Setback today ... need encouragement

[sugarplum_pdx]

I've posted in response to a few other people, and mentioned my situation, but haven't started my own thread til now. The brief version of my story is that my boyfriend broke up with me last month after I found out he'd started cheating. He hadn't had sex with her yet but he'd been sneaking around to be with her and they'd done everything up to actual sex (and it was just a matter of time til they did that, but I happened to find out first).

 

We had been together over 3 years and were living together. He said he had been planning to break up with me, but he seemed unable to just do it. He took the cowardly route and started something with a co-worker before ending it with me. He says he doesn't necessarily want a relationship with her, and part of the reason he was breaking up with me was because he knew he wasn't giving me what he should be after 3 years ... he is in a band and he has a lot of recording and touring planned for the upcoming year and knew he'd be neglecting me a lot. He thinks he doesn't have time for a relationship right now. He also just has a real problem with showing emotion or letting anyone know about his feelings. A whole mess of things is what led up to our breakup ... almost all due to his issues, which he admits. I don't claim to be perfect by any means, but I tried my best in the relationship and I know I was a good partner to him.

 

He told me before I moved out that he knew he might be making a mistake by breaking up with me. He said he knew he might not find anyone else that was as good for him as I was. He said he thought distance might be the only thing to make him realize that.

 

Anyway, I moved out and got my own apartment about a month ago. Every day has been hard, but some more than others. I keep thinking in the back of my head that he'll regret what he did and he'll want me back. I know I shouldn't want him back, but I at least want him to show he cares and show he misses me. This morning I was feeling really sick and I was scared that I might need to be taken to the doctor. I don't have many close friends in town and of course my ex was the person I thought to call. Up until now, I haven't been the one initiating much (if any) contact. But I called him this morning hoping he could come over and keep me company in case I needed to go to the doctor. He didn't call me back for a few hours, and then he said he couldn't come over because he was getting ready to move and only had a couple days to pack. I said ok, and that was it.

 

As soon as I got off the phone I felt such emptiness. This is why they say "no contact" is better. I wished I hadn't called him at all. I feel in some ways like I'm back to square one. Talking to him made me realize that all this time I'd been kind of hoping he'd want to see me and waiting for some kind of sign, even though on a conscious level I know I shouldn't be with him anyway.

 

Just feel really bad right now. Any support would be appreciated.

[Jen23]

sugarplum_pdx

I am sorry you are having to go through this. It amazes me how some guys leave great relationships for such stupid reasons. I will never understand some of the reasoning behind their decisions. I hope you feel better and i truly know how you feel!

[kayc73]

Hi Sugarplum

 

I hope you are feeling better!

 

I feel for you as I know exactly what you are going through! After making contact most time we wish that we had never done it!!! But hey... we all have weak moments and learn from them. Up until now you have done GREAT!!! To get your own apartment is a huge step and now it's your little comfort zone to do whatever you wish.... even if its shedding a few tears to help you move on!!!

 

You haven't gone back to step one... its another hurdle that you have jumped and now you can continue to move forward!!! You can do it... this feeling won't last for ever!!!

 

Kayc73

[sugarplum_pdx]

Thanks Jen and Kayc. Yesterday was probably the worst day I've had since we broke up. I thought I was never going to feel better. And I still feel terrible, but at least a little better. I was talking to a friend online who knows my ex as well. She said some things that really helped me. She made me remember that he's the one with the problems, not me. I can't compensate for his shortcomings and his unwillingness to try. And love shouldn't always be work ... I should be with someone who makes me feel good and lets me know I am appreciated. I remembered all the things about my ex that made me unhappy ... how he would make me feel unattractive and never showed me any emotion. He wasn't sentimental AT ALL. I don't know why I even care about him at all. He's not worth it.

[Hopingpraying]

Sugarplum,

 

Sorry you are going through so much pain, but you need to be careful not to drop into a bunch of resentment. That will just keep you stuck holding on to him for all the wrong reasons. It is okay for you to be upset with him for a period of time, but eventually you must let go and forgive him.

I don't think you should ever stop caring for him either. If we all were to do that this world would be even more bitter then it already is.

 

I do understand why you are upset with him. I went through this stage as well, but now I am at peace. I have forgiven my wife and myself for our failed marriage. I am taking this and turning it into a learning experience so I will have a better more secure relationship in the future. If you don't learn from your past you are doomed to repeat it, so definitely take something from this relationship. Figure out where he let you down, and where you let him down and don't let it happen again.

 

Good luck Sugarplum.. Feel free to vent anytime!!

[sugarplum_pdx]

I agree that too much resentment is not a good thing. But anger at your ex and remembering why you broke up is healthy. It's better than sitting around thinking about the good things and pining for him. My point is, yesterday I was miserable all day because all I could do was think about being with him and wish things could be that way again. I even wrote him a long email (but didn't send it), reminding him of the good times we had and asking why he doesn't want me in his life anymore. Talking to my friend about his bad qualities and his inability to appreciate me is what snapped me out of my delusion. So, in this case I think the resentment was good, even though I agree that it can be bad if you dwell on it too much.

 

I think in time I may be able to have a friendship with my ex. And I will always care for him and remember the good times. But right now it's better for me to keep some distance and remind myself that he's not the greatest "catch" in the world anyway ... and he has no right to make me feel bad about myself.

 

 

[Hopingpraying]

I agree with you. Eventually you will be over him. And I definitely agree that being mad at him for the bad things he has done to you is healthy. I am just saying you cannot stay stuck like that forever. You can never love another if you harbor all these bad feelings. Feel your anger, sadness, fear, and regret, and then move on.

 

I would reccomend reading a book called Mars and Venus: Starting Over, by John Gray. It was a pretty good read and helped me out a bit.

 

I hope things start getting better for you.

[sugarplum_pdx]

Well, not talking to him lasted less than one day ... he messaged me today and was talking about some things I left at his house. He asked me if I needed any kitchen stuff, and I said no thanks, I bought plenty of new stuff. So he asked me to tell him about my new kitchen ... said it sounded great ... Then he asked me if I wanted to hear about his new place. I said not right now. We talked about his cat, who I had come to think of as my cat too when we lived together. I told him I missed the cat ... he said "I know" and acted sympathetic. I apologized for calling him yesterday, and he said "please don't apologize for that" and then he said "we'll hang out soon." I told him I don't know if we should, and he said he'd leave it up to me.

 

So, it was okay, but I'm just not sure how to deal with him. Every time I make a vow to not talk to him anymore, I end up hearing from him. I know he is just trying to be friends. I don't think I can be his friend right now though. He betrayed my trust and he destroyed my feelings by dumping me. How come he can act so understanding and cool about everything, as if he is such a good guy, yet he couldn't find the decency deal with our relationship better when we were in it?