Two different sides to my girlfriend

[guidedbylights]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years now (although I've known her for about 5), and I love her so much - but it's becoming ever more clear that this isn't going to last much longer.

 

When I met my girlfriend, she was clinically depressed and was extremely unconfident. It took me a while to actually speak with her properly, but when I did I realised how much of a lovely girl she was, and we were friends for a while before we became a couple. I knew how low her self esteem was from my long friendship with her, and she'd often wonder why I even want to be friends with her. I never really understood why this is - until we started going out.

 

Now I'd like to introduce her sister, who is a few years older than my girlfriend. She is the primary reason for my girlfriends lack of confidence, for reasons I will explain. I first realised when my girlfriend was afraid to tell her sister that me and her were going out. I was not the 'type' that my girlfriends sister wanted for her, which in all honesty is because I'm not a 'gangster' type and I'm generally a good guy. Her sister dates these type of people, and has been a victim of violence in the past so I was shocked that she wanted her little sister to have a boyfriend like that too. When I would see her sister, she would often make remarks about the clothes I wear (which are not extravagent or anything - something as trivial as having jeans which are an inch 'skinnier' on the bottom.

 

Anyway, her sister excerts that behavior on her sister - who is often scared to wear things, or do things that her sister disagrees with. She often called her 'fat' (which caused her to become a few lbs off being clinically anorexic), and would call her dumb because of trivial things like forgetting something. All this seems to have had a massive effect on her, as she actually believes these things, and has told me that she feels inferior to her sister in everyway. She's also told me that she would point out more 'attractive' girls and say things like 'I bet you wish you could be like that'.

 

Rather than explain even more things her sister did to shatter her confidence, I'll move on. Her sister now has a boyfriend, who is essentially a replacement for my girlfriend, as she moved out with her boyfriend a long time ago. By that I mean, she is controlling and destroying the confidence of her boyfriend too. My girlfriend, who pretty much sees her sister as a role model, has now gone into treating me that way. The slightest thing I do (i.e. buy a certain birthday card for my family, want to buy a certain piece of clothing, or even what I put in my Facebook status) is criticized by her, and she turns it into a huge argument. I've explained to her that I'm not letting myself live that way, and sometimes she seems to understand, but it's like a cycle.

 

It's like the only time she feels like a real girlfriend is when she falls out with her sister, because she then seems to realise that she doesn't have to copy her sister, and she actually seems to want to take action on being controlled by her sister. But as soon as they stop argueing, she goes back to that mode. I feel like I'm being used - she only actually wants to know me, and only treats me well when she's not getting on with her sister. When she is, she seems to be willing to leave me at the drop of a hat. For example - my sister recently had C-Section, and because she has a toddler already, and heamoraged in surgery, I stayed home one weekend (I usually stay over my girlfriends on weekends) to help my sister out as she's a single mother, and our mother has passed away so she has no one else to help. I told my girlfriend she can stay over mine if she wants, but she ended up not speaking to me for a day, which I then text her trying to explain - the texts ended with her telling me no girl would ever want to go out with me.

 

The funny thing, is the next day I met up with her to try to sort things out (to be honest, I prepared to just separate with her). She was like nothing has happened at all - and was telling me how rude her sister is (seems like they had another argument)...rather than bring it up I stupidly didn't mention it all.

 

So that's where I am now - I have no idea what to do. There's so many things I haven't mentioned but I don't think I'd have enough room! As you can understand this has shattered my confidence too, and I really wish I didn't love her...but I do. She doesn't know any other ways of treating men, she's only going by what her sister does...I've tried to explain things are different for most people but she won't listen. Is this relationship doomed, or is there anything I can do to save this?

 

Thanks, and sorry for the long post!

[hexaemeron]

Okay, in order of priority:

 

Your gf's sister needs curbstomped, twice. She sounds like a foul human being.

 

Your gf needs to become your ex gf and also needs curbstomped. If she's such a mental weakling to not stand up for herself in any meaningful way and live her own life, then she deserves (honestly) everything that comes from Sister Dearest.

 

You need a hug, a blow job and a shot of Evan Williams.

[annalisa84]

I repped Hexaemeron for his answer I agree 100%

 

Too much unnecessary drama in your life. You sound so understanding and caring, you deserve to be treated the same. Your girlfriend has too many issues and those issues.. you cannot fix them. Most liekly she needs some time to be by herself and grow up.

[pinkelephant]

she has to learn to be her own person. until then, this is who she is.

[whywhywhywhy]

You should end it

[faithful14]

I think like a previous poster said, she has to learn be her own person. She has to realize on her own that she is trying to act like her (really rude) sister. It doesn't matter how much logic and reasoning you provide her, she will only change when she sees that she needs to. Plus, a girlfriend should be your friend, someone who builds you up and makes you feel good about yourself after spending time with them. You've tried to tell her but she wont listen.

 

So in what way do you think you can get through to her? If she doesn't want to change and she doesn't listen to anything you say, or doesn't put any effort into making you happy, why be with her? I understand it's hard to let go of someone you truly love and care about, but this relationship seems to be ruining your self-esteem and is sucking away at your happiness. I would say that if she at least made an honest effort to change her ways or even be more respectful towards you, then stick out and hope for the best.

[mca1975]

My sister has the same hold over me, though your GF's sister sounds a lot worse. Its a horrible magnetic pull that you can't get out of, even though you know its wrong. Its about control.

 

I'm so sorry.

[guidedbylights]

Thanks for your advice and replies everyone, and I'm really sorry to hear that mca1975 - I can see how awful it is

 

Anyway, we had a serious talk last night where quite shockingly we talked without it turning into an argument. I showed her this same question which I posted on another forum, and I felt really guilty because she couldn't sleep because she kept thinking about it, and picturing me writing it. I haven't had a chance to speak to her properly about what she means yet, but she certainly seems to understand my point, but she doesn't ever think she'll get better, and I'm not sure how to help her either

 

Another thing which I perhaps didn't mention is that she lives with her mother (her mother and father seperated). Her mother can sort of see what's going on, but most of it happened while her mother wasn't around.

 

While her mother isn't any where near as bad as her sister, I wish she'd encourage her to get help for her confidence/see a counsellor. It seems like most people are happy with her being like that, but being her boyfriend I see a totally different side to her where she doesn't really believe I love her, and the less said about 'sex' life the better...but, it's a small part of a relationship to me, and I'd much prefer her just to be happy with her herself and be confident.

 

But I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't be trying to make her confident as I am...while she'd obviously be happier, she doesn't seem to think that she ever will be, and I'm at a loss on what to do so I'm starting to think maybe I should let it go, and let her do what she wants. Perhaps I'm wrong and she isn't being controlled anyway...bah, my minds are a complete mess lol.

[Jon_Gersham]

Okay, in order of priority:

 

Your gf's sister needs curbstomped, twice. She sounds like a foul human being.

 

Your gf needs to become your ex gf and also needs curbstomped. If she's such a mental weakling to not stand up for herself in any meaningful way and live her own life, then she deserves (honestly) everything that comes from Sister Dearest.

 

You need a hug, a blow job and a shot of Evan Williams.

 

 

This man is a genius.

 

And seriously dude, you sound like an awesome guy. This chick came with baggage a professional needs to attend to, not you. The only thing I see you being able to do, is telling her it's not good that she's acting like that for her or you. And break up with her. The shock of losing just about the only support she has and the guy she at least likes may jerk her out of this behavior. She might wanna get back together and fix things, she might not, but you will be better of either way.