Cen Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 This is a recurring problem I've had in my life and is something I'm really trying to examine and understand. Whenever I've been in a relationship I always struggle with actually articulating my attraction to the other person and it of course becomes a problem after a while, I can say things like "I am very attracted to you" when prompted but have trouble saying more overt things such as "You are so beautiful" etc...especially out of the blue. I worry that I will sound phony while saying it and can't even get the words out. I also worry that this is some kind of fear of opening up with the other person fully. Recently I've been dating a girl who is absolutely gorgeous, and we both are equally enthused about one another which feels amazing and I don't want to fall down the same path that I have in the past. I've been actively trying to address some of these issues but STILL have trouble with it. I can already tell this is probably going to become a long term relationship and I know if I wait too long it'll be much harder down the road to suddenly start doing these things. If it's relevant at all I am 26, she is 29. Has anyone else dealt with this? I've always been a shy person overall, but I'd say I'm quietly confident and am happy with where I'm at in my life. I know I can get myself to say what I am feeling, I just want to know why I feel like I need to force it out of myself? Thanks! Link to comment
Intense Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Why would you want to tell a beautiful girl what she already knows? Tell her something else you have observed about her that she does not get 3000 times a year. Link to comment
Ammy Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Trust me, even beautiful girls like to be told they are beautiful. I recently dated a guy who never ONCE said a positive compliment about me... and by the end of 6 weeks of dating I felt totally underappreciated and doubted that he was really that interested in me and ended it. As awkward as it might feel, just say it - either when you first see her say "Wow, you look amazing tonight." or even softly "I think you look really nice." and in general when the time is right (when you're alone together) say something like "You're beautiful"... It won't sound forced if you mean it. Also, sometimes it's not just your words that say it, but also the way you look at her, interact with her etc. That said, use the words every now and then too, and it will make her feel good and understand how much you appreciate her. Ammy Link to comment
Knight of Hope Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 It's probably shyness. All through middle school I got teased about my crushes, and then I stopped talking to other guys about love romance - I only talked to girls. I never asked a girl out. I stayed quiet about my crushes for the most part. Never told a girl I liked that she was beautiful, etc. I was just too afraid - probably of rejection. Sound like your situation at all? Anyway, are your feelings for her sincere? Do you really think she's beautiful? If your answers to these questions are yes, just go for it. Your tone will tell her you're sincere, especially because she probably already knows you think she's beautiful. And it will mean a lot more to her coming from you than it would from the other "3000 times per year" that Intense mentioned. Thinking about this might help you get over that fear you have, whatever it is. Link to comment
Intense Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Well, I admit relationship management is not really what I am into, but during the early phases (first minutes) after meeting a 9 or 10 I won't compliment her on her good looks obviously. She has heard that "eeeehhh... I just.. ehhh.. had to tell you you areeeh... really beautiful" alot of times, along with the other side of the spectrum "damn baby you are smoking hot, i just wanna take you home right now". The first one never works, the second may work once in a blue moon or if she is really drunk. Point is they both suck. Compliments awaits until a few minutes into conversation, and let that be about something else than the looks. Link to comment
Ammy Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Well, I admit relationship management is not really what I am into, but during the early phases (first minutes) after meeting a 9 or 10 I won't compliment her on her good looks obviously. She has heard that "eeeehhh... I just.. ehhh.. had to tell you you areeeh... really beautiful" alot of times, along with the other side of the spectrum "damn baby you are smoking hot, i just wanna take you home right now". The first one never works, the second may work once in a blue moon or if she is really drunk. Point is they both suck. Compliments awaits until a few minutes into conversation, and let that be about something else than the looks. He is talking about complimenting WITHIN a relationship. I am the type of girl who isn't too impressed by a random just coming up to me and saying "you're hot / beautiful"... but if it's a guy I'm dating, then I expect him to say it at least every now and then... if not more frequently. As for beautiful girls getting 1000s of compliments, I don't totally agree... Maybe "drunk" compliments out in bars... but not genuine, sincere compliments from guys who actually truly took the time to appreciate the beauty. Ammy Link to comment
