can someone please analyze these emails?

[lostinmargins]

My boyfriend of ten months broke up with me a little over two months ago, claiming he felt like something was missing, but didn't know what it was. He was under a lot of stress, but insisted that his being stressed out was a separate issue from his feeling that something was missing. It was all very out of the blue and occurred the same weekend his best friend was deployed to Iraq. We were spending less time together because work was basically consuming his life (he'd gotten promoted a month and a half before we broke up, but doesn't like his job and didn't get a salary raise, so it was basically just added responsibility without more pay). He was also taking a class for graduate school credit at the same time, so that added to the his stress and the fact that we spent less time together. I know he's on Zoloft for anxiety/stress, and I am too but for different reasons.

 

The day after he broke up with me, I wrote him an email attempting to gain closure. He responded, then I sent him another email, which he also responded to. These are the emails he sent me:

 

#1

You must remember giving me pep talks before my exams (and after). You supported me, and us, when I worked too many hours, and sacrificed our time together. Now, after I've split us apart, you've written a caring email. You don't have anything to apologize for. It's a warmth and strength of yours that's striking.

 

I'm sorry to say goodbye, though it needed to be like this. You're remarkable - and as much as I care for you, I also know you'll do wonderful things.

 

Love,

*****

 

#2

You don't need to apologize. I'm glad you're being honest about how you feel. And I know this is hard, just as I know you're strong.

 

I enjoyed so much of our time together, so even knowing it's right over the long run, I miss talking and being with you.

 

Knowing that something fundamental was missing for me, though, it was unfair to keep going.

 

________

 

I ran into him at a bar the day after he sent me the last email. He approached me and my friend and then we hugged, and it was so intense. It was like the time he hugged me after I'd been away on vacation for three weeks. He rubbed my back and didn't seem to want to let me go. Per his request, we went outside to talk, but he didn't have anything to say other than apologies and telling me how incredible he thinks I am. It was really sad.

 

What do you all think?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

As far as he is concerned it is over...he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you even if he still has feelings for you. So the best thing to do is to not send him anymore emails, certainly no more apology emails..because you will keep going round and round the same circle. Every time he replies, and when he sees you, he repeatedly tells you it is over. Take that as your closure and start distancing yourself from him so that you don't get false hope and spend your time over-analyzing his replies.

[gsxr104]

I could be totally off base here but I'm thinking that as much as he likes you that he wants to be single as well. Most times when people break up, they do want to do it with some dignity(although there are the low down kind too) and they will say the classic lines: "it's not you it's me" " You're too good for me" " I'm just not ready to be in a relationship" " I'm really busy,I don't have time for a relationship" , etc....

I think truth to the matter is that when and if you truly love someone, you go through great lengths to make the necessary sacrifices to be with them. And it does take two to make it work. The tragedy comes when one person cares way more for the other and the other cannot reciprocate the desried feelings. The best thing you can do is to give him his space and don 't call him, text him or anyting. Again, this is just my opinion. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Trust me, I know how stressful it can be.

[Changedtoolate]

Sounds like a good guy that is confused and over stressed. Does he have the impression that his lack of being around for you (all of the job and school commitments) was hurting you (making you feel alone) and that is why he left? Sounds to me like he really cares about you being happy and by leaving he thinks that you will be able to find someone who can spend the amount of time with you that you deserve.

From the limited information provided...that is my assumption.

[sunshine1]

I agree with the others. He cares for you because you have been in a relationship together and he probably sees you as a close friend. With that being said, he definitely does not seem to want to get back together with you, but let you "down gently" so to speak. I think it would be best to move on and not expect to get back together or waste your time overanyalyzing emails.

[Batya33]

It's sweet and flattering but also self-serving - he misses you and there is a part of him that wants to keep you on the hook a bit - even though he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Having been there/done that I don't think it means he wants you back at least not badly enough. Sorry.

[FarthestEdge]

I agree with the above. I think this is about as close as one gets to a gentle breakup.

 

He obviously loves & respects you. But it doesn't follow that he wants to be in a relationship with you. Whatever his reasons are, he feels the relationship needed to end. You can't change his mind.

 

IMO, be thankful that he treated you with gentleness, respect & honesty. It's rare in breakups.

[lostinmargins]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I really appreciate it.

 

His friends were all completely shocked when he broke up with me. They'd always told me he was so different with me than any other girl and that I'd gotten him to open up. When we first started dating, my ex admitted that it surprised him that he wasn't scared at how much he liked me, since he's so used to being self sufficient and independent.

 

However, one of his close friends told my friend that knowing my ex, he's surprised we were together for so long. I don't get what that means.

[Batya33]

Big mistake to take what his friends say to heart or to think they provide any meaningful insight. At least in my opinion. If they had been romantically involved with him then maybe it would have some small value but they have no idea what he is like in a romantic relationship. It's a mistake because it impedes you from moving on fully and you end up grasping at straws like talking to his friends.