Lack of closure

[orangecounty]

It's been about 6 weeks since my boyfriend and I broke up. Things ended okay, he asked if he could sometimes email me if he got a new job or had a funny joke to pass along and I said that would be okay. Well a couple of weeks ago my mom gave me a card and small gift to give to him, they had bought something for him while we were still together and on holidays in Egypt. We live in the same block and I thought, well, if I run into him, then I can give him the gift. This didn't happen and I didn't think this was the best idea. So i slipped it under his door one evening, I attached a little note saying it was from my mom and she wanted him to have it. My family's been going through a rough time, since we broke up my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and my grandmother is very ill. I simply wrote that it had been a tough month, explained that my dad and grandmother were ill but that I was doing okay. I felt the need to tell him because he had been in my life the past year and a half and these are family members he knew too. I left it at that

 

I got a VERY formal email from him on Monday. Felt a little relieved, it was very short and I thought, okay he didn't take it the wrong way and I can move on. Well then a few hours passed and I got another email. This one saying he felt genuinely bad for me and if I ever wanted to talk or meet up for coffee, that he was there for me.

 

I thought this was a very nice gesture and I was okay with it as long as we were both on the same page and this wasn't a "lets get back together talk."

 

I was feeling much more at ease, knowing I could talk to him. He's been my rock for the past year and a half. Well, yesterday I got another email in the morning saying how he's still taking strides to move on and that meeting up is a bad idea and that it's not appropriate that he be the one I talk to when I'm in need of help. this really crushed me and I understand. I had some concerns at first too that this may be not be the best idea. But I think it REALLY hurt me that he said he was there for me and then took it all back. So I sent an email originally explaining myself and had told him that I wish he would have told me this originally because it really sent me on an emotional roller coaster. No response. This morning I thought things through and knew he was right, so I sent him a quick message saying I was sorry and that I understood where he was coming from. I didn't want to leave things on a bad note. No response.

 

I highly doubt at this point that I'm going to hear anything from him which really leaves me hanging. It's unlike him and I'm feeling like he may be angry with me. How do I move on, I feel like I now have a lack of closure because he's ignoring me. I really expected more from him.

[BriarRose]

a few hours passed and I got another email. This one saying he felt genuinely bad for me and if I ever wanted to talk or meet up for coffee, that he was there for me.

 

I thought this was a very nice gesture and I was okay with it as long as we were both on the same page and this wasn't a "lets get back together talk."

..

He saw that as rejection.

[bronte]

It doesn't sound to me like he's angry, just confused about how to act right now--he didn't want to be a jerk and seem to not care about your family, but then realized that seeing you with no hope of reconciliation would only set him back in his healing.

 

It's hard during a break-up to figure out how selfish it's okay to be--you have to protect yourself so you can heal, but you still care for the other person deeply and want to be there for them...even if it's really no longer appropriate for you to be there. I don't mean to sound like I'm totally on "his side", because I definitely understand how all this was hard on you too and it's definitely a bad situation. I just think that you don't necessarily need to interpret his silence as his being angry or even as "ignoring" you. He's just confused...

[orangecounty]

Bronte, Wow, you're good. That's EXACTLY it. And I know maybe it wasn't the best idea to tell him about everything. But it was never my intentions to make him feel bad. I think I'm just in a really bad place and so badly wanted to talk to him. Maybe that sound horribly selfish. But I know if his mom and grandmother were sick, I would want to know and I would be there for him. I guess I also felt the note was okay, as we had seperated on good terms and he asked me if it were okay if he emailed me from time to time. But thanks very much for summing it up like that for me. i think you're 110% right.

[DN]

When both people are hurting this much after a break up you really have to question if the break-up was the right thing to do.

[orangecounty]

I should also mention that he said there had to be certain boundaries as we live in the same block, which I agree with. And he said sending notes to each other was crossing that boundary and that he would like that I not send him any more notes (I wouldn't have anyways) and that he would do the same for me. So that's why I feel he may have not answered my email but it just really leaves me hanging. I wish he would write one line, like, thanks for respecting how I feel, I wish you the best. Even THAT would make me feel like I could move on.

[orangecounty]

DN, he just had issues with everything towards the end of our relationship. I was perfectly happy, the only thing that made me unhappy was his lack of happiness. He felt like he didn't have enough space and didn't agree with things my family did. So I think we both really love each other but he seemed to have so many issues, that it just wasn't working. And I should mention he was the one that broke up with me. It was only mutual because I felt like he hasn't really been fully there the last few months and was sort of checking out of the relationship.

[bronte]

Bronte, Wow, you're good. That's EXACTLY it...thanks very much for summing it up like that for me. i think you're 110% right.

 

I'm glad my advice was helpful! I've been thinking about these questions a lot today because I saw my ex last night and he indicated that he wants a much closer friendship with me than I really feel ready for--I'm trying to decide where my own boundaries are going to be, not wanting to hurt him but also not wanting to commit to anything that will slow down my healing. So, I can relate to the confusion!