He's addicted to porn

[Divine_Malice]

New better explanation. Sorry i was upset for the first so didn't make much since!

 

ok let me explain myself in a better way. The first two months of our relationship he was talking to women in a sexual manor, asking for pics and so on. I was very upset with this, as I found out several months later. I was hurt but we worked it out. All this time he watched porn, I didn't care, exes before him did so to. Didn't bother me. It began to affect me when we would get ready for sex and he would chose to sit at the computer instead of be with me. I told him how it hurt me and he told me that he had a problem. It was his idea to stop watching for a month to make sure he wasn't addicted. I didn't ban anything! After this month I told him i don't care if you watch porn but I told him I didn't want him talking to other people or going to cam sites, also not making profiles, cause there is no reason to make a profile if your just watching porn. He agreed and thought these terms were understandable. So months went by and it seem to get worse. He was waking up and turning on porn, before he went to bed he watched porn. It was starting to effect sex and our relationship again. We sat down and had a talk again. We looked through what porn addiction is, he told me that he had a problem and he needed to stop. I then asked him if he went to cam site and he replied with yes. He said that as days went on he wanted to do more. It scared me to think he might revert back to talking to girls again. I didn't think he would hurt me like that but I was scared. We talked about it again and we are going through steps to help him with his problem. He told me he actually has to tell himself not to do it. That he gets up and thats what he wants.

 

So I just want to say there was no controlling of anything, it was his ideas not mine. There is a difference from watching porn and then letting it rule your life, which is what was happening. I love him, but it hurts to think that he could hurt me like that for such a selfish reason. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I am really upset cause I (embarrassingly) make him videos and take pictures for him. I dress up and do all sorts of things. Lets just say sex is not dull. I know its not me cause he has had these problems before me. Its just upsetting and hard to trust him with things.

 

Original post

So it happened again. My boyfriend and I had a major problem december of last year when I found out he was talking to girls the first two months of our relationship. I was crushed when I saw this about half a year down the road. I was deleting a profile he recently made on a porno site, there is no need to make a profile, that leads to talking to other people. Porn is free and easy to get to with out a profile. I was very upset he made one and he said i could delete. Well during that I found that he had talked to these women, in a sexual manor looking for pics and such. So he and I decided that he should stop going to porn sites and such for a month, to make sure he didn't have a problem. He told me he was addicted and he would go cold turkey. Then after a month he fought me so he could see porn so I gave in. I told him as long as he didn't make profiles, didn't talk to people and didn't go to cam sites that it was fine, which I find ok, cause those usually meant for talking to people, not for porn itself. Well about three days ago we got into it again. It became so much that it effected our sex. I told him I couldnn't do it anymore that he have to stop. I then saw he went on cam sites! I am so hurt. why would he do this. He told me he had a problem and we are trying to work it out. trying to make a life were he is less tempted. I am so hurt. How can i trust him again!?????

 

Sorry my post is pretty random I need help. I love him and want to help him but how when I am so mad and hurt??!!!??

[HeartGoesOn]

You gave him a chance, which was fair enough.

 

By continuing to do this, he's showing zero respect for you, and it doesn't seem like he's willing to put any effort into changing this situation.

 

It's your call, but past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour.

[Casey13]

This may require a bit more help than what you and him can provide for this problem. Go see a profesional before it's too late. Porn addiction is an illness and although he may be an otherwise remarkable and great hearted individual, feeling guilty about what he does behind your back, he simply cant find a way to get out of it alone.

[arcadefire]

I would dump him. Sometimes it takes losing someone to realize what to change. And hopefully by the time he turns around (or doesn't, seems like he couldn't to even keep you!) you would have found an even better guy who wouldn't do sick things like this behind your back.

[hexaemeron]

Well, the talking to other girls thing... Wouldn't bother me, but I know I'm in the minority there. I'll give ethat a pass.

 

As for the porn, who cares? As long as your sex life wasn't affected by it, why is it such a big deal? Just because you get into a relationship, you don't give up certain comfort behaviors.

