I feel guilty about being sexually attracted to women

[bertdru]

It is quite weird. If a woman finds out that I am attracted to her, I feel so dirty. I don't like to pursue a woman because I want to feel wanted for once. It was one of the reasons why I wanted to be gay. Because with guys, this guilt may not exist. Pity I am not attracted to guys.

 

Maybe it is a result of my conservative upbringing but I feel so dirty about being sexually attracted to women. I feel that women would be grossed out by me. I am attracted to one woman and if she ever finds out what goes on in my mind...ick. I can't even imagine that.

 

I have been brought up to think pre marital sex is wrong. So maybe that is the reason. Because I think I am a pervert for thinking about sex before marriage. I know all this may be weird to you but it is a real problem.

[Samedy]

It could be in part due to your "conservatism", however, from the sounds of it, you also have a low self-esteem.

 

A person can be a conservative, or careful about their sexual expression, and still be proudn of themselves and the way they look.

[jettison]

Hmmmm. My girlfriend calls me a pervert all the time. But she'd hate it if I weren't. She's just teasing... sort of. Usually it's women who want to play innocent, pretend like that's not what's on their mind, and hope to get corrupted. Seems like you take on that role so perhaps you need a dominant woman in your life. There are plenty out there.

 

Anyway, there's a relatively simply way to at least break part of your phobia. Just tell a woman that you like that she's beautiful and give her a sly smile. She may or may not appreciate it, but everyone is different. Developing the ability to not be overly put out or put off if you get rejected or someone otherwise doesn't appreciate you on some level is a required adult life skill. Everyone will always have detractors, but if you let other people dictate who you're suppose to be, and what's right or wrong for you, then you'll never get anywhere and rarely get what you want.

[mj didnt do it]

you feeling guilty for who you are attracted to would be like be feeling guilty for having brown hair...

[jul-els]

Sexuality is a perfectly normal part of being human. Nothing dirty or wrong about it.

[Symbolic]

duude, I couldn't admit to my parents that I liked girls for the longest time. Not till like, i dunno, never I guess? It's like I had to come out of the closet to my parents to tell them I like girls. Of course my mom found my porn a bunch of times on the computer so she knew I liked girls, but for some insane reason I couldn't admit it to them.

 

Was is like that for you? It seems kind of like a similar thing. I always wondered why I was like that.

[bertdru]

duude, I couldn't admit to my parents that I liked girls for the longest time. Not till like, i dunno, never I guess? It's like I had to come out of the closet to my parents to tell them I like girls. Of course my mom found my porn a bunch of times on the computer so she knew I liked girls, but for some insane reason I couldn't admit it to them.

 

Was is like that for you? It seems kind of like a similar thing. I always wondered why I was like that.

 

I had some porn on my comp when I was 18. My mother found it out and obviously she shouted at me for it. She was absolutely disgusted at me. Thankfully she told me she wouldn't tell my father. My father would have been disappointed in me if he found out. After that, she would always mention this to me. I would squirm every time she mentions it Nowadays she doesn't mention it at all.

[Symbolic]

Haha, I think my dad thought I was gay or something. When my mom had found my porn she said "well at least your father knows your not gay now".

[trezz]

upbringing has a lot to do with out choices of lifestyles.

a painful part of growing up is looking at our parents and societies way of life

and judging for ourselves which if any we can adopt as part of our lifestyle choices.

if we reject the teachings of our parents this can seem to be a critism of them. realising that we are our own people and making our own choices is an important part of who we are.

where we live in the world may have a bigger impact.

in most western society homosexuality is just a fact of life nothing to do with judgement. therefore people who are homosexual live freely and openly as is any humanbeings right.

in other parts of the world homosexuality is viewed as a sin. therfore society has a great impact.

i say the above as you mention a conservative upbringing. i wonder is this confined to your home or to the society in which you live?

 

i lived in 1970's catholic Ireland. i was schooled by Catholic Nuns. sex outside of marriage =going to hell. thinking of sex=hell. my feelings of any sexual nature=hell.

i had sex before marriage so the only way to redeem myself was to marry him==that really was hell.

 

you may have been brought up in a way to prevent you from accepting your natural desire to procreate. the whole point of nature is to reproduce. your parents may have felt for you to be able to live within your society they had to bring you up with scruples acceptable to that society.

 

sexual feelings are natures way to keep the species alive. we are not stronger then mother nature. sometimes we have to make difficult choices.

you may have been raised all your life to deny your natural feelings.

remember your parents and society had reasons for this.

you now have to accept that you are a part of nature. the drive to recreate is natural and attempts to curb this desire is understandable.

 

therefore you are not a pervert you have been trained - but now nature is fighing to be stronger then the brainwashing.

 

can you accept that all humans have sexual desires as part of natures plan? even the girl you like has these feelings. you have to judge if acting on them is acceptable. maybe dating does not invole sex in your society.

in a lot of societies pre martial sex is a no no even in the sexualised western countries.

[YakasJourney]

^^^

very insightful post. I wonder why some parents raise their kids to be ashamed of their sexuality, gay or straight or whatever. My mother seemed especially pissed off when she discovered I was a human male who was attracted to women. Like when I was a teenager and she found my porn on the computer, she lectured me and told me it was "superficial". Turns out she was right, but then again I don't think we should make our children feel bad about the natural desire to procreate.

[greywolf]

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to a woman. In fact, a lot of us would be flattered.

I do understand how you feel though. I was a little disgusted with myself at first when I got with a girl.

