dopaminefiend7 Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 hi..so i got scared and I’ m sorry I just bailed on you…I didn’t even try to talk to you or ask if everything was okay with you. I was just so badly hurt last time*****and I did not want to feel that way again so as soon as I saw the slightest bit of a red flag everything in me just said to RUN! I care about you so much and I want nothing more than to at the very least just be a part of your life. I also didn’t want to interfere with your sobriety as I always tend to do. Obviously there are feelings between you and I that no matter how much time goes by never seem to fade and that has got to mean something. Despite never really having a set plan I so enjoyed those few weeks we spent together. You were so affectionate and attentive and treated me better than any other time we were together and I can’t begin to tell you how much that meant to me. It was definitely appreciated and noticed. The bond that we share seems stronger to me than any other relationship I have had solely because it is a sober one. Every laugh, moment, word is meant and remembered which also makes it that much harder. For once I don’t even know if I really want to be in a relationship. Anyways just know that my backing out was nothing to do with you personally not that it matters now, but I hope there is still a chance we can be one day be friends. Link to comment
dundermiflin Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Maybe he's still hurt or trying to mull it over? Or, might be angry about being dumped and isn't ready to be your friend yet? Link to comment
bronte Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 I'm sorry, I know getting no response at all to something heartfelt really hurts...You may hear from him eventually, when the pain from the break-up is a little less fresh. Even though you're apologizing for the way you broke up with him, you end the message with an offer of friendship, not reconciliation, so he may not have not responded simply because he's not ready to transition into being friends at this point. Leave him alone for a bit and see what happens. Link to comment
dundermiflin Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Or, maybe when you broke up with him, he didn't stick with sobriety and is ashamed? Also, it didn't necessarily sound like something he was supposed to reply to. More like a declaration, and something to kind of "smooth him over". Maybe if you had asked specifically if the two of you could talk, he would've responded. I would give him a little time and then maybe poke him and ask him how he's doing; see if he responds in a friendly way then. Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 No offense, as a dumpee, if I got that kind of letter, I would be ticked off. I know you are trying to start communication with him again in some way... but it feels like you are pouring/rubbing salt into a wound. Give him time to heal and he may contact you... but I am not surprised that he hasn't contacted you. Link to comment
dopaminefiend7 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 doiiieezie what is it about the letter that you would be ticked off about...honestly i do still love him and in alot of way want to be back with him...just didnt want to send my heart over to be sent back...he had actually started to back off in the relationship so in a lot of ways i thought he would be pleased we were on the same pg? but ya i dunno Link to comment
dopaminefiend7 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 the story so my ex and i first dated about 2 years ago we are both in recovery...i was his first real relationship along with being the first girl he ever said I love you too...his mom and i were super close and she would always tell me how strange it was to see him being in a relationship...he had actually told me from the beginning "I never let anyone get that close" and my response literally was "Well we'll change that" ....i know healthy!...anyways....he randomly broke up with me after a few months and never really gave me an explanation.......i was heartbroken and just didnt understand...i finally let go when he moved to seattle and i had a solid year to move on....well of course as fate would have it he moved back randomly..and then added me on myspace...as soon as i saw the friend request my heart was racing...next thing i know hes IMing me the next day and then from then on started to leave random comments on my page and would continue IMing when we were both on...this was all new to me because before I was ALWAYS the one to chase him and make the first move or contact...finally we talked on the phone for FOUR HOURS!! he kept bringing up every detail of our past (the good things) and we laughed and had a great connection...a couple days later we hung out....and he kissed me i told him i was afraid..he asked why and i told him he just left last time..he explained that with where he was at in sobriety at that point it just didnt feel right..and was sorry he never explained that to me but he understood why i was afraid...i told him i knew we hadnt established what we were doing and i was ok with that but we need to take things slooooow..he agreed ( i should mention to you at this point he only has about 2 and half months of sobriety i have 2 and half YEARS..) he said he himself wasnt sure what was the right decision on where to go with what we were doing...so we just continued hanging out and pretty much dating he called every night and