How should I handle this situation?

[jetset]

I am not quite sure whether this is the right forum for posting this question, but here goes. I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years about 6 months ago. The 1st month after that, I felt fine, then it was hell for about 2 months, then getting better. These days, I find that I rarely think about her, my ex is already dating someone else, I have met up with her a few times as friends to have coffee and chat, and we both felt fine about it afterwards.

 

After this relationship, my main unresolved questions and fears are about being able to find a new meaningful relationship (some amount of insecurity, I suppose) and about what I want to do with my job/carreer/future/etc., but overall feeling better and more confident about myself and feel like the relationship with my ex is behind me. I go through the "what if" scenarios occasionally, but not much.

 

About a month ago, I met a nice girl through a book group, and felt somewhat attracted to her. We've e-mailed casually back and forth about once a week and gone out to coffee twice. Last night, we had coffee (the 2nd time) and had a very long conversation (over 4 hours!) and it felt really nice. We have a lot in common, we both like reading similar books, like similar art, similar movies, etc. I think she's really interesting and I feel very comfortable talking to her, she's not pushy, just very friendly and sweet. We have not kissed or had physical contact other than friendly hugs.

 

Today I feel confused, guilty, and a little afraid about this for some reason. I am not sure why. I am worried that she is the first person I have met after my ex, and I am worried that I may not be emotionally ready for a relationship right now (although, with some more time, I think we could have a "real" relationship). She is very genuine and I do not want to hurt her. I am not sure about whether I want to start looking for jobs in other cities, and I guess I feel guilty not telling her about this (although we do not have a formal relationship or anything right now). I would like to talk to her about some of this, but I don't want to scare her away. At a a minimum I would really for us to be friends!

 

I would really appreciate any opinions or advice about this. I was thinking about telling her that I am currently in somewhat of a transition period, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, and that moving from my city is a possibility me. As far as the "not being emotionally ready for a relationship" part, I would feel awkward bringing that up because we do not have a relationship right now other than as ... friends. I also feel awkward bringing up the topic of my ex, because so far we have talked almost entirely about our appreciation of literature, poetry, travel, spirituality, etc. and not much family/personal stuff. I was thinking about saying something like "you are the first person I have liked after my ex, with whom I broke up 6 months ago", but also seems awkward (what does "like" mean in this case? Does it mean more than just friends? Even I am not sure yet ...). I have told her that I enjoy our conversations and that I think she is very creative, but that's it.

 

What I really want is for us to continue to see each other and hang out, talk, watch a movie, and just enjoy our respective companies (which I am certain we both do). But I can't shake this fear that I am leading her on, and I really don't want to hurt her or damage our current friendship. I feel pretty stressed about that, even though yesterday I felt great.

 

She has mentioned that she has some insecurties/questions about what she wants to do with herself in the future as well, about how it is easy to be trapped in the comfort of the moment, etc., so I feel like she might relate to my current situation, but I am not sure.

 

Please help.

[Gaz]

Ever heard the phrase `carpe diem`? If not look it up. I know what its like because I am in the same position as you, I had a gf for 4 years who I loved more than anything and it tore me apart when whe left me but now, 9 months later I find myself discovering the true me again and meeting women but being unsure as to how far to go. But I think that the best thing (for both of us) is just to go for it and follw your heart. Life is too short.

I loved Jet Set Willy on the Spectrum too! What a classic! Good luck with everything.