I don't know what's happening - is it normal?

[cake]

My boyfriend and I have a twenty year age difference and we've been together five years (I am the younger one, he is the older one). We never had any problems until I got ill with a longterm medical condition which has meant that for the past three years I've found it hard to physically have sex. I have still been able to have it, but haven't had the same pleasure or drive for it. The illness has also affected how much I want to travel and experience new things and also has limited the practical things I am able to do like housework. It is quite obvious that he quietly resents me for this and the lack of creativity, freedom and spontaneity it takes from the relationship, but he never admits it, blaming instead my attitude, or the things I "could do" but I don't.

 

While we've stayed together through the rocky patches of my illness, we have drifted into two internal worlds where we are in different places most of the time, even though we live together and are in each other's company all of the time. I started it because I spent a lot of time trying to deal with pain, and instead of communicating about it , I found it easier to zone out. In reaction, he zoned out too, and now we're like two cohabiting zombies. While my physical situation is putting the most limits on the relationship, I feel like the only one trying to resolve the problems that the limits present. I have suggested relationship counselling to see if there is anything we can to solve this.

 

I really want to get married and perhaps have children but he always says he thinks marriage is rubbish. I keep thinking that is I can get more well and contribute more to the relationship it might pop it back to life and he may then marry me. But what I really want to know is:

 

How do you undo the problem of living like cohabiting zombies when one of you refuses to acknowledge there is a problem in the first place?

[thetruth]

well if it's obvious the underhanded comments , then he is not refusing to acknowledge it.

 

i don't want this to sound harsh, but it is. he thinks the problem is entirely in your court, and he doesn't say anything either because he cares and doesn't want to hurt you, or he doesn't want drama.

 

either way he probably doesn't see why he should go to counseling or do anything different, when the problem to him is very obvious.

[hexaemeron]

Well, this is hard. Basically, he hasn't walked down the aisle, said "for better for worse, in sickness and in health" and his relationship is gone.

 

I mean, the things you describe basically point to "There is no fun anymore and can't be because I am sick"

 

And that's not your fault. He's mad at you, but he should really be mad at the illness.

 

No one wants to feel like they've wasted time on a relationship that just up and died. And that's probably how he feels.

 

How would you feel if he wasn't able to work or have sex or want to do anything? Can you say you'd feel any different?

[Dinka]

I really want to get married and perhaps have children but he always says he thinks marriage is rubbish. I keep thinking that is I can get more well and contribute more to the relationship it might pop it back to life and he may then marry me.

 

No, no, no, no, N-O.

 

I am very sorry to hear that you are dealing with an illness that is affecting your relationship, but marriage is certainly not something you should be considering with this man right now. If you being sick is a contributing factor to him not wanting to marry you, then what happens if you DO get better...you get married...and then you get sick again? Will he be supportive, or accusatory?

 

These problems need to be dealt with outside of that view. He needs to be willing to understand what it is that you're going through. Perhaps sit down and discuss the issue with him when things AREN'T in the middle of getting hot n' heavy or in the middle f cancelling exciting plans...maybe take him out and chat with him about it over tea. This way it doesn't seem like you're making last-minute excuses, but establishing that there is a problem, and then perhaps chat about what you can do to make it work?