he was actually taking me out on dates which he NEVER paid last time around...i did because he was unemployed...and even now he was tight for money but would still take me out..he still didnt have a car so despite me driving us places he would fill up my tank..and always make sure to ask me if i needed anything or would just get me something when he did for himself..very sweet..of course you can only take it slow for so long when you've already been with someone so we had sex...he could not finish..we tried 3 different times and it just wouldnt happen...i was very sure to be observant of if he was going to start to be distant when this happened but he was still very affectionate and close...i was surprised because in the past he had always hated being touched when he slept and had even mentioned the last girl he dated annoyed him because she was constantly touching him and while he slept...but he would wrap around me when we slept...in fact i was the one annoyed because it would be hard to sleep with him all over me...but it was nice...he would wak eup and kiss me in the middle of the nightafter our last sexual situation he brought me over to his moms to hang out for a bit and she had invited us to come to dinner that sunday i watched him and he seemed to look scared?? i told her i had to work and he said "we;ll see whats up" which is an annoying response i hate ...he called me a day later but i was on the phone with an upset friend and said id call him back....i couldnt get a hold of him for the next couple days (he doesnt have a phone so i have to call the house and if no ones there no answer) last time he had called was a friday then finally friggin MONDAY he calls...and sounds SUPER DISTANT i asked what his schedule was that week and he said he worked all week which had never been a problem before? i was like ok so what mornings nights...? i told him i was off the next day and did he wanna hang out..he said he was maybe gonna hang out with this guy but he wasnt sure he'd give me a call...that night i broke up with him through email ( i know i suck) I said "Hey i dont think we should keep doing whatever it is we're doing..im already seeing red flags and honestly i have too much on my plate right now to worry about this (fulltimeschool) I know we never established what this was but i dont appreciate being left in the dark for a few days i deserve more consideration than that i wish you all the best...take care....he read it and never responded...i feel like i should have talked to him first or something but it felt like he was about to bail anyway...i love him so this really sucks...we ve been on NC for a month and i broke it with the email a couple days ago Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Well honestly if he was backing off and if during the breakup he said... you know... i agree... this isn't going to work, then I could see how. I saw your post on loveshack and I think the general comments were that you were basically giving him the ol' lets be friends thing which gives off mixed signals. If you want him back, give him time, of course you can't change the letter now but really start the conversation again if you have the chance- do not define what is going on, just talk. Even if you two were on the same page, if he ashamed of his problems or not, rejection is rejection. It stings like anything... and you should give him at least a few weeks to respond... you know? Don't expect anything to happen overnight. Link to comment
dopaminefiend7 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 - do not define what is going on, just talk. excellent point...i didnt realize i was doing that.. Link to comment
kiter Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 He has two months sobriety you have two years. I believe that it is strongly suggested that one not engage in intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety. Link to comment
becca0194 Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 You read on here over and over that not to settle for friends if you want more. Maybe that is exactly what he is doing. You are clearly saying you just want to be friends. That probably is not enough for him and you need to respect that. Just curious about two things ...why are you posting this on the "getting back together" board? What do you mean by AWESOME in your subject line? Link to comment
dopaminefiend7 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 Hey becca i guess i put it in the getting back together board because we have always been in ....in between phases and generally end up getting back together...but yea this was the first time ive broken up with him...this dumper position is actually very uncomfortable for me..i know i didnt go about it in the most honest way but i DO truly want more from him then a friendship i just thought he maybe just wanted a friendship which is why he started to show red flags..but yeah some people told me that words say nothing so i should show him by GOING in person to talk to him...and be honest...thoughts? Link to comment
becca0194 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I would ask him if it is ok to get together and talk. Then be honest and tell him the things you just said to me. If he is interested, take small steps together on rebuilding. If he is not interested...you need to respect that. Let me know what you decide. Link to comment
