leave me alone until I got over her. Should I just keep ignoring her if she tries to contact me again, or is limited contact better? I guess it’s so foggy for me because our relationship was built on friendship that grew closer over time. Of course there was an obvious moment we had become more, but we never actually “dated." I know things are different now but it’s hard to see everything clearly. But I’ve also read the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder” many times in various places now, so it seems then like no contact is better. I’m just lost with what to do.

 

I want to leave the door open for getting back together if there’s ever any hope of that. This was the first serious relationship for both of us, and in some ways I’m amazed we lasted so long and I’m thankful for that. I really love her and want her back and just feel ill that this is happening now. I feel like we had a good connection but bad habits combined with a lack of experience got in the way of keeping the relationship healthy though the years and she suffered the most.

 

I feel for everyone going through a loss like this. You feel like the world has lost all meaning right after. I feel a little silly to be 31 and never really experienced this kind of heartbreak before, but maybe that makes me lucky.

 

Thanks for any advice and sorry for the longish post.

[aymee_lee]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. That's really tough. Break ups suck (to put it nicely!)

 

I can definitely understand her desire to have her own space, and do her own thing- 9 years is a long time especially if it's the first serious relationship for both of you. Sometimes people reach a point where they want another degree of freedom. Some people are first loves and stay together, and others don't, it really depends on the people involved.

 

Unfortunately, it seems as though she wants all the benefits of your friendship but not the relationship that goes with it. I'm sure she's not doing it to be harsh, or thoughtless, but she needs to understand that if she just wants to be friends, you are going to need some time. As I said- break ups are hard, and they hurt, but she needs to deal with that hurt. She can't use you as her crutch to ease her from relationship to single, especially if it's hurting you too much.

 

Maybe you will get back together, or at least be friends, but I think you need a little bit of space before that can happen. Otherwise the line between friend and lover gets blurred and that's when people can get hurt.

[In the Dark]

Sounds like shes going for the I want freedom!

Thing.

To do whatever she wants without guilt.

(slightly sugar coating here)

 

Myu ex did the whole acting like friends thing.

I mean come on . . .

Been together in a serious relationship then all of a sudden. . .HEY wanna go for a beer buddy!

Personally I think this kind of behaviour really sucks for the dumpee.

It feels like every moment of the time spent together is now erased from the dumpers memory.

Like yeah we had a realtionship but that was in the past. . . .

 

I would go with AnonymousLady's idea of either NC or sparse contact if NC is too hard for you which is understandable.

 

And it will most probably hurt when you get replies as they may seem like she doesn't rememeber you two were together.

[Hugwolf]

Thanks for the responses.

 

All your comments make sense. It does seem like an issue with wanting to try new things (people) without any guilt. I know during the break we had both been actively looking for new friends since we had lost most of ours during the relationship. Just before the breakup we were talking about it and she said that she had met some people but had made no new friends, and thought we would need to help each other to find other people. That actually sparked the breakup e-mail. We were sharing how we both had wanted to go to a dance club but felt strange doing it alone. She offered to go with me and then broke up and said we could go if I didn’t get weird and we didn’t go as gf/bf. A little more than a year ago we ran into some rough water and going to a packed dance club pulled us back together very strongly. It was a new experience and was really fun and I think she was especially attracted to the fact that I dragged us both out there and actually got us to dance (we’re both pretty shy people). I think she may have freaked out at the thought of getting sucked back together again. It was really temping to go to the club anyway and hope she’s get close again, but I realized it wouldn’t fix any problems making her unhappy now (unless a lack of exciting things like that in her life was one of the main issues maybe), and you guys are right, the friendship can’t be crutch to ease the pain of losing the relationship.

 

Completely NC will be hard because I'm unemployed atm and stuck living in the apartment we both lived in for the past 5 years. A ton of her stuff is still here because she didn't originally plan for the move to be permanent, plus she moved into a pretty small room. I end up leaving early and staying out all day to avoid being here. I have no idea if or when she plans to do something about all of her things that are still here. I think she found comfort knowing she could return at any moment. Maybe she still does but that's pretty hopeful thinking. Even if her stuff was gone, the place would just feel empty. I have to get out of here either way.