 

I'm sure he didn't rail on you to stop putting on makeup now that you're in a relationship, but I'm sure that when you feel you look nice, you're less stressed and feel better.

[vivisection-8]

Why are you trying to control him so much?

 

It seems flagrant and insecure to "ban" someone from something "for a month" like they're a child on restriction. You are both adults and have the responsibility to treat each other as such. What kind of "talking" to the girls did he do?

 

Please understand that pornography is not cheating and shouldn't be treated as such. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you. Locking down his personal freedoms will, eventually, though.

[Divine_Malice]

Well, the talking to other girls thing... Wouldn't bother me, but I know I'm in the minority there. I'll give ethat a pass.

 

As for the porn, who cares? As long as your sex life wasn't affected by it, why is it such a big deal? Just because you get into a relationship, you don't give up certain comfort behaviors.

 

I'm sure he didn't rail on you to stop putting on makeup now that you're in a relationship, but I'm sure that when you feel you look nice, you're less stressed and feel better.

 

Talking to there girl in a sexual way is a problem for me. I didn't care that he looked at porn, what he was doing was affecting our relationship. It's not one to go on cam sites and talk to other women. There is looking at porn then there is what he was doing?

[Divine_Malice]

I didn't ban him, when it's effecting our relationship, such as he weather banging out to a porno then be with me. He knows he has a problem it's not regular boy porn thing. He was talking online with girls in a sexual way. I don't care if he talks to girls, he has friends that are girls and talks to him. I don't want to be controlling. I guess u just don't understand porn addiction unles u see it first hand

[hexaemeron]

Talking to there girl in a sexual way is a problem for me. I didn't care that he looked at porn, what he was doing was affecting our relationship. It's not one to go on cam sites and talk to other women. There is looking at porn then there is what he was doing?

 

I'm sorry, I should have been clearer. I was saying that I was giving you a pass on the talking to other guys because I can understand why you'd be upset.

[vivisection-8]

I didn't ban him, when it's effecting our relationship, such as he weather banging out to a porno then be with me. He knows he has a problem it's not regular boy porn thing. He was talking online with girls in a sexual way. I don't care if he talks to girls, he has friends that are girls and talks to him. I don't want to be controlling. I guess u just don't understand porn addiction unles u see it first hand

 

Porn and talking in a sexual way with other girls are different things entirely.

 

Seems to me that he is supplanting your sexual presence in his life with other things in general. A lot of the times, when you tell someone to not do something... they are inclined to do it more and to make excuses for the behavior. Porn addiction would end up spilling into other aspects of his life. Jerking off to porn at work, in public places, and things of that nature would lean more towards an addiction.... watching porn and talking to girls in a sexual nature rather than having sex with you indicates something else is up.

[Lights]

Talking to there girl in a sexual way is a problem for me. I didn't care that he looked at porn, what he was doing was affecting our relationship. It's not one to go on cam sites and talk to other women. There is looking at porn then there is what he was doing?

 

I have a little difficulty understanding this post - so feel free to correct me if I misunderstand.

 

You say right here that you have no problem with him looking at porn.

 

Yet in previous posts on this thread, you say you were deleting a porn account of his that you were upset he made, you banned him from porn for a month. Doesn't sound like no problem with porn to me.

 

But aside from that, I have to tell you, porn seems like the smallest of problems in your relationship to me. You seem to have no respect for EACH OTHER. He doesn't respect your feelings about things, and you treat him in a really controlling manner.

 

In a healthy relationship, someone shouldn't have the right or ability to "ban" someone from doing anything. And on the same token, that other person should have the ability to partake in adult communication and come to respectable compromises and agreements.

