Nicole2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 So my bf broke up with me in July, right before my b-day, citing that he was unhappy and that he was ready to move on. We were together for almost 2 yrs and had what I thought was a solid intense relationship. Of course I cried and cried but he would hear none of it, his mind was made up and there was nothing i could do to change it. He said that he wanted to be single. I thought that this was GIGS (Grass is greener on the other side) I would call and call him and he was too busy to talk, or he would be out with his friends, and he said that I should move on. Although he took off 2 weeks from work to "refocus and get clarity" So I did. I took a road trip with a girlfriend and started hanging out with a new guy. I stopped calling him. I took a vacation out of the country. Lo and behold, he sends me a text saying that he misses me, he thinks of me often and he misses his friend, not to worry about him and that hes strong and these are the times when winners are made. (WHAT?!) I went to see him at his job the next day b/c his text seemed very very odd, he explained that he felt out of control that he needs to refocus and reiterated that he misses me. As hes is talking I said nothing, just nodded my head. I stayed 20 min then said i had to go. He called that night, i spoke for 10 min and then told him I was busy and had to go. He keeps calling, and I keep being busy. So he calls today and says that its been so difficult to get a hold of me lately, that either my phone is off or I dont answer. (When trying to estalish NC, turning your phone off is a great tool) My response: I'm busy He then says that he would like to have lunch with me sometime next week. I'm 28 and he is 34. It been almost 2 months since the breakup. What do I do? Should I go? Does this mean a possible reconciliation? What does he want? I'm on vacation now, so I have a fewdays to think on it. Your honest opinon and questions are much appreciated Link to comment
EQD Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 forget about the ex. the problems that caused the breakup are still there. start anew Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 What does he want? Only he knows the answer to that. Ask him. forget about the ex. the problems that caused the breakup are still there. start anew Um... you're aware this is the "Getting Back Together" forum, right? Link to comment
Talk2SW Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I'm 28 and he is 34. It been almost 2 months since the breakup. What do I do? Should I go? Does this mean a possible reconciliation? What does he want? I'm on vacation now, so I have a fewdays to think on it. Your honest opinon and questions are much appreciated The biggest question here is: "Are you ready?" If you feel you need more time, don't let him rush you, OK? It is obvious that he still has an interest, but has his feelings changed, or is he just trying to keep you on the line?..."the just friends zone" If you really feel that you're ready to think about reconnecting with him, you make the arrangements. Contact him and tell him you will think about it and be in touch when you're ready. Then, set up a short meeting (30 minutes or less) in a public place, for something like coffee. The big thing to remember is that you're not going to this meeting to get back together, or to talk about the past (relationship)...just to catch up, OK? If the subject goes towards getting back together, or re-hashing the "old" relationship, politely change the subject, and if he insists...get up and leave. Talk about career, school, sports, news, family...anything but yours/his personal relationships (past or present), why? It's too early and when you want to reconnect you must move slowly...keyword...SLOWLY. I hope this helped! S. Williams Link to comment
Nicole2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 Thanks talk2sw, I think I will do that! S-L-O-W-L-Y... I think I have been able to step back,I have been guilty of a few things (haven't we all?) I just think what we have is pure chemistry. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Nicole, I think you've done really well. Pat yourself on the back. The thing with these "let's have lunch" things is that you can never tell if it is a "I want you back" lunch or a "I just wanted to see how you are doing" lunch. If you do meet up with him, make sure you have played out both scenarios in your head so you will be prepared in either case. If you're not happy with what comes from the lunch, you can go back to NC if you like that better than LC. I stunk at NC but you seem to be good at it. Good for you. Keep us posted and good luck. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 catskills, why do you see too many bad signs on this one? I don't see this as a particularly bad breakup that could never be reconciled. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Yes but now he is calling her and telling her he misses her. If she were the one doing the calling and he was still saying those things then I could see that she is probably hoping for too much. Don't you think that the dumper calling, texting, and offering to meet are a good sign? I mean isn't that what we're waiting for on this forum? Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Well if Nicole meets with him, she'll figure out pretty fast what his motivations are. You are right in that the success rate for reconciliations in general is pretty low, but I think the odds on this one could be higher than 10% but I can't quantify it with a number. I think if your ex misses you that's a good sign, not a bad one. Maybe he thought single was the right answer and then realized he made a mistake. Well, even if they don't reconcile, Nicole already has a guy sniffing around her so that will certainly take her mind off the ex. Link to comment
Nicole2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 Yeah, I have. The nonchalant attitude has really worked though. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Catskill was saying he had bad vibes and maybe a 10% chance of reconciliation. I don't know where he came up with that but I guess everyone is entitled to their opinions. I disagree. Did you meet with your ex? I can't see Catskills posts anymore so I don't know if you are answering his questions. I didn't think you were planning to meet until next week. Link to comment
