Sex as a.. drug.

[ay0_x]

I've been single for a while & with said singleness .. I'm basically in a drought of all physical intimacy.. no kissing no touching no sex etc. I'm a physical person when it comes to relationships, so it's already a little hard for me.. but I've never kissed anyone (and therefore have never done anything more intimate) who I wasn't in an exclusive relationship with.

 

I have a friend who kind of lives a parallel life to mine. We have nearly identical personalities, lifestyles, goals, aspirations etc. Both of us also have the same problems & stressful issues to deal with.

 

For her, sex is a drug. When I asked her how come her number was relatively high (she's 18, her number is 8], she said "I'm a student. I can't binge drink. If I could binge drink, I wouldn't be having sex. But I can't". We started talking about our problems etc & she suggested that I do the same thing to.. deal. The idea kind of creeped me out, kind of disgusted me but at the same time... I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't cross my mind for a second. She suggested "recycling" my ex's... "That's what ex's are for, right?".

 

When I think of casual sex, all the consequences come into my head. I don't want a high number. I know to many of you 8 might not be a lot.. but to me, at this age, at this point in my life, it's very daunting; my number of 2 already causes me a little anxiety. The idea of a longterm FWB is scary to me too. In my head I'm always thinking "What would my future husband say?". I also hate the idea of using someone for sex, regardless of mutuality.

 

So basically, I need some pep talk from you guys, and if you disagree with me, i'd love to hear your opinions too. I hate these feelings of loneliness that lack of physical affection is causing me, but at the same time I can't bring myself to do anything about it.

[waveseer]

It would never have dawned on me that I could keep the count static by sexing the exes. I am duly astounded at the logic there.

[ay0_x]

It would never have dawned on me that I could keep the count static by sexing the exes. I am duly astounded at the logic there.

 

I know, she's devious. But... I don't think my imagined Mr Right would like to know that I had sex with my ex's because I was desperate. Ew, gross.

[waveseer]

I know, she's devious. But... I don't think my imagined Mr Right would like to know that I had sex with my ex's because I was desperate. Ew, gross.

 

I don't think it's a crime to have sex with someone who used to be in a prominent role in your life. I was commenting on the idea that the "number" can be manipulated in such a way. I'm sure I would never have done that just for the number remaining the same since I really didn't count. It's actually kind of a scary thought because aren't most exes exes for good reasons? I have never had good luck with an ex.

[ay0_x]

I don't think it's a crime to have sex with someone who used to be in a prominent role in your life. I was commenting on the idea that the "number" can be manipulated in such a way. I'm sure I would never have done that just for the number remaining the same since I really didn't count. It's actually kind of a scary thought because aren't most exes exes for good reasons? I have never had good luck with an ex.

 

I don't think it's a crime as such but.. IMHO it's counterproductive to anything getting better. Really, I would rather my boyfriend say he'd slept with 20 girls, than say he'd slept with 5, and gone back to his ex's for sex more than once.

[intolerable]

I personally wouldn't do it. It's just against my beliefs and preference. I don't know... the idea of having sex with my ex seems kind of strange to me, since (call me traditional, I don't care) I still believe that it should be shared by two people who love each other.

[hers]

You know yourself well enough to know if you could handle a fwb. That's a lot more than others can say, and that's why so many people go into those types of relationships and get hurt. If you know beforehand that you couldn't handle that sort of set up, I wouldn't do it.

 

Regarding ex recycling, I've never been one to do that b/c I've always treated my exes like crap after the breakups so I never had a chance to recylce them anyway. But I'm in agreement about the boyfriend sleeping with 20 girls rather than seeing his exes over and over for sex.

 

Personally, regarding sex as a drug, I know for me (can't speak for your friend), I sometimes use sex as a way to cope with things I can't handle, much like a person would use drugs or alcohol. That's not healthy.

 

Now, for your friend, I'm not sure if it's the way you delivered it in your OP or if this is how she is, but it sounds like she's using sex as a way to "fit in". She's a student, where people drink a lot b/c it's "what they do at college". But since she can't drink, she has sex to fit in. That's not healthy either and I don't recommend adopting the same attitude.

[ay0_x]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

 

 

I know that using sex as a drug is not healthy... but... it's very... easy to do.

 

Regarding my friend, I doubt very much she has sex to fit in. She doesn't confide in anyone else about her affairs because we live in a pretty conservative community; I've known her since 7th grade so that's why she confides in me. I'm pretty sure 80% of people she knows have no idea what she gets up to so I really doubt it's a fitting in thing.

[jul-els]

Using sex to cope with problems is how addictive patterns get established. It's a really bad idea.

 

I think your outlook is a healthy one. You know your boundaries and what you want. If you want physical intimacy, you can go on dates in which you can hold hands, kiss, hug, snuggle and all that without having sex. I suggest you do that until you find the one you want to actually have sex with. And if all you want is an orgasm then you don't really need any one for that, so that's easy to deal with.