[Divine_Malice]

Ok let me explain myself in a better way. The first two months of our relationship he was talking to women in a sexual manor, asking for pics and so on. I was very upset with this, as I found out several months later. I was hurt but we worked it out. All this time he watched porn, I didn't care, exes before him did so to. Didn't bother me. It began to affect me when we would get ready for sex and he would chose to sit at the computer instead of be with me. I told him how it hurt me and he told me that he had a problem. It was his idea to stop watching for a month to make sure he wasn't addicted. I didn't ban anything! After this month I told him i don't care if you watch porn but I told him I didn't want him talking to other people or going to cam sites, also not making profiles, cause there is no reason to make a profile if your just watching porn. He agreed and thought these terms were understandable. So months went by and it seem to get worse. He was waking up and turning on porn, before he went to bed he watched porn. It was starting to effect sex and our relationship again. We sat down and had a talk again. We looked through what porn addiction is, he told me that he had a problem and he needed to stop. I then asked him if he went to cam site and he replied with yes. He said that as days went on he wanted to do more. It scared me to think he might revert back to talking to girls again. I didn't think he would hurt me like that but I was scared. We talked about it again and we are going through steps to help him with his problem. He told me he actually has to tell himself not to do it. That he gets up and thats what he wants.

 

So I just want to say there was no controlling of anything, it was his ideas not mine. There is a difference from watching porn and then letting it rule your life, which is what was happening. I love him, but it hurts to think that he could hurt me like that for such a selfish reason. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I am really upset cause I (embarrassingly) make him videos and take pictures for him. I dress up and do all sorts of things. Lets just say sex is not dull. I know its not me cause he has had these problems before me. Its just upsetting and hard to trust him with things.

 

But to your comment about respect, I am very offended, We are very respectful of each other. We always always talk out our problems and work things out. Not wanting to hurt eachother and still reach our needs.

 

But again this is different from the norm. He does have a problem and I don't know how to help or to help myself.

[Lights]

 

But to your comment about respect, I am very offended, We are very respectful of each other. We always always talk out our problems and work things out. Not wanting to hurt eachother and still reach our needs.

 

But again this is different from the norm. He does have a problem and I don't know how to help or to help myself.

 

I'm not trying to attack you or whatever you think I'm doing, I'm trying to lay out the truth of my OPINION here, which is what this site is all about.

 

My comment wasn't put accross to offend you, so I apologize if that's how it made you feel.

 

Again, it was a difficult post to understand and saying in your original post that "he was banned" isn't the same as saying "he stopped on his own", so I hope you can see where I got that from.

 

But moving on, I can't understand how after all the paragraphs you've sat and typed out of frustration with the fact that your partner will not change his ways despite you feeling upset and talking to him about it, you can still say that you two talk out your problems and work things out. If that were the case, you wouldn't be here asking for help.

 

To me, that DOES indeed seem utterly disrespectful on his part, to ignore your pleas with him to choose you over his porn, to disregard your feelings about webcams and chatting up other girls...how can you disagree with me that there isn't a lack of respect there?

[cleap24]

Divine,

 

I completely understand what you are going through. I am going through the same thing with my hubby. He would stay up at night looking at porn. Every chance he got he was looking. He also did the cams thing and the talking. I totally get how youre feeling and how much it hurts. The way I have tried to put it is if he was just looking at porn every once in a while that would be perfectly fine. But when it gets to be everyday a couple times a day and then he starts making profiles and watching cams and chatting with other girls sexually then thats way to far. Even just him looking at it a few times everyday is a problem. Why would you need to watch it that often even if you are a guy. It made me lose a lot of trust in him. After a lot of arguing and me finally breaking down and telling him its either me or the porn he promised to stop. This took a few times before things actually started getting even a little better. I ended up not wanting to go to bed before him or go to the store because I was always worried that if I did then straight to porn he would go. It has taken alot of time but the trust is finally starting to build back up. I still worry sometimes but we are both trying to work through it. If you want to talk or want any details feel free to message me or whatever.

