mad rabbits Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I know this an immature and unproductive line of thought but... Sometimes I comfort myself with the thought that I went no contact quickly and abruptly enough for it to still have had an effect or sting on my dumper. Well he wasn't clear cut the dumper, but I think he was in the end because he was fading out on me therefore forced me to end it. Anyway... He was still in touch with me and initiating contact up until three days before I went NC on him. It was more sparse than before and I suspected he was either putting me on the backburner while he pursued someone else, or just losing interest either way...his last email to me was a sad one where he lamented his financial and career position and life in general and stated that he missed our chats. I replied to him and asked him to let me know he was okay as I was concerned. He never responded to that, but I knew he got it because it was sent over facebook and he subsequently updated his status. After everything that had gone on in the lead up to this, I was so angry at that point I deleted him off all my social networks, blocked his email addresses and blocked him on messenger. And that was it. Anyway, I know I'm grasping at straws, and he had basically ceased to care, but I feel better knowing I was swift and clear enough in my actions he couldn't have failed to notice it. Has anyone else done a swift/abrupt NC? How do you feel about it? On an unrelated point, its been about two and half months now, and I feel I'm turning the corner. There really is something about the two month mark being decisive in healing.. Link to comment
mgirl Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Okay, one thing i'll say, if you do NC to hurt somebody, you will most likely end up hurting. Why? Because if you haven't got the answers you need, you are playing a game which will bite you in the end. The best way to go NC is when you have the answers and you are sure you do not want contact with that person again. Also, talking things through at the end may give you valuable insights as to why the mess ended, or what is actually on their minds. My advice is: don't be too quick to go NC - only do it when you really want to move on. Link to comment
mad rabbits Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 Well, I didn't go NC to hurt him, but I have to admit, if it did, I'm glad, because he really hurt me with the way he treated me. I had to end it and that's why I did. No, I don't want further contact with this person, and no, he wasn't going to give me the answers I wanted. He was incapable of emotional honesty. Link to comment
allgood Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 wow almost the same time as my breakup....she left me for someone else....i had to do nc but i broke it 2 weeks ago to end it in a goodnote. i left her a nasty reply email when she sent me one 2 weeks after breaking up so i could heal having no contact. so i had to fix it up and forgive her (in my heart) i wished her the best etc and told her to stay no contact on my email 2 weeks ago. Ive been doing great but this week seems to be hard cause itll be 3months by tuesday next week.....and not hearing her voice for 2.2 months.....memories coming back etc and old wounds opening.....just gotta get back to exercise....and just having one of my closest friends getting married doesnt help lol i guess the feelings and memories do come flooding back no matter how well we do or handle the breakup. Its the time you spend together that you cant erase or would never forget....my goal is to have memories of her and not getting hurt....ive had successes this month but now its coming back.... i guess NC should be done for you and not to hurt your ex. I made that decision on the 1st week of my breakup.....it was the best decision ive ever had. stay no contact all the best!! Link to comment
mad rabbits Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 I wholly agree NC is for you, and should not be done to get back at your ex. I guess the point I am making is more about justice. If someone treated you dishonestly and disrespectfully, as mine did, then NC also cuts through all their crap, as far as I'm concerned. It shows them that you see what they are doing for what it is, and you want no part of it. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Once they reach the point where they are not even responding to simple correspondence, NC just won't matter. They just don't care. NC at that point, is to heal. I went NC a few days ago when mine just started ignoring my correspondence. I am sure he feels relief that I have stopped contacting him. NC is for us, not them. Link to comment
orangesoda Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I have to disagree about trying to get 'answers' at the end because most of the time, there are no 'answers', and even if there were, your ex is more than unlikely to tell them to you - why? Maybe they don't want to hurt you anymore than the breakup is already hurting you - or maybe they don't even know. All they know, and all you should accept is that they no longer want to be with you. All the WHY WHY WHYs don't matter. And even if you were told the absolute truth (you're too fat/short/poor/etc.), your emotions will almost guarantee that you won't hear it - you'll be too busy either trying to manipulate them (you hurt me so bad, stay with me and make it better) or you'll be looking for things that aren't there (cue scene from dumber and dumber - woman: there's a one in a million chance we'll get back together. You: so there IS a chance!!). My point is that once your ex dumps you - stop caring so much about what THEY think. You are your highest priority at that point. Severing all contact is without a doubt, a great way to pull yourself out of the middle of the storm. So you can let the dust settle, and your thoughts and decisions aren't clouded and blinded by emotions. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I think it really depends on the person whether or not NC without warning will affect them. If they are playing mind games then NC from you will indeed sting because they are looking for a reaction from you with their games...going NC means no reaction and defeats the purpose of their mind games...so they are upset because their ego did not get boosted. If they are phasing you out because they are no longer interested or they met someone new, NC from you will either be a relief or a disappointment. Remember that many people who leave a relationship still want the ex to pine for them and run after them so they want the contact just to get the ego boost. Link to comment
