CrashTestDummy Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Ok so this has been really really bothering me for the past year, but I have a driving suspicion that my friend is gay and is trying to go for me. I have no personal problems about people being gay or hanging around gay people, I only have problems with them if they are hitting on me, knowing that I'm straight. I'm a straight guy, everyone around me knows that, I frequently talk about girls and how I would love to meet some all the time, so it is obvious to him (if he was gay) that I will not go for him. But there is something really offsetting me with my friend. He's very quiet and very shy. Whenever I get into arguments with other friends he always takes my side... ALWAYS. I don't know anything about his point of views but this really trips me out. He's not my best friend, and I've only known him for about a year, we hang out sometimes but only in a group. At times I always catch him staring at me, and I always get the feeling that he's trying to touch me. He touches me at very awkward moments, not like the "oh we've won the game hey pat on the back" type of touch, but like when I'm at the bench press or something he just puts his hands on mine. He does not touch any of my other friends that we hang out with, only me. What also gets me is that whenever I start talking about girls, he always backs out and says he doesn't like talking about them. All my other friends just jump on the topic. He claims he likes girls but only meekly, could this be an attempt to cover homosexuality? But the crowning jewel of what gets to me about him is that he's too nice to me. When I have a problem, just any problem, he drops everything he's doing and asks me about it. This MAINLY happens with me although he does help my other friends from time to time. My friends take it as a good virtue but the constant helping for me is giving me the creeps. I've been hit on by gay guys before, but I've never had a gay guy hit on me, and be so close to me. I don't know if he's gay or not but I do get the same vibes from him as I did with the others. What do you guys think? Am I crazy or are my instincts telling me something? Link to comment
waveseer Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 When he puts his hands on your hands could you say, "Back off, Jack." Link to comment
chcmb43 Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Yeah, no other way around it but to confront it head on. Some gay people think that since the "world" is more accepting of their lifestyle, that everyone in the world should accept it as well, and that isnt the case. I'm gay, and it was hard growing up to have feelings for people I wasnt sure about, but I never imposed myself upon anyone, and I feel that what this guy is doing to you is wrong. Link to comment
CrashTestDummy Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 So there's no doubt about it that he's gay? I don't want to be confronting him only for him to say no that he wasn't Link to comment
waveseer Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 CDT, that is precisely why I recommend addressing only the behavior that makes you uncomfortable. Link to comment
greywolf Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Maybe he's just the touchy feely type. Link to comment
1WayTicket2Norway Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Just ask him if he's gay, and make it absolutely clear that you are not gay, even if he denies being gay. Link to comment
pianoguy Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 But the crowning jewel of what gets to me about him is that he's too nice to me. When I have a problem, just any problem, he drops everything he's doing and asks me about it. Oh, gosh, you poor thing. What a terrible situation to be in. I haven't seen anything in your post that indicates that he's gay. From what you say, he just sounds like an awkward guy who wants to be your friend. Not all gay people are awkward, in fact I would say most aren't. If he really is gay, you should understand that he's in a really difficult situation. Being closeted and having a crush on a straight guy is h***, especially if that straight guy has latent hostility towards gay people, as many straight guys do. If this is really bothersome to you, what you should do is this: If he touches you in a way that you don't like, kindly but firmly tell him to stop doing that. That should solve most of your problems. Link to comment
pianoguy Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Yeah, no other way around it but to confront it head on. Some gay people think that since the "world" is more accepting of their lifestyle, that everyone in the world should accept it as well, and that isnt the case. That's nonsense. I've never met a guy like that. Link to comment
chiefoptimizer Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Whether he's gay or not, just tell him "Hey, I'd rather you stopped doing that, it makes me uncomfortable." next time he touches you in a way you don't like. If he's gay, he is probably in a difficult situation as pianoguy said. I'm gay myself, and over the last four years I had a friend I had a severe crush on. He didn't have a girlfriend, and never stopped me when I used to rub his neck and play with his hair and stuff. I always thought he was enjoying it, but when I knew he had a new girlfriend, I asked him about it, and he said sometimes it made him uncomfortable. I stopped doing it from then on. I have to admit I did drop everything to help him out whenever he needed it- I still would, I feel that way towards most of my close friends, male or female. Him and I were very close and we'd had had some pretty deep philosophical discussions. Just tell your friend you'd rather he stopped that, and enjoy the friendship/puppylove he has for you. Love is a beautiful thing even through all the pain of unrequited love. Link to comment
CrashTestDummy Posted September 3, 2009 Author Share Posted September 3, 2009 Chiefoptimizer you have a very good point there... but everyone has to understand here that he isn't terribly close to me. I don't really know much about the guy, I've only had one deep conversation with the guy about politics, and I'm not sure if you could even call it that since it was just him stating his view, and if mine were different he'd slightly change it to match or agree with me. I'm letting this out sort of out of frustration and the fact that I'm utterly, utterly creeped out by this guy and not knowing what to do (like as a whole, not a first step). Whenever I hang out with him I always get that * * * * * ly feeling on the back of my neck and I always catch him in the corner of my eye staring at me. And also, doesn't anyone (straight or gay) get creeped out when some guy or girl is doing something too nice for them when you're not interested? Like TOO nice... unbelievably nice... the type of niceness even boyfriends and girlfriends would sometimes question to do. I understand that it's hard to be gay, there's a lot of challenges and hurdles to overcome. I want him to understand that it isn't really cool to touch and stare at others like that especially if they're straight. I want this to come out in an understanding manner as well as not offending him... and to figure out if he's gay or not... I still don't know but my instincts tell me yes. Any suggestions? Link to comment
chiefoptimizer Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 I want him to understand that it isn't really cool to touch and stare at others like that especially if they're straight. I want this to come out in an understanding manner as well as not offending him... and to figure out if he's gay or not... I still don't know but my instincts tell me yes. Any suggestions? Just tell him to stop touching you next time he does. His sexuality is irrrelevant to the question. If you really want to find out, then you'd need to gain his trust and that involves getting closer to him. You're obviously not comfortable with that, so what's the point in wondering? Whether he's gay or not, he obviously feels some kind of devotion to you - take that as a compliment, and stop worrying! Link to comment
pianoguy Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Ditto. If a girl were interested in you, but you weren't in her, I doubt you be "majorly creeped out." You'd probably be slightly annoyed, but no worse than that. Consider it a compliment that someone finds you attractive, and ask him to stop touching you when he does. You can't ask someone to stop being nice to you or stop looking at you, life doesn't work that way. Again, consider girls that you've rejected, they probably still check you out and do nice things for you. Link to comment
Imaginary Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Ditto. If a girl were interested in you, but you weren't in her, I doubt you be "majorly creeped out." Hey, some girls can be freaking creepy. Trust me, certain girls... they get obsessive and stalk guys they barely know. I think the OP would be taken back by this behaviour from a girl too... but, seeing as he is a guy he wants to double check to make sure he isn't imagining things and rushing judgement. So, in the end, no, we can't know if he's gay/bi but, be honest about how you feel when he does things like that. Link to comment
greywolf Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I think the OP would be taken back by this behaviour from a girl too... but, seeing as he is a guy he wants to double check to make sure he isn't imagining things and rushing judgement. He'd be taken aback if the girl was ugly, not if he found her attractive. Link to comment
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