"Hurdles"

[MattW]

Forewarning: This is probably going to be a long post, so don't say I didn't warn ya. For a while, I frequented this site, often seeking help with a girl I was desperately in love with. Of course, a few of you guys probably recall how that panned out, and how I ended up driving her away, more than anything else. But that's not what this topic is about. I took some time away from this site, to sort of examine myself, my mind, everything. I did my best to bury those feelings I had for that one girl as deep down as I could (though, I think on some level, those feelings will always exist within me; she was, after all, my first, and so far, only, "love"), and I've accepted that it's just never going to happen with her. So, in pushing myself to get rid of that "one girl" mindset, I've come accross two "hurdles" that are really bogging me down.

 

Hurdle #1

The first "hurdle" is that I just can't meet any girls I feel a "connection" with. Part of this has to do with the fact that I'm introverted, and don't like to socialize very much if I don't have to; but even so, I think I still have decent opportunities to meet people, as I'm in college, and working part time. I DO meet plenty of nice girls, but again, not any that I feel a connection with, a girl that I could see myself with for an extended amount of time.

 

Hurdle #2

This one is more about me, personally. I've come to realize that I have way more flaws than redeeming qualities. Heck, you could probably list any flaw that's typically a major turn off to a girl, and there's a good chance I've got it. Physically, I'm not very appealing; I'm a bad conversationalist, with a fairly dull personality; I'm not clever and/ or adventurous enough to stimulate a girl with exciting, fun dates; I can easily let myself fall into the habit of becoming "clingy" and/ or "needy"; and I'm sure my general inexperience with girls (especially at my age) is probably a turn off to a lot of girls, as well. It doesn't help that I kinda want a to be with a girl that's a bit more outgoing and "adventurous" than me (but not so much so that I couldn't keep up with her), yet most often, that type of girl wants to be with some one that's on a similar level to them, in that regard, which I obviously can't promise. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to beat myself up, here, I just never really examined myself as a prospective "significant other", and it's a little off-putting to realize that I have very little (if anything) to offer a girl.

 

Thus far, though, "hurdle #2" hasn't been a problem yet, simply because I can't get past "hurdle #1". If I'm not finding any girls that I want to pursue, I'm not thinking of my flaws, yanno? And yeah, I know I'm "still young", and everything, but I'm looking more into the future, and the thing is, I don't see my life situation changing too much in the next few years. I still have a few more years of college left, I'll probably still be working at the same part time job in a few years, etc. Unless I get that "magic" moment with a girl like it happens in the movies (which is highly unlikely, if not impossible, in and of itself), I can't imagine I'll be any better off in this regard any time soon. And it's kinda depressing to know that I'll still be stuck in the same spot in a few years.

 

Another piece of advice people like to give, I've noticed, is "You won't find it if you go out specifically looking for it", and while I suppose that makes sense on some level, I really don't often "specifically go out looking for it". Most of my life, I've spent just kind of letting things happen, letting life take me where ever, yet even still, after nearly 21 years, I've never gotten past "hurdle #1", and that scares me. That scares me because I don't want to be "that" guy that never gets to experience that kind of relationship, never takes a spouse, never starts a family of his own; heck, I don't even want to be the type of guy that doesn't start dating until his 30s or 40s, but at this point, that's probably my best case scenario. So, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get over these "hurdles".

[riley123]

Two things jumped out at me when I read this post. First, both of the 'hurdles' you describe are actually pretty common for everyone who dates. But second, and more importantly, it seems like you're automatically disqualifying yourself before you've even met someone.

 

As far as meeting someone you have a connection with goes, well, I have the same problem. This past summer I went out on dates with a lot of girls -- probably about 15, but I didn't really feel a connection with any of them. Sure, I had fun and enjoyed the dates but I'm certainly not sad that none of them worked out…it's part of the process, and eventually I'm sure that I'll end up meeting someone that I want to be in a relationship with. But you have to put yourself out there.

