Need advice on possible threat to my NC

[Comrade]

I caught a glimpse of my ex last night. If I wasn't already on my way out for a meeting, I would have probably been forced to talk to her for the first time since I initiated NC (its only been 12 days, though).

 

My back story is here: In that thread I talked about this too, but I started this new thread to explain the situation concisely, and to solicit advice.

 

What should you do if you want to keep NC but your ex randomly meets you at a public place? I don't want to have to leave without a reason, because then everyone at my hall will see me just up and leave at the first sight of my ex. And I don't want to give her control over my life, that was one of the reasons why I started NC.

 

It was a mutual breakup, but it was initiated by her. Also, the last time I talked to her she was still seeing someone else (and they seemed close, they are holding hands and he has already been over to her place [which means they are past the flirting and dating phase, ugh]). But I can't help but wonder if she was reaching out to me. She must have considered the fact that I would be there. Do you think she was reaching out? So far she has not tried to contact me, and I'm glad she respected my wishes until now.

 

There's a party on Friday I'm going to. She might be there. Hopefully she wont bring her new boyfriend What should I do if I see her there?

 

I'm really worried about all of this, I'm afraid I could lose all of the progress I've made. I'm also afraid that I could miss my chance for reconciliation.

[tink0688]

Is there any way you can skip the party and go out somewhere else? I'm sure your friends will understand. Most likely she will bring her boyfriend and it will ruin your night. Since she is with someone else there is unfortunately no chance for reconciliation right now. If you try to get her back, it will just make you look desperate and lower your value in her eyes.

[Nynnja]

I'd skip the party. I totally "get" your idea of not wanting her to control your movements but with only 12 days into NC, who needs that!! As well as the guy maybe showing up - yikes.

 

Probably have to face the fact that at some point your paths will cross for some reason. Remember, head held high and keep any interaction brief and polite.

 

If reconcilliation is in the cards then it won't happen at the party. You need more NC

 

I agree with shuttlefish. If at all possible, ask your friends if you can all find an alternate plan for the evening, so you won't have to completely blow them off either and you'll still have a good time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, I agree, skip the party and go elsewhere to have fun.

[Comrade]

Thanks for the advice guys. This is helping.

 

I'm still not sure if I want to skip it. I've been really excited for it all week. There's going to be a live 20's swing band there, and I know that I'll have a good chance to meet new girls by asking them to dance. I think that meeting new girls and just getting out there in general will be good for me. Unfourtunately, all of my friends who are in town are going to the party, so there's not much to do besides that.

 

What I plan to do is go, but if I see my ex and feel * * * * ty, I'll leave after a bit. If I feel OK, I'll stay, but not talk to her. She might not even come. The party is in my hall, I freakin' live here. I just really hope she respects my wishes and stays out of my life.

 

You see, the problem is I have a very high chance of bumping into my ex at some point anyways. Though I want to avoid her at all costs, this is virtually impossible. I just need to learn to be calm in her presence, and not talk to her if I don't have to. If we do talk it will just be a short conversation, then I will get out.

[LivingToday]

Ughmo...12 days and chances of seeing her? Man...that's gonna hurt something fierce.

 

Your points are pretty good ones but just the fact of seeing her, and possibly with another guy? I don't know...

 

If it was me, I'd do like what the others said, skip it this time.

[Comrade]

Hmmm...

 

Maybe I can wait to go down there, then call one of my friends and ask him if she's there. If she's not, I'll head down. Damn, but she could always show up later.

 

She loves to swing dance, she will probably be there...

 

Still debating this in my mind.

 

The following wall of text has nothing to do with the dance, but I had some interesting insights tonight while talking to my friends:

 

So today I felt terrible from when I woke up until the late evening. I went on a long walk with a few of my friends, and we talked about the breakup. I hadn't really talked to them much about it all before. It felt really good to get it all out.

 

It was really good to hear their views on the subject. They have been friends with her for about as long as her and I dated (I introduced them, but I had only known them for a few days when I did). They are still friends with her.

 

Because of a lot of things that happened to her in her childhood, my ex is really insecure (she told me about everything that happened to her while we were dating, and I even noticed this happen a lot during the time). She got in a relationship with someone a month after we broke up, and things moved fast, too fast (at one point before I told her I was going NC, she told me that she thought things might be going too fast with her and her new boyfriend). My friends think that this is probably because of her insecurity: she is afraid to be alone and single. A while back they told her that she was making a bad decision to date someone so soon, and to let it move so fast. She became slightly annoyed at them about this.

 

She came over for dinner two days ago, and she met up with them. They said that she just seemed so... dismal, lifeless, without any positive emotion. When we were dating, she was so full of life, so bubbly, chatty, teasing my friends (she used to call my friend Peter "pete pete," much to his constirnation peter is one of the friends who she met up with that night). They said that they noticed that she changed so much after the breakup (I noticed this too actually, but I thought she only acted that way around me!), and they think that this is because the new guy she is with is not making her happy, she's just dating him so that she won't feel lonely. They tried to have a conversation with her, but she would only respond with short answers, and never speak unless spoken to. Then she left about 10 minutes after she came over.

 

My friends believe that one day, probably a good amount of time into the future, she will realize that she moved too fast with this new guy. They think that she will come back to me. I told them that I'm open to reconciliation if she is.

 

I agree with what my friends are thinking, mostly. I really don't think that she will ever come back, but there's still a little part of me that's hoping that she will.

 

I am resolved to continue with NC.

[mgirl]

I would skip it too. There will always be other chances to swing dance.

[Comrade]

I decided to skip it. You are all right, there will be other chances to meet new people. It's just simply not worth the risk of seeing her and her boyfriend. I don't want to undo all of the progress I've made.

 

I'll go to another party tonight.

[Nynnja]

I'll go to another party tonight.

 

Any party is better than no party, and there aint no party like a sexy party

 

You and your friends should throw your own party sometime, and make it the funnest, most insane party ever!

[Comrade]

Any party is better than no party, and there aint no party like a sexy party

 

You and your friends should throw your own party sometime, and make it the funnest, most insane party ever!

 

Brilliant plan. We will do this.

 

I never thought I would see someone use the smiley and not let it be a non-sequitur. Bravo Nynnja.

 

So I went to the other party, and I had a great time. I'm extremely hungover but it was worth it.

 

I asked someone if my ex went to the 20's party, and they said no. So I guess I could have safely gone to the party, but I'm still glad that I didn't risk it.