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I need some perspective on my current relationship. First, I'd like to admit that I do have a fear of commitment, and like a true commito-phobe my previous relationships have been either chasing guys that are not right for me or long distance relationships.


I met my current bf in May and we get along really well and have spending about 3-5 nights a week together whenever possible since we started dating, so it feels like I've known him much longer than that.


At first I as really happy and excited to finally find a guy who values relationships and that I am attracted to as well. He would always tell me how great I am and how much he liked me so I felt very safe and secure, and even though I had the occassional "grass is greener" thought, I felt certain that I was actually on the better side. It took me a while to get into the whole "relationship mode" and finally admit that I have a bf, but I did.


During the past month or so, my bf had to go away on travel for a month and it was a little difficult b/c of time differences and not being able to see him all the time like I'm use to. Since he's come back, he's been super tired and busy and as have I, and I feel like we're just been growing apart. Since the 3 week hiatus, our regular and frequent sex life hasn't returned, and sometimes he just comes over at night and falls asleep, and I'm not even into it anymore There are no grad declarations of how much he likes me and I just feel like the spark is gone (if that makes sense). I'm bored. I feel like I'm in a stale marriage where the two partners have become accustomed to each other and don't try anymore. I question whether his motivation is me or the the desire for companionship, and mine as well. I question whether he is committed to me is vavering and look for signs that might indicate his not. And this is all.. 4 months into the relationship? Really makes me question the future.


On the other hand, he's such a wonderful person and I know he truly cares about me through lots of little things that he does. My friends tell me that I am so lucky to have found a guy who's willing to come over and see me without having sex involved. I know that it will be very hard to find another guy who is as committed or has the same values as him, yet I'm not sure that whether I'm with him b/c of him or his value...lately i've been questioning how strong my feelings are for him and I don't know.


I know that the honeymoon phase and excitement of relationships fade out, and I'm wondering if this is what is happening and I'm just sabatoging myself from being in a real committed relationship or whether this relationships is just not meant to be and I gave it a fair shot but this is not the right person for me?


Any insight would be helpful.

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Hum. I'm not really sure either. Honeymoons do end as soon as 3 to 4 months. But there should have been some celebrating after his long absence. But you both have been really busy since his return. Do you have time to go away for a weekend? Or have a long date, like a Saturday afternoon and evening? If this has prematurely turned into a stale marriage, perhaps you just need some quality time together to reconnect.


He sounds like a keeper. And to hear that from a self-professed commitment phobe, I wouldn't let go of this one so easily.

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You sure sound like one of my ex's, i just wish she would have questioned things like this instead of just running, so i give you kudos for atleast trying to find out what could be amiss. i think you should atleast talk to this guy, let him know whats going on, how you feel, and ask him for any ideas he mite have as to how to handle this. communicate,communicate communicate

I hate to sound like an a**hole but i think you should suck it up for the time being, get some help from this guy and try to make things work. obviously you like this guy and he you so you owe it to yourself and him to atleast try to work things out.

Give it a few more months of you two working on things before coming to a decision, see if things get better, everyone has the fear of being hurt in a relationship..its those that dont let that fear overpower them that are successful

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I was excited for his return, but he was so tired from working and being jetlegged that all he did was sleep for the entire weekend after he came back.


I was planning a trip away this weekend and he was excited for it, even willing to take time off from work so we could go away further, and then when serious planning time came.. all of a sudden, the weather sucks and it will be too crowded so there's no point in wasting that money and he might have to work early tuesday so he needs to rest. Although I value financial sense and career ambition, I'm kind of resentful considering that I've been looking forward to getting away for such a long time now and it was just dropped so quickly unless I come up with a good alternative. I'm just thinking about maybe going to visit a friend or something, since I really need a vacation to get away from my own work business and I don't see it happening here. And what can I say? Don't put time into your job? Don't think about your finances?


