zrehman Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 What's up guys, I'll make this short. Ex broke up with me in January because she thought it be best if we stay friends and wanted to "find" herself. I told her I couldn't be friends and let her know "I wish you the best that life has to offer". She sent me an ecard in May on my birthday saying Happy Birthday ... Note she NEVER remembered my birthday 3 out of 4 times in our 4 year relationship. Me holding NC and moving forward, I get this email tonight ... ======= Hey, I don't know which email ad you use nowadays, so why not email the few I have... I never thought it'd take you this long to get in touch with me. The last time we spoke, I just remember you telling me that it;d take you a while to be friends with or even be able to talk to me.. Don't want to or mean to interrupt your life.. just want you to know I think of you all the time and your well being. you're a blessing and i hope you've met people alike in your life... If you ever care or get a chance please write me. I wanted to give you thet space you asked for, so please don't get the wrong message. Always thinking of you...., X ps- if you're ever in Cali, would love to see you.. ======= Confused and need help. Just so you know, she was manipulative in the relationship and always had control of it when we were together. Also, the "ps" part .. I feel like was to F*&% with me, because in January she moved back home to NYC to find work and now she tells me if I'm in Cali to come and see her ... I feel like its her bragging to me in some sort of way. Anyways, any info would be great to help clear my head. I have NO intentions at ALL to reply back ... I read it and discarded the email. Thanks! Link to comment
Xetra Dax Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 You don't need trouble in your life, of course you are tempted to take the bait, and even after warnings you might do it, but i tell you this much, people don't change , sex isn't worth the manipulative controlling behaviour that's she's going to gridlock you in again. Do yourself a favor and find another woman who is suitable to the kind of person to you are instead of a deathtrap. When it comes to woman , men are as stupidly attracted to woman as bugs to the light, steer away from these kind of black widow females. Link to comment
orangesoda Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 honest opinion - it's not a 'i want to get back with you' message. It's a 'i'm curious if he's still hung up on me' message. Sorry, but it's basically a fishing attempt to see if you'll snap and pour out your feelings. I think you made the right choice by not replying and deleting. Link to comment
zrehman Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks for the feedback you guys ... I'm just curious, why would she want to see if I'm still hung up on her? - Does that mean she is hung up on me? Link to comment
atelis Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 interesting email she sent you. it seems she has a different version of the break-up chat to you? she mentioned in her email that she was giving you the space you asked for, yet you said that it was her who wanted to the space? At the end of the day, it all comes down to what you want. If you think about reconciliation, then you may want to respond. If you don't and are happy without her, then ignore it. But i don't think you should expect someone who broke up with you to come back and beg forgiveness........it doesn't work that way. If you do want to chance reconciliation, then you will have to take the tentative steps to reach out. Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 yeah, she misses you. Not sure if it's in the "I want him back" way, but she's afraid of losing all contact with you. She apparently has been wondering why you haven't contacted her by now, to be friends, to beg her to come back, whatever, and she's thinking, "Oh, maybe he's been waiting to hear from me." It's impossible to judge her motives for doing this, though. I agree with Atelis. You could try to find out more, but you'd have to expose yourself to do it. So the question is, what do you want from her and are you willing to take any risks to have it? Link to comment
zrehman Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 interesting email she sent you. it seems she has a different version of the break-up chat to you? she mentioned in her email that she was giving you the space you asked for, yet you said that it was her who wanted to the space? At the end of the day, it all comes down to what you want. If you think about reconciliation, then you may want to respond. If you don't and are happy without her, then ignore it. But i don't think you should expect someone who broke up with you to come back and beg forgiveness........it doesn't work that way. If you do want to chance reconciliation, then you will have to take the tentative steps to reach out. Why don't x come back and beg for forgiveness. If this is her subtle way of doing it than I want ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with her. She disgusts me and NC is working for me and I let her go and I think she should do the same. She was always good with words, but never action. Link to comment
