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Contemplating Yet Again...


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So... I don't even know where to start here.


I guess the short version is lately I've been contemplating suicide again, and it's getting more and moue frequent.


A lot of things have happened recently that all seem so trivial when looked at separately, but when you add them all together it really weighs heavy on me. I am feeling really empty inside right now...


The fact that my Mom and Sister have completely disowned me is something I am having a really hard time dealing with. My Mom and I weren't really close, but my sister and I were. The fact that my Mom was the one who decided she wanted nothing to do with me, and then my sister just jumped right on the bandwagon makes it hurt even more. My sister was always the one person who could pull me out of these funks I go into. Now it's like she's pretending I don't even exist. I've tried to resolve things with her but she doesn't even answer me.


I did some house cleaning in the passed year or so of toxic people in my life. I really think I attract negative people and emotional vampires. I cut a lot of those people loose... but unfortunately in doing so I lost a lot of good people too.


I am fortunate enough to have a job I love... but my job apparently doesn't love me back. Two months ago I was put on probation for not being fast enough. My job requires a lot of attention to detail and a lot of concentration... Two things that can really get in the way of speed. So, for two months I have busted ass in every way I can think of. The quality of my work has suffered a little. But my speed went up by over 20%. I got called in the office today thinking this would be when they tell me I am off probation. Instead they presented me with a write up and told me that even though a 20% increase is good, it's still not quite high enough. I am currently .03% lower than I am supposed to be. So, that .03% was the reason for the write up. I was told I have 2 months to get to a certain number or I am fired. This is the best job I've ever had, and I can't even do it right.


My band may be breaking up too. That's a long story that I'll spare all the details of.


I've been having more and more panic attacks lately also...


I've had two suicidal times in my life. Even typing this it all seems so juvenile. Seeing all of this written down makes me feel like a complete moron, honestly. But this is the way I feel weather it makes me feel moronic or not. The biggest thing eating at me is the loss of so many people I am close to. I don't trust that many people... So when I do come to trust someone it's a big deal and they become important to me. But then it's just a harder blow if that trust is broken.


I just find myself thinking things like "What is stopping me? Would I really be missed that much?" I know when I would do it, how I would do it, where I would do it... I get on these tangents in my head about this and I've worked out every detail. Doesn't mean I would follow through with it though. I just hate the fact that I am even at that point again. I thought I was finally passed it.


The only thing that's really keeping me going right now is my girlfriend. She is the one thing that will keep me here. But, so many other things that were important to me are slipping away. So I wonder how long she will be around to provide any support. In my last episode of depression I considered breaking up with her. Not because of anything she did or because I didn't love her. I guess if anything it was because I loved her too much. I didn't want to put her through any more pain of sticking by me through another one. I really don't deserve her.


And I feel guilty about everything... I really mean everything too. I feel guilty about posting this thread even. Why should I bother a bunch of complete strangers the my problems. I am not that important. I feel guilty about this rift between my sister and I. I feel guilty that I can't do my job better. I feel guilty that I am even thinking about this again. The idea of doing that to her, and to my family, etc..


And not too long ago I was at a point where I finally felt happy. I've come to terms with the fact that what happened in the winter of 2006 changed me forever, but somehow I still don't really understand what happened.


And, I just want to comment on something else that's ironic... I hope it's alright t include this here, Mods, if it isn't I'll remove it. I was a Satanist for over ten years. In those ten years I had so many people try to talk me out of being that. And a lot of them used the argument that my life would be so much happier if I got out of it. Well, now I've moved on and I am out of that, and my life isn't any happier. It's not like I was expecting some big change. That isn't why I jumped that ship. I know faith doesn't equal happiness. I just wanted to comment on the irony. I didn't really convert to anything else, I just moved on I guess. As far as why, I won't explain that here. If anyone really wants to know you can PM me and I'll explain it there. The public forum just isn't the place for it.


This is getting really upsetting just writing this. So I think should cut it here. If you made it this far, thanks for reading all this.

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Sure it does, and it helps me understand where you're at. It's really good that you're talking about what's bothering you, I know from personal experience that keeping it in doesn't help. I have returned to that place over and over, would never act on it but I sometimes need help getting straightened around.

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My total mental breakdown was in december of '07.


And I, too, have become more and more depressed as of late.


I haven't gotten back to the suicial phase (which is almost always triggered by me feeling trapped and looking for an escape).


It sucks when it's situational and you can't actually fix your situation.


Just do your best to change what you can, keep your own spirits up with a healthy diet and exercise, force yourself to be outside (this really does help. It seems stupid at first) and just hang on until the prospects look better.


Happiness comes in a wave for me. There are good times, followed by a period of bad, but the good swings by again soon enough.