BlueRizla Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Remember that many people who leave a relationship still want the ex to pine for them and run after them so they want the contact just to get the ego boost. I have to agree with this. My ex broke it off and went NC as did I. The reasons are complicated and while she fully blames me.. I accept most it was my issues. I removed the biggest issue straight away and am working on the others and have been for some time. So once I had done that I broke NC. It was my place to make amends. I then broke it twice more as I gained further understanding. She always responded, instantly and fully, appreciating what I had to tell her. I laid my heart on the line in a few emails etc but once she had turned me down twice and still said she missed me and offered I've been thinking about you type stuff I could see she was just enjoying my attention. After I reacted with one angry text to a comment she made I felt I had to draw the line. I broke all ties and now have gone full NC incl. fb email phone number gone etc and I told her to do the same so i could get past this. I think by the third time I had contacted her she was enjoying the ego boost. She never said dont call me or dont talk to me or stay away and was always responsive despite her refusal to move forward with me. Part of me does want her to really feel what its like not to have me in her life but I know thats twisted thinking really as she has gone already. The pedestal I put her made me think she wouldnt be looking for the ego boost. Wrong! I had to wait to do total NC as it took me some time to work it all out and approach her with a coherent reason as to what happened to me. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 It is sad when you think a person is decent and then they just get taken in by this perceived power. It really is quite pathetic that people have nothing better to do with their life than to toy with the emotions of someone else just so that they can feel all powerful. Link to comment
BlueRizla Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 It is sad when you think a person is decent and then they just get taken in by this perceived power. It really is quite pathetic that people have nothing better to do with their life than to toy with the emotions of someone else just so that they can feel all powerful. Well for a time I was convinced she didn't realise she was doing it. I even posted here about how nice she had been about it all. They're good at it arent they, these dumpers! lol Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Well for a time I was convinced she didn't realise she was doing it. I even posted here about how nice she had been about it all. They're good at it arent they, these dumpers! lol Yeah, I learned over the years that when someone is behaving selfishly and engaging in mind games and power struggles, they are fully aware of what they are doing and how it affects the other person...that's part of their entertainment for the day! Link to comment
BriarRose Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I actually have never had anyone want to keep me around for an ego boost. They either have wanted to be with me - a relationship or fwb - or they have exited my life. To toy with someone just for kicks and ego is a personality disorder, IMO. Most people don't wish to hurt others. Link to comment
toflyforreal Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 swift NC is the only way to be. and maybe its immature, but seeing that person's face again for the first time, knowing you haven't been talking to them since you turned your back and walked out the door after a breakup convo (and one extra explanatory email), felt absolutely great. Link to comment
jbrooklyn Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 swift NC is the only way to be. and maybe its immature, but seeing that person's face again for the first time, knowing you haven't been talking to them since you turned your back and walked out the door after a breakup convo (and one extra explanatory email), felt absolutely great. i bet that does. It just says to the dumper...he I moved on. They dont have to know deep down inside you was dying like a fat cow. You just look like you did what you had to do and you are strong Link to comment
mad rabbits Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 I think it really depends on the person whether or not NC without warning will affect them. If they are playing mind games then NC from you will indeed sting because they are looking for a reaction from you with their games...going NC means no reaction and defeats the purpose of their mind games...so they are upset because their ego did not get boosted. If they are phasing you out because they are no longer interested or they met someone new, NC from you will either be a relief or a disappointment. Remember that many people who leave a relationship still want the ex to pine for them and run after them so they want the contact just to get the ego boost. I think that's a fair assessment. I wasn't sure whether my ex had completely moved and stopped caring by the time I went NC. You have to remember that it all started with me pulling back from him because of feelings of mistrust on my part and knowing that he wasn't committment minded. It was some time after that, he started to fade out on me. Some people suggested his last act, of emailing me a sob story and then ignoring my reply, was a power ploy. Certainly, that was consistent with his MO. He was deeply insecure and combatted this insecurity by playing games with people. So I choose to believe my NC did effect him, and send a message I didn't appreciate his playing with me. Additionally, it was what I need to do to move on, and life is getting brighter for me. Thanks everyone for replying, there have been some interesting thoughts shared.. Link to comment
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