[arcadefire]

I don't think it's ever a good idea to use an ex for sex. You're way better off finding another person to build a relationship with and have sex with than with a failed relationship partner.

 

And being a sex addict can be fixed, just like a smoking addiction and everything. Casual sex is actually quite dangerous, even with an ex, because you don't know how many people your ex has slept with since you two broke up.

[addictedblue]

I used to think I could just have sex with a guy I found attractive without the relationship part...but it always ends up crappy to me. Coming from someone with experience doing exactly what you're talking about (going back to an ex just for casual sex) ... I'd say it isn't worth it. Of course the hour or so of foreplay and sex is great...and then there's a feeling of emptiness afterwards. On the one hand you are completely free and can see whoever you want whenever without commitment and still get to be intimate with someone, but so can the guy and who knows when he'll just stop seeing you for someone he actually has a good connection with. For me sex causes increased feelings...and it's not even just me, it's a chemical thing; hormones are released when you sleep with someone that make you like them more. You can just repeatedly tell yourself "This is just for fun. I don't care about him. I have no feelings for him, I'm just having sex with him for the fun of it," but if you like a guy enough to hook up than getting out of it without getting hurt isn't going to be as easy as you think, in my opinion. Hope this helps. I say wait until you find a guy you actually want to be with in the daytime in public with clothes on.

[hurley21]

Your friend is thinking very unhealthy thoughts. She obviously has other issues on her plate if she thinks sex is something like binge drinking.

 

If sex means something to you, than that is great. You shouldn't strive to change that about yourself.

 

Being single is a time to get yourself together so when you do meet someone that you want to be with, you have the best possible version of yourself to offer. Your friend is such a toxic influence because she is clearly jaded and at only a mere age 18! We love our friends despite their problems, but you have your own set of morals and you should stick to them.

[Batya33]

Why do you have to have sex? Why not just go on dates with the goal of meeting a special person and if you like the guy, hug/kiss/cuddle? I didn't feel that void in my life when I was your age - I chose to wait until I was 24 to have sex and never regretted doing so or felt lonely, etc.

[ahandicap]

Well, if there's anything I know a lot about, it's drugs. And I must say, sex is an okay drug. It releases many of the same chemicals in your brain that illicit drugs do. Perhaps not in copious amounts, but it still equates to a great time.

Mix 'em sometime, it's fun

 

My opinion: Think of it as I do when I'm about to take chemicals into my body. Weigh your moral/ethical values against the problems that will be solved by your "use". If your morals outweigh the problem at hand, just don't do it. If solving your problem will benefit you more than holding onto your morals, DO IT!

 

But also keep in mind (one lesson I've learned...)

The relief you get from a drug or something similar is temporary.

Your problems still exist, they're just hidden by a smoke screen.

The only way to truly fix this problem is by forming a relationship with someone who can satisfy your needs.

 

To add to that, if your morals are important to you and you let them go, you can't undo what's been done. You'll have to live with it.

[ay0_x]

Thanks for the insight everyone.

 

Why do you have to have sex? Why not just go on dates with the goal of meeting a special person and if you like the guy, hug/kiss/cuddle? I didn't feel that void in my life when I was your age - I chose to wait until I was 24 to have sex and never regretted doing so or felt lonely, etc.

 

I don't have to have sex.. But those things you just mentioned...

I guess, guys won't settle for just those things.

I mean... If I met a guy and said I only wanted to do those things...

He'd drop me, because it's not of some "No sex until marriage" moral I have because I've had sex before. He'd think it was hypocritical.

 

Plus.. even with those things.. I don't feel right doing them outside a relationship. Because I feel like it cheaps them. I don't want to cheapen them.

[Batya33]

Thanks for the insight everyone.

 

 

 

I don't have to have sex.. But those things you just mentioned...

I guess, guys won't settle for just those things.

I mean... If I met a guy and said I only wanted to do those things...

He'd drop me, because it's not of some "No sex until marriage" moral I have because I've had sex before. He'd think it was hypocritical.

 

Plus.. even with those things.. I don't feel right doing them outside a relationship. Because I feel like it cheaps them. I don't want to cheapen them.

 

My experience was far different - how in the world is it hypocritical to wait to have sex with a new partner just because you chose to have sex with someone else? So, unless you're a virgin you lose the entitlement to say "I want to wait to have sex until we're serious" without being seen as a hypocrite? I really don't get it, sorry.

 

I never got that reaction in 20 plus years of dating- the typical reaction was "I also want to wait unti we're serious" or "I want to wait until you are comfortable". Did I ever get rejected? Yes, of course, by men who wanted to have sex early on before we were exclusive and that was their entitlement of course. But the overwhelming majority of men were happy to take things at a pace at which I felt comfortable which typically was similar to the pace they wanted to take. I did not feel bitter or cynical about the men who dropped me because I wouldn't have sex on their timetable - usually those dating relationships ended pretty fast.

 

I agree that fooling around casually can cheapen the experience - I was just curious as to why you felt you had to have intercourse - thanks for explaining your view.