4 years later..

[welshlady]

3 days ago my fiancee told me that he wanted to split up, we have been together four years and own a house together. We had been experiencing some troubles earlier in the year and decided to try and work on the problems. Slowly our relationship started to get back on track and we both seemed to be happy again, we went away on holiday for a week which was the best week we have ever spent together, it was like falling in love all over again. I am so shocked now that he wants to end what we have.

 

He works away from home and as soon as he had split up with me he went back to work a few hours later. We did get some time to talk before he went and all i asked was why. He said that he isnt happy in the relationship and wants some time by himself to be single and do the things he enjoys. He assured me that he doesn't want to live the single life and date other people but says he is no good at relationships and they dont work for him.

 

Our relationship is the longest we have both had although he has had two failed long term relationships before we met. I cant help feeling that we have too much to throw away, when we argue its always silly things like whats on tv. I have been told my all my friends and family not to contact him whilst he is away in work as it may give him time to realise he has made a mistake. My problem is that he is not going to be home next for three weeks and even then it is just for a weekend. I dont want to spend the next three weeks holding out some hope that he will reconsider just to be let down and relapse into the terrible way im feeling now. I cant eat or concentrate on anything, i get upset all day long and i cant picture my life or future without him.

 

He says he still loves me but is no longer 'in love' with me. Am i wasting my time or is four years, a house and an engagement too much to throw away without a fight? I dont want him to be unhappy but i dont think he is, he isnt very good at dealing with problems and thinks everything should be rosy all of the time. i dont want to lose him as i know we can work this out but for my own sanity i cant face this rejection again, it will tear me apart. Please help.

[Ms Darcy]

I dont want him to be unhappy but i dont think he is, he isnt very good at dealing with problems and thinks everything should be rosy all of the time. i dont want to lose him as i know we can work this out but for my own sanity i cant face this rejection again, it will tear me apart.

 

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know you are still in shock, I just wanted to give you a couple of questions to consider.

 

Just some initial thoughts and questions. One, if you don't want him to be unhappy, why don't you believe him when he tells you that he's not happy?

 

Two, does he really think everything should be rosy all the time? Has he said this?

 

Three, if you have already tried to work things out, what would be different this time around?

[pumpkinmoon]

I am really sorry to hear this. This is going to be a very difficult time for you. How did he bring up this conversation about breaking up? Was it during an argument?

 

From what you have said, he seems pretty sure of his decision right now and from what I can gather he has been thinking about this for some time and not just doing it on a whim. I suggest you give him all the space you can right now.

 

In the meantime, while he is away for 3 weeks, try your best to come to terms with it. Read all you can about similar situations on here and it should help you to understand why this is happening somewhat.

 

I know you say that you don't want to throw all of this away, but if he has already made that decision and has come to peace with it in his own mind then there isn't going to be anything you can do or say to make him change his mind.

 

All you really can do at this time is back away from him, try to accept is decision as best you can and and maybe with some time away from you without contact he will start to miss you and realise that he has made a mistake. I know you feel like your world has come to an end, but really it hasn't. If he doesn't come back you will get over it in time.

[welshlady]

in reply to Ms Darcy, I dont believe he is truly unhappy by the way he has been behaving towards me. We both had a week off work together last week and it was great, we were really busy getting things done in the house and he admitted this when i asked him. He did say he had been thinking about breaking up for about a week but when i mentioned what a good week we had together he agreed. We did have a trivial argument over the weekend and im beginning to wonder if that was got him to start thinking. He does find it hard to work through problems and he has admitted this, he will say now and again that we aren't getting along but we may have only fallen out once that month but he tends to dwell on things when we do disagree. Although we have tried working things out i really thought we were making progress and was really shocked to hear that he didnt. Its only been six weeks since our wonderful holiday but i didnt expect things to be constantly great maybe like he does, afterall thats life.

 

The shoe fairy, the conversation came up when i was talking about our future, he didnt seem to have a very positive outlook. I asked him if he could picture us together long term and he said he didnt know, he said that we had been through a rough time earlier in the year and its hard to say that it was completely dealt with. I must admit that i drilled and drilled the information from him because i wanted the truth and for him to be honest, he ended up saying he wanst sure if he wanted this relationship anymore and he thought that he wanted it to finish and that we had gone through too much to carry on any longer.

 

My gut feeling tells me not to let go just yet but maybe he is just trying to be kind to me because of how long we have been together.

[pumpkinmoon]

Maybe he feels under pressure from that talk and it has scared him. How long have you been engaged?

[welshlady]

i did get quite stressed at him during the conversation and said that if he didnt want to be with me to just end it now as he will only hurt me more in the long run, i was trying to give him the confidence to be honest with me but i wonder if i have put words in his mouth. As he wasnt 100% about our future im wondering if he thought i may get hurt later down the line so just said it now so its done with. We have been engaged 18 months and have been through a lot together including spending 7 months apart due to his nature of work. We can be really strong but since we hit the rough patch earlier in the year its like we both lost confidence on how strong we actually are.

