I need help with my insecurity and emotions

[van_city]

Heres my problem.

 

My ex and i broke up 8 months ago- she cant be with me because i hurt her way too much, its not either of our faults, its just that were very different. For a while i was really hurt because she really wants to be my friend, and in my own security i told myself its because she doesnt want me as a boyfriend. But last night she definitively explained that its not that im not good enough or that she doesnt have feelings for me, its just too hard for her to be with me.

 

So now i really want to be friends, because i see amazing potential for us, and potential to rekindle the special bond we had, as friends this time, but i have all these jealousy problems.

 

I need her to need me, i use her opinion to validate myself to an insane extent. I want her to have eyes for only me and think i, and i alone am amazing. (i have insecurity problems i think) So i cant be her friend because knowing and seeing that she doesnt need me in her life will hurt too much. Also if she ever went out with another guy i would be insanely jealous, and it would be too painful knowing that feelings she should have for me are being directed at another guy.

 

Help me- how can i become more accepting of my scenario? I want to accept the fact that she doesnt need me, because only then will i be able to have that special bond. I want her opinion of me to not matter in how i value myself, and i want to accept that she will and does have feelings for other guys.

 

Teach me, please.

[Xetra Dax]

Basically you need to get a life, a life of your own so to speak. You know you can never go into a relationship with the expectation that 'its special' and everything will work out just because it concerns you, in reality a woman can pack her bags and leave anyday. This is why you need to have a life of your own regardless of what the woman does, that way you can stop worrying about the things in your life that are not in your control. You can't control her 100%, she might cheat behind your back or kiss that other guy, if you start thinking like that you will lose your mind. No, a thousand times no, let her cheat, kiss behind your back or whatever, you have your own life, you can love someone but you cannot keep them hostage, a relationship is all about being together and allowing eachother to do their own thing. You just need to do your own thing, and see a partner as company, in reality everyone walks their own path in life. So even if the girl escapes you have your life of your own, your own soul and life that you need to work hard on to chisel it into the shape you want it to be.

 

There are earthquakes, hurricanes, possible damnations and apocalyptic events, should we stop our lives in fear for all of them? We can't, we have to go on living, more then that, its out of our control, all the more reason why we shouldn't worry about those things, while looking over the fence to see the green grass at the neighbours place, we leave our own brown grass unattended to rott, therefore tend to your own grass instead of looking at your neighbours grass. Having yourself under control will do you good for many years to come.

[nutbrownhare]

Yep, I agree with the other poster, you need to get a life of your own. When you say you want to accept the fact that she doesn't need you ... this doesn't guarantee any particular outcome. Life will become immeasurably better for you once you stop needing HER (or anyone else) so much.

 

You need to accept the fact that you can't control or change another person, but to do this you need to have a better sense of yourself.

 

If you do a google search on 'Codependency' you may find some material which will be useful to you.

[1MoreChance]

I don't think you can get to that place of self-acceptance and letting go within a friendship with her. Even a person with high self-esteem and without jealousy issues couldn't help but feel pain and would need time away from their ex to heal.

 

I think you should just cut the ties you have with her. realize that she is also really scared to let you go for her own insecurity reasons. if she says she wants to be friends and still has feleings, yet at the same time she just can't be with you "cause it's too hard" (my ex said the same thing!) and she wants to see other people, you are allowing her to reject you by seeing her. don't take this wrong, it is meant in respect, to help you see this.

 

she will not get closer to you, only get further away. I went through a similar situation. he still had felings, wanted a special friendship, told me we'd more likely eventually get back together. etc etc. only to get further and further away from me. Now recently he started ignoring me. I have done nothing different from before. all of a sudden he is ignoring me. I'm sure he has someone new and wants to avoid the drama of that coming up if we see each other. Up until he met someone, he wanted a friednship, he even called me and told me how amazing a person I was... it's all based on insecurity. You need to work on your self-esteem away from her. I know it hurts like crazy to be rejected, I feel it still and me it's been 14 months that he left me. trying to have a friendship with her is gonna get you really really hurt. get away from her. I mean it.

[catfeeder]

There's friendship, then there's dependency. You can't have one when the other is present. Dependency kills respect, and it can even kill love.

 

Dependency is manipulative, basically. When it's disguised in the form of a friendship, it says, "As long as you believe I'm your friend, I'll pretend to operate in your best interests, but what I really want is to stay close so I can work you into giving me what I want from you."

 

That's not a friend, it's something else. Given that you know this, I'd put the friendship idea on the back burner for 'someday'. If you still want to be her friend after you've tackled your emotional stuff and have built a reasonably happy life for yourself, then you can try contacting her. Meanwhile just tell her you have private work to do, and let her know you'd like to keep the door open for the future.

 

In your corner.

[sfdnky32]

Wow. Some really great advice in this thread, if only it was easy to take, but then I guess if it was easy it means you didn't really care in the first place. Sometimes I hate having emotions - but without them life would be so empty. My advice is to cut ties completely at least for a while, when I was younger I was in love with a girl who told me that we could not be friends for this reason, at the time I hated her for it and went semi-crazy, but now I am thankful to her for doing it, it was the right way to do it. Either way if you really loved someone it's going to take time to feel better, there is no way around it. Good luck for the future.