Should I end it before it even begins?

[Nocam]

Hi to everyone, Im new here, just signed up. I just got back from my girlfriends house, which promted me to join. My problem is that it seems Im in the never ending circle with her. She never believes me when i say things such as "I like you alot, I want to be with you, I care about you" Its early in the relationship, weve only been together for about a month, and i know i shouldnt question her trust so early on in the relationship, but this brings up the point, she has no reason to believe me nor does she have any reason to not believe me, im confused on why shes chooses to not believe what i say to her. I care about her alot, and i know its dumb and its early, its just thats how i am. Ive asked around for help and they usually say "maybe shes been hurt before and its hard for her to trust people" and when i asked her, she answered "no thats not the problem" Ive been loyal the entire time, so i dont know where she gets the idea at all. Shes always saying something to the tune of "all guys are the same, they just want ass" and she accuses me of it! That really upsets me, Ive never done that to a person nor will i never, I have have no respect for those types of people, and to be accused of being one very much hurts. Ive expressed this to her and she understands, but whenever we get into a fight, she brings it up. Its a hit below the belt, and she just doesnt want to recongnize that. Friends have told me to leave her alone for a while, and shell come back to me. But im afraid to do that because 1) im not that type of person, i see no point for immature "not talking" crap and 2) shes very pretty, and i fear that if i were to do that, shed just throw her hands up and get a new guy whenever she felt the need. Im just so confused, I like her so much it just hurts when she doesnt recognize it.

Jeez, thanks for reading, any help is very much appreciated.

Thanks again, Tony.

[Hannibal]

I'm going to write this response on the assumption that you are still in highschool. If you are or just got out (and shes in the same spot) then it sounds to me like a typical highschool thing to do. She seems to be testing you to see how much you care for her and want her. The more she asks the more you say it and thats what she wants. I think maybe one of the best courses of action (maybe not i dont know) would be next time she questions you on it just say that she is well aware of how you feel towards her and that she needs to trust you on that. Shes probably scared of getting close to you and then end up you hurting her in the end. So don't push for sex, even though im sure you're not.

 

My best friend told me that she stopped playing games like this when she realized that her boyfriend would not take that kind of crap. Its hard to say when a good time to let her know that you wont take it is because if its to early it could push her away. I think that you just have to be firm with her, if she can't trust you on something so simple as you wanting to be with her then maybe its not the best idea to stick with her. You seem mature enough to realize that theres something wrong with what shes doing, now she just needs to see it.

[Nocam]

You're right, Im not pushing for sex, i feel that happens when its right. who knows when that will be. I dont understand, If shes testing me to see how much i do care for her, wouldnt that mean she plans on making it serious? I mean why is she going to test if shes just afraid of getting close in the first place? I do care for her alot and if we can get past this pettiness, i see potential in us for a good relationship. I just dont know how to let her know im serious when i say it, i look into her eyes, and say it, to me if a person cant say it to your eyes, its a lie. Ive told her this is what i believe also, but still for some reason its apparently not enough. Ive asked what can i do to prove it and shes says "i dont know" Is there a certain situation or something that can finally convince her? I want this relationship to be good right now, you know? I dont see the point in all this petty testing thing. I just dont know how to convince im a different type of guy, rather than just waiting it out. But if thats my only option, ill still feel crappy because ill know she doesnt trust me or believe me in her head.

[buffalosoldier]

Hey bud,

 

I have to say i think hannibal had it spot on. I think you should still give the relationship a chance, i mean as you said, its early days yet and so that means there is still lots of time for her to change her ways. Once you have been with her for a while this may be enough to convince her that you like her enough to stay with her. Having said that, if this is becoming a real problem for you this early on in the relationship then maybe you should lay it on the line to her.-Because it could just continue like this, getting worse the further into the relationship you go. Its not generally a good sign that she is insecure this early on, but maybe thats just how she is.

 

I think you should tell her how you feel, not in a threatening way, but just say that you like her, and she needs to try and believe that and tell her that you would not be with her if you didnt like her. Ultimately she needs to work through her own insecurities, there is only so much you can do to help.

 

Good luck

[sweetharmony]

I have to agree with both Hannibal and Buffalosoldier. They are absolutely right. I hate to admit it, but I act the same way at the beginning of every relationship. I test the guys I'm with- i know, it's games, but I'm afraid of getting hurt. I didn't realize that I did it, until the same pattern kept happening over and over again, causing problems and pushing guys away. It is subconscious, your gf probably isn't doing it on purpose- it is a defense mechanism, so that if you do break her heart, she doesn't feel stupid for having been the fool. but I can't know what she's thinking.

 

I am always questioning a guy's motives, b/c they may use me for sex- so I constantly need reassurance at the beginning, so that when and if we do, I feel that at least tried my best to make sure the guy's intentions are good. After a while, she will stop it, once she's more comfortable and you've hung around a while, but don't do anything now, b/c then you'll really be that guy that she's accusing you of. and she will probably say something like "i knew it." it's a double edged sword with you. whatever you do at this point, you won't win. just give it time and keep reassuring her, she's probably somewhat scared.

 

and what she's doing isn't right, because she can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, (which I've done several times.) Just be there for her if you really like her and she'll warm up to you, she needs to feel that bond of trust first. don't run away so fast.

 

if you put up w/ her pushing and stay, she'll really be able to trust you and be able to open her heart to you.

[Nocam]

Thanks for all the help, I understand that its a defensive mechanism that gets shutdown over time, but in the meantime, when the situation comes up, should i let her know it upsets me? I mean i would think that she would think "hey this is hurting him, maybe i should stop" or should i just stick it out and change subjects, but i also dont want her to feel as if im incapeable to deal with this or incapeable of showing feelings. Ive said this things like "you know how i feel, think what you want" but i feel this isnt what i should be saying, leaving it up for her to think about it could just corrupt it.

 

P.S. Is there a time limit for this defense mechanism? lol

[sweetharmony]

i would just say something like, i can understand how you feel, but only time will prove that i'm not who you think i am.

she needs reassurance that perhaps you're in it for the long haul.

make plans with her for the future, things like a few months from now to give her the hint that you're serious (but don't do this unless you mean it) and wait at least another month. if she continues, tell her that she really needs to relax b/c she's pushing you away and while you're trying to get close to her.

 

i think by the second month she'll be much better. it takes me that amt. of time to begin trusting.