yourgravity Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 He is talking about complimenting WITHIN a relationship. I am the type of girl who isn't too impressed by a random just coming up to me and saying "you're hot / beautiful"... but if it's a guy I'm dating, then I expect him to say it at least every now and then... if not more frequently. As for beautiful girls getting 1000s of compliments, I don't totally agree... Maybe "drunk" compliments out in bars... but not genuine, sincere compliments from guys who actually truly took the time to appreciate the beauty. Ammy i totally agree. It sucks that guys dont wanna tell beautiful girls that theyre beautiful when a lot of the time its thosw girls that take forever to get all primmed for the guy that needs to hear it the most. My ex's compliments helped me get comfortable with my natural beauty and it really boosted my confidence and to this day i still remember that about him. Link to comment
Intense Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Yeah I kind of understood that this was a matter of a long term relationship from the last post. I guess if a girl is standing by herself there is nothing wrong with being direct, however, in a bar (no, that does not mean drunk) I've noticed how the friends of the girl often become a problem if I go direct and therefore it is better to use indirect methods. Have you not experienced having your friends drag you away from a guy after he comes up too direct? Link to comment
Ammy Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Yeah I kind of understood that this was a matter of a long term relationship from the last post. I guess if a girl is standing by herself there is nothing wrong with being direct, however, in a bar (no, that does not mean drunk) I've noticed how the friends of the girl often become a problem if I go direct and therefore it is better to use indirect methods. Have you not experienced having your friends drag you away from a guy after he comes up too direct? I wouldn't know. I don't get approached in bars. I don't think my friends would pull me away if a decent, non drunk guy approached me and gave me a compliment. Ammy Link to comment
Cen Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Yeah I definitely just meant within the context of the relationship, though oddly enough I do have an easier time telling someone they look nice before I actually start getting to know them... so it indeed could be a slight fear of putting myself out there with someone I actually care about. Ammy, in response to your suggestions about letting her know how I'm feeling in other ways I've actually been very conscious of those things as well, holding her hand, putting my arm around her etc... I've had trouble with that stuff in the past as well but I can feel myself growing more comfortable with it now .. just have to get past the last hurdle of actually verbalizing it. I haven't been in any kind of relationship for about 7 or 8 months, and during that time I remember it feeling so ridiculous that I struggled with these kinds of things so I promised myself that next time I'd really try to start off on the right foot so I wouldn't end up with the same issues, it's a bit frustrating to still feel some of those reservations holding me back. Thanks so much for the input guys! Link to comment
ind2 Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Awww... sorry, but I think this is a really cute post! Anyway, I don't think telling her she's beautiful will make or break your relationship. Definitely don't tell her she's beautiful because you think she'll dump you if you don't. Otherwise your delivery will probably come off contrived, and it just won't jive well on her end. I think there are definitely non-verbal ways of telling someone they're beautiful. If you can't peel your eyes off her--that's a good sign! Just by looking at her meaningfully instead of looking at some pretty girl walking by implies that you're really attracted to her. Or even if you do something cheesy like whistle to yourself when she really dresses up gets the message accross. Are there other words besides "beautiful" that might be easier to deliver? I feel like "beautiful" is a word that's so prevalent in movies, it might feel scripted to use even in real life. What about something simpler like "you look really good tonight?" Or even a joke about not being able to do whatever like focus on the movie you're going to watch (with the implication that you'll be too busy looking at her). I honestly think that being called "smoking hot" by someone I know/am dating is as good a compliment as "beautiful" (as long as delivered tastefully). Or at least I would be turned on by that (beautiful is what your friends and family give you, so it's nice to hear a nice spectrum of compliments from SOs!). I mean, as a last resort, why not send a text after a date saying, "had a good time, you looked beautiful/great/awesome tonight, see you tomorrow"? Or if that's not enough, you could write a letter explaining that it's hard for you to say because it's not your style or doesn't come naturally to you to tell someone point blank, but feel that it's important that she know she's beautiful? I think any girl would really appreciate the honesty and time that goes into a letter like that. Link to comment
SnowFox Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Maybe try some variation in the compliments you give- Wow, you look great! What a pretty dress! Your hair looks gorgeous! You are so hot! Wow, you look amazing! God you are gorgeous! - are you inhibited in other areas of life or just in this arena of giving compliments to women you are dating? Link to comment
dr_styles Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I'm very hesitant to give these sorts of complements too because I think it might come off as shallow, only interested to get in her pants, or sleezy, those sorts of things. And being the nice guy, always better safe than sorry ... Link to comment
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