self esteem clashing with relationship?

[lunatic_fringe]

I've been with an amazing women for almost half a year now and I love every minute of it. We constantly spend time together and she means the world to me. She's always there for me and is just a pillar in my life. The problem lies with my constant doubt and worry. And it covers everything from whether or not she's happy or just floating along to the very irrational fear of her cheating on me. You see, recently I've had a couple of medical procedures that have turned my life upside down. I used to be a somewhat confident and rational person, but now I'm more nervous and anxious, paranoid and a bit depressed. There are some days when I just don't know what to say and I feel in my head that because of this, these quiet days we spend sometimes, that she is bored or is thinking about just how lame I am and is just contemplating the best way to get out of the relationship. Not that these times are awkward (well, for her anyway), we just quietly sit and watch TV, we'll hold hands and kiss and talk a little but it's nothing ground breaking, we're not laughing out loud and but it's calm and nice. I think our relationship has grown out of the puppy dog love phase and more into the serious relationship phase but it's been so long since I've been in a relationship I'm having problems identifying just what the hell a normal relationship is like. Is it normal to sit and be quiet but to genuinely enjoy each others company, is too much mindless chit chat a bad thing? Even in those times of quiet she looks at me and I can see it in her eyes that she loves me, she'll kiss me and tell me, still that nagging voice in my head is almost forcing me to think otherwise. That scared part of my brain that seems to be waiting for the bad to happen, how do I just shut it up?! I know she loves me, I know she wants to be with me, we've already talked about getting a house and being together, and this was as recent as yesterday. So why am I like this? Why do I worry so much about things that really have no validation? I know she'd never hurt me or cheat on me, I know that she's happy and wants to be with me, after all, she's said things like "I cannot wait to spend the rest of our lives together". Why am I still doubting this?! I love her, and I never want to be without her. It's almost like the people you see on TV or in movies that are brought together through fate and love and their bond is so strong it seems absurd. Why am I so afraid? Please, I'd appreciate ANY advice. Thank You.

[Nikki88]

Although I don't really know what to tell you, I can say that I know exactly where you are coming from and I have these same feelings. I know my b/f loves me and we talk about a future together but I still have a hard time being content with that. I constantly worry that he will change his mind or something will go wrong. It's a horrible feeling and I would love to find a way to make it stop.

[mca1975]

Well this happens the world over doesnt it. Everybody worries about these things to some extent, but I think definitely the fact you have been through some ordeals recently has knocked your confidence.

 

Your relationship sounds great. Of course its normal to sit and watch TV together in silence. Me and my boyfriend do it all the time. It means you are comfortable with each other, which is a good thing. We all have times when we havent got much to say and some days when we are quiet.

 

You will just have to try and RELAX and ENJOY what you have got. Try and do some things that make you feel good about yourself. I'm not really sure what blokes do to achieve that, but I know as a woman that some days when I feel I want to have a good day, I will get dressed up and wear make-up, it makes me feel nice. Not that I'm suggesting you do that! (unless you want to, lol)

 

Hope you feel better x

[messedup85]

Have you ever had a long term relationship before her? Were you hurt really bad before?

 

I had the same issues at the beginning of my relationship. I always felt like I wasn't good enough or I have changed or we have changed. It can take a toll on a person. For me personally it took time to get comfortable. I was nuts in the beginning, I would cry myself to sleep thinking he is going to move on. But after a bit when we started to bond more, and get use to each other more and more, those feelings went away more and more. I still have doubts because my self esteem is still not up to par, but I know I am now in a more positive place with us. You can get over this with time and if you and her are planning a future that can be a very positive thing to focus on as well.