 

As far as "Hurdle #2" you need to make changes in the way you think and view yourself. You say your not physically appealing? Then go to the gym, eat right, get some new clothes that fit you properly, get a new haircut…there are lots of things you can do to improve yourself. But the most important thing you should be doing is reminding yourself that you deserve someone as much as they deserve you. You need confidence. You need to believe that there is someone out there who really would want to be with you. But like I said, the only way to find them is to get out there.

[dr_styles]

I read this and no surprise with my position found similar thoughts with my own.

 

Hurdle #1 before others:

- yep this point is one of my weak points I'm battling with although for almost the reverse situation of no one being interested in me to begin with. Similarly I still remember how younger *everyone* was had that whole teenage of angst of their penis, or their kissing potential or whatever; that's still a thought for me (being a virgin in both regards) but I don't concern myself with it because these "hurdles" aren't even on the radar yet with this hurdle.

 

Hurdle #2:

- I can see what you mean and I'd have to agree with some of them. Like I'm not the most impulsive-sparky thinker for quirky dates or those other personality things you mention being the thing to offer girls. And definitely on the clingy/needy bit simply because it's so rare naturally means not wanting to lose it.

But I do think you're selling yourself a bit short. Things like education, a job, bit of sensitivity (that seems to be a common trait for guys in this position), and you sound like you can converse ok at least at your job. Believe me I know what it's like right now to "have this and have that" and have them mean basically nothing to others but still need it as some sort of platform to do ... something (even the simple reason of having money to fund things)

 

Now to just keep trying to get out of that same hole I'm in with no hope cos nothing on the horizon.

[MattW]

As far as meeting someone you have a connection with goes, well, I have the same problem. This past summer I went out on dates with a lot of girls -- probably about 15, but I didn't really feel a connection with any of them. Sure, I had fun and enjoyed the dates but I'm certainly not sad that none of them worked out…it's part of the process, and eventually I'm sure that I'll end up meeting someone that I want to be in a relationship with. But you have to put yourself out there.

 

Yeah, I've kinda been thinking about that, and it almost reminds me of looking for a job... Heck, about two years ago, I was fresh out of high school, looking for a part time job, putting in applications everywhere, and I just wasn't getting any callbacks at all. I got so burnt out and defeated, that I didn't even feel like putting in applications anymore. Then I got to the point where I was getting interviews, but never getting the job. Finally, after an entire year of job searching, I found a decent job at a retail store. I've been working there for about a year, now, and to be honest, while I don't much like working there, it's stable. I like that stability; I HATE that "unknown" element that comes with dating. I know it's just part of the process, but to be honest, I'm more of a "friends first" kind of guy. That is, I like to get to know a girl (thus, seeing if I feel any connection) before I actively pursue her as a potential date. I know that often comes with its own pitfalls, but they really don't matter, as I just haven't met anyone I feel that connection with.

 

As far as "Hurdle #2" you need to make changes in the way you think and view yourself. You say your not physically appealing? Then go to the gym, eat right, get some new clothes that fit you properly, get a new haircut…there are lots of things you can do to improve yourself. But the most important thing you should be doing is reminding yourself that you deserve someone as much as they deserve you. You need confidence. You need to believe that there is someone out there who really would want to be with you. But like I said, the only way to find them is to get out there.

 

A lot of my "problems", though, are things that are hard (or impossible) to change. For instance, my appearance; true, I could get in better shape, but I don't feel "unattractive" because of a few extra pounds. What bogs me down is A) I'm about 5'3", and B) I have this naturally "boyish" look to me (mostly my face). Heck, most people often think I'm under 15, one even thought I was under the age of 12. I can't imagine most 21 year old girls are exactly tickled by the idea of dating a "12 year old boy". And most of the personality issues are things I just don't see how I can change. I can't "learn" to be more clever or more adventurous; my mind just doesn't work that way. I think I'll always be introverted, etc.