[bertdru]

i wonder is this confined to your home or to the society in which you live?

 

The society in which I live is also very conservative. In some ways, my family is not THAT conservative as compared to others.

[trezz]

the thing to do is sort out what behaviours are acceptable to you while enabling you to live in your society.

as long as we do no harm we should be able to live our own lives.

sometimes we have to keep parts of our lives private from family this is also part of life.

[servedcold]

I was exactly where you are now from 16-21, having been raised conservatively in a fundamentalist religion, and it was a pain to get past, but can be done. The good news is that by posting this, you have won half the battle because you realize that the attitude that has been instilled in you is not right. Lots of people with this problem never get there and go through life repressed and frustrated.

 

In addition to what others have said about recognizing that your upbringing has much to do with it, examine your environment. Many cultures today send subtle and not so subtle messages that men are aggressors, murderers, rapists, abusers, animals with no control over themselves who prey on totally innocent women to sate their animal lusts. These messages, in many cultures, are everywhere, on television news, talk shows, in magazines, even being parroted by men and women in conversation "I'm a man, I can't help myself," "men are all dogs," etc. You can even find these harmful messages to men right here on this ENA board. The messages and propaganda are everywhere, you just have to open your eyes to it. The trick to getting past these harmful messages is to identify them for what they are, propaganda in a social war that has been taking place for 30+ years, and to laugh at their dishonesty.

 

Revel in your sexual desires because it is one of the things that makes you alive and human. Just as women are raised to take pride in their reproductive capacity, take pride in yours. Reproduction is not a one way street, not the "dirty animal sperm" being injected into the "beautiful egg."

 

The above hyperbole may make you laugh, but the bad attitude in many cultures is very real, and just as over the top. Enlightened religions and belief systems embrace the fact that the whole of the reproductive act, including the carnal act it stems from, is beautiful. Unenlightened beliefs repress it by trying to categorize it into good and bad elements. There are no elements, just one continuous process of beauty.

 

After realizing the elements in your upbringing, and acknowledging the social messages you are being spammed by, the next step is to ignore it all and embrace who you are, and to feel good about your desires. This may take some time, but saying again, by posting this here, you are on the right track.

[bertdru]

I am ashamed to admit this - I almost cried. Honestly. This post is exactly what I am talking about.

 

 

 

This paragraph is so beautiful. I have never been able to face up to the fact that I like sex. I can't because of the negative connotations. Sure romantic love is glorified in Indian movies but sex was always considered to be after marriage. Guys who want sex before marriage were portrayed in a negative way. Like they were living in a sinful life. Like they were evil.

 

And about the messages - men are all dogs etc. I totally agree. It hurts me when I read these messages but what can I do when it is men who say such things? It cheapens my feelings. Makes me feel dirty to have such feelings. My conservative upbringing makes it worse.

 

Thank you for this post.

[servedcold]

And about the messages - men are all dogs etc. I totally agree. It hurts me when I read these messages but what can I do when it is men who say such things?

 

Men say these things because they have given in and surrendered to the prevalent cultural messages. If you tell someone they are a dog long enough, they will often, weakly, begin to accept that they are a dog. Just because they have surrendered doesn't mean you have to. One of the greatest powers of being a man is accepting your sexual drive, loving it, cherishing it, and then controlling it. A side benefit is that women appreciate a man who is proud and confident in his maleness, who is neither embarrassed nor ashamed of his desires, and controls those desires as opposed to letting them control him. Pursue women in an open, unashamed way, always sincere, they will respect and love you for it, and give themselves to you.

 

This is the easy part, keeping them happy is the hard part, let me know when you figure that one out

[trezz]

servedcold got it so right.

it is indeed all the hidden msgs in society that reinforce attuite.

anyone ever watched the channel 4 programme on british television?Derren Brown is the name of the guy who is responsible for all sorts of mischief.

people on the derren brown show are subjected to hidden messages and respond in ways similar to the behaviour of puppets without knowing whats happening.

link removed

 

bertdru never be ashamed of your feelings.

accept who you are.

you always come accross as the most beautiful and intelligent person.

people who are less enlightened and need to follow the herd without ever thinking for themselves are losing out on their own identies.

these people may riducle those who are more intelligent then themselves.

let them be who they are.we each have to accept ourselves.

i still think wisdom is having these feelings best wisdom is to know with whom to share.

privacy is necessary this is to me a fact of life.

share with people you chose as worthy.

sharing too much with too many gives too many power of judgement over you.

[Luke Skywalker]

I feel the same way as the OP sometimes. I am also brought up the same way and I'm quite inexperienced for my age bracket as a result.

 

However, I've noticed that my attitude about feeling guilty shifts depending on what sort of private rules that I have with myself. For example, I may entertain the idea that it is okay to view porn and use a fleshlight, and therefore, in that expression it's okay to be sexually attracted to women, and then I feel more comfortable about that with 'real' women out there, compared to times when I may have more restrictive policies (i.e. no porn or masturbation) -- where I feel more asexual. Sort of weird I guess.

[Cognitive_Canine]

My boyfriend used to be the same way due to his upbringing. He thought that the sexual feelings he had made him a pervert. He thought he was going to burn in hell for the thoughts he had.

 

However, I helped him get over it. It hasn't been in issue for years. We have a very healthy sex life and he no longer feels ashamed at all.

 

Everyone has these thoughts. Men and women. Find a girl who really loves you, and all your dirty little thoughts will turn her on and flatter her.