when enough is enough?

[wallander]

I've recently had enough with a flaky friend in a one-sided friendship and am wondering if I overreacted.

 

I've known this friend of mine for a long time. Our friendship has had its ups and downs and he has a history of flaking out on people, disappearing for periods of time, etc... A few years ago, we had a major falling out and went a while without talking, but we reconciled and for the last year or so have been as good of friends as ever. Even though we now live in different time zones, we keep in touch several times a week and see each other every few months.

 

A few weeks ago, he and I made plans to get together for his birthday. I flew into town in the middle of the week and when I got there, he was in a different state! He said he was visiting his ex-gf and meant to come back already but fell asleep, and that he was on his way back now. A few hours later he gave me an ETA of midnight. After that, I never heard from him again. He wouldn't answer his phone or text messages, either - not to apologize, tell me he wasn't in fact on his way, that he got his present, or even that he was alive. I know he didn't get into an accident or something because a mutual friend saw him online playing video games the next day.

 

Meanwhile, I am getting married next month and he was supposed to be one of my groomsmen. I can't reach him and he hasn't been fitted for a tux. I finally snapped today and sent him a text message telling that instead of coming to the wedding, to go #$%@ himself and not to talk to me again.

 

I feel bad about losing my cool, but I am having a hard time dealing with a "friend" who could do that to me, and the last thing I need heading into my wedding is to worry about whether or not one of my groomsmen will show up.

 

Did I go too far?

[waveseer]

While it is always preferable to set our boundaries calmly and clearly, what you did is better than not setting your boundary at all. It is entirely understandable.

[wayoverit]

It is what I would do as well.

 

If he considers you as a "friend" he will apologize and show that he understands your frustration in this stressful time and that he should be there to show his support, and be the groomsman that you so honorably invited him to be. If he doesn't bother to do that, tell him to f himself again. This time silently.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think your reaction was completely understandable. Don't feel bad..I am sure he doesn't feel bad for being a jerk to you so why should you feel bad for finally having enough of his attitude and telling him off for it. Sometimes people do indeed need to be told where they can go.

[nutbrownhare]

I've had one or two friends like this over the years, and there just comes a point where you can't be bothered any more. It says something for your continued trust in him that you even considered him as a groomsman - I wouldn't have.

 

While I can understand that you wish you hadn't lost your cool, you'd been AMAZINGLY cool up until that point and I really don't blame you. As you say, you've got enough to worry about in the run-up to your wedding without that.

 

With the people I'm thinking of, I'd always be thinking one step ahead to second-guess what they'd do to mess up arrangements and situations so the problem didn't happen; after a while I decided I'd be better off with reliable people. I know it's difficult if it's someone you've known a long time as you feel a duty of loyalty to them, but then you need to ask if there are actually any meaningful signs of loyalty to you.

[wallander]

Thanks for the encouraging replies! I think I made the easy decision here and the one that's best for me, but it'll take me some time to get over feeling guilty about it. Except for his mom (who he lives with), he is ignoring his family and our mutual friends, too, so I think I took things too personally.

 

Crazyaboutdogs, you're right, it is hard for me to picture him feeling bad about being a jerk to me, but my fiancee thinks he is embarrassed over what he did and is ignoring me to avoid facing it. Since I tend to take responsibility for my actions, that's hard for me to stomach, though.

 

The funny thing is I really wish he would apologize and be a groomsman in my wedding. It would be completely out of character for him to do that (especially since I told him off). I feel like as deep as the hole is now, him not showing up to my wedding would be even harder for me to get over.

[nutbrownhare]

I think your fiancee is right - a flaky friend of mine used to let people down, feel guilty about it and then carry on letting them down because she felt too ashamed to face them. You're right not to take it personally, in that if he were to agree to be a groomsman and then not show up, that it's not a deliberate slight - he'd treat everybody that badly.

 

But I really think you need to look at your own feelings at the way you - and by implication, your fiancee - are being treated here. Sometimes we can be so anxious to see things from the other person's point of view, protect their feelings and give them the benefit of the doubt that we ignore the fact that they're walking all over us. Not deliberately or maliciously, but walking all over us nevertheless.

 

As somebody who does take responsibility for themselves, his way of working is going to seem totally alien - I'd guess you just don't get it. However, very responsible people can sometimes be very attractive to very irresponsible people, who can therefore relinquish making any kind of effort in the relationship because they know the other person will take over. Until the other person gets fed up with it, and leaves ...and then they move on and find someone else ...