Its 3 days before the the start of silichot(jewish new year)

[beerock]

Its a time when you repent and ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness.

 

2 years ago about this time is when My ex had asked for my forgiveness and we got back together. we broke up on august 20th last year. I caught her cheating on me and I tried to get her back after a couple days of being so pissed at her. I tried flowers emails etc.... I was back with her for a month in march but it was short lived because she was being very nasty towards me.

 

 

now the new year is fast approaching and I am really really having a difficult time. In judaism it says if you do not ask for forgiveness you are written out of G-ds book. I have already asked her for forgivensss for the things I had done. However she only asked me once and it was after I had mentioned to her how she never asked and then she promptly asked. There are steps into asking for forgiveness in judaism and she did not go through them so i denied her. you are suppose to ask 3-7 times for forgiveness. and she had only asked that one night(she asked 3 tiems one after another but it doesnt make it 3 tries...

 

 

So now its 3 days before the day of silichot and I am freaking.

 

I am starting to think that she only uses her religion when she sees fit. it doesnt work like that. I dont know what to do. In some of the books I have read it says even though I was the party hurt I can rebuke to her and tell her how she has not asked for forgiveness.

 

its tearing me up inside because her family is very religious and this entire year I have been very religious and studying judaism. I'm very worried at this point.

 

I did not contact her on her birthday which was aug 22nd and it hurt not to.

 

It's been a year and I still feel the same way about her I dont know what to do.

[larryburst]

I am jewish as well, but not religious. Its her choice how to act but its your choice to forgive. All you can do is forgive and you cant force her to do the same. A part of forgiveness is acceptance that you cant control the world around you... including her.

[ButterflyWrists]

Forgiveness is not something a religion can decide, I believe that your religion has a very good idea, and that forgiveness is important. But it is up to you to decide if you want to forgive her, if you do, then it will leave you onto healing from the breakup. Obviously I do not know how this works in your religion.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Some of the most religious, synagogue-going people fail miserably at being decent human beings. I am Jewish myself and have little patience for people who follow all the rules but don't do it from the heart...they do it to look good to their peers or so that they can say they have followed the rules..but many of them don't FEEL it within them..they do it out of memorization and a sense of obligation rather than any real remorse or feeling to it. This whole notion of asking 3-7 times...so big deal if someone follows those "rules" but doesn't really mean it in their heart. Asking for forgiveness is not about how many times you ask but whether or not you are really sorry for what you have done. You are putting too much emphasis on protocol rather than on feeling. Her family may be religious..she herself may even be religious..but she still cheated. I knew of a rabbi who cheated on his wife and they ended up getting divorced. Religion means nothing when it comes to treating people right and being truly remorseful for wrong-doing. I think you should follow the religion because you want to, not because it will get you closer to her. She cheated and she has shown she is not too remorseful about it...that says it all..and you should not waste any more of your precious time on her.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I am jewish as well, but not religious. Its her choice how to act but its your choice to forgive. All you can do is forgive and you cant force her to do the same. A part of forgiveness is acceptance that you cant control the world around you... including her.

 

Good advice.

 

She didn't do preform the proper way to ask for forgiveness. It doesn't mean you can't forgive her anyway.

 

However, the forgiveness is for you and your own ease of mind, not for her.

 

I hope you can find it to forgive her and find peace with this.

[doiiiieeezie]

I follow the Hebrew holidays and even though my ex was aware of it, I am not worried about him asking for forgiveness before Yom Kippur. Neither will I need to contact him and apologize for my behavior, for I have tried on many attempts to begin anew with him. You are to ask for it with your own heart and mind, not because it is commanded to, in fact a fake non-sincere heart is pretty much worse than one who doesn't want to forgive. She cheated on you. She is the one that needs to worry about her own soul, and you need to worry about your own well being. Have you forgiven her in your heart because you want to or because of what is being told of you to do?

 

Her behavior is her own. The more that you try to get in her good books, the less she will respect you it seems. Let her go and forgive her in your heart when you are ready.