Nicole2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 Catskill was saying he had bad vibes and maybe a 10% chance of reconciliation. I don't know where he came up with that but I guess everyone is entitled to their opinions. I disagree. Did you meet with your ex? I can't see Catskills posts anymore so I don't know if you are answering his questions. I didn't think you were planning to meet until next week. Well, last week when I went by his job, he said that he needs to think about us. How he was sure at first that breaking up with me was the right thing to do but he doesnt feel that way anymore. I have noticed that he is going through a lot of changes, changing his shift, picking up a second job, I guess trying to fill his time. Right now I'm out of the country, he does not know. I do not want him knowing my moves. He lost that right when we broke up. He text me last night asking if I wanted to hang out. I think that he doesn't know why we are not together. I need him to tell me what he wants, because its either all or nothing. I refuse to be a trophy ex gf. 2 more days till the meet up. Honestly, I'm not sure now if i really want him back, everything seems tainted Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I agree with the advice you've been getting from SW and LLW---it's good that you know your standards as far as reconciling, but this will only be lunch. Keep all of that relationship stuff in the back of your mind. Just catch up with him and see what he has to say. In fact, promise yourself not to react to anything heavy he might say while you're right there. Go home and think about it first. Take everything very slloooowwllyy. Have to say this all sounds really positive though. Pure chemistry is a precious commodity---not as easy to replace as people would like to think. So, just let that old chemistry kick in and see where it takes you. Good luck! Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 You seem stronger today. That's great. If you honestly feel like you will be ok without him, that gives you a lot more freedom when you do talk to him. I am curious what he has to say. If you start to feel panicky and needy, take a deep breath and really think about what you want to say. A lot of us speak before we think about what we're saying. I think you'll do great. Link to comment
Nicole2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 You seem stronger today. That's great. If you honestly feel like you will be ok without him, that gives you a lot more freedom when you do talk to him. I am curious what he has to say. If you start to feel panicky and needy, take a deep breath and really think about what you want to say. A lot of us speak before we think about what we're saying. I think you'll do great. The urges to call are still there, but they are not as profound. I know that he seeks my approval and advice, thats what a girlfriend does, but he does not want that. I want him to wonder what I'm doing. When we broke up he was telling me all the plans he had, how hewas going to still do the things we have planned, just by himself. He made the biggest deal about being by himself and how he needs this. blah blah. He tells me that I am one of a kind, unique (DUH! aren't we all?) So, hes by himself. Whats the problem? Link to comment
Nicole2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Spoke with the ex today. He wants to go out for dinner this Friday. Hmmmm...I would hate to waste my Friday night if he has nothing new or positive to say. Should I ask now, or wait? Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Wait! Patience is key . . . you'll have other Fridays : ) Link to comment
servedcold Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Good luck if you go to dinner, it's obvious, but stay away from too much drink and keep the dinner short, light and fun. Try to resist the urge to draw it out for hours. Have plans after with other people if possible, or at least something you really need to do after. Sounds like you have your head about you and are taking the right slow steps. Link to comment
Nicole2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Spoke to him this morning, I think I am going to restart no-contact. He was just saying how he misses me, misses talking to me and hanging out with me He was like just because we are not an item does not mean that we can not hang out and do things. I asked him if he does things and hang out with other females, he says no. Then he invited me out with him and his boys to watch the game tonight. I told him that it might be a little awkward, he said only one person knows that we are not together.. (WHAT?!!!) He keeps inviting me to different events and things... He also said that in the back of his mind, he knows that we will be together and that when he comes back he will be a better man. He said that he has flaws and that I probably overlooked them or maybe that they are internal. I said well if that happens it will be by your doing. I think restarting no contact is appropriate. What do you think or am I shooting myself in the foot? Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 I guess it depends on what you're hoping for . . . what outcome, what sign. It seems to me that he's opening the door pretty wide. If you're interested in reconciling, what's holding you back? Link to comment
Nicole2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 I would like a reconciliation, but I do not want to hold his hand through this break up. I still feel like his girlfriend! He wanted to go for breakfast this morning, I'm still out of the country, he does not know. All these things he wants to do are relationship things. I just dont want to put myself out there and get rejected Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Well, having breakfast with him does not mean you're committing to being his girlfriend again. Just take it one step at a time. Agree to do one thing with him, show up, have fun, keep it short, and see what happens. If it goes well, and reconciliation is what he wants too, he'll either bring it up then or ask you on another date. I think the mistake a lot of people make is thinking that reconciling means going right back to the old relationship. You can't---it's dead and gone. Whatever comes next is a new relationship, and you'll have to build it from the ground up with dates, then commitment. So, don't put yourself out there any more than you would with someone you just met. Try to think of it more that way. Link to comment
Nicole2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 thanks coolchick, I did not think of it like that. I just do not want to undo all the good I have done. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Well, if you do decide to see him a little bit to figure out what he wants, you can control where and how you do it. If going out with him and his buddies doesn't feel right to you, say no thanks. You can offer alternatives as to when you are available to see him and then you can gauge how eager he is to meet. I hope he wants a reconcilation and not a friendship with you. Just remember that some dumpers need to figure it out slowly, or they do know how they feel but they are hesitent to say it until they know it is ok to feel that way (like they won't get shot down). It would be nice if they proclaimed their love right away but it usually doesn't happen that way. Well at least not in my experience or any of my friends' experiences. So what are you going to do? Link to comment
Nicole2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Well, I am not going to hang out with him and his buddies. He really really wants to see me. I had mentioned last week to him that Monday would be good for me but he quickly shot me down b/c he was going out with the friends. Then I suggessted Tuesday, he said he was busy. Now he willing to bring me along to both of his events just to see me. I will try to see him Tuesday and Friday. He keeps saying that he misses me and how everyone has nothing but good things to say about me and how he misses me and misses me. He also said that he knows we will be together, he knows it. Its frustrating that I dontknow what the problem is. Only he knows and he wont say. Its driving him crazy that he doesnt know what I'm doing everyday all day, why I cant answer his phone calls. HA! Now he knows how I feel. So what do you think? Link to comment
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