DN Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks for the feedback you guys ... I'm just curious, why would she want to see if I'm still hung up on her? - Does that mean she is hung up on me?No - it means she wants her ego stroked. Link to comment
zrehman Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 yeah, she misses you. Not sure if it's in the "I want him back" way, but she's afraid of losing all contact with you. She apparently has been wondering why you haven't contacted her by now, to be friends, to beg her to come back, whatever, and she's thinking, "Oh, maybe he's been waiting to hear from me." It's impossible to judge her motives for doing this, though. I agree with Atelis. You could try to find out more, but you'd have to expose yourself to do it. So the question is, what do you want from her and are you willing to take any risks to have it? I did everything in the relationship when I was in it. I'm done. Link to comment
zrehman Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 No - it means she wants her ego stroked. That's messed up and sick! Barf! Link to comment
Real Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Good Morning. I can't really tell you what to do or what not to do, but I can tell you what I personally would do. First, the email is pretty clear, It's not saying anything about reconciliation. She knows she hurt you and this is her way of trying to at least get you back as a friend or as others said to see if you are still hung up on her and nothing else. For me at this stage of understanding relationships, She being the person to end the relationship, she wants the benefits you provided to her while in the relationship, without the things that come with a relationship and also she wants you to continue to sweat her in some fashion. I wouldn't answer that email at all.. It's very hard not to answer as your mind is going wild and thinking of all kinds of scenarios as to what the email means and what she wants. ACTIONS speak louder than words and words have a lot more meaning when it is supported by actions. I would leave it alone and continue living my life. Since you loved this girl for however long you were in a relationship with her, it's going to be hard not to read into that message and see all kinds of hope, but there is none. I'm on the outside looking in and I can tell you that she is not looking for reconciliation and that maybe what you are looking for. She wants to make sure she still has you as a friend and that's it, and if you are cool with that, then you know what to do. But being a friend to her is going to hurt you more than you can imagine at this stage. It's going to have to be years down the line when you've found someone else and don't care emotionally about her. Cheers Link to comment
HighRoad Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Interesting, I wonder if this is the template for I don't think I want you but I also don't want you to disappear. I also got a very similar one from the last man I dated. I don't go after people very often and am not a big dater in general, I am shy and well, I just get on with my life. Anyway, he seemed like an awesome exception to my single life and so I jumped in both feet. I really liked him alot! and he seemed to like me - alot. Anyway, one fade later after four months and then I get this email - that sounds very much like yours. Even down to the "I am thinking of you," and "if you ever got the time, please email me." ??????? You disappear from my life like a turned off nightlight and then contact me and say: 'contact me back, if you have the time.' ???? Hello? how about manning up and saying : I am sorry I was such a d!ckw##d ( but I have been a complete asshat about how I treated you and I am sorry and I manfully apologise for being so afraid and dysfunctional. No - he writes a woosy little email like your ex-girl friend who apparently dumped YOU but has not turned it around to where you have dumped HER. Wha ... ? So when I manfully emailed him back (and I am actually a woman) and tell him how I feel (I miss him and would like to see him) then he disappears for real. Nice guy, I really did like him until he completely flaked out and disappeared. Words are easy, you can really tell someone: I am messed up and don't know what I am doing and need to take some time to get my head on straight. I care for you but I can't do this right now. People don't die from being honest and speaking honestly. Honest. Anyway, brotha you have learned alot from this woman and this relationship, and I have learned alot from even just reading your thread. Do what you think is right, and it will be the right thing for you. Trust your instincts. Link to comment
