My husband looks at porn & lies about it, whats his deal

[alilbitworried]

Hi all! well, I have a big problem...my husband of 5 yrs. has been caught looking at porn and the fact that he looks at it isn't really whats bothering me that bad, it is the fact that he hides it and lies about it when I ask. I myself don't mind the porn but why is he lying? Our marriage has been sorta rocky in the beginning and I have been feeling that things are going great but this pron is in the way. He gets so angry at me when I ask, it is really getting to the point that I can't take much more. I am scared of going thru the hurt he put me thru 3 yrs ago when he cheated on me, I guess in a way that is what I am afraid that he is going to be up to again. What can I do? I love him with all my heart but I feel if he loves me that he would stop this, I mean we have a son together and I feel like it is time to grow up! HELP I need GOOD ADVICE!!!

[Rangoo]

Well, if he is lying about it....maybe he somehow feels that it's wrong and you will be angry about it. Do the two of you have time to be together for yourselves. Are you regularly having sex. Maybe with the young child neither one of you has had much time. Porn is an escape I know that from experience. I use it when I have too. It is much better then cheating.... I am in a situation where sex does not happen, so porn allows me to stay..... sad but true.

 

Try talking to him about having more time together.....tell him that the porn does not bother you, ask him what about it does he like, maybe he will open up and tell you.....and you too can fullfill both your needs.....

Good Luck! 0X

[alilbitworried]

Hi thanks for the advice...Yes, we do have time alone and the sex life part is great, like 3-4 times a week. I just can't figure him out, thats my main problem. I feel that he thinks he is doing wrong and thats why he is angry. I just don't get it, if it makes him feel that bad then why in the world do it? I think that if he knows this is a problem, he would stop, it seems at times that he can't like he is addicted! But anyways thanks again for the advice, good luck in your relationship too!

[irish1977]

Sounds serious enough to you, and that's all that matters right now- how you feel about it. But there are two issues here. One is the porn and two is the lying about it. As for why he looks- that's anybody's guess. Perhaps he just enjoys it, perhaps your sex life is in trouble, or he can't help himself. Perhaps a combination. The bigger problem is the lying. You say he gets angry. Perhaps he's embarrassed/ashamed? But enough about him. I think the main issue here is that you are feeling left out. Perhaps you can watch it or view it with him. Maybe this is something you two can use to spice up your sex life. He probably assumes your think it is "wrong" or gross. If porn itself is not the problem, then I'm assuming you'd be into it, or willing to try bringing it into your sex life. Ask him about it, show interest in it, tell him you think it's sexy- if that's how you feel of course. I'd suspect the lying and the anger would subside. Now, finally, IF you do not want him to view pron, that's your right and a request he must respect if he wants you to stay with him. We need to let ourselves be ourselves, and if viewing porn is something he enjoys, so be it. But you have every right to demend he end engaging in this behavior. I hope this helps.

[Scout]

I understand how you must be feeling. The lying is probably reminding you of how he lied when he cheated. And the fact that he's lying about something to do with other women (in this case, porn) is emphasizing those feelings. You definitely need to bring both of those points to his attention when you talk about this with him. I personally feel that is someone ever cheats - especially if they're married - owes it to their spouse for the rest of their married lives to prove that they are trustworthy again. And there is no way you are going to trust him if he won't even talk to you about this without getting angry and defensive. You're the one who has the right to be upset about this. Now if he had never cheated on you, I would still be upset about the porn thing. I know that many men look at it, but I don't think its right when you're in a committed relationship to look at it very often, if at all. I mean, do women sit around looking at porn on a regular basis? Hardly ever!

 

I think the fact that he's looking at it so much, and becoming angry with you about it when you question him on it is a warning sign that something is not right in how he's treating your marriage right now, and the sooner you both (and I stress both, because he has a responsibility to play fair and shoot straight with you) address it, the better.

[woobiegirl]

If you are 23 and have been married for 5 years, it may just be an avenue of exploration for your husband, although I'm sorry to hear about his cheating if this happened while you were married. If your husband is close to the same age, this may be a way to release sexual tension without feeling like he's cheating, although if it doesn't bother you, then there's no reason he should hide it unless he's embarrased by it. The fact that he gets defensive may mean that he feels guilty about it...maybe he should try it at the end of the evening when your son is in bed and the two of you want to spend some quality time together. On the other hand, if he's locked in a room more than he spends time with you and your son or helping, then it definitely needs to be discussed.

 

I hope it works out for you,

Woobiegirl

[bloo4u]

I just wanted to express to you that although it may not be a part of everyone's relationship, I can relate. My b/f does the same thing! My thoughts were similar when I found out also. Although my b/f knows I don't have a problem with porn, he used to always say things like, "it doesn't do much for me" and "I'm just not that kind of guy". Then when I found it in his p/c, I simply asked if he enjoyed it and didn't want to tell me he did. He got so mad! Yelling and carrying on like I was out of line to ask such a thing. I tried to get him to calm down by expressing to him that it's fine with me and if he doesn't want me to be involved in that, it too would be acceptable to me. But he still continues to lie about eveything that has to do with it. He now has a password to keep me out of his computer and he is constantly on it, if I walk in the room he will cover it up or turn his (laptop) screen away from me. It makes one wonder if they are working so hard to hide something that isn't an issue....what else are they hiding?!!!!!!!

[alilbitworried]

Hi, Thanks for the reply, I am glad I am not the only one with this problem. I sat down and talked to him about it and I told him to quit acting like a child hiding a secret. He sat there and listened(which blew me away). I told him that I didn't mind the porn but it looked to me as if he is hiding it because he thinks he is doing wrong or is ashamed.

 

I told him that we love each other and there shouldn't be anything that we can't share or tell each other, and it seems to have made a change, he gave me all his passwords and hasn't been on the sites since, he even told me to check his history on the internet just to show me that he now understands where I am coming from. I hope this continues and nothing else starts up again.

 

I am just mainly afraid that something may go further like it did before, I trust him but I am still so scared of getting hurt again. But try getting your b/f to sit down and talk this out, ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? see how that goes....thanks again.

[woobiegirl]

Dear alilbitworried,

 

What is really troubling you? Is it that your husband is looking at porn, or that he is denying it? Perhpas a little of both. I doubt he will want to admit it if you view at it as nasty, dirty, or wrong...and it is giving him a guilt complex. How we percieve porn sites, Playboy magazines and other sexual material has allot to do with how we were brought up and how comfortable we feel about our own sexuality. Although you talked, It doesn't sound as if he really answered your questions as to why, or perhaps in his last discussion with you he said what he did to "pacify you" and/or avoid the issue for now. These sites and photos can affect our ego as we may compare ourselves, our looks, our bodies to those in the pictures. Many have a hard time understanding why our significant others need to look at porn when they have us...and wonder "why aren't we enought to satisfy them?" Your husband has his reasons for looking, but for his own reasons, he may not be able to confide in you why. Whatever his reasons, it doesn't justify lying, being sneaky or creating mistrusful feelings for either of you. Nor should you have to mistrust him to the point of checking on him. This is not good for either of you and it will lead to bigger issues for the both of you unless you work it out. Since this is such personal topic and varies with each person, I found a site that may offer better exlanations for you.

 

Take care and let us know how it's going,

Woobiegirl

 

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