And, also, never feel guilty for feeling this way or telling us that you feel this way. Just telling someone helps so much more. Even if no one reads this, writing it down and admitting it to yourself, getting it out in the open,....it just helps.

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I'm really sorry to hear about your sister and mom. I'm closer to my sister than anyone in this world, so I know how awful (unthinkable, actually) that would be if she became estranged from me. Since I don't have a partner, she is the main one I think about whenever I'm veering close to the edge...about if I was gone, whose life I'd hurt the most. There was a time when she and I were so rocky, I actually felt so alone in this world, like no one could possibly be there for me the way I needed to feel part of life, I actually found myself thinking, "She'd get over it, she has a family of her own now," which was the scariest place I've ever been. When I stopped reaching out to her and felt like she was just one more person on this earth who I could not connect with. It was terrifying, thinking now I had no one to answer to at all, and could cut my ties peacefully.


Of course, this is utterly delusional. And if you ever did go through with suicide, your sister would be agonized the rest of her life. All she'd ever think about would be the things she wished she'd said and done differently.


These family things will change in time, I can almost assure you of this. Ties that run that deep don't just get cut off, never to be revisited. I think you need to give this time to evolve. Maybe send her notes periodically telling her how you're feeling, and that you want to mend the fences. Even left to her own devices, if you guys were that close, I think she will eventually miss your contact, rethink where she stands, and reach back to you.


As for your job, all I can say is that is really hard to deal with. That sounds so extreme. But the worst case scenario is that you will be finding a different job, and you've been through that before and survived. So you can and will survive anything that comes up, again. Just do your best, and remind yourself that you've gotten favorable feedback at this job, too.


There is nothing you can't handle here, that you haven't faced before. Life never stays the same, and the credo I live by is that while that sucks on the downswing, it equally comes to an upswing, too. You've just got to be prepared for both in this life.

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Being outside more doesn't sound stupid at all... That's something I started doing back whe tis all started. I walk anywhere that's in walking distance. It really does hep.


I get the "waves" like you do. I know exactly what you mean there.


We can fight through this. You just really have to take care of yourself and force yourself not to fall back into depressing habits. Staying inside, choosing solitary activities over social activities (well, if you notice that you're choosing solitary more often than normal. Some solitary is perfectly healthy), using the internet or video games or reading to self medicate, eating fatty foods to temporarily lift your mood.


Basically, stay busy and try and keep the mental and physical saw sharp. (Btw, I'm referring to the notion that you have to take time to "sharpen" the saw between boughts of work)


I'm forcing myself to go out tonight. And I'm forcing myself not to have a defeatist attitude. Definitely better than the alternative. I know where that'll get me. Going out though...who knows what will come of it. Maybe something life changing?

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That's how I feel right now. I feel more alone then I have in a long time because she isn't a part of my life anymore. And at the same time I feel upset with myself for letting myself be so dependent on her in that way. I didn't realize this until just recently. And I always went to her for comfort during rough times. I thought maybe I held that ot in her life. The fact that she oould so easily cut ties w and not evn seem upset about it makes me feel really weak.


The irony here is they basically disowned me because they refuse to accept the relationship I am in. But it is really that relationship that's keeping me going right now. So they are refusng to accept the most positive thing I have right now.




Knowing her like I do though, she will hold off as long as she can, which will be a really long time... And eventually I wll get tired of doing all the reaching.




It's not the idea of finding another job that upsets me... It's the idea of failing... again.




There is a lot more I could have said here, But something is obviously wrong with my keyboard. It took me a half hour to type just this reply. This is really not helping my stream of consciousness. Sorry for any typos.

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If it wasn't for your girlfriend you'd have done yourself in?


Wow I wonder if she knows this. That's a lot of responsibility to place on another person. In fact it's about the biggest responsibility you can possibly place on them.


I hope she is really into you and you take care of her and appreciate what she does for you because your life literally depends on it. I don't have to tell you that is not a good thing but at least you have that much.


I'm actually surprised a person would stay with another person who is in such bad shape mentally, but why question it.


My mental state was fine when I met her.


We've been together four years, lived together three. I think it's safe to say she's "into" me.


A few years ago yes I probablld have done myself in without her. But I doubt you understand what I was going though then.


Now, it's a little different. When I get thinking about it now, thinking about how it would affect her helps me stop.

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HellFrost666 what are the possibilities that you are bipolar? I'm not saying you are, but can you record your moods in a diary for a time and see if there is a patten to how you feel and respond!


I suppose anything is possible. In all the time I saw my shrink the only thing she diagnosed me with was OCD. I thin shrinks now are more about perscribing drugs then anything else. She was always pushing me to go meds.


I don't know a whole lot about the symptoms of being Bipolar. But from what I've heard (If I am wrong feel free to correct me) is that the changes in mood are really sudden. Most of the time my mood is pretty consistant.

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