HighRoad Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 PS - I was thinking ... you could use this as an opportunity to practice being honest yourself. What I mean is, you don't want to have a relationship with her after what you have been through, but how about using her to practice being honest yourself, so that when you have that next relationship you will feel comfortable being honest with her. And you will know that it is possible, it will feel GOOD and you will not die. Honest. Anyway, that's what I do. I like to practice my growth on people I don't really care about anymore. You are offered an opportunity to speak your mind, and you are able to do it. Speaking only for yourself, about yourself - it could be a great opportunity to heal some of your own wounds from this relationship and maybe from others in the past. Whatever it was that kept you with her for four years and also - got you hooked up with her in the first place. If she is not someone good for you - why where you with her for so long? That is the opportunity for you to grow from here. So that the next relationship does not have the same dynamic, because you will have healed from it in this one. Good luck dude ! Link to comment
zrehman Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 What's up gang! Thanks for all your thoughts and opinions .. If you have more, I'd love to hear them. After thinking about this email for quite sometime, I've decided that NOT writing back is the best option for me. She sent her email to me to 3 different email address': 1. My gMail 2. My Yahoo 3. Mine and Her joint email account ... (her first name).(my last name)@link removed Also, when I saw the email "TO" header, you know how you can give someone a name for their email address ... i.e. email removed When I saw the "TO" header ... she has this name for me for my gMail address: email removed Now she had that header when we were together, its been 8 months since the break up, she uses her E-mail a lot and I'm certain that she did that on purpose in some sort of reverse psychology way of having me write back to her after seeing that. I know you guys don't know her very well, but in the relationship she was very manipulative and would always do whatever it took to get her way, even if it meant resorting to immature mannerisms or playing head games in a subtle way of actually making you think she wasn't doing it intentionally. I realized all of this, once I finally started NC and was able to see things outside of the box without much emotional feeling involved. I feel strongly that the email she wrote to me wasn't for any specific purpose and it was to see if I was still there and availably hung up on her for her beckoning call. Maybe she has some void missing in her life and she thinks for the time being that I'll be there to fill it up as she see's fit. On top of all this, she owes me $3,000 ... its been a year since she said she would pay me back. Reading the email, it seems like she has forgotten about the money, but I'm sure she still remembers, but just doesn't want to pay and you can tell from that email she wrote me that it doesn't seem likely that I'll ever see the money again. In conclusion, I'm not replying back. I deleted her emails from my Inbox and my Trash ... I realized I'm done with her completely and am moving on with my life without her. I know I was with her for 4 years, but those 4 years were very very very bad memories and I will do whatever it takes to forget about them, but I will not forget about the person she was and I will know to stay away from the next person I meet that has similar qualities like her. Thanks again guys! Link to comment
becca0194 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I think you are handling this great !! Stay strong and don't give in. She may try some more tactics to get you to respond. If it was a true caring attempt at contact, it would have been hand written in an envelope with a check. Even if it was just $50.00 and a promise to keep sending them. You deserve better then this !! Link to comment
mgirl Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Her not giving me the money shows me she is truly a b*tch. Yeah, that is wrong. You should pay somebody back regardless of how your relationship is going. I think you have made the right decision, the $3k just sealed it for me. Link to comment
zrehman Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 I think you are handling this great !! Stay strong and don't give in. She may try some more tactics to get you to respond. If it was a true caring attempt at contact, it would have been hand written in an envelope with a check. Even if it was just $50.00 and a promise to keep sending them. You deserve better then this !! I couldn't have agreed more with you about sending the $50 ... I told her that I know she can't pay me the money at once, and if she can send anything at anytime, it would be appreciated. It's been 12 months now and she hasn't sent a PENNY! Also, in her email it says, "PS. If your ever in Cali, would love to see you..." This must mean she is living in Cali, which means in the last 8 months she moved there from NY ... so if that is the case, it pisses me off because she has the MONEY to move, but doesn't have the MONEY to give me something for all the damages she caused to my apartment by ruining $3,000 worth of stuff. Link to comment
zrehman Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 Yeah, that is wrong. You should pay somebody back regardless of how your relationship is going. I think you have made the right decision, the $3k just sealed it for me. What do mean, "just sealed it for me"? Link to comment
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