dopaminefiend7 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 starting to get bummed out again...he hasnt been online since he read my letter a few days ago...got some pretty negative responses on another forum telling me if if he wanted to be with me he wouldnt have contacted me within a few weeks of being broken up with..buuut that kinda goes against everything i have been reading on here about how the dumpees generally go into NC til the dumper says the magic words "i want to get back together"....really hating that the main thing my message says is i just want to be friends because i thought it was apparent i also said i have feelings for him that never seem to fade..but yeah so guys whatya think.....is he pissed...hurt or just sayin F ME... Link to comment
becca0194 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I think he is in his cave. (from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). You need to let him approach when he is ready. There is no way of knowing if he is pissed, hurt or whatever. Accept that and maybe you won't obsess on figuring it. I think if you contact again, he will go further into the cave. I also think that is nonsense about him contacting you within weeks or forget it. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 ...got some pretty negative responses on another forum telling me if if he wanted to be with me he wouldnt have contacted me within a few weeks of being broken up with. Becca's right. That's nonsense. buuut that kinda goes against everything i have been reading on here about how the dumpees generally go into NC til the dumper says the magic words "i want to get back together".... Problem is, that part's mostly nonsense too. Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I think he is in his cave. (from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). You need to let him approach when he is ready. There is no way of knowing if he is pissed, hurt or whatever. Accept that and maybe you won't obsess on figuring it. I think if you contact again, he will go further into the cave. I also think that is nonsense about him contacting you within weeks or forget it. Agreed... I know that my ex is in his... and although I want to shake him silly... lol it's not up to me to rattle the cage. Becca's right. That's nonsense. Problem is, that part's mostly nonsense too. The best advice you will ever get? Follow your heart and use your brain. No one here can determine what your ex or you are going through. Link to comment
dopaminefiend7 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 yea correction he WOULD have contacted me within a few weeks of being broken up with if he cared i accidentally typed wouldnt...yea i was like ummm that sounds like B.S. anyways yea im just following what becca said and giving him his space i put what i put out there and however he is taking it is not my business for now i guess...i miss him... Link to comment
rigguy Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 yea correction he WOULD have contacted me within a few weeks of being broken up with if he cared i accidentally typed wouldnt...yea i was like ummm that sounds like B.S. anyways yea im just following what becca said and giving him his space i put what i put out there and however he is taking it is not my business for now i guess...i miss him... Hmmm... am I missing something. Tought you dumped him. Ya it is none of your business, you made a choice, live with it or do something about it. Sorry I am not much help. Link to comment
dopaminefiend7 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 this weekend has been pretty hard..continuing to try to let go of the outcome...i know i broke it off and i get that..i was scared no excuse..i just wish i could talk to him about everything..that negative feedback i got really pushed me down..that if he really cared he would have contacted me..he has always been a prideful guy so i defintely dont see him doin that. i hate that i hurt him despite how much he has hurt me in our past. Love is patient right... Link to comment
rigguy Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 this weekend has been pretty hard..continuing to try to let go of the outcome...i know i broke it off and i get that..i was scared no excuse..i just wish i could talk to him about everything..that negative feedback i got really pushed me down..that if he really cared he would have contacted me..he has always been a prideful guy so i defintely dont see him doin that. i hate that i hurt him despite how much he has hurt me in our past. Love is patient right... Dop, you know it is hard to be sympathetic to someone that threw it all away. I know you had a good reasonssss but none the less. Hey I think if the love was there, you guys bound to work it out as long as you keep your mind open. Open to change that is. I am cheering for you!!! Link to comment
dopaminefiend7 Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 thanks rigguy! it is interesting to me the way my letter comes off and my true feelings...everyone that has read it pretty much agrees that I am confirming the end of "us" and trying to solidify a friendship...so what am I to do now...i wouldnt respond if i were him either because I wouldnt want JUST friendship...becca mentioned him being in "his cave" the theory from men are from mars women are from venus...is it agreed that if i were to contact him further LEAVING OUT THE FRIENDSHIP OFFERINGS it would only push him further in..thoughts? it has been a week since I sent the letter without a reply from him Link to comment
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