Cut toxic mother off

[superbunny]

This is my very first post. I'm all excited!! lol

 

I just recently cut myself off from my controlling mother. She has always been physically and psychologically abusive towards me.

 

My father died before I learned to walk. My mother never remarried or kept a boyfriend. Instead, she became fixated on me, criticizing me, putting me down, and basically controlling me. She poisoned the relationships I had with my relatives and now they don't want to approach me in fear that they may have a confrontation with her.

 

The physical abuse started when I was in high school. That's about the time kids start asserting themselves as individuals, right? I remember she was launching another tirade against me, why I'm ugly (I've learned I'm not), why I'm crazy (I'm normal), why everything wrong in her life is my fault (her problems aren't mine). It was then I made the mistake of sticking up for myself. Until then I had always let her walk all over me. Well that got her mad! She rushed to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest kitchen knife and chased me intending to stab me with it. She threatened me plenty of times before with that same knife, but that was the first time she 'chased' me. I was terrified, I ran to the bathroom to protect myself. She almost made her way in but I was able to lean against the door before she pushed her way in. She was still intent on slicing me so she ran the blade of the knife under the door hoping to cut my feet. I wasn't hurt but I slept most of the night on the bathroom floor too scared to come out and call for help.

 

Fast forward 5 years. I was 20 years old. Still living at home. I hadn't found a way out. No job. Stuck for at least another year in college. Too afraid I'd lose my savings if I moved out and too afraid I'd fall flat on my face and have to come crawling back if I tried to leave. Very few friends. One day I made the mistake of saying I want to die. She called the police on me. I made the second mistake of admitting I said I want to to die to the police officer. He handcuffs me, assures me he's not arresting me and takes me to the mental hospital. They released me the following day. Three weeks later I pay a bill for $900 for my one night stay.

 

Three months after that, still desperate to get out, I marry the first guy who proposes to me. He's controlling. Predictable, isn't it? At least he's not physically abusive. Compared to my mother, he's quite tolerable.

 

Fast forward another 4 years to the present day. I finally realize it's not worth waiting for my mother to die and inherit a house in the suburbs. She was actually surprised when I cut her off, she thought she was a great parent.

 

I am beginning to feel my personality come back. I feel...liberated? I mean nothing has really changed except that she isn't making my phone ring off the hook like she usually does. I'm glad I finally cut her off but I'm sad that it happened when I'm 25 and not when I was teenager bound for college.

[nutbrownhare]

Actually, it sounds as though your mother has some kind of personality disorder. She is clearly a very troubled woman. I'm glad for your own sanity that you've been able to cut contact with her.

 

I'm concerned, though, because nobody could have an upbringing like that and not have some issues around intimate relationships, so you may need to take care of yourself if you find yourself involved in abusive or controlling relationships - and be careful that you yourself don't fall into the role of abuser.

 

All the very very best of luck in this, and well done!

[superbunny]

Actually, it sounds as though your mother has some kind of personality disorder. She is clearly a very troubled woman. I'm glad for your own sanity that you've been able to cut contact with her.

 

I'm concerned, though, because nobody could have an upbringing like that and not have some issues around intimate relationships, so you may need to take care of yourself if you find yourself involved in abusive or controlling relationships - and be careful that you yourself don't fall into the role of abuser.

 

All the very very best of luck in this, and well done!

 

I know I have trust issues. I've noticed I deliberately avoid forming friendships. I mean I go out of my way to avoid bonding with someone because if my own mother was capable of hurting me, why not a stranger?

 

My mother was very good at painting the world to be a scary place. She told me not to open the miniblinds because "someone will shoot you" through the window. Like miniblinds are going to protect you from shrapnel rounds. Our house was always dark like a cave.

 

When I moved to my apartment one of the first things I did was open the windows all the way...then I had to close them a little because the ac was going nonstop. lol

[arcadefire]

Just be glad that you are cutting yourself off such a toxic relationship, even to someone as close to you as your own mother. She has little care for you, and keeping such a tie close to you is only going to result in more pain. I'm glad to know that you are doing better on your own.

[nutbrownhare]

I know I have trust issues. I've noticed I deliberately avoid forming friendships. I mean I go out of my way to avoid bonding with someone because if my own mother was capable of hurting me, why not a stranger?

 

My mother was very good at painting the world to be a scary place. She told me not to open the miniblinds because "someone will shoot you" through the window. Like miniblinds are going to protect you from shrapnel rounds. Our house was always dark like a cave.

 

When I moved to my apartment one of the first things I did was open the windows all the way...then I had to close them a little because the ac was going nonstop. lol

 

I sometimes think we all give other people a little taste of what it's like to be us - which I guess is another way of saying 'We get back what we give out'. It's really obvious, though, in people who are very disturbed. Not only did she make the world out to be a scary place in a general sense, but she sounds like a very scary person to be around. It can sometimes be helpful to remember that her world (at least the way she viewed it) IS a very scary place - because she's made it that way.

 

It sounds as though you've 'opened the windows' in more ways than one!