[Divine_Malice]

I do agree that he was disrespectful this time. He disregarded my feelings. I am here to talk out my feeling and get help from others who Moche know what I am going through. How we can work out this problem and how I can trust him again. He is willing to work it out and so am I. I need help with my situation

[melanie25]

I had the same problem with my boyfriend, we have been together for 9 years. I always knew that he liked to watch porn and it didn't bother me until I found out that he was on a site and had 250+ female friends all of whom had naked pics of themselves. He would stay awake after I went to bed and spend hours on this site looking at pics. After I told him it bothered me he said he understood and I thought that would be that. It didn't stop, it went on for a year and he went to great lengths to hide it from me and lied to me many many times. I couldn't understand why he would rather spend hours on the computer rather that come to bed and have sex with me... I am willing and ready. He would turn down sex with me, saying he wasn't in the mood but as soon as I left the room he would turn on the porn. It really beat down my self esteem, made me feel like I wasn't good enough, like I couldn't satisfy him. It also created trust issues, He lied to me about it many many times. After a year he stopped, a long year of me telling him how it made me feel and him lying to me and hiding it from me. It still affects me, I have so many insecurites now, and I have been trying to overcome them but it's hard. I used to have the same outlook as some people, It's only porn.... what's the big deal, But before anyone can make a judgement like that they should think about how they would feel, to be turned down for porn. Some say at least it's not cheating, But when someone turns down sex with you to get your sexual satisfaction from some other naked woman and lying to you about it, isn't that a form of cheating?? It seems like your boyfriend is admitting to you he has a problem, and he isn't hiding things from you which is a very good thing, I wish my boyfriend would have been honest with me, the fact that he lied and hid it made it so much worse, and I couldn't understand why he would keep doing something that he knew hurt me and beat down my selfesteem and created so many problems in our relationship. I love my boyfriend very much, I intend on spending the rest of my life with him, but I still have alot of issues and insecurities, it's very hard to overcome, If you think it's worth the trouble to get past his addiction and move forward than go for it, give it your all and I hope you boyfriend will too. I've just been rambling on because I can relate to your problem.

[nycgal]

I am going through the same thing with my hubby.

Just recently found out that he had been on about 8 different sex sites, although some were inactive. He denied it, saying they were from a long time ago, took the trouble to show me on each of these sites that he had not been active for a long time - but I saw from his old emails that he had been subscribing last year - all through our dating. Have not told him I know this - just let him think I think he has not been active since we are together.

 

So the lies are a double blow. I feel like I have been cheated on.

 

I tried to figure out if it was only when we were having a fight - went back to check our daily emails. Sometimes he did run to them when we had an argument, but other times we were ok.

So now I'm starting to think I'm just not exciting enough for him.

 

I made him take off his profile, but I'm pretty sure he just has a new one.

 

I dont have a problem with TV porn. He has a very high sex drive and I dont care too much about it.

 

But computer porn and profiles- and his lies and hiding this is really troubling me.

I think the excitement with sex sites is it becomes interactive - its a step beyond TV porn - so you communicate with a real person and fantasize having sex with them. In fact he IS having sex with them - phone sex was a paid service at one time, so how is this any different. Its worse because he can also send photos of himself - so it becomes two-way.

 

I know many guys rationalize it as they are not really sleeping with anyone else.

But on occasion when I brought up porn addiction - just in general, certainly not about these sites because I didnt know he was doing it - he has let slip remarks like "Its very rare you really get into a porn star". Waitaminute - RARE? How the heck do you get into porn stars? Dont you just watch and get off? Well now I can guess what he meant - probably he was getting into some girls he was chatting with on these sites.

So now it gets into emotional involvement/attraction as well. In fact its really not that different form an affair.

 

And I just dont know what to do.

How can I compete with the level of excitement he gets from this - unless I do it with him, and I dont want to get into swinger type stuff.

[free2Bme]

But on occasion when I brought up porn addiction - just in general, certainly not about these sites because I didnt know he was doing it - he has let slip remarks like "Its very rare you really get into a porn star". Waitaminute - RARE? How the heck do you get into porn stars? Dont you just watch and get off? Well now I can guess what he meant - probably he was getting into some girls he was chatting with on these sites.