I'm just starting to be concerned that he's one of those guys that, once the honeymoon phase is over and the relationship is secure, as long as he can maintain what he has, its okay. Its like the - well, I've secured a boyfriend so now I can let myself go and get fat thought process.


Is this something that normally happens in relationships? Is it wrong of me to feel upset that I'm no longer being treated like a top priority, while I understand that work is important and would not dare ask someone to hurt their job performance for me? And I also wonder if I was really in love with him, whether things like this would bother me this much?

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Hmmmm, as a relationship-sabatager myself, I think you might be sabotaging this. He sounds like a good guy, but I can understand you being annoyed about not getting away with him for the weekend. Sometimes, I think this is why I always hold something back from my boyfriend, because I never want him to become so secure that he won't bother anymore.


Maybe you should go away with your friends and have some time away to think and see what happens.....


Commitment-phobes always want to run away from any problems/issues, but that is not the solution, you have to work hard at it. Definitely give it more time and talk to him about it!

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Is this something that normally happens in relationships?


Every relationship goes through the dwindling of the honeymoon phase, but it's a matter of working together to make it work. However, 4-5 months the relationship is still fairly new. It's no wonder you're a little skeptical on how things may be as time progresses.



Is it wrong of me to feel upset that I'm no longer being treated like a top priority, while I understand that work is important and would not dare ask someone to hurt their job performance for me?


There is nothing wrong with this at all. I would be bothered just as well if I were in your shoes. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a few months, he is still as sweet to me as he was on our first date. Your boyfriend doesn't need to jeopardize his work for you, it's a matter of putting a little more effort.



And I also wonder if I was really in love with him, whether things like this would bother me this much?


If you have to wonder if you are in love with him, then I highly doubt you are. Feelings takes time to develop.

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it sounds like the honeymoon phase ended but it doesnt have to die! Relationships take work and communication. You BOTH have to remind each other of why you fell in love and the fun you had. You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel if this is really bothering you. Steps need to come into play to rekindle that spark. Go to a website called "link removed". There are helpful articles that give ideas to rekindle the spark or romance. people get comfortable but i have learned that if you never let yourself become comfortable and neither does your partner, the relationship will always feel brand new! My girl after 6 months started comin out of the romance phase, then we had some ups and downs and finally we broke up for a couple weeks to figure out what we truly wanted. Turns out we let our individual personal problems interfere with the relationship and realized we were perfect for one another. We just needed to communicate better and not allow outside influences to interfere in our relationship. Give it a try but..... ask yourself this. If you really have to question hard your feelings for him, than you really dont have them. Questioning something is a start of what one really feels.

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I have a question, what are YOU doing to keep the relationship alive, interesting and thriving? So many times I see these kinds of posts on ENA and the OP (mostly female) is acting like the relationship and feelings are something that just "happen to her" with no effort at all and it's like they are in a boat with no rudder being tossed about on a sea of emotions they have little control over.


If you treat relationships like this, as if they are something that is given to you, or that just happens to you, then of course, they will fizzle out. No relationship goes effortlessly along without effort.


The reason I'm being so pointed here is that you say you were having grass is greener feelings very early on, which suggests that you weren't putting effort in but waiting to see what he was going to do to deserve to keep you. If this isn't your attitude, I apologize, but it sure seems so based on what you type. Moreover, men can sense this kind of passive attitude in a woman, and if he has good self-respect and some experience with relationships under his belt, it is a huge turnoff, but he won't say anything about it, just tone down his attention/adoration level.


Now when the attention starts to wane a little, and no man's attention is going to be as intense as it is at the very first, you are reactively questioning whether the honeymoon is over, and having second thoughts about the relationship. Why not take a proactive stance and make things interesting yourself? You can't just sit back and wait to feel loved and protected if you aren't giving back in return.


Decide whether it's excitement you want, or a relationship, if the former, go find a charming speed addict or alcoholic somewhere who plays in a band and you will get all the excitement you crave. If the latter, step up and take action on your own to keep your relationship vital and interesting.

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