[JusticeLaw9]

Could it be work that's making him have second thoughts? You just mentioned that the two of you were apart for seven months. That's a long time to be apart. So I am wondering if maybe he feels overwhelmed trying to maintain his job and a relationship with you. And work can sometimes do that to couples if a job is that seriously demanding.

[EQD]

sadly i'm willing to bet there is another woman involved. not that he is cheating, but perhaps him even looking at other women and wondering 'what if' is whats causing him to want the split.

thats what i'm getting from this.

 

give him all the space he needs, focus on yourself, and take it day by day.

[welshlady]

The conversation started because he is tied into his job until he is 40 but can leave at 30 if he wants to, i told him i was finding it hard with him being away and would he consider leaving at 30. He said that he has every intention on staying in the job until 40 as he enjoys it and is paid well. He was in the job when we met so i knew what i was taking on. He said that i need to seriously think if i can cope with it before we go any further, this is what led on to the conversation so im quite confused if he does want to split up or is just doing it as he thinks it would happen anyway...

 

I did ask if there was anyone else involved and he said no. I have been giving him a hard time about how he spends his time off, he likes to see his friends when he is home understandably but i have become more possessive recently but it was something i had recognised and was working on. I wonder if he wants the single life so he can do what he wants and when without me nagging

[pumpkinmoon]

It sounds to me like he has been thinking this way for a while now but has remained quiet about it in an effort to make it work, but when you questioned him he was forced to admit what he was feeling.

 

It could well have something to do with what the above poster said also.

 

Why do you think you felt the need to question him about the future? I mean, being engaged should spell out that it's a long term thing anyway. Were you sensing that something was off maybe?

[pumpkinmoon]

I'm just trying to get a clearer picture of this. Can you give more information and examples of how you act in the relationship? How possesive are you? How often does he see his friends? and so on...

 

If you were extremely possesive and act unreasonably a lot of the time, that would be enough to drive anyone away.

 

If this is the case, he may feel like it is all too much.

[welshlady]

I questionned him about the future because he wasnt being as positive as i was hoping for when we were talking and with his job it will make a huge impact on our lives and when you think your going to be with someone long term, usually the future is a conversation you have. On our holiday six weeks ago he brought up the subject of children again and said that he was ready for them and we should start trying, i felt it was too soon after the issues we had earlier in the year. So he could not have been thinking about splitting up for that long, im not in denial i can see that there is every possibility that this is it .

 

Im not extremely possessive, he went out two evenings during the week with his friends and on the weekend also, its just because time is precious when he is home i tend to want him all to myslef. i can see that this isnt healthy and as a result i had taken up new hobbies myself.

 

I should add that his best friend has just separated with his wife and is newly single, i dont think this is completely the influence but may play a small part. when he friend announced the seperation a couple weeks ago i told my partner that i hope it wouldnt affect things with us as we were getting back on track and he laughed it off and said no way would it.

 

He also hasnt told any of his friends about the split, dont know what that means

[pumpkinmoon]

He sounds very confused about things especially after suggesting children not that long ago and now this. His friend's relationship coming to an end may have gotten him thinking about thingsto some extent also but I don't think it will have affected things to this extent.

 

When was the last time marriage was mentioned?

[welshlady]

We almost got married in january abroad but due to family stepping in we didnt go ahead with it as they all wanted to be there. He was due to go to barbados next year with work and we did talk about doing it then if we had a family party at home afterwards, that was probably discussed before our holiday about 10 weeks ago. We make a payment into our wedding savings every month which is still going in but after whats happened that is something we will have to sort out. We both had our heart set on getting married in Jan and he does bring it up from time to time that if it weren't for our family we would have been married by now and he holds that against them. When i try to bring up other locations he tends to harp on about how he wanted to do it in Jan, hence why it hasnt been discussed/planned yet.

[Ms Darcy]

What I am getting from you is that there have been some long term problems in the relationship and that he has had concerns about you two for a while (with his job and the disagreements). I can understand your confusion; it's due to his confusion. Yes, it does send mixed signals to say that you'd be married by now and to mention children. At the same time, he has obviously had serious doubts as well.

 

In my opinion, I think your reconciliation time period has been a lot happier for you than for him. It sounds like you might have nagged him and complained to him and pushed him to talk when he wasn't ready. My advice is to step back and give him some space so he can clear up some of his own confusion. I know that this is very difficult for you, but pushing him will only cause him to resent you.

 

In your future with him, I think you really should think about listening more than pushing. Sometimes when you push, the other person pulls away.

[welshlady]

Thanks for your advice, i know you are probably right about pushing him. I realise that now looking back and that is one of my biggest regrets, i will try to bear that in mind for the future but whether my future will include him is looking unlikely unless the time apart makes him realise that he does want to try. As they say truth and time tells all