 

Yeah, I have heard of guys getting hooked on the same porn stars and searching for them again and again when they want to get off. Not sure I'd like that either.

 

I used to be extremely against porn after my ex husband was addicted. My current boyfriend suffered for it. He watches it rarely, and in the past I have jumped all over him for it. Now I am more accepting though.

 

If your guy was doing this last year, and not this year, then it's probably best to just let it go. He's more invested in the relationship now so perhaps doesn't feel the need so often.

[does_he_cheat]

Porn and talking in a sexual way with other girls are different things entirely.

 

Seems to me that he is supplanting your sexual presence in his life with other things in general. A lot of the times, when you tell someone to not do something... they are inclined to do it more and to make excuses for the behavior. Porn addiction would end up spilling into other aspects of his life. Jerking off to porn at work, in public places, and things of that nature would lean more towards an addiction.... watching porn and talking to girls in a sexual nature rather than having sex with you indicates something else is up.

 

Not every porn addict acts out. Increasingly porn addiction gets swept under the rug because most of the guys who have it would sit at the computer all day anyway. they aren't jerking in public no one knows. porn addiction can get worse in other way, they can get exposed to stuff that is more extreme but they are numb to it. I am in the same boat as the origional posting, watching porn doesnt bother me, it's the chat sites, phone sites and profiles that bother me.

[Divine_Malice]

Not every porn addict acts out. Increasingly porn addiction gets swept under the rug because most of the guys who have it would sit at the computer all day anyway. they aren't jerking in public no one knows. porn addiction can get worse in other way, they can get exposed to stuff that is more extreme but they are numb to it. I am in the same boat as the origional posting, watching porn doesnt bother me, it's the chat sites, phone sites and profiles that bother me.

 

Thats exactly how i feel. I told my boyfriend i didn't care if he watched porn but then he went on cam sites and made profiles. That becomes an online affair, looking and talking all live. It really hurts me and I have suffered a lot.

 

My boyfriend has been doing a good job at staying away. But recently he has gotten laid off and I am afraid that him being stressed and upset that he'll convert back to watching it all the time and looking at other women...its scary

[nycgal]

does_he_cheat, btw I like your name - very fitting to this situation.

Is online chat, phones, exchanging photos - is this cheating? My husband is totally addicted to it to the point he doesnt even watch much porn anymore.

I think its the interactive nature of it. Porn is too one-sided for them. In their minds they rationalize the online stuff as the same as porn, but its much mroe eprsonal from a womans point of view.

 

It sure feels like cheating to me.

 

You make a very good point - they get exposed to more and more extreme stuff so they become numb. Sex with your partner lacks passion on a mental level and without fantasies its almost mechanical. How can any one person compete with different girls, couples, groups, ...more extreme stuff???

 

Isnt there any way to "cure" it short of breaking up?

[Divine_Malice]

I believe its cheating. Its mentally and a bit physically, I mean you are getting intimate with another human and getting off to it. Sure she isn't touching you but she might as well be. Its not porn that is a sexual relationship! I am sorry you have to go through that, I know how you feel, my guy started doing cams. It hurts to know they rather get off to some girl then just come into the bedroom.

 

I have read that what you watch at a younge age and in your teens can make you crave it. So if a guy watches a lot of anal porn then they become obsessed with it. Its like my guy, he has been free for about a month now but its like he still wants it. He'll make suggestions for things in bed, which I am open to, but now its like I don't know what he wants to do because he wants to do it, or because he saw some chick on a porn do it! Does anybody else feel that way!!!??

 

I hope there is a "cure" cause I don't want to break up, I mean I plan on marry this guy, who is amazing, the only problem is the porn! So I am hoping he loves me enough to stay away from it.

 

I mean wouldn't you prefer something live then a computer screen!?!?

 

I am so thankful that there are people who know what i am going through and we can talk like this. It helps clear my head a bit. i would just like to thank you all again! THANK YOU! I am also here for ya too, I hope it all gets better for us!