[beerock]

I have forgiven her in my heart, If I did not then I would have not been trying to get back together with her. She has not sincerely asked for forgiveness and aside from me wanting her to ask, Its more about me feeling bad for her that she is being written out of G-ds book. It tears me up inside to know it. Even if I have forgiven her G-d has not, she has to sincerely ask me for forgiveness.

 

I had done all the steps towards teshuvah. The funny thing is I did them before I began reading about Judaism. I did them naturally. reading about teshuvah, remorse, repentance and bearing of gifts etc... I was shocked after reading about it and I had actually felt and did what teshuvah is all about and im not Jewish. After reading more and more about Judaism the more I liked it. I feel I may as well study it for my own wisdom it helps me understand Jewish people more and I always seem to date Jewish women. I suppose once I feel I have learned enough perhaps I will study another religion.

 

 

and just to clarify, my ex and I were together 3 years ago, a year later she just broke up with me out of no where. then a year and a half later she asked for forgiveness and slowly we got back together again. then a year of us being together i caught her cheating on me and we broke up. then in march this year i went over her house and we hung out for a month and it was very awkward and she was very mean so we had an argument about her being so mean while i was tyring so hard and that was it. I tried talking to her father and uncle with both of them saying its up to her even though they all really liked me.

 

I definitely question my ex's hypocracy in the way she uses her religion only when she sees fit. especially when she had mentioned how I would have to convert to judaism. However I know its not just about converting its about two people uniting as one in judasim, which really cant be done in different religions being married together. as well as the kids being full jewish instead of cast out of g-ds book for 10+ generations.

 

 

Someone had said yom kippur was the last day to ask for forgiveness. Thanks because i had it screwed up. yom kippur is the day of atonement. so Since i htought you had to ask for forgiveness before slichot. I realize now that it has to be before yom kippur. heh so now i have more days to worry about.

 

I guess I really cant put into words how much I care about this woman and her two young ones. so you see, her not asking for forgiveness is really racking my brain.

I suppose you are right int hat if she does not ask I have to just live with it because mentioning to her that she hasnt asked isnt going to get any sincere apology out of her.

From what I read though, if you know somoene has wronged you and they dont ask your sort of obliged to tell otherwise the sin is put on you. HEH it works on both ways so thats really a straight and narrow path.... I don't think I can really put myself out there any more then i have for her.

 

She is the one who said her and her family are very religious from the looks of it though talk is cheap. You are probably right as to say they do it to look good and possibly are up to no good. As far as me and her goes she is not being a good jew.

 

he thing is I have seen the good in her and can understand that because of what I did(scare the crap out of her) she is still pissed. ahh im just blabbing.

 

 

all the posts were really insightfula nd I thank you all

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She broke your heart twice and toyed with you...religion has nothing to do with that...she is simply just not a nice person. As to whether or not g-d will forgive her...well, again, that is just all protocol and internal beliefs...plenty of people do all the "right" things to get forgiveness from g-d and then turn around the next day and repeat their bad behaviour for which they had asked for forgiveness. Going through the motions to please the other person, the masses and g-d is irrelevant if it is not done with sincerity and with a true conviction to change and never repeat the offending behaviour. Forgiveness can be asked and granted at any time..it is not just during the high holiday period. Also, as for the children..as long as the mother is Jewish then the children are recognized as Jewish. I would not suggest converting unless you feel in your heart that you want to convert..don't do it for her, do it for you because this is what you believe is good for yourself. Quite frankly her character seems sorely lacking and conversion or not, I think it is a big mistake to consider getting back with her..she doesn't seem to care how much she hurts you.

[beerock]

just to clear things up on children being born. if a Jewish man or woman marry the opposite sex and they are not Jewish or converted to Judaism it is said the children are not fully jewish and in g-d's eyes are half breeds and are out of g-ds kingdom for 10+ generations. its true I read it. However of course the children regardless if they are half breed or not will follow the mothers religion.

 

she had cheated on me because she assumed I did. major screw up on her part, then again she had this one cousin pushing her along the way. She was also asking for a break which I would not give her heh.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not aware of this half breed stuff..but I am not well-versed in all the Jewish teachings. Religious teachings aside, it still boils down to the fact that she is not interested in reconciling with you